Playlist: Gnarls Barkley – Necromancing : Joan as Policewoman – Eternal Flame : Feist – Secret Heart : Tunng - Pioneers

For once, lights were on in her apartment when she approached. It looked kind of homely from the outside. Even when she and Kite had been dating, he'd never come here without her. It had always been him, standing next to her as she unlocked the door, flipping the light on as they entered.

Lilly slid the key in the lock and opened the door. She could hear the quiet sound of the television, and the smell of lasagne was heavy in the air. Ray appeared in the doorway of the kitchen, his jeans baggy at his hips, shirt skimming over muscles, open at the neck.

"Hey." He said. Lilly offered him a tired smile, swung the door shut behind her. She usually didn't have to interact with anyone once she got home. Talking to people all day; Scotty, Vera, Jeffries and Stillman as well as the usual line of witnesses, all of whom commanded different interview styles… It became exhausting so that all she wanted to do was come home to a quiet house. And she wasn't looking forward to what she had to tell Ray, what he needed to hear, what would inevitably make him ride away again, perhaps this time to never return. She hadn't told anyone about her infertility, ever. It had been between her and the two doctors who had looked at her with sympathetic eyes. She and Ray had been long over when she'd found out, and he was the only man she'd even begun to consider having children with. Everyone else had come too late, so that if she ever closed her eyes to remember what she'd dreamt her unborn might look like, she'd always give them dark hair and green eyes.

"Sip?" Ray offered her the beer bottle he had in his hands and, dropping her bag to the floor, Lilly crossed over to him to take a long swallow.

"Been shopping?" She asked, raising an eyebrow as she glanced into the kitchen to see that her fruit bowl now actually held fruit rather than unpaid bills and a spare set of car keys.

"Mhm." Ray took his beer back and his fingers strayed across hers for a moment.

"I'm gonna go shower." Lil left him in the kitchen. She wanted to prolong the space between now and the inevitable; the conversation she'd told him they'd have tonight. The decision he was hoping to hear, about whether she wanted to be an old lady with cats or something more. The truth was, she'd been resigned to being an old lady with cats unless another man came along who didn't ask anything of her except that she give him her body every now and then. Someone who wouldn't ask questions, step over the boundaries she'd constructed, keep her from her work. Instead, she had a man in her kitchen who had already long been allowed in her space, who had known her before there were as many boundaries.

"Thought you might have drowned under there." The lasagne was on the table when she came down. She foregone her usual singlet and boxers for a pair of leggings and a grey shirt. She'd felt the need to be more covered, more in control.

Lilly sat at the table, curling a leg up underneath her. The coffee Ray had bought her had been all she'd had for the day, and her stomach tentatively gave a growl. Ray smiled over at her, his lasagne already being devoured. She pushed hers around on the plate. As hungry as she was, she was more nervous about letting a secret go that had been hers, and hers alone for years, and her stomach had contracted, not only with hunger but with trepidation. She wasn't sure she could squeeze any food in with the butterflies already in residence down there.

"So, what do you want, Ray?" Lil levelled her eyes at him. It was no use telling him anything if he was just going to leave again. But his comments so far hadn't convinced her that was his plan this time. He ate another forkful of lasagne before meeting her eyes. He chewed slowly, taking his time before putting his fork down and leaning back a little in his chair. When he spoke, his voice was rumbling soft.

"I want what I wanted when I was twenty two, and you were holding on to me and we were just riding…" His eyes looked distant, and she knew he was rediscovering the memory, the things they could hope for once they'd both clawed their way out of the raw deals they'd both been dealt simply from the families they were born in to. Back then, they were adamant their children wouldn't grow up fatherless, barely loved. Lil felt the tears prickling, aching to get out and she bowed her head, studied the uneaten lasagne that slowly wafted steam.

"Lil…" She could hear the chair squeak under him as he leant forward, reached out to free her fingers from her fork and encase them with his own.

"Lil…" She couldn't look up at him. She'd never spoken the words out loud, and all she could manage was a quiet gasp.

"Can't." She said, biting her lip, struggling for control. She drew a knee up to rest her chin on, thanking the decision she'd made when she started wearing her hair out; it formed a cascade around her, a kind of shield. Ray let the silence hold, and it gave her time to form words around thoughts, to steel herself so that she could look up into his eyes.

"I can't have children, Ray. You can't have what we wanted." She smoothly pulled her hand from his grasp and pushed her chair out with a jerk. She stood up, not knowing where she was going, only that she couldn't be in the same room as him as the news sank in, couldn't watch his dreams crumble as hers had when she'd heard.

Olivia and Tripod followed her into the small room off the lounge room, curled around her as she lay on the daybed, her knees hugged to her chest. She reached out, pulled Olivia to her chin and stroked her head, trying to block out the sounds of his chair scraping back in the kitchen, of the slow footsteps that followed her path through to where she lay. There was silence in the room, and she imagined she could hear him breathing. Then the day bed sagged in the middle as his weight was lowered beside her. He didn't reach out to touch her, and she was glad, not sure she could take it. The silence grew to a crescendo between them, and she was silently almost begging him to say something, to give her any idea of how he felt.

"I want you, Lil. You'll…" She remembered that he was always monosyllabic, and she could almost feel him struggling to choose the right words. She'd always been the talker out of the two of them, and while he'd occasionally come out with longer sentences he'd, more often than not, just agreed with her or remained a silent presence, warm beside her, as he was now.

"You're all I need…" She kept her back to him, her eyes staring at his subtle shadow painted on the wall by the overflowing light from the lounge. He was still, his face cast towards her. She closed her eyes, blocking out the fluttering shadow of his hands that he brought up to rub his own eyes with. She felt, rather than saw him get up and leave the room. Alone again, Lilly stifled her sobs against Olivia's velvet fur and wondered what she was crying for; herself, Ray or the children they'd dreamed of together.

It was late when she woke, and realised she'd actually fallen asleep. Soft light filtered through from the lounge room, where a lamp had been left on. Sitting up, rubbing eyes that felt tired despite the brief sleep, Lilly pushed off the comforter that Ray must have draped over her. She tentatively walked to the kitchen, wondering where he was. Although he'd cleaned up after dinner, she could still smell the faint waft of lasagne on the air. Lil looked out the window, saw the Harley still parked out front. He was obviously still here, just not downstairs. She debated about sleeping on the day bed, but decided against it. For once, she didn't feel like being alone.

After turning off the lamp, she padded quietly up the stairs, feeling her way in the dark. The door to her room was ajar, and she pushed it further open, letting herself in silently. She could hear him breathing, didn't think it was slow enough for him to be asleep. Sliding onto her own side of the bed, Lilly kept her eyes open, waiting for them to adjust to the darkness. In time, she could see the outline of his face and the shimmer of his eyes staring back at her. He reached an arm out, and she paused a moment before moving closer to him, allowing it to gently reach around her, his hand coming up to stroke her hair.

"I'm sorry." Lilly's words were muffled in his chest, and he held her tighter, the hand on her hair stilling.

"It was… Something bad happened… I was ten…" Without realising it, she'd started crying again. She cursed herself internally; Lilly Rush could make it through a conversation without crying. Well, at least she could try and make it through the second time. Holding her breath and biting back sobs, Lil internally gave herself a shake. She owed it to him to tell him, and she needed to tell someone; to have someone other than George in her secret circle. Third time lucky.

"You know what my mother was like… She sent me out for alcohol. It was late, and the store was a few blocks away, but I'd done it a few times before." Lil spoke while he stayed silent, not interjecting or asking questions. Her words were quietened by his chest before they hovered in the shadowy room. She came to the end, to being told by two separate doctors that children weren't something she could expect, and waited expectantly. She didn't know what kind of a response she would get; pity, empathy, disgust that she could let that happen to her.

"Like I said, all I need is you. And you're perfect just the way you are. But if I ever found him…" Ray's arms instinctively tightened around her as his anger was verbalised. Lil shifted and he relaxed again. She leaned up, let her lips linger on his. He spoke little, but somehow he always found the right words when they were needed.

They made love slowly, looking at each other through the darkness before they fell asleep together, limbs intertwined, breaths synchronous.