Hi there, Journal.

I know what you must be think after seeing the date I wrote in the corner.

April 25th? It's already APRIL? You mean to tell me that you haven't written in me for MONTHS?!

To that, I will say "You're dang RIGHT I haven't." In fact, I haven't written in you for over 6 months now and I'm not the least bit sorry about it.

You probably want to why, don't you?

Well journal, I'll TELL you why and I'll even tell you why for free. I haven't journaled in over 6 months because I've been BUSY.

"Okay, well, busy with what?" you may say next, to which I will reply with PERSONAL STUFF, okay? I've been busy with a bunch of personal stuff.

I guess I need to catch you up on all the details of what's gone on between my last entry and now. I mean, I probably SHOULD that is if I ever want to know what in the heck I'm talking about when I find this journal and read it some 60 years down the road, shouldn't I? After all, isn't that the whole point of documenting all this junk down in the first place? So that future-me can look back on it all and laugh with my newfound wisdom from the privacy of my room in the nursing home?

So last time I wrote I had decided to change my image and really start to try and figure out who I am as a person without Arnold. I guess it's worked?

Let's put it this way, my new look has helped me to feel more free and that's been a HUGE thing for me. Since turning 13 last month (yeah, I know, I'm a real live teenager now), I think that my clothes and how I look each morning has helped me FEEL like a teenager, does that make sense? I don't know, I just feel like all that pink just... wasn't necessarily me?

Not that I don't LIKE pink because it's a great color and all. It's more like... I feel like I need to explore other options? I'll probably eventually end up with pink again but for now it's nice to have a new skin that fits another side of myself I've never explored before.

Everyone at school was pretty shocked the first day I showed up in my new clothes, though.

Criminy! It was like they didn't even RECOGNIZE me- especially Arnold. I think that he thought my new look was on his account (which TECHNICALLY it was if you look at it that way, but it really had nothing to do with him so much as it had to do with me).

Arnold.

Yeah, I should probably talk about him, shouldn't I?

Well, as far as the football-head goes, we're okay. I mean, we aren't GREAT, but we talk now and again in the classes we share with each other. I don't know about HIM, but I still miss him and his family... I wonder if they miss me. It's hard to know since the only one talking to Stella or Miles (besides the obvious) is Miriam of all people.

I know. Miriam and Stella are STILL going strong on the whole 'adult female friends' thing which- fingers continue to remain crossed –has helped Miriam keep away from the blender.

Do I dare say it's been nice? Miriam tries to make up for her crappy parenting as much as she can, though it's hard to take her seriously with all the passed things she's done roaming around in my head. I always find myself wondering if she's acting genuine or if she just feels bad and is trying to compensate for her poor behavior.

I suppose Stella knows the truth behind how she feels; not like I'll ever find out.

Since Arnold and I broke up, I have seen Stella twice (when she came in to pick Miriam up for something and whatnot) and Miles once (at the grocery store. He was the same old Miles and I gotta say, I miss his idiotic and hilarious personality).

I don't fault them for not going out of their way to talk to me, though. With Arnold as their son, obviously their heart, attention, love, concern and all that jazz go to him, not his ex-girlfriend. Even if she is awesome, mega talented and misses them like crazy.

That was the hardest part of our break-up, if I'm being honest with myself. I think that maybe deep down, I really DID think that I'd mess everything up. However even though I thought it was a possibility, I had never really thought too hard on what that meant in terms of habits.

For instance, I used to go to Arnold's house near every day after school. These days I just go right home and do my homework. Sometimes I chat with Phoebe on the phone but for the most part I keep to myself a majority of the time.

Maybe it's a self-defense mechanism.

Maybe I'm sick of people feeling sorry for me.

Maybe I need to be with myself for a while.

Whatever the reasoning may be, I don't talk to much of anyone except for- wait for it –Olga of all people.

Yes journal, you DID read that correctly.

After our shopping excursion and the break-up and EVERYTHING, I started to actually talk to Olga. If I'm being honest my motives weren't exactly pure at first- I was only really talking to her because she was buying all of these clothes for me and I knew if I played nice she'd get me pretty much whatever I wanted. Anyway, it may not have started with the best of intentions, but I think that Olga has a lot of the same problems I do, she just deals with things differently- probably because she's the oldest?

I don't know. I think that she has this crazy perfect complex not because SHE has it but it was more forced on her by Bob's endless pushing. In some ways, I kind of feel BAD for her.

Almost.

I mean, she still does get all the attention and affection and adoration (and her own NAME for cripes sake). On the flip side of that though she is constantly under scrutiny and I sometimes think that it hindered her more than helped.

Let me explain.

I may be invisible and have lived that way a lot of my life but BECAUSE I was invisible, I was able to find my true passions in life. Writing became an escape and because of the isolation and whatnot, I was able to hone my craft and get pretty good at it. Who knows if I ever would be the writer I am today had it not been for the life I grew up with?

That being said, I may have a new insight on my big sister, but I'm still not exactly her biggest fan.

These days she's constantly trying to get me to spend at least SOME of the summer with her. She'd brought the idea up while we were shopping and she hasn't let it go. EVERY SINGLE TIME we talk, she slips in how nice it is at her house with her roommates in the big city and how I'd love it and I need to just try it even for a couple weeks (though I know Olga and she'll end up keeping me practically the entire summer and I just don't know if I'm at a point with her yet that I could spend MONTHS with the woman).

That's not to say I haven't CONSIDERED it.

On the one hand, it would be really nice to get out of Hillwood; escape some of the memories sure to haunt me with school being out. Plus I'd probably run into Arnold a million times and each time would hurt just a little more.

What if he gets a new girlfriend?

What if I see him on the street someday and he's walking hand-in-hand with some girl I don't know?

Or worse... a girl that I DO know.

And no, I'm not going to say Lila. That girl has been going strong with Stink-O and I'm amazed it's lasted this long, honestly. Weirdly enough, the two seem made for each other and I watch them with so much anger within me- but not directly towards Lila like you'd think.

No, my rage is directed towards the BOTH of them.

Why is it that LILA freakin' SAWYER and STINKY PETERSON of all people can make a relationship work, and yet Arnold and I can't? It doesn't compute in my brain, honestly. The girl is a do-gooder and a nonstop one at that. Stinky likes idiotic pranks and hanging out with Sid and Harold.

Although, the hierarchy of Hanson Middle School has changed quite a bit since our first dance earlier this year.

For instance, Stinky, Sid and Harold? They don't talk a whole lot these days. That is, not in public so much. The three amigos have seemingly split up for bigger and brighter things and I blame it on football.

After the school dance, Harold got really into the football team (probably because they rule the school and I wouldn't doubt for 2 seconds that pink-boy is trying to gain popularity so Rhonda and him can 'officially' be together) and Sid? Well, since Stinky has Lila nowadays, he doesn't hang out with them as often.

I mean sure, he still sits with the pair at lunch so everyone knows they are still friends, but I've seen Sid talk to Iggy more as of recently and I wonder if he isn't upgrading on Stinky while he dates little miss perfect.

Frankly, all of this stuff is so petty and I honestly couldn't care less about the state of cliques in our school or who's dating who. I guess I'm more writing it down so I can remember how entirely DUMB and POINTLESS middle school is.

If (and by if I mean WHEN) Arnold and I get back together and stay together this time, I hope to look back on these dramatics and laugh. Maybe it'll keep me in check next time something stupid comes between us and threatens to break us up.

Because if it is ONE thing I know, it's that I am NEVER letting him go when we inevitably get back together.

Have I learned stuff about myself since being single? Sure.

Am I completely okay with who I am as a person? I mean, kinda.

Does that mean that I'm ready to pursue a relationship with Arnold again? Always.

I highly doubt there would ever be a time that I WOULDN'T willingly give up everything to be with that kid.

That being said, I have a plan.

And it's a GOOD plan.

Well, sort of.

You see, May 1st lands on a Saturday this year and because it's 'May Day' or some bogus holiday like that, Rhonda found it to be a good enough reason to use it as an excuse for hosting yet ANOTHER big party at her mansion.

She's calling it the 'May Day Masquerade' and I guess we all have to wear fancy masquerade masks (which most of us are making ourselves because we all can't have butt-tons of money like the Lloyds) and get all dressed up for this shindig. While I hate the idea of getting all dressed up again, I think that this masquerade could be my perfect opportunity to win back Arnold's affections.

All I have to do is show up and be this new, confident me that I've been working on and he'll see that what happened between us was a mistake and we are meant to be together.

Okay, so it isn't really a PLAN per se... but it's a blind hope and if I have blind optimism on my side, that has to prove SOMETHING to Arnold; show him that I've changed. Because I feel like I've changed... and that's what he wanted, wasn't it? For me to change and be confident in myself or some nonsense like that?

Anyway, I've written plenty for the day and my hand is starting to cramp up. I'll probably write again soon seeing as (as much as I hate to admit this) Miles was right when he said it's kind of therapeutic to write down all this feelings-and-thoughts-mumbo-jumbo.

Wish I could tell him that.

Maybe after Rhonda's shindig, I'll be able to.

I hope.

God, I really hope so.

~Helga

Fun little update:

Tomorrow is Rhonda's big party and I heard through the grapevine (and by grapevine, I mean Phoebe who heard it from Gerald, obviously) that Arnold is DEFINITELY going to be there.

This party is my big chance to get him back; to get him to see that this Helga is new, improved and quite possibly the best version of myself that I've ever been. If I can just somehow get him alone so he can see how different I really am from that jealous girl at the dance... I really stand a chance to be with him again.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Well, you know, your hypothetical fingers, that is.

~Helga

HOLY SMOKES Journal, I am fresh home from Rhonda's May Day Masquerade and the night that I've had will ASTOUND and AMAZE you!

My tale begins around an hour into the party itself.

I was already prepared to go home. Rhonda's little bash was loud and cramped (keep in mind the girl lives in a mansion so big you can practically get LOST in it which should tell you just how many people were there) and I was bored because Gerald and Phoebe had wandered off to be swallowed by the hoards of humans filling the home.

This 'ball' as Rhonda had so quaintly described it when inviting people, was just like a miniature school dance. Seeing as I skipped the Winter dance and am intending to skip the Spring dance later this May, her party made me feel uncomfortable and brought back unpleasant memories which left a sour taste in my mouth.

I wanted to leave.

I was done with that environment and I desperately wanted to ditch... but Phoebe and Gerald were completely out of my sight and I couldn't just leave without telling them what was up.

So I went to the only place on the property where it was much quieter and there was plenty of space; I went outside. Now keep in mind, I hadn't seen Arnold yet at this point and frankly I wasn't expecting to actually see him. So I guess I went outside to both get away and to mope a little if I'm being honest.

Anyway, there I was, sitting on the stairs that led to the source of booming music which filtered in and out of the mansion with each open and close of the front door. I was staring out at nothing in particular when the door opened and let music out as it had been doing the entire night.

However THIS time, the opening of the door was accompanied by a voice. "Didn't expect to find you out here," it said and I didn't have to turn around to recognize the source of the unexpected conversation.

Without physically acknowledging the statement, I tried to remain calm and spoke with as little inflection as possible. "Yeah well I could say the same for you, Hair Boy."

Arnold's footsteps grew louder as he walked towards me and soon he was within my line of vision; his body choosing to stop and stand just beside where I sat. "To be fair, you weren't looking for me," he said in a teasing manor.

I paused for a moment at what he'd said before saying in a pointed tone, "What, and YOU were looking for ME?"

He opted to stay silent and it took a second before I turned to look at him with expectant eyes . As we looked to each other I ended up breaking the eye contact with a scoff and sighed while returning my attention the world outside of Rhonda's party. "Didn't think so."

I could feel his gaze as he continued to look at me before finally speaking again. "I didn't say I wasn't... looking for you, that is."

With a shake of my head I didn't subject myself to looking in his direction again and instead talked to the open world ahead of me. "Right... Well, I'm utterly convinced."

I didn't have to look over at him to know he had pursed his lips while sighing loudly. I was sure his eyes were still set on me and he had probably shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his jeans like he usually stood these days when he was feeling awkward, nervous and uncomfortable.

"No matter what you believe," he began in a shaky voice, "I'm glad I ran into you out here. It's kinda loud in there..."

Smirking, I nodded my head minimally while continuing to avert my eyes from his pools of emerald green. "How astute of you," I replied with a sarcastic undertone. "I see that giant head of yours is working A-okay."

Arnold seemed to give himself a moment to think about how he should respond to my acidic words. After a beat, he decided to instead approach the elephant that sat betwixt the two of us on the steps.

"Look, I know we haven't talked a ton since... everything..." his voice was pained and his thoughts seemed miles away as he spoke. "I can tell you've been avoiding me at school and that's completely fine... I get it... it's just that-"

"Just that WHAT, Arnoldo?" I asked while finally giving in to my urge to turn and face him head on with burning eye-contact. "Hmm?"

For a long time he just stared at me. He was searching in my eyes for something and as much as I tried not to let it wig me out, it was me who ended up breaking the connection to look away.

"You're... different... these days." The words had been chosen carefully and I blinked once while soaking in its meaning.

Taking a deep breath, I let slowly let it out while considering what he it was he wanted me to say. Finally I settled on agreement. "Okay... and? What do YOU care?"

He shrugged before responding, "I don't know, I guess I like it?" His words were tentative and hesitant as if to test the waters and see my reaction before he committed to the opinion.

I glanced over at him from the corner of my eye before returning to watch the empty street ahead of me. "It's okay I guess."

"You don't like it?" I had confused him and I shut my eyes for a moment to collect myself before explaining further.

"It's not that I don't like it it's just..." I frowned and looked down to my hands which fiddled with one another in my lap. "It took some getting used to, that's all."

Nodding his head, Arnold took the opportunity to sit down beside me and continue our conversation. "I think that it feels more... YOU."

"Oh yeah?" I countered while looking over to him with a faint smile. "And how did you reach THAT conclusion, smart guy? What is so ME about a costume change?"

"Costume change?" Arnold repeated with a small chuckle.

"What? Like these clothes-" I gestured to my outfit before outstretching my arms to gesture towards his, "-and your endless supply of plaid, plus that dumb little hat of yours that you wear every single day isn't your 'costume?' That all of it isn't your very IDENTITY with which you present to the world and it's inhabitants?"

With a raise of his brows, Arnold eyed me with a grin. "You're not wrong."

"Well, doi!" I exclaimed. "As if THAT'S a surprise."

"You always surprise me, Helga," Arnold said and at the sound of my name passing his lips, a shiver danced up my spine. "Even when I'm expecting it."

I turned to look at him with a air of confusion. "Okay, I'll bite. What do you mean by that, football-head?"

"I guess I always know that you're going to surprise me. While I have tons of confidence in you and your talents and thoughts... you still always surprise me with what you say and think because it's never what I'm expecting?" He laughed at his explanation while looking away from me. "I guess that doesn't make a whole lot of sense but-"

I cut him off while facing him with an earnest expression. "No, no I uh... I get what you're saying. I think I do, anyway."

"I mean, take your new clothes for instance," Arnold continued and I kept my attention on him while remaining skeptical of where he was headed with this discussion. "I wasn't expecting the wardrobe change but I really like it. It feels more like how you yourself want to dress... like the pink was, like you said, a costume."

Chewing on his comment, I nodded my head slowly while coming to understand what he had said. "Sure, okay. But the pink wasn't the issue so much as... the rest of it."

"Like your bow?"

I turned to look at him with blank eyes. "That was part of it... yeah." Sighing, I returned my attention to my hands in my lap. "I just wanted to make a whole new personality that wasn't centered around who I was in elementary school. After everything that's happened... I'm not the same person that I used to be. At least, I'd hope that I'm not."

"Don't worry," Arnold said reassuringly, "you're not."

"You think so?" I asked while fighting the urge to look at him with hopeful eyes; a longing within the gaze that I was positive Arnold wasn't interested in witnessing in our current environment.

"Helga," he began slowly and I gave in to temptation to look at him; his proximity close to me from where we sat on the steps. I could feel the body heat he gave off and my heart began to race at the sound of my name passing his glorious lips... lips that I yearned to kiss once more while at the same time knowing I couldn't or it would completely ruin whatever moment we were about to have. "I've really missed you."

My mouth grew dry and I swallowed the air I had sucked in. "You... you have?"

It was Arnold's turn to look away from me this time; his expression sheepish as he looked down at his black converse-clad feet which rested on the pavement beneath us. "Of course I have. I didn't WANT to break-up-"

"So why DID you, then? Why DID you break up with me if you like me so much?" The words had an air of irritation laced within them, though Arnold merely met my eyes with a bittersweet glimmer in his gaze.

"You know why, Helga."

I wanted to argue with him right there. I wanted to yell at him and tell him that I DIDN'T know why and that, as hard as I'd tried, I STILL didn't understand why it was that he hadn't wanted to work things out. No matter how long it had been, I had yet to figure out why it was that we had to throw away all of the progress we'd made together because of some stupid misunderstanding.

But I didn't.

Instead I just nodded my head once and looked out towards the unimportant world ahead of me.

And that, journal, is when I felt something shift between Arnold and I as we sat together outside of Rhonda's May Day Masquerade. The energy, the vibe, whatever you want to call it completely changed and suddenly my heart was thumping so hard in my chest that I was nearly positive Arnold could hear it.

Despite my feelings, I kept quiet and focused my attention forwards in the hope that maybe something was about to happen between us once more.

Anyway, Arnold must have felt the dynamic change too, because he took a super shaky breath before resuming the conversation we were directly in the middle of. But his tone... his tone was more gentle, more careful in this gingerly-sort-of-manor and... well, needless to say it sent my nerves into a kind of frenzy beneath my skin.

"Just because we broke up doesn't mean that I don't still have... a lot of feelings towards you," the words stumbled out of his mouth no matter how carefully he tried to speak them. "I need you to understand that."

Slowly I turned my head to meet Arnold's eyes with my own and I bit my lip while struggling to find the right thing to say. "Mm," I hummed while trying to speak but ultimately losing the battle. "Mmhmm," I settled on and my heart continued to beat rapidly within my chest.

As we shared this intense look outside of the party, our eyes searched one another's as if trying to find any good reason to walk away from each other.

...And...

Well, I guess we couldn't find one because gradually we leaned in to one another and at LONG LAST, our lips met again under the starlight of night. It was absolutely beautiful and tender and full of emotion that neither of us could voice. As we kissed, I felt this tension within me melt away and it was as though everything that had happened between us was erased with the simple grazing of our lips.

It was magical.

It was magnificent.

It was absolutely PERFECT and, even though we didn't talk about it after it happened, I'm pretty sure that it's safe to say Arnold and I are back together?

Honestly, the whole thing is still a pretty big shock to me but I'm not going to fight it. If Arnold wants to get back together then I am TOTALLY down but... I mean at SOME point we're going to have to really talk about what happened between us and I'll apologize to him but he has to apologize to me too because sure, I didn't trust him, but he didn't trust ME either so... there's that.

But I'll deal with that another day. For now, I'm just basking in the glory of our renewed love; his kiss still lingering on my lips as I write this all down.

Could things really be looking up? After months of being apart, could Arnold I REALLY be getting back together? Criminy... I sure hope so.

~Helga

Well Journal, it's official:

I have no idea where I stand with Arnold anymore.

Seeing as it's the weekend right now, we decided to meet up at the park earlier today and talk about stuff- you know, just sort of catch up with one another and all that.

And things were really... really weird.

Allow me to explain.

So we decided to meet at this particular bench in the park which I had apparently gotten to earlier than him because I was waiting for like 15 minutes but that's not the point. Anyway, Arnold comes walking up and he looks... distressed? I'm not really sure how to better explain the look on his face than that.

I spot him walking towards me, and I smiled, of course and he smiles back which was, you know, NORMAL. But even as he smiled at me I could tell something felt off. The energy that was being exchanged between us felt NOTHING like how it had when we were outside Rhonda's party last night.

But I ignored it because I don't know his life, you know? I don't know what had happened at home right before he showed up.

"You don't look like your usual optimistic self," I noted, to which he responded with a BIG sigh.

A distressed sigh.

A gloomy sigh.

An all-around BAD sigh, okay? It was pretty obvious this sigh wasn't going to come with a side of sugar.

"Is... is something wrong, Arnold?" My voice was calm and I tried to be as kind as I could muster for fear that something really serious had happened that he might need consoling over.

"I...I don't know?" It was almost like he was asking ME if he was okay and I didn't really know what to say in response.

"Um..." I landed on before nodding my head with a purse of my lips. "Okay..."

"It's just that," he began suddenly and I perked my head up to look at him intensely as he spoke. "What... what HAPPENED between us last night exactly?"

"Huh?" I was in shock. I stared at him so completely that I wasn't even blinking in an effort not to miss a single thing he said or did.

As if staring would help.

As if staring would give me any kind of inkling as to whatever crazy thoughts were swimming around that giant noggin of his.

"It's not that it was bad or anything," he scrambled to say after my reaction. "I just mean... what... happened?"

I smirked humorlessly. "Well, if memory serves me right, I'm pretty sure that we kissed..." I was so confused and I didn't understand where he was headed with all of his nonsense. "You feeling alright there, football-head?"

Waving off my concern, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I just want us to be ready," he mumbled. "I want this to be right."

This sent a wave of irritation throughout my body and I reached my arms up to fold them tightly across my chest. "Care to clue me in on exactly what about this isn't RIGHT?"

Arnold reached his hands up to rub his cheeks and eyes simultaneously as if the action alone would help him to figure out what he was trying to say. "Not US, Helga, the timing..." he mumbled before dropping his hands and twisting his body to face me more completely. "Do you remember why we broke up in the first place?"

I could tell immediately that this was some kind of trick question and I thought through my response carefully before deciding to answer. "Because..." I dragged out the word, "because we had mutual trust issues...?"

A heavy sigh came from Arnold at my response and I knew that I hadn't passed his stupid test.

"No, Helga," he said with a minimal shake of his head. "The distrust between us wasn't mutual; I ALWAYS trusted you-"

"But you didn't, okay?" I snapped back at him. "If you trusted me, you would have told me about your dumb matchmaking scheme instead of keeping me in the dark!"

Arnold reached up to rub at the bridge of his nose in frustration. "It wasn't my secret to tell, you know that..."

I laughed without humor and glared in his direction. "Fine, Arnoldo, fine. I'll give you that much," I offered him before pausing to take a deep breath and continuing. "BUT aren't I supposed to be your girlfriend? Your partner? That means you TELL me things, doesn't it? ESPECIALLY when you KNEW, because I freakin' TOLD you for cripes sake, that it was weighing on me heavily and driving me insane?"

"Why wasn't it enough that I told you it wasn't bad and had nothing to do with you?" he countered right back with more of a disappointed tone than an angry one. "You didn't trust me-"

"No," I cut him off while pointing forcefully at him, "YOU didn't trust ME. At the VERY least, Hair Boy, we didn't trust each other but don't go BLAMING me for the whole thing when it's partially your fault too."

Arnold looked down at his feet and nodded his head while considering something. After a moment, he spoke in a soft voice; his tone tentative as though he were fearful of what he was saying.

"Look," he began, "I just don't think that-"

"Don't even bother, Shortman," I stopped him while standing up from the park bench we'd been seated at. "Allow me," I demanded while turning around to look at him with my hands planted on my hips. "You like me a lot and you want to be with me but not right now because we need to figure ourselves out and kissing me the other day was a mistake."

"It wasn't a mistake, Hel-"

But I wasn't about to let him deliver the final blow; I wasn't going to let him say the words I knew would break me (AGAIN) if they passed his lips. I had to do this. I had to be the one to rip my own heart out because it wouldn't hurt quite as bad if it was me who did it.

"Right, right, right," I agreed halfheartedly, "it wasn't a MISTAKE, it was a MISUNDERSTANDING and you are sorry because you never meant to lead me on into thinking we would be able to get back together when we are still too young and need to learn more about ourselves as individuals before we can be a 'healthy couple.'" I finished my sentence with quotation marks before turning around and beginning to stomp away from where he still remained on the bench.

"Helga, wait!" He called after me, and, foolish as I was, I turned around to meet his eyes as he stood up, ready to run after me.

"WHAT," I spat at him with my hands in tight fists at my sides. "I did it for you, okay? You don't have to SAY anything this time, got it, bucko?"

"But-"

"NO ARNOLD," I shouted and a few wandering eyes from other strangers visiting the park looked in our direction, though we hardly noticed. "I get the whole... 'it's not you, it's me' routine and I applaud you for implementing it so flawlessly-"

He took a few steps in my direction while outstretching his hand as if he could stop me from continuing with the simple motion alone. "If you would just listen to me-"

"I'm THROUGH listening to the same... the same damn speech over and over again." I couldn't halt the words and I gave in to saying exactly what I was thinking. "I-I LOVE you, Arnold. I thought that I made that really clear for you but apparently it isn't enough. Or it's too much. Honestly I have a hard time figuring out what goes on in that giant head of yours-"

"Helga..."

"-But I'm done, okay? I'm ripping the band-aid off for you this time so you don't have to worry about me anymore, got it?" I could feel my defenses rising as I made the final break between the two of us. "And YES, we will still talk and YES I'll still be around and we can be FRIENDS but... but if YOU'RE the one who isn't ready for this relationship- for my LOVE or whatever -then that's on you, because I KNOW what I want and I'm not questioning it like you and your giant seems to be doing on endless loop."

He had given up trying to talk as I went off on him; his eyes locked with mine in a sad expression as he waited for me to finish.

"So go ahead and go back to your perfect little family and your perfect little life and... and I guess I'll see you around." I paused for a moment while we stared at each other; silence settling between us as we waited for the other to speak.

"I WANT to be with you," Arnold said at last and I raised a brow at him in disbelief while folding my arms over my chest. "But I-I... I don't want to have these problems and maybe if we wait or if we just work on a relationship without a label or..." He shook his head as if to steady his thoughts before resuming. "I just... I don't know. I'm not sure—I don't know if..."

My eyes stayed on him for a long time before I sighed and pursed my lips while nodding. "I get it. I get it, Arnold."

"You... you do?" He looked up at me in bewilderment as though I'd just admitted to being able to read his mind.

I shrugged my shoulders. "You figure yourself out and I'll figure myself out." Swallowing hard, I then delivered my final sentiment. "I just hope that by the time you're actually READY for me and all of my feelings... well, I hope that I'll still be interested in you and your gigantic, freakish head." I forced the words out of my mouth in an effort to hurt him despite knowing full well that what I'd said wasn't true. I knew that I'd always want to be with Arnold. The kid had been my entire world for as long as I could remember so I saw no end in sight when it came to my complete adoration for him.

I'd ALWAYS love Arnold.

Even though I had tried to hurt him with my food-for-though, the insult fell flat on him without so much as a flinch on his part. As I waited for the reaction that never came, I looked deeply into his eyes to see that something was happening inside that enormous head of his. And whatever it was that was happening between US was affecting him in some way that I didn't (and still don't) understand. I could tell that gears were moving inside of his brain, but he just stood there and looked at me as if he were in shock... as if what I'd said hadn't computed or he was frozen or something.

Together, we stood on the path in the park and stared at each other as though our silent looks were speaking a language entirely on their own. I knew he was sad and as I looked into those once inviting eyes, all I could see was disappointment- but not in myself.

I think Arnold was disappointed in himself.

I know, I know, that sounds really stupid considering he's the one who keeps breaking up with me but I genuinely wonder if the kid just doesn't know what he wants? Or maybe he doesn't understand what he's feeling or what to do with it. Honestly, I don't know but I hope he gets it figured out because I meant what I said- I'm not just going to sit around and wait for him to come-to-terms with whatever is holding him back from me.

And maybe he's right.

Maybe it IS all my fault and maybe it's ME who has the issues.

But it's NOT. Whether he wants to publicly admit it or not, Arnold has something going on inside of him that I just don't get. He's always been so empathetic and understanding and... MATURE. Now suddenly he can't make the move to be with me and STAY with me?

As much as it hurt to know that we aren't getting back together, it somehow doesn't hurt QUITE as much as when we first broke up all those months ago. It could be because I was the one who said everything out loud, but I really think it has something to do with that look he gave me.

It was disappointed, like I said, but there was also this sort of panicked look intermingled with it.

Anyway. The conversation didn't go great (obviously) but it DID make me come to at least ONE conclusion- I've decided that I WILL go to Olga's for the Summer. Not ALL of the Summer obviously, but a good chunk of it at least. I figure that it might be nice to get out of Hillwood and be away from Arnold for once. Maybe if we aren't constantly running into each other we'll be able to figure ourselves out and MAYBE next year can be different.

Maybe next year will be OUR year and we can start the beginning of the rest of our lives together.

You know. The way we were supposed to right after San Lorenzo until that stupid school dance...

Criminy, I sure hope going to Olga's is a good idea. I love the kid and I know that I always will... but for how long? I've been waiting for Arnold to love me back for most of my life and after tasting what that felt like for even the BRIEFEST of moments... I know that it's worth waiting for.

Well, at least for a LITTLE longer, that is.

I gotta believe that he's going to wise up over the Summer, especially if I'm not around. And who knows? They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder and maybe that will be the case with us.

That's enough positivity for the day. I'm off to go be cynical and angry for a while.

Gotta call Olga first though... she'll be so (annoyingly) excited.

~Helga

This was a doozy of a chapter to write, but overall I'm pretty happy with the final product. Please let me know what you thought of it by leaving me a REVIEW! I greatly appreciate any and all feedback :)

See you at the next chapter! (Hopefully you all don't hate me so much that you don't want to continue on this journey with me haha) Thank you for your continued support on this story.

xo

Polka