Chapter 22: A Job Well Dung

James, Sirius, and Peter came galumphing back to the dormitory half an hour later; immediately, they all started doing their individual Knocks at the same time. Remus groaned. "Look, you've made your point. Knocking on one's own dormitory door is annoying. Come on in."

"It's not annoying now that it's Maraudery!" James said with glee as he threw open the dormitory door. Remus snorted at the made-up word, and then yawned and sat up.

"Find out anything good?"

"Yeah! We learned the Slytherin common room password! It's Shafiq."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "The Shafiq family is one of the Sacred Twenty-Eight. They're gits, the lot of them. Of course they'd be the Slytherin password." He suddenly stopped, evidently considering. "I wonder if Black has ever been the password. Wouldn't that be weird?"

"So we're just going to waltz into the common room, throw a Dungbomb into Snape's dormitory, and then leave?"

"Yep!" James seemed to be much too excited about the whole thing.

"How will we know which dormitory is Snape's?"

There was silence. "We didn't think of that," Sirius finally admitted. "Guess we'll just have to check them all."

Remus would have disagreed, but truth be told, he had a nose like a bloodhound. Snape's room wouldn't be very difficult to find for a werewolf. He couldn't tell Sirius, James, and Peter this, however, so he just nodded his head. "Fine. Are we leaving now?"

James wrinkled his nose. "Are you okay, Remus?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"No offense, Sirius, but that's a really stupid idea. We're going to get caught if we check every room. And it's not like you, Remus, to agree to that."

Remus racked his brain for an excuse. Finding one, this time, wasn't difficult. "By now, I've learned that you three are a force of nature that is impossible to stop. Besides, I need to get seven detentions. They might as well be Sirius' fault."

Peter beamed at the phrase you three, pleased to be lumped together with James and Sirius. "Yes, I suppose we are a force of nature," he said seriously.

"Enough talk!" said James. "Let's go!"

Remus couldn't tell whether he was mildly excited or wracked with dread. Perhaps both.

"Ow, Rem, you're stepping on my foot."

Remus scooted away from Sirius. "Sorry, but maybe I'd be more careful if you stopped elbowing me in the side."

"I am not, Mr. Fragile China Doll."

"Not you, too!" Remus stepped on Sirius' foot, this time on purpose. Sirius yelped in surprise. "Who's the china doll now?"

"I yield, I yield! Stop stepping on me!" Remus' sides ached from suppressed giggles, and Sirius' voice was breathy. Having friends was better than Remus could have ever imagined, even if he had to go along with their stupid prank ideas.

Suddenly, Remus caught a familiar scent. "Puttle," he whispered. "Ray Puttle, the Gryffindor Prefect. He's right around the corner."

"How do you know that?" asked Sirius, but James shushed him.

"Remus knows these things," he said, and guided them to the side of the corridor to allow Puttle to pass through.

Sure enough, Puttle came traipsing down the corridor a few seconds later, blowing pitched air through his pursed lips in a nearly-silent whistle. Remus recognized the tune: it was the national anthem. He held his breath and silently prayed that Peter would stop breathing so loudly.

The sounds of Puttle's footsteps eventually faded as he turned a couple corners to continue his patrol. Remus exhaled. "How did you know that?" Sirius said, dumbstruck.

"I have a good sense of hearing," Remus said, which was the truth. "I get it from my mum," he continued, which was a lie.

"Blimey. You're like a superhero. I thought mine was good."

They continued along the corridor for a few more minutes, not daring to talk. Finally, James sighed. "Why are there so many stairs in this school?" he complained, and crawled out from under the Cloak.

"James!" Remus hissed. "Are you insane?"

"No one's around," said James. "This is a lot easier." Indeed, it was much easier with three under the Cloak instead of four. Sirius grinned and crawled out as well.

"Ahhh, fresh air!" he said jovially. "No offense, Remus, but you smell sort of like the library."

"James is carrying a Dungbomb, and that's what you complain about?"

"Silly. You can't smell a Dungbomb until it explodes."

Remus could, but he didn't feel the need to tell Sirius that. "Right. Of course."

Peter slowly took the Cloak off of his shoulders and joined Sirius and James. Remus noted that Peter seemed to find solidarity in braving danger with James and Sirius; Remus, however, wasn't that reckless. "I'm staying under the Cloak," he said. "And don't blame me if you get caught."

James led the way, which was stupid, seeing as he was completely visible. He was talking to Sirius and Peter about Quidditch, and his voice got louder as the minutes passed. Remus shushed them four times before he finally gave up.

Remus inhaled through his nose determinedly as they walked, hoping to catch the scent of somebody before they caught James, Sirius, and Peter. Suddenly, his blood ran cold. "There's a cat," he said. "Right around the corner."

"A cat?" James scoffed, but Sirius went pale.

"Mrs. Norris! Andromeda told me about her, too. She can talk to Filch."

"Talk? Are you mad?"

"Quick, under the Cloak!" The three of them dove under the Cloak, and Remus scrunched his elbows to his chest in an effort to give them more room. He heard four faint footsteps coming closer, and then a faint meow. The cat was standing right in front of them, looking thoroughly confused. She put her nose up in the air in a gesture that Remus was all too familiar with, and then ran in the opposite direction.

"She didn't see us, did she?" whispered Sirius as soon as he was sure that Mrs. Norris was gone.

"No," said Remus, "But I think she smelt us. Animals... animals have better senses of smell." Remus felt his chest constrict uncomfortably as he admitted to himself that he was an animal.

"Move!" Sirius all but pushed them down the flight of stairs, and they walked as quickly as possible to the dungeons without stumbling over the Clock. The air got mustier. Remus felt his breath grow heavier. He did not exercise frequently, for obvious reasons: even Peter was in better shape than he was, he suspected.

Suddenly, Sirius stopped. "Here," he said.

"I don't see a portrait-hole," said Remus, although he heard the sounds of students snoring from nearby.

"There's no portrait. It's just a stone wall," Sirius explained. "My whole family's Slytherin. I know these things. Shafiq!"

The stones moved apart in a way that was reminiscent of the entrance to Diagon Alley, but there were no awful scraping sounds of rock on rock. "That's a lot better security than the entrance to the Gryffindor common room," Remus admitted. "It's near impossible to find that common room unless you know a lot about Slytherin, isn't it?"

The Slytherin common room was quite ugly, Remus thought. Even though he quite liked the color green, he much preferred the knit pea-green of the sweaters that his mum made for him rather than the vivid green of the common room. The Gryffindor common room was a lot more welcoming, what with the fireplace and warm color scheme—Slytherin just made Remus want to puke. "That's a lot of green," James commented.

Sirius looked as if he really was going to puke. "It looks like my house," he muttered. "I hate this place. Let's find Snape and then get out."

"Finally, the Slytherin House will smell as it looks," whispered James. "Like puke and scum." Sirius snorted.

"Which way should we try first?" said Peter. "The one to the right?"

Remus closed his eyes and inhaled. There it was, the unmistakable smell of Snape. "The one to the left," he said.

"Why that one?" asked James.

"Well, Pete's usually wrong, isn't he?" joked Sirius. Peter laughed, and Remus was relieved that he was not offended.

"Slytherin is the House of the Dark," said Sirius quietly as they made their way to the dormitory. "Dark wizards, Dark magic... I wouldn't be surprised if there were Dark creatures in this House." A jolt ran through Remus' body at the disgusted remark towards his own species, but he pushed aside his discomfort. He had to focus, after all, lest he be caught and maybe thrown out of Hogwarts... because a werewolf was one thing and a rule-breaking werewolf was another, and he didn't want to be more trouble than he was worth...

Remus thought of sheep, and the other thoughts eventually disappeared.

"You think Snivelly is a vampire?" asked James.

"Wouldn't be surprised," said Sirius. "He looks like one, all dark and sallow. He's probably secretly planning on murdering us all. Sucking our blood, turning us into vampires, taking over the world with his fangs and his Dark magic..."

"Shush!" said Remus. "You're being too loud." That was a lie; Remus was certain that everyone was sleeping. The truth was, he did not want to hear Sirius' discriminatory comments about Dark creatures anymore: every word that he spoke seemed to be a personal blow. Secretly planning on murdering us... taking over the world with his fangs and his Dark magic...

Remus heard Questus' voice in his head telling him to be a little less sensitive. He heard James' voice calling him a fragile china doll. He heard Dumbledore's voice telling Remus that he deserved a place at Hogwarts. Remus ignored all three voices as best he could and thought of sheep.

They came to the dormitory door, and Remus felt a strange urge to knock. "Ready, lads?" came James' voice from his left. James reached his hand out and slowly... turned... the doorknob...

The door opened with a small creak, and the Marauders froze. Remus listened to the five boys' breathing from within the dormitory, but he did not detect any changes in breathing patterns. "I think they're still sleeping," he breathed.

James removed the Dungbomb from his pocket and rolled it across the floor. Remus heard it scrape against the floor, but he wasn't sure if anyone else could hear that or if it was just his enhanced senses. James' aim was very good, and the Dungbomb rolled straight and true. It came to a stop beneath Snape's bed with a small clunk... and then Snape inhaled sharply, albeit softly.

Remus knew that sound. It was the sound of someone waking up. "Move, move!" he hissed, and James shut the door as quietly as possible.

They tore through the school in record time and were back in their dormitory in less than ten minutes. James threw off the Invisibility Cloak. Remus heard four wildly beating hearts. There was short pause.

Suddenly, Sirius started to shake. Remus was alarmed for a second, but then realized that Sirius was shaking from suppressed laughter rather than a sudden, violent illness of sorts. "That... was... so good!" he cackled, trying to be quiet so as not to wake the other Gryffindor dormitories.

"How long until that Dungbomb goes off?" asked Remus breathlessly, trying to still the rapid beating of his heart.

"Four hours," said James. "It's a special delayed-reaction sort. They're pretty expensive, but they're worth it."

Remus did not think that a delayed-reaction Dungbomb was worth any money at all.

Peter collapsed on his bed and massaged his face. "That was so scary," he said.

"But it was fun!" said James.

"Yes!" said Peter. "It was so fun! When Puttle passed by us I thought for sure we were going to get caught! And you were brilliant, knowing about Mrs. Norris, Sirius. And Remus! I can't believe you knew that the cat was there and that Puttle was coming and that Snape was waking up; you're so amazing!"

Remus had never expected Peter to gush over him like he did Sirius and James. He felt a little odd—after all, he didn't want to be Peter's idol, he wanted to be his friend. And why should he be Peter's idol? He was a werewolf; his mere species was less than Peter's...

"It wasn't like that, Peter," said Remus uncomfortably. "It's not anything I did, it was just something I was born with."

"Would you stop all that?" said Sirius, a note of laughter still in his voice. "Trying to be all humble is very annoying, you know." Remus bit his lip, even though he knew that Sirius was joking. He hadn't been trying to be humble. He'd only been trying to deflate Peter's undeservingly high opinion of him. "You're almost as bad as James," Sirius continued, hanging upside-down off of the bed in a careless sort of way.

"I don't try to be humble," protested James.

"Exactly," said Sirius, and Remus snorted. "You and Remus cancel each other out, though—he has no self-confidence and you have a little too much."

"You're exaggerating. I'm not arrogant at all!" said James indignantly.

"Mate, you mumble about how good you are at Quidditch literally whenever you fly. Don't think I can't hear you."

James' cheeks colored a little. "Confidence is important for Quidditch."

"And in Transfiguration..."

"I'm good at Transfiguration!"

"And in Potions..."

"I was right, though—it is always you who messes up the potion!"

"...And literally all the time."

"I can't just stop being good at things."

"It's all right, James, we like you anyway," said Remus, who sensed that James was genuinely embarrassed. Remus indeed had heard James talking to himself a little—though Sirius was exaggerating regarding the frequency of his self-absorbed statements. "I'm around to cancel you out, anyway. I'm ridiculously good at that."

"Not you, too!" Sirius moaned.

"I'm better at it than you. In fact, I'm so good at it that..."

Sirius chucked his pillow at Remus, who caught it. "And my reflexes are amazing, too." He threw the pillow back at Sirius, but his aim was off and it hit the wall. Sirius snickered. "I was... aiming for the wall," Remus said quickly.

"You really do sound like James!" said Sirius.

"So," cut in James, in an attempt to change the subject, "you came round, right, Remus? You like to prank people now? I thought it was fun, and Sirius thought it was fun, and Pete thought it was fun... did you?"

Remus did, actually. It had been perilous, it had been terrifying, and it had been dangerous. Remus wasn't entirely comfortable with the idea of hurting Snape in any way, shape, or form, and he thought that the Dungbomb was a little mean-spirited. All things considered, though, there was a type of fun in braving danger with one's friends. There was something comfortable about the light-hearted teasing. There was something beautiful in the way that they could all work together seamlessly.

Remus slowly nodded. "Yeah, it wasn't bad..."

James grinned. "I knew you'd love it! We can do it again tomorrow. Or another one tonight! We can start planning now!"

That was where Remus drew the line. "You lot may be nocturnal, but I need to sleep." He actually was nocturnal, one night a month, but he pushed that thought to the back of his mind. "And furthermore, I may be confusing fear for fun. I think we all are."

"Fear is fun, sometimes," said Sirius. "It's all about perspective."

Remus drew his curtains shut to change, thinking of the anticipation before full moons, giant fanged monsters, the beating of his heart in the dark abandoned building that only he could hear, his bones about to snap, watching the moon slowly rise into the sky...

"Not always," he whispered, but he didn't think that anyone heard him.

Sure enough, Snape smelt of dung the next morning at breakfast. James and Sirius were staring at him with such a ferocity that Remus was sure that they would be caught. "I don't think it worked," Peter mumbled. "He looks fine to me."

"Yeah, I don't even smell anything," said James. "Maybe the Dungbomb was faulty."

Remus knew that it was not faulty, but he couldn't tell his friends how he knew. "His hair's wet, see?" Remus pointed out. "I think he took a shower. And he's never taken a shower before breakfast before. I think he showers in the evenings."

"I don't think he showers at all," said Sirius, "and I don't think his hair is wet, mate, I think it's just oily as always."

Remus rolled his eyes and buttered a crumpet. He wanted to argue, but he didn't know how to do so without blowing his cover. "Do you think the professors will investigate?"

"I don't think it worked at all," said James. "Maybe it'll go off later today. Which is fine, I s'pose—even if he's not in the room, the dormitory will stink all day. That's not as good, but it's better than nothing."

Remus wondered if James wanted to be reported.

Flying class was after breakfast, and it was the same as always. Remus gathered the courage to do a few slow laps, and James was hooting and yelling forty feet up in the air. "Fly a little lower!" Madam Hooch yelled after him, and James obliged—but only by four and a half feet.

But as they were leaving Flying class, their hair mussed and their cheeks rosy from the September chill, Remus heard Snape talking to Lily. He poked James in the shoulder, who was ranting about Quidditch. "Shush. I hear Snape."

James froze. "What's he saying?"

"Well, why don't you be quiet so that I can hear?"

Both James and Sirius were completely silent for probably the first time in their eleven years.

"I just know it was that Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew," grouched Snape. "Who else would think of something so juvenile? So childish? I thought I heard something last night, too."

Lily made a humming noise of agreement, and Remus felt a little hurt that she hadn't defended him. Then he remembered that it had been him. "You must have said that a dozen times," she said. "Why don't you tell a teacher?"

"Then they'll know they've gotten the better of me," Snape hissed. "And you know that they won't do a thing unless they have rock-solid evidence."

"At least you got the smell out all right."

"I scrubbed for hours," said Snape. "I even considered asking to borrow your perfume, but the last thing I need right now is to smell of flowers."

Lily giggled. "It's a little too flowery for me, too—I nicked it from Tuney. Mum and Dad think I'm too young for perfume. I only wear it when we have Herbology to mask the smell of dung."

"I like it," said Snape, and Remus felt awful. Snape didn't seem all that bad, really—only short-tempered and weary of being teased.

"So, what's he saying?" asked James. "I can only hear snippets. Heard my name, something about perfume, something about dung..."

"It worked," said Remus. "He did take a shower this morning. He knows it's us, but he won't report us seeing as there's no evidence."

Sirius grinned. "That could not have gone any better," he said. "A job well done, fellow Marauders!"

Remus did not think that it was a job well done at all, but he masked his uncertainty with one of those fake smiles that he was so good at and thought of sheep.

In less than five minutes, the guilt had dissipated, the knot in Remus' stomach untied himself, and he was once again laughing with his friends. It was hard to feel guilty when he was surrounded by wonderful people—misguided sometimes, yes, but wonderful all the same.

AN: I know exactly what I'd do with an Invisibility Cloak! ...Lose it, probably.