Chapter 23: A Party for Peter

"So there's a ghost in the girls' loo," Remus announced as he sat down next to Peter for supper. "Her name's Myrtle."

Sirius' face lit up. "You were in the girls' loo? I knew you were a proper Marauder!"

"No! Not on purpose, I mean. Er, I took a wrong turn," said Remus. "Wasn't paying attention. But there wasn't anyone in there but Myrtle. And boy, have I got a story for you."

"Spill," commanded James, and Remus obliged.

"Well, we were talking for a bit. Then she told me that I was thin... quiet... handsome..."

Sirius grinned. "Handsome?"

"She fancied me."

Peter choked on his steak, and Remus clapped him on the back. "She fancies you?" spluttered Peter. "Truly? Wow!"

"No, she fancied me. Past tense. I told her I wasn't interested." Remus did not mention that she seemed to have been attracted to his lycanthropy itself, instead of attracted to him in spite of it... the thought made him very confused. Being a werewolf was not an attractive trait.

"How old was she?" Sirius said, around a mouthful of chicken.

"She looked to be in fourth-year or so," said Remus, "so a bit old for me."

"You look a little older than eleven though," said James thoughtfully. "Maybe thirteen."

Remus knew this. In fact, if he was judging by the other werewolves that he had seen at the Registry, he could very well look old much before his time. The wear-and-tear of constant transformations was not easy on a person's body; Remus expected that he'd look to be in his fifties at age thirty. His mum told him all the time that his eyes were too old for an eleven-year-old... that he was too mature... that he had seen too much. It got annoying after a bit. "Still, I'm only eleven. It was weird."

"When do you turn twelve?" asked Sirius.

"March tenth."

"I turn twelve next month," said Sirius smugly. "What about you, James?"

"March twenty-seventh," James mumbled, and Sirius hooted.

"We're both older than you! What about you, Pettigrew? Are you older than James, too?"

"No. I turned eleven day before school started."

Remus blinked. "You did?"

"Yeah."

"Wow... congratulations." Even though Peter hadn't told them, Remus felt bad for missing his birthday. "Why didn't you say something?"

"My family doesn't celebrate birthdays... I suppose I just forgot."

"Why doesn't your family celebrate birthdays?" asked James, wrinkling his nose. "My birthday is always a huge deal in my house. My parents go all out... invite my whole family, loads of presents, decorate..." He gesticulated wildly, trying to convey the brilliance of his birthday, and Remus' thoughts drifted away (as they were wont to do when James was chattering about something).

Remus' own birthday was always a little bit somber. He was bitten on February sixteenth, a little less than a month before his birthday. His family had entirely skipped his fifth birthday; they hadn't mentioned it at all. Remus remembered thinking that he was turning five the following March, since he was too young to understand birthdays and since no one had mentioned it. His mum had cried and told him that he was actually six, and Remus had been very confused, protesting that no, he knew how to count, five came after four...

His actual fifth birthday, March tenth, had probably been awful. The full moon had been exactly a week into the future, and his parents hadn't even thought that he would survive it. Of course they hadn't mentioned it. And now—even though Remus' life was no longer in danger—his birthday was just too close to February sixteenth, an unspoken day of mourning. February sixteenth was a quiet day, a cursed day: no one in his family mentioned it or acknowledged it; Remus stayed in his room all day, except for silent meals with half-hearted conversation, his mother looked weepy and teary all day, his father's eyebrows were always furrowed. By the time Remus' birthday rolled around, both Remus and his parents couldn't help but remember what had happened years ago.

Presents were exchanged, birthday cards were bought. But the day was quieter, more sullen. And the lack of well wishes from extended family only reminded Remus and his father of the relatives that had permanently cut ties with them because of Remus' affliction. All in all, Remus didn't like his birthday very much... but was hopeful that it would be a more joyous occasion at Hogwarts rather than at home.

"My birthday is celebrated as pompously as possible," Sirius said, pulling Remus back to the present. "There's a stuffy supper and Mum telling me what a disappointment I am. I get presents, sure, but they're all dress robes and monogrammed parchment. And everything's green!"

"Mum thinks that birthdays are nothing more than a participation award," said Peter. "She says that she won't spend any money on something that we didn't earn. She was a Slytherin, herself—pretty ambitious. Says we need to earn our own way in the world. We celebrate other things, of course. Just not birthdays."

"Well, that's just silly," declared James. "Everyone should have a day to celebrate themselves, whether they did anything to deserve it or not. In two days, we are going to have a party for you, Peter, complete with gifts and extravaganzas, whether you like it or not."

"Oh, thank you!" Peter gushed, surprised at James' kindness. "Thank you so much!"

"Why two days?" asked Sirius. "Why not tomorrow?"

"I need to write home for some gifts," James explained. "And decorations. I assume you like the color red? Of course you do. Red and gold. The best colors in the universe."

"Don't you know it!" said Sirius. "Oi, Remus, put down that cheese sandwich. The chicken is brilliant, and you haven't tried it yet at all."

"Er," said Remus. He'd been wondering when this would come up. "I'm a vegetarian, actually."

"You're what?" James dropped his fork.

"Vegetarian. I don't eat meat."

"I know what it means. Why? Why would you do that? I can't imagine a life without bacon, and steak, and chicken..." James swooned, and Remus rolled his eyes.

"It's not a big deal. I just... like animals, that's all." The truth was, Remus had enough meat cravings one night a month to last him a lifetime. He hated werewolves and everything that came with them, and the preference for rare steak and other meat was certainly werewolf-ish. If he could avoid it, he would... and, though the smell of meat around the full moon was enticing, he felt disgusted with himself for thinking so.

"I like animals, too," said Sirius, taking a bite of his chicken. "They're delicious."

Remus snorted. "Don't blame me when all the animals that you've killed confront you in wizard heaven and torment you for the rest of your days as revenge for eating their flesh."

"And I suppose you'll look on and laugh at us?"

"With joy." Remus turned to Peter. "I don't think I can write home and get you anything, Peter, but I'll make you a very nice card and help decorate." Remus did not think that his family had enough money to spare to buy Peter anything—his books and supplies had cost enough that he figured his family would be a bit tight for months. Even though Remus' parents hated it when he worried about money, Remus couldn't help but feeling a bit guilty.

"You don't have to!" said Peter, his face aglow. "Wow. I can't believe you all are doing this for me!"

"It's mostly James," said Sirius, "but yeah, you're our friend. And I want a killer party from you lot next month, so I might as well build up some karma."

Peter looked as if he were about to combust of happiness.

"Anyway!" Sirius said jovially. "You know what this means: I'm the oldest! 'Cos you're only eleven, aren't you, Pettigrew?"

Peter nodded, still overjoyed.

"By... what... a few months?" said James. "Remus isn't that far behind you."

"And I'm a lot more mature than you, too," Remus jested.

"Shut up."

Remus retired to the common room shortly after supper and got a start on his Potions essay. It was nice and quiet, seeing as James, Sirius, and Peter were out flying. Remus wondered if James ever stopped flying.

Lily came into the common room and sat on the chair next to Remus; Remus smiled at her and put down his essay. Lily was always fun to talk to. "I hear you met Moaning Myrtle," she said. "You're one of the unfortunate few boys who have."

"You've met her?" said Remus.

"Yeah, of course. Every so often a girl walks into that loo because we forget who's in there. The Prefects told us about Moaning Myrtle, but we don't always remember until it's too late. She said... you rejected her?"

Remus stifled a laugh. "She actually fancied me."

"Not surprised," said Lily. "She fancies most everyone. Permanently stuck in the teenage girl phase, you know. Hormones and all that."

That certainly made Remus feel better. "I hope she moves on, then. I'm not interested in dating a ghost."

"Are you interested in doing a little schoolwork?"

"Always."

Lily pulled out her books and notes, and then she and Remus quizzed each other for the next hour and a half on every subject possible. It was a lot of fun to revise with a friend, Remus thought. As much as he loved Peter, poor Peter wasn't quite on the same level as he was. He and Lily were both of similar intelligence—Lily was good at the practical questions, and Remus was good at memorization—so they worked together very well and got a lot done.

"What do you think of Questus?" Lily asked once they had studied themselves to bits.

"You're obsessed with the man."

"I'm obsessed with anyone who puts me in detention for no reason whatsoever! And he kept you after class for that comment, too! It wasn't even that rude!"

"I actually like him, Lily. He's a little harsh, yeah, but he speaks his mind and he was... willing to get me caught up when I missed class. He invited me over for tea the other day when he found me wandering in the corridor..."

"Wandering in the corridor? When was this?"

"I got a little... freaked out when Peter and James wanted to declare their undying friendship to me. I'd never had a friend before, not really. So I left." Remus was glad that he could disclose the details of the incident without mentioning anything about werewolves, even though the event in itself was quite embarrassing. "You probably shouldn't tell anyone. I'm rather mortified about the whole thing."

"What did he say to you?"

"Nothing much. Just that friendship wasn't a lifelong commitment and that I was being dramatic. Knocked some sense into me."

Lily rolled her eyes. "You really need to get rid of them. They're all gits."

"They're not so bad," said Remus, feeling uncomfortable. "They're kind to the people they like."

"They were awful to Sev. Awful. You've met Sev, he's not always pleasant, but..." Lily's voice dropped to a whisper. "He's had a hard life. His dad isn't... very nice, and he doesn't know how to be kind, really."

Remus bit his lip. He knew what it was like to have a hard life... to be shaped by past events. He still suspected that he was only in Gryffindor because he was a werewolf. If he hadn't been a werewolf... how different would he have been? Would he have been a Slytherin? A Hufflepuff? Would he have been like James, all confident and fun-loving? Would he have been like Peter? Or Lily? How different would Remus' personality be without the constant weight of the next full moon and the terrible memories of the last one?

"I'll try to be kinder to him," said Remus. "I don't hate him. Not really. But he doesn't like me much and I'm not sure why. He tried to hex me the other day, you know. In Potions class. I ducked and it hit a jar. I covered for him, but it was a horrible thing to do."

Lily frowned. "I'll talk to him about it. Hexing people is sort of an ingrained instinct in Sev. He dropped a tree branch on my sister's head once." She giggled. "It was horrid, but... she deserved it. We were never really friends, my sister and I. I just hope that she'll be kinder to me when I go back home... I'm sorry. I'm rambling, aren't I?"

"I do it all the time," chuckled Remus. "And don't mention it to Snape, please. Water under the bridge."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive. No harm done."

"Weren't you poisoned?"

"A little poison never hurt anyone."

Lily giggled. "Right. I have a question, though..."

"Go ahead."

"If your friends keep being so mean to Severus, I can't be friends with you," she said. "He was my first friend, and my loyalty lies with him. So either you have to stop being my friend or their friend... I need you to choose instead of just bouncing between us. Sev isn't comfortable with me hanging out with one of his bullies. So choose: them or me?"

Remus froze. "I don't like this question," he mumbled, and Lily smirked. "May I... think about it?"

"Sure."

Remus thought about it. On one hand, the Marauders had sworn a pact of friendship. James had shared a secret with them, and Remus felt a solidarity in secrets. He felt so at home trading jokes with them and ribbing Sirius and James. Peter, he supposed, was his first friend at Hogwarts, and Remus felt a loyalty to him to help him with schoolwork, save him from teasing, tell him that he was clever and funny after all. They were all in his dormitory, for Pete's sake—how could he avoid them? Even if he wanted to? Remus remembered with a pang all the times that James had woken up in the middle of the night, hearing Remus' heavy breathing after a nightmare and asking him if he was okay. He remembered Peter's upcoming "birthday" and James' insistence on getting him gifts and throwing a party. He thought of Sirius' hatred towards his own family, thought of his laughter when Remus made a joke... their secret knocks... their forgiveness when Remus had abandoned them in a fit of self-loathing.

Could he trade all of that for Lily and Snape? Snape didn't even like him that much. Lily was fun to talk to, fun to do homework with, had the trademark Gryffindor courage and, like Remus, a sarcastic streak.

Lily was more likely to accept him, too: even though she had made an unsavory remark towards werewolves in Defense, she was Muggle-born and hadn't grown up with ingrained prejudices so much as Sirius, James, and Peter... And she was so kind to Snape, even though he was a little different. Perhaps Lily wouldn't care.

Remus felt a bit of hope, but then pushed it down uncomfortably. He wasn't allowed to have hope; it only hurt him. He would expect the worst. If the worst happened, then it would be just what he'd expected, and if the best happened, then Remus would be pleasantly surprised instead of disappointed. He'd made his decision.

"I'm so sorry, Lily, but they're in my dormitory. I can't just cut ties with them. They've helped me so much, and it's like you said: they were my first friends, and my loyalty lies with them. I enjoy your company very much, but they... they've forgiven me for a lot, and I owe them... everything."

Lily pursed her lips and nodded. "Fine. If that's how you feel."

"You understand, right, Lily?" Remus couldn't help the pleading tone in his voice.

"Of course." Lily's tone was snippy, and Remus felt his heart melt inside of him. This is fine, he told himself. She'll abandon you when she finds out anyway. It's better this way. But no matter how many times he repeated it, he couldn't make himself believe it.

"I'm so sorry. I'll talk to them about... about Severus," he said, daring to use Snape's given name. "I don't approve of bullying, either. But that's just how they are..."

"Yes. That's just how they are. They're gits, Remus. You don't want to be friends with them. But..." Lily sighed. "I don't want to choose, either. Perhaps we can be... not friends, but acquaintances. And if you ever get them to stop teasing Severus, then we can pick up where we left off. You're a good friend, Remus, you just have bad taste in mates."

"I'm all right with being your acquaintance," said Remus. "Maybe we can just study together sometimes."

"With a group, maybe. Not just the two of us. You're clever, Lupin."

"Thank you, Evans."

"And of course we can sit next to each other in Defense. Quiz each other, brave Questus, and all that."

"Sounds good to me."

"I'll see you then." Lily Evans stood up and stalked off, and Remus waited until her scent had faded from the room (Snape was right, it was very flowery). As soon as he was certain that he was alone, he fell back on the couch and stared at the ceiling like his life depended on it.

Every time he moved, he could nearly feel his heart slosh around inside of his chest like melted butter. He hated losing friends, and this was his first time experiencing that pain.

And because of the stupid curse that had been bestowed upon him on February sixteenth, six and a half years ago, he was doomed to lose a lot more.

Remus awoke that night in a pool of his own sweat. He could almost feel the teeth and claws. He sat up with a slight groan and heard James' breathing change as he woke up.

"All right, Rem?"

"Fine. Nightmare."

"Your mum again?"

"Yes. Don't want to talk about it." He, of course, had been dreaming about Greyback... the attack was different every time he dreamed about it, but the ending was always the same. This time, he was eating supper with Evans and Snape before the werewolf burst through his window... Evans had looked at him with disgust, Snape had been trying to get Remus' blood off of her robes... Altogether much too graphic and violent a dream for Remus' taste. But no one ever asked him, did they?

"Well, since you're up..." James plodded out of bed and pulled Remus' curtains back, taking a seat next to him on his bed. "Merlin's beard, mate, you're all sweaty."

"You would be, too, if you watched your mother die before your very eyes."

"Thought you didn't want to talk about it."

"I don't. What did you come here for?"

"Well, Pete's birthday party is day after tomorrow. I think we should plan."

"Won't we wake Sirius and Peter?"

"No. I'm telling you, they sleep like rocks. So, I wrote home for decorations... what presents do you think he'd like?"

Remus did not know. "I'm not getting him a present," he said. "I haven't really thought about it."

"Right," said James, "Because you're dirt poor, I know. But I have money..."

"What—how—what? How did you know that... that I haven't got...? I don't think I told you!"

"Not explicitly, but it's obvious. Your jumpers are all holey and your robes are too big. And you're nicer to Peter than all of us combined—why else wouldn't you get him a gift? It's fine. I have enough money for the both of us to get him one."

"someone in your family invented Sleekeazy's, didn't he? That hair potion? I read about it somewhere."

"Yeah," said James. "Raked in a fortune."

"You don't use it, do you?"

"Of course not. I look cool with my hair all mussed, don't I?"

"Well..."

"Shut up, of course I do. Now, should we go with red and yellow or red and gold? Red and gold, right? And what about..."

The next hour was spent fervently planning Peter's party. James hadn't cared that the Lupins did not have much money. He was willing to spend extra money on Peter just so that Remus could feel like he had helped. He was willing to get out of bed in the middle of the night to distract Remus from his nightmares. He didn't press the matter when Remus said that he didn't want to talk about it.

When James fell asleep in the middle of a sentence, resting his head on Remus' bedpost and drooling slightly, Remus thought through heavy eyes that he had indeed made the right decision. He had liked Evans very much, but no one could compare with the messy-haired arrogant git that was James Potter.

AN: Once my friends threw me a birthday party. Unfortunately, it was in the middle of class. We were shut down rather quickly.