Chapter 31: Gnomes are Scarier than Werewolves

"I think that, as the Marauders, we need to do our duty to the school," James announced one Saturday afternoon.

Remus looked up from his book. "What's our duty, then, besides being good students?"

"Mischief. Duh. The Marauders are not good students."

"Tell that to the perfect score that you achieved on your Transfiguration test."

"Shut up. The point is, Halloween's coming up. And we need to do something big."

"Like what?" asked Peter, clearly excited.

"Like a Prank," said Sirius, and Remus could almost hear the capitalized P.

"Don't let's single someone out this time," said Remus, thinking of the boy that James had hexed and Snape's face at breakfast after the Dungbomb. He guiltily remembered that he had still not fulfilled his promise to Evans to ask his friends to stop bullying Snape. But... no, it wasn't a good time. He'd do it later.

"Of course not," said James. "We're going to prank loads of people. Do something big. Maybe to the teachers, or to the whole school. Something new. Any ideas, Remus?"

Remus snapped his fingers. "Actually, yes. I think that you three should behave for once. That would certainly be new." Sirius chucked a pillow at Remus' head, but it was the fourth time that week, so Remus dodged it expertly. He could add that to his list of useless talents: a large repertoire of memorized poetry, a little Latin, turning into a murderous beast every month, and dodging pillows.

"I have one," said Peter. "Let's decorate the Great Hall again. With Halloween-y decorations and things."

"Something new, Pettigrew. Or did you not hear me? We already did that."

"I think decorating is a good idea," said Remus. It wasn't likely to hurt anyone, at least.

"Or we could scare the students something awful," said Sirius. "We'll make them think that there are a bunch of... I dunno, werewolves or vampires in the school. Poor things will be terrified."

Remus' heart started to pound, and he was thankful that the other Marauders did not possess his enhanced senses—otherwise they would have heard it clear as day. "Halloween's not a full moon this year," he said. "No one would be fooled."

"The fact that you know the phases of the moon off the top of your head astounds me," said James, and Remus panicked. He had forgotten that not everybody marked down the days on the calendar, counted the hours until the next full moon, and found themselves acutely aware of the moon's phase on any given day. He'd forgotten that not everybody could feel the moon phase in his very bones like he could. Remus, whether he knew the date or not, always knew how many days it was until the next full moon. It was instinct: he just knew.

"Stop looking so nervous. S'alright, mate. We know you're a fountain of useless knowledge at this point," said Sirius.

Remus nodded. "Yes, that's me. Useless knowledge. Fountain. Right. Anyway, I think that we should decorate, like Pete said. Do you really want Halloween to be spoiled by detentions?"

"Suppose not," said James, "but decorating will get us a detention, too. And Halloween is all about scaring people."

"That's why we should build it up gradually," said Remus, an idea forming. "We'll start with something small. Next Halloween, it'll be bigger... and then bigger... and then bigger... and then seventh year, we..."

"Do something huge!" said Peter.

"No. We don't do anything at all seventh year. We'll do it like I said: be uncharacteristically good. Now that would be scary. Teachers would be sweating all over the place for no reason."

"That's funny, but not very satisfying," said Sirius. "Halloween's got to be showy and scary. We should work our way up, like you said."

James' eyes suddenly lit up. "Dumbledore's office!"

"Dumbledore's... what about it?"

"Remus has the password because of his mum. We could go in and decorate it! We could do a different teacher's office every year!"

"I like it," said Sirius. "It's annoying, it could be scary, it gets on the staff's nerves and establishes us as troublemakers. We could decorate the door-frame around it, too, so that everyone would know which teacher we picked."

"Running gags are the best," chuckled James, now practically bouncing with excitement. "How do we get in there without him seeing?"

"Distractions," said Sirius. "Pete. You're the worst at magic, you can distract him." That was very blunt, Remus thought, and not very nice at all.

"Peter's not the worst at magic," Remus argued. "He's better at Transfiguration than I am."

"Rubbish," said Sirius airily. "You just have bad nerves, Remus. When it's just us then you'll be great."

"But Peter's not bad at magic," Remus continued to protest.

James ran a hand through his hair. "Are you offering to do the distracting, Remus?"

Remus thought about it. He did not want to call more attention to himself, and he doubted that Dumbledore would want to talk to him about anything outside the privacy of his office. "No."

"Right, then. Pete, you're up. Don't let us down." said James.

Peter seemed as if he did not even notice Sirius' earlier insult. "I won't," he said fervently. "I promise."

"The plan's no good, though!" said Remus. "Dumbledore's clever. I've spent some time with him on account of my mum. He knows when someone is lying; he can read people like a book. If we do it on Halloween, then he'll know that something's up. Maybe we need to do it a little earlier, and then Disillusion it all. Then all we need to do is set it off on Halloween..."

"If you think that'll work," said Sirius. "It's pretty clever, actually."

Remus was not as talented as Sirius and James, but he certainly knew how people's minds worked. He had spent too much time amongst books and read things from a lot of different points of views. He did not understand confidence, but he understood people.

And he knew for a fact that his plan would not work at all.

There was no way that Dumbledore wouldn't notice Disillusioned decorations in his office. But Remus sort of wanted him to figure it out and quietly get rid of it all... Remus didn't want to stand out amongst his fellow students, after all, and being one of the four who decorated Dumbledore's office might put him in the spotlight. Dumbledore would notice, and he wouldn't actually leave the decorations up, would he? "Thank you," said Remus. "You should listen to me more often." Bufo, who was on his shoulder, croaked in agreement.

"Absolutely not," said James. "We'd never have any fun. Although I might listen to Bufo; he's probably a barrel of laughs. Now someone get me a spare bit of parchment! It's time to plan!"

Sirius groaned. "I hate this bit." James' eyes, however, were bright and wide as he sketched and schemed. And that's how Remus spent the rest of the evening—watching James plan and laughing with his friends. It was nice to be able to joke and plot with people who liked him for him, without the werewolf factor worked into the equation. And, as long as it was harmless, Remus found that he definitely had a penchant for mischief.

Now he almost hoped that the prank would work, even if it did put him in the spotlight.

After all... James would probably hog it all anyway.

A few days passed, and soon Halloween preparations were the only thing on the Marauders' minds. "Pssst! Remus! What are you dressing up as?" asked James in their next History of Magic class. "Please be something scary!"

"You should be a vampire for Halloween," Sirius told Remus during Transfiguration. "You're certainly pale enough for it."

"Be a millipede," said Peter during Flying class. "They're scary."

"I'm thinking of going as McGonagall," James said during Potions. "She's terrifying."

"Peter, you should be a Red Cap," said Sirius during Astronomy. "You're plump enough for it."

"Be your mum," said James to Sirius. "She's very scary. Ugly, too." That earned a few snickers from Sirius.

"We can go as Slytherins," said Peter. "They're scary."

Sirius shuddered in revulsion. "Too scary for me, mate."

They kept at it for ages. Remus began to think that it would never end.

The four of them were sitting in the common room one lazy Sunday when James wore down Remus' last nerve. "You should go as a werewolf," he said. He'd mentioned a lot of other magical creatures, so Remus wasn't surprised that werewolves came up—the token dangerous creature, the stereotypical Dark animal... but really. That was the last straw. Remus was going to end this once and for all: after all, he did not want to discuss werewolves with his friends.

"I'm going as something even scarier and uglier," said Remus.

"A banshee?"

"A hinkypunk?"

"A garden gnome?"

Remus paused to bask in the fact that Peter thought that garden gnomes were scarier and uglier than werewolves. "No. I'm going as James."

"You're going... as... me?"

"Yes. You've been pestering me all week; serves you right."

James whipped out his wand and shot some sparks at Remus, but Remus saw it coming and sent back a few of his own. Before they knew it, Sirius and Peter had joined in, and now they were Levitating couch cushions and tackling each other in playful faux anger.

"First you name Sirius' owl after me, and now this?"

"You were annoying me!"

"Scarier and uglier than a werewolf? You're scarier and uglier than a werewolf!"

Remus started to laugh, and he was thankful that everyone was giggling too much to notice why. He surprised himself by his own laughter, actually—he'd have never thought that this was funny a few short months earlier. "Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not times infinity!"

"Are too times infinity plus one!"

Remus took a breath in to say "am not times infinity plus one plus a cherry on top," but caught the scent of someone coming towards the common room instead. He heard footsteps. "Someone's coming," he said, and he hastily started Levitating everything back into place.

Sirius and James helped; Peter tried to do it by hand. Before they could finish, Ray Puttle—Gryffindor Prefect—came stalking into the room. "What's going on in here?" he asked.

"It wasn't us," Sirius said quickly. "It was already like this."

Puttle did not look convinced. "So you're just cleaning the common room out of the goodness of your hearts?"

"Yep," said James, and Peter nodded vigorously.

"Lupin. You're the responsible one. Was it like this when you got here?"

"From the looks of it, sir," Remus said, "it's been like this for at least a half-hour."

Puttle puffed up a bit at being called sir, which probably helped their case a bit. Remus wasn't lying, either: their antics had begun about a half-hour ago.

"Well. I don't trust them, but I trust you. Off to bed, now—I'll get the rest cleared up. I am a Prefect, after all."

"Thank you very much, sir," said James mockingly.

"Oh, don't. It's charming when Lupin does it, but it's annoying coming from you."

The Marauders, having escaped trouble without so much as a scratch, scampered up to their dormitory, Knocking on the door-frame religiously before they entered.

"Remus Lupin," announced Sirius. "Not only did you get us out of trouble and get Puttle off our tails, but you also convinced him to clean up after us. And you did it without lying. I admire you so much that..."

Remus sensed something awful coming.

"...that I'm going to dress up as you for Halloween."

"Oh, no."

James laughed. "I call being Sirius!"

"You can't be Sirius," said Remus. "Then Peter doesn't have anyone to dress up as. You can be Peter. Peter can be Sirius."

"What about I be you, then, and Sirius can be Peter?"

"I don't want to be Peter!" said Sirius. "I want to be Remus or James."

"How about I be Peter, and Sirius can be James and James can be Sirius?" suggested Remus.

Sirius shook his head. "No, you're going as James. It's already been decided," he said. "You're James. I'm you. James is Peter. Peter is me. It's perfect! I know a few appearance-altering charms. We can confuse people all day!"

All of the sudden, Remus was actually looking forward to Halloween.

Unfortunately, the next Astronomy class came before Halloween did, and there were a couple of problems. Astronomy was outside, and Remus hated being out in the cold with his aching bones that shifted shapes every month and his wounds that stung in the chilly night air. It didn't help that he had to climb what seemed like hundreds of stairs in order to reach the Astronomy Tower.

"All right, Remus?" asked James when they were about a quarter of the way up the stairs. He must have heard Remus' heavy breathing.

"Fine. Just tired is all."

"Why? You didn't have any nightmares last night."

"Nightmares?" asked Peter. "Remus is having nightmares?"

"Yeah," said James. "You idiot. Nearly every night. Bad ones, too. Some friend you are."

Remus was horrified. "James! That's not very nice! It's fine, Peter. Talked to the matron about it; she said that they'll go away with time and all that. And James, just because you're a light sleeper and hear my breathing patterns change doesn't mean we all do." He wanted to shout at James for telling Madam Pomfrey about his nightmares without his permission, but he didn't want to get into an honest-to-goodness argument.

"She said what?" James' face was absolutely livid. "I'm from a wizarding family! There are plenty of things you can do for nightmares—spells, potions, the works! How could she say that? And it's not just your breathing patterns that change, you whimper and sob in your sleep. You've even woken Sirius, and he sleeps like the dead. I'm going to march right over there and give Pomfrey a piece of my mind..."

"No!" Remus thought quickly. "You can't. She did offer me more, I just didn't want to take it."

"Why not?" James was turning bright red now, and Remus was a little scared.

"Uh, my mum. She takes a bunch of potions and spells and things for sleeping. It's stupid, but it reminds me too much of her and I... can't explain it. I don't even know. I just don't feel... I couldn't. Not after what she's been through." Remus had no idea what he was saying. It didn't make any sense whatsoever. "You wouldn't understand."

"Fair enough, mate," said Sirius. "We don't have ill mums. Lay off, James. I know you hate seeing your friends suffer, but sometimes it can't be helped. There are things we just have to soldier through. Right, Remus? Tragic backstory buddy?"

Remus smiled and nodded, relieved. "Tragic backstory buddy," he affirmed. Another near miss.

He didn't actually know why he wasn't taking the potions; it would be so easy. It was partially because he didn't want the school to spend any more money on him than they already were. His family were always a bit short on money, and Remus felt a little ill whenever he thought of all the money that was going into his potions and dressings and things. Besides, Remus wasn't fond of any sort of mind-altering potion after what he went through every month. He liked his regular old human mind, thank you very much. Part of it, too, was the obstinate desire to be independent. He could get through this. Greyback shouldn't have as much power of his life as he already did, and Remus was not—no matter what James said—a fragile china doll.

"Evening, Potter, Black, and Pettigrew," said Sidus as they arrived. Remus noticed that Sidus had not greeted him, but he wasn't offended. "Take your spots and focus your telescope on... the moon, please." Sidus looked at Remus out of the corner of his eye, rather flustered.

Remus' heart skipped a beat. If they were studying the moon, then people would notice. They would be able to tell. They would see that the moon had been full not too long ago, and that it would be full in a few weeks, and that Remus was missing whenever it was...

He focused his telescope with only a few fumbles, and there it was—the moon in all its glory. A waning gibbous: Remus' favorite moon phase. It was a clear night, so it was pale and white and probably the same shade as Remus' face, which felt cold and clammy.

It was hard to believe that this was what caused Remus so much pain every month. Looking at it reminded him of all the hours spent staring at the sky, praying that the moon wouldn't rise—just this once—but seeing it climb higher in the sky, dreading its rising with all his heart, and then his limbs crawling within him and twisting and bending and the pain...

He dropped his star chart, and the soft clink on the stone floor made him flinch. He had almost forgotten that he was in class. He focused on Sidus' voice and resolved to study the celestial body with pure academic focus. He could do that.

"Today we will be starting our unit on moons. I thought that it would be best to look at Earth's moon first so as to get an idea of what we're dealing with. This is easiest on the full moon, of course, so your homework is to sketch the full moon for me next time it comes around. That would be November second. Make sure to pay attention to every crevice and crater. We'll be doing this every month, just to make sure that we recognize the differences between full moons depending on the month and season. Now, who can tell me something about the moon?"

Remus tentatively raised his hand. Academic focus, he reminded himself.

"Lupin?" Sidus looked a little surprised that Remus had participated, and Remus was a bit surprised himself.

"About the word moon itself... it's of Germanic origin. The English word month comes from the same origin, seeing as every moon cycle occurs about once a month... not always, though. Like on blue moons."

"Right, yes," said Sidus. "Do you know when the next blue moon is, Lupin?"

"December." Remus dearly hoped that his classmates had not noticed the waver in his voice.

From the looks of it, Sidus certainly did, but he mercifully moved on. "Correct. Who else can tell me something about the moon? Black?"

"It's made of cheese."

"I get that answer every year. No. Potter?"

"It's green."

"No. Pettigrew?"

"There's a man in it."

Sirius and James tried to high-five him, but Peter did not have the dexterity to high-five two people at once and ended up getting slapped in the face.

"No. Anyone else?"

Remus passively listened to the lesson, fixing his eyes once more on the slowly waning moon.

"Lupin," said Sidus, drawing Remus out of his thoughts. "Stay after, if you would."

"Why?" asked James quickly. "He's already talking to Dumbledore about his mum, and he doesn't like to discuss it."

Remus noticed that James had been oddly protective of him recently. He wasn't sure whether to be touched or annoyed... no, there was no speculation about it. Remus was very, very, very annoyed.

Sidus' face remained passive. "He's been doing very well in my class, unlike you two, and I want to discuss his future in the subject."

"We'll stay," said Sirius. "I'm named after a star. Maybe I have a future in the subject."

"You absolutely do not," said Sidus, and James punched Sirius in the shoulder. Thirty seconds later, Remus' friends were gone—and, judging from the surprised shriek, someone had fallen down the stairs. Either Remus' friends had fallen themselves or pushed another innocent student. Either was likely.

Sidus cleared his throat; he was clearly uncomfortable. That was okay. So was Remus. "I wanted to discuss..."

"The homework," said Remus.

"Yes. I just wanted to tell you that you're exempt." Sidus' fingers were shaking slightly, and Remus felt awful. He was so afraid of Remus that he could not have a normal conversation with him. Remus was filled with the sudden and somewhat stupid desire to be normal.

"No, sir, I can do the assignment," said Remus. "Can't I just look at a picture in the library and copy it down?"

"I suppose you could, although the moon changes all the time..."

"Then I'll alter my sketch as needed after the full. I can see it, you know. I just don't possess... the motor skills necessary to... erm, draw it." Remus vaguely wondered if he could pitch himself off the edge of the tower.

Sidus looked more uncomfortable than ever. "Right. Okay. I won't exempt you if you're absolutely certain."

"I am, sir," said Remus. "Thank you ever so much. And I'm dreadfully sorry." Remus didn't know what he was apologizing for. For making Sidus nervous and uncomfortable? For being such a bother? For forcing him to go out of his way? For failing to do the assignment? For spacing out during class?

Spacing out. That could be a good pun.

If it were Madam Pomfrey, then she would tell Remus that he had nothing to be sorry for. If it were McGonagall, then she'd probably apologize back. If it were Dumbledore, then he would... well, Remus never knew what to expect with him. If it were Questus, then he would tell Remus that he shouldn't apologize if he didn't mean it.

But it was Sidus, so he merely nodded and watched Remus walk down the steps of the tower.

AN: Did you know that you can type an em dash on Windows if you hold in "alt" and then type 0151 on the number pad to the right of your computer? I didn't, and it's SO much easier than copying and pasting an em dash from Word whenever I need one! (I kept forgetting that I had something else copied and ended up pasting a random paragraph into the middle of my story.)