Title: Outcast
Summary: Love is like riding a broomstick. Some people are addicted to it and others just can't seem to get the hang of it.
Disclaimer: I own the plot, which makes me very happy.
A/N: I hope you'll all join me in a very loud HAPPY BIRTHDAY to quidditch7! She had her birthday on the 17th. And, seeing as she always manages to find time for me, this was the least I could do :)
Hermione slammed the portraithole shut with a bang. The few people present in the Common Room – which included Harry and Ginny – looked up startled. She almost ran towards them, a furious look on her face.
"You knew, didn't you? Didn't you? God...I should have known there was a reason why you were so nice to me all of a sudden... I can't believe he didn't tell me! Where is Ron?"
"Hermione, calm down..."
Ginny got up and tried to steer the brunette away from the crowd that was listening in on them. Hermione pulled her arm back at once.
"Don't you tell me to calm down Ginny Weasley! Harry, shut up."
She added as soon as she noticed Harry was about to back up his girlfriend.
"Where is Ron?"
She repeated angrily before shouting:
"Don't you think it would have been nice to tell me? You don't know how much it hurt – knowing that I ruined your lives! Do you really hate me so much that you wanted to keep me miserable?"
She felt tears appearing in her eyes.
I'm not going to cry. They won't see me cry! They don't deserve the satisfaction of having me brought to tears.
"We know, Hermione."
Harry said gently.
"You don't know anything!"
"Ron's told us..."
Ginny added quietly.
Hermione looked at her two former friends. What were they talking about? Suddenly a suspicion rose to her head.
No...
She thought to herself,
Ron wouldn't do that.
Wouldn't he?
Another voice added bitterly.
Ron's my friend. He wouldn't betray my trust like that.
Really? He doesn't want to be your friend Hermione. No one does. They only feel sorry for you.
The voice said maliciously.
NO!
She looked around frantically, trying to find a way out, but there was no escaping her thoughts. They had been haunting her for a while now. Every time she allowed herself to think of a better future (perhaps one with Ron?) that voice entered her head and poisoned her mind. Her cutting nowadays was not so much a relief as a means to drown out that voice. If she cut hard enough, deep enough, maybe that voice would finally shut up.
She knew that the voice was right. She had no friends. Ron did not want to be her friend and neither did Harry and Ginny. They only felt sorry for her. First, because of the memorycharm Lavender had put on her. Now, because they knew.
How could he? How could he tell them and betray her like that? He should have known that it was a secret! He should have known that she would never be able to face them again. She couldn't handle this. Couldn't handle the pity in their eyes. The disappointment. It made her want to hurt herself, not like before, but in a way more final way.
Luckily, she always carried a razor around nowadays. As she ran out the Common Room, trying to find a place where she could be alone, she was already craving the final release. No more sorrow. No more pain. No more having to see them everyday wishing that everything would just stop. Why had she thought she could handle this? Why had she tried for so long? She should have done this ages ago.
"Hermione!"
He had extended his hand so quickly that she couldn't avoid him. She tried to struggle free of his grasp but he wouldn't let her. Instead he wrapped his arms firmly around her, holding her like she craved to be held once. But not now. Not like this. Not by him of all people.
"Let me go!"
She gasped, tears spilling down her cheeks.
"I can't do this anymore! I can't be here anymore! It's too much Ron...why did you have to tell them? Why did you break my trust? Do you really hate me that much? Were you trying to destroy that shell of a life I still had left? Well you did...it worked."
"I don't hate you..."
He said softly, his eyes too brimming with tears. Why was he crying? She wondered as she kept looking into those beautiful orbs. She couldn't tear her gaze from him, no matter how much she struggled to. Her body had gone limp in his arms, she noticed. She was so tired of fighting. It didn't even matter anymore. Death was just in her reach, and a few more minutes wouldn't hurt.
"I love you..."
He stated simply.
"I don't want you to do anything stupid...that's why I want to keep an eye on you. Harry and Ginny...they wouldn't understand if I hadn't told them. I was only trying to look after you."
"You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved Ron."
She said very quietly, before adding, with a slightly less wavering voice:
"You did the one thing that made it worse. You told people my secret. I won't ever be able to face them now. You left me no choice."
"No..."
He whispered disbelievingly.
"No...don't say those things Hermione...don't stop me from saving you...you can hate me afterwards but please don't give up. I don't think I could handle that..."
"So I have to live on just for your sake?"
Her words were bitter and he shook his head.
"No. But...you don't want this. Not really. You would have done it earlier on if you really meant it. Way back when we all still hated you. You can't give up now. Not when you've got a future again."
"What future do I have Ron?"
She said disheartened.
"It's all destroyed. You're right, I should have done this ages ago."
"That's not what I said. That's not what I meant either. You do have a future 'Mione. You just have to open your eyes for it. I want to help you do that."
She shook her head sadly.
"I don't think you can Ron. I don't think me being with you will help. You were right...it is an addiction. One I can't fight."
"You can fight anything Hermione! You're the brightest witch at Hogwarts!"
"Booksmarts...they won't help me now Ron... nor will knowledge of Potions and Transfiguration. I can't just transfigure myself into someone else. And if there was a potion that made me stop feeling this pain, don't you think I would have taken that already?"
A tear slid down her cheek. He cupped her face and wiped the tear away.
"You've got me to help you now. Isn't that enough? Can't that be enough for now?"
He wished there were something he could do. Inwardly he was cursing himself for his stupid behaviour. If only he hadn't told Harry and Ginny things would be fine.
No. That wasn't true. Things weren't fine. Things wouldn't be fine for a long time. And most of it was his fault. He needed to do this for so many reasons. Not just cause she deserved it...deserved to be happy, but also because he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he gave up on her.
"I'm not giving up on you Hermione. You can't force me. I will be there for you, should you choose to accept that. The hardest thing in this world is to live in it 'Mione. Will you give up? Are you a coward? I thought you were stronger than that. In fact, I am sure you are stronger than that."
His one hand had somehow ended up holding hers. It was icy and she was trembling, though not from the cold. She stayed silent for so long that the wild and crazy thought 'maybe she's frozen' came up in his head.
"Okay"
She said with a faint voice.
"I will come to the Burrow with you."
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