London, England

December 1989

Flipping her desk calendar over from November, Sue Ellen took a sip of her coffee and sighed. A weekend in Scotland had done little to take her mind off things and now the late calendar flip only made it more real.

They didn't celebrate Thanksgiving in England, that was a uniquely American holiday. Not being surrounded by imagery, conversation, and expectations had made the occasion easier to get through, Don the only person to mention it to her in person, the rest of their friends and acquaintances too British or European to know or care.

Christmas was a much different experience. Christmas was everywhere. The sights, smells, and tastes were unique but there was enough familiarity that she was haunted by memories, knowledge that across the Atlantic the things she'd known and loved in the past were reoccurring, happening without her.

JR had John Ross for Christmas, their son having been to visit her in November, leaving just before Thanksgiving, apparently regretting it when he returned home to find he was no longer JR Ewing's eldest son.

It hurt her to think back on her marriage to JR, how he'd treated her before, during, and after their son's birth, how low he could make her feel, and for what? Neither of them had known it at the time, that he already had a son, an illegitimate one but biologically his nonetheless, at least she hoped so for all the warmth he was apparently showing James that he'd confirmed the young man was his.

James was a pain point, as was his mother, but they weren't the problem. Her son was her priority and being halfway across the world from him was difficult. JR didn't make things easy, he never had. They weren't on good enough terms that she'd feel comfortable returning to Dallas to take care of John Ross while he emotionally neglected him; they weren't on good enough terms that she'd feel comfortable suggesting John Ross return to London for Christmas; and they weren't on good enough terms that calling and coming up with a compromise was an option. She and JR communicated mostly through their lawyers now, it kept things civil and put needed distance between them, but that distance wasn't always convenient.

John Ross hadn't lived with her fulltime for years now, her departure from Southfork a necessary step in her growth, a logical one too considering how things were between her and JR. She'd never been far from John Ross however, not like she was now.

The London house was beautiful, a stunning stone building built sometime in the 1700s. There was a long history to the property but the names, dates, and significances had gone straight over her head at the time of purchase and she'd not felt it so homely that she wanted to form a connection in the subsequent months, so she remained ignorant to truly how special it was. She knew it was special however, if not just because of its location, the address earning her more than a few eyebrow raises followed by neutralised expressions whenever she said it aloud. From taxi drivers and sales assistants to the people at passport control, everyone had a reaction to her street address and regardless of occupation or class it always seemed to be the same, surprise followed by amusement followed by neutrality.

The British were odd that way, she'd experienced them be both completely emotionless and uniquely brutal in their emotions. Sometimes a short, polite sentence said a thousand extra words, none of which were verbalised, and sometimes a facial expression said even more. She'd gotten used to Don, grown to care for him, then love him, but she wasn't used to the rest of his countrymen yet and wasn't sure she ever would be.

Dallas was far from her day-to-day now, in time, distance, and culture, which made her separation from John Ross more difficult to cope with, especially when she heard the pain in his voice over the phone. Her son might need her but he wasn't a half-hour drive away, there was an ocean between them and they both knew it.

She wasn't old, barely past her fortieth birthday, but she felt like she'd lived several lifetimes already and the holidays brought out those feelings more than ever.

A Christmas at Southfork in the early years of her marriage to JR had included annual holiday parties, coming together to decorate the tree, watching for the first snow, if any, a rare but enjoyable venture into the kitchen to bake, and spending time in a lively, happy home, problems at the office set aside for a little while.

A Christmas at Southfork in the later years of her marriage to JR had been tenser, with less of a warm glow cast over their lives, holiday cheer unable to cover up the cracks in their relationship or bring everyone together. Christmases at Southfork after she and JR split, several times over, were much of the same, but even those had had their charm.

Now, what a Christmas at Southfork looked and felt like was a mystery to her although she guessed it was nothing like the years she was nostalgic for. With different occupants, different family dynamics, and different experiences coming together she could only imagine the magic she'd once felt at Southfork wouldn't be there even if she turned up looking for it.

When she'd first married JR, Jock and Miss Ellie had been the patriarch and matriarch of Southfork, they'd raised a family on the ranch and had brought and created traditions which carried on. Clayton had later joined the family but it wasn't the same, and since Jock's loss holidays didn't really feel settled. She and JR had never really been in line to carry on the ways of the Ewing family, their marriage not strong enough or respectful enough of each other or history to take the care needed to maintain customs. With Pam gone now, Bobby unsettled, and Lucy simply not the type to put effort into maintaining order, the golden years of Southfork were beyond them.

Christmas was everywhere and it was unavoidable, even in her home. Looking out the window, she could see tasteful decorations had appeared since their weekend away, and she knew from the taxi ride from the airport back home that the city had no shortage of festive lights.

Had times been different, had she been different, she could see herself loving the holiday atmosphere London had, but as it was now, the surface similarities mostly just made her feel melancholy.

She missed what Christmas could and had represented in the past. She missed what she'd had, and her heart ached at the idea that it would be a long time, if ever, before a large family Christmas was an occurrence in her life again. Don was an only child with no living parents, her mother was no joy to be around, John Ross had the Ewings, and she'd made only acquaintances during her time abroad, not friends. She was lonely. London was home to more than six million people and she knew less than a handful well enough to want to invite them over for dinner.

Starting over was never easy, but this time it was difficult, and at this time of year she was reminded of all that she'd had and lost.

"Love? Are you down here?"

Jumping at the sound of Don's voice, her response was automatic, a chipper tone hiding how she really felt.

"In the study."

Hearing the steps getting closer, she took a deep breath and smiled, putting on a show as to not ruin his day.

"There you are. Ready now?"

Appearing in the doorway, his question was hurried, as if he had somewhere to be, which she now remembered they did. They had a gorgeous home and had to pay for it somehow, and films were his business.

"Let me get my purse and we can go."

Nodding, a smile plastered on her face, she stood, kissed him and then walked past him, upstairs to their bedroom. As the saying went, the show must go on.

The end