Author's Notes: Almost done.......Ah! There we go! So, what do you guys think?

Skunk: (Looking in mirror) Hmmm.....you really brought out the color of my eyes!

Lamp: Hey! How come Skunk gets a bow in his hair?

Skunk: Because I Have hair.

Lamp: Shut up! You don't know me! (Runs off crying)

Skunk: (Watching Lamp run off) Might I add that unlike Lamp, I don't run like a pansey.

Lamp: (From other room) Shut up!

Skunk: Heh, heh....I love that little, bald man. ^ ^

Author: So Skunk, you ready for your big debut?

Skunk: Oh God, YES!!!

Author: (0_o).........

Skunk: What?

Author: ..........

Skunk: What!?

Author: (To readers) Enjoy another chapter of Call Me Kenichi!

Skunk: Hey c'mon....what'd I say?

Author: ......nothing.

Skunk: But I.......

Author: Yeah, okay....just shut up....




Disclaimer: My....my eyes....I'M BLIND!!!






Call Me Kenichi




Have a nice, warm glass of Shut the hell up'
For Stagsleap






Part 1





It is a normal morning in the President's mansion. Lamp is stacking pens, note pads and pencils to form a barrier around his desk, President Boon is sitting behind his desk, in his underwear (resume burning your eyes with acid now) eating Fruitloops, and Skunk is in the middle of reading a very erotic French novel about two lesbian, naked nine year olds who are married. Yup, just a normal day.

Lamp: (Has just finished stacking his barrier for the third time this morning, and now resumes talking into his watch) Papa falcon, come in papa falcon, this is mama bird reporting from the nest. We have the enemy in full range (aims a water pistol at Skunk) now attempting elimination in 3, 2, 1....(shoots pistol)

Skunk: (Gets hit in the face with a stream of water) G%^&UKHRT!!!

Lamp: Bulls eye!

Skunk: IMA KILL YOU!!! (Throws his book at Lamp's head but soon realizes that was a big mistake considering it was erotic, it was French, and it was about two naked, lesbian nine year olds who are married)

Lamp: (Gets hit in the head with Skunk's book) Ow! Hey, what's this? (Looks at book) Hey, porn!

Skunk: (Grabs book away) Humph.... What I read is none of your business!

Lamp: Of course it's my business. How else can I blackmail you?

Boon: He's got ya there, Skunk.

Skunk: Shut up! The both of you!

Lamp: What-ever! (gives loser sign) Hmmm....(Looks around until he spots a bird perched on an open window) Code Blue! Code Blue! We've got an intruder in the house! (Throws water pistol at bird's face)

Boon: Damn it Lamp! Do you have nothing better to do with your time than torture innocent animals?

Lamp: Well, I tried lighting packets of ketchup on fire, but after a while, I just started getting pissed off at tomatoes...

Skunk: I know! I mean, they act like they run the world or something.

Lamp: I know! I mean, like, what is their problem?

Skunk: Totally...

Boon: .........What? Whatever, just stop being so immature. You're a grown man for God's sake...

Skunk: Sometimes I wonder...

Lamp: (Throws pencil at Skunk)

Skunk: Ahhh!!! That hit my eye you jerk!

Lamp: (Slumps behind desk) Auughh.....there's nothing to do....(starts flicking pen caps off desk)

Skunk: (With pencil still stuck in his eye) Hey, I got an idea. Why don't you f@#k yourself?!

Lamp: Oh, you're just mad cause you've got a pencil stuck in your eye...

Skunk: no, I'm mad because...(thinks about why he's mad)....oh yeah, you're right.....(pulls pencil out of eye)

Lamp: Hey, can I make a fort out of your bed sheets again?!

Boon: Sure, knock yourself out...

Lamp: Yay! ^ ^ (runs out of room)

Boon: No, I mean seriously, knock yourself out...

Skunk: (waves hand in front of face) Um....I think I'm blind in my right eye...

Boon: Oh, suck it in, you baby! You've got two of em'....

Skunk: Yeah, I guess you're right...(Uniform is now soaked with blood from his eye)



1 hour later



Lamp: (peeks head out from inside his fort) Good, the coast is clear...(Runs out and into living room where Boon and Skunk are still sitting)

Skunk: (Blood from his eye has now leaked down his leg and turned his sock and pants a bright crimson color) Dear God, help me...

Lamp: What's his problem?

Boon: Ignore him. He just wants attention.

Skunk: (passes out on the couch)









Part 2



It is the next morning. Things are the same as usual, save for Skunk has got some sort of medical treatment and was sent home from the hospital early. Lamp, once again, was cleaning up his military base on his desk, while president Boon is still eating Fruiteloops in his underwear.

Lamp: *glare*

Boon: (getting uncomfortable)

Lamp: *still glaring*

Boon: What?!

Lamp: Please, PLEASE! Just put on some pants!

Boon: (with mouth full of cereal) Can't. Burned up in Laughton's lab.

Lamp: You mean to tell me those were your only pair of pants?!

Boon: *shifty eyes*

Lamp: Forget it.

Skunk: (Has half his face bandaged up) Geez Lamp, why don't you just shut up. I mean, God, you sound like such a sissy girl...

Lamp: Look who's talking, mister I can pull a pencil out of my OWN eye!

Skunk: Shut up...(crosses his arms and begins to pout)

Boon: *sigh* Well, at least today can't get any worse...

Duke Red: (starts banging on giant doors) HEEELLLOOOO?

Boon: Aw figs...

Duke Red: (Bashes through doors) OhmyGodOhmyGodOhmyGod!!! Skunk! Lamp! I have terrible news that will change your lives forever!!!

Lamp: What? You glued your hand to your face again?

Duke Red: No, I did not! (has hand glued to face) Damn it! (pulls hand off face) Listen! This is important!

Lamp: (in valley girl tone) What-ever!

Skunk: Quite! Thou treacherous fiend! (tries to jump on the table but gets his belt caught on a chair and falls backwards knocking himself out cold on the hard floor)

Duke Red: .......

Boon: ..........

Lamp: ..........

Duke Red: (kicks Skunk in his stomach)

Skunk: GGggadfgf57*^8^hggy$%UWW#77^8......(starts foaming from mouth)

Boon: He'll be fine, just give him 20 minutes...

Duke Red: So I take it this happens often?

Boon: Often?! We had to pad his whole office with damn bubble wrap!

(Span into Skunk's office which is covered from top to bottom in bubble wrap)




10 minutes pass


Duke Red: *glare*

Boon: *shift*

Duke Red: *glare*

Boon: What?!

Duke Red: Dude, just put on some pants...

Boon: (0_o)


10 more minutes pass


Skunk: *shift; stir; wakes up* Huh....wha.....? (looks down at body) Oh my God, I'm a man!

Lamp: Moron. You've always been a man...

Skunk: Of course.....*shifty eyes*

Duke Red: Ah, good. Now that you're awake I can tell you both the important news.

Lamp: Well, it better be good....

Duke Red: One of you is the father of my baby.

Lamp: .....because if not you just... WHAT?!

Skunk: Wow. That is good.

Boon: Sweet!

Lamp: Wait a minute, wait a minute! Hold up here! You're telling me that I might be the father of your child?!

Duke Red: Yup.

Lamp: .........Well that's a kick in the nuts, aint it?

Duke Red: *shrugs*

Lamp: But wait....men can't have babies, can they?

Skunk: Vicious, barbaric heathen! Does it not say in the Bible that men have the privilege to bare children?

Lamp: It does not!

Skunk: ......Well it should! If Duke Red wants to have a baby, then by God, he can have a baby!

Boon: What are you talking about?! Lamp is right, men can't bare children!

Skunk: Hmph...we'll just see about that! (runs over to Duke Red and puts his head up against the Duke's stomach)

Skunk: Hmmmmm.....weeelllll..... Ah ha! I hear movement!

Duke Red: *farts*

Skunk: Wait....it's gone.

Lamp: There, you see? He's just trying to make fools out of us.

Skunk: How dare you accuse the honest, trustworthy and courageous Duke Red as being a liar?! Why, he's the most noble of all three of us! If anything this brave man would be ashamed to lie! You two are disgusting pigs, especially you! (points to Boon in his underwear eating FruitLoops) This beautiful, honest man would never even dream of telling a lie!!!

Duke Red: Actually, I was lying.

Skunk: Oh! FINE!!! (throws hands up in the air) Make ME look like an idiot!

Lamp: Nothing short of what we see everyday...

Skunk: *glares* You're the DEVIL!!!

Lamp: Meh...(starts counting the profits he's made today buying souls from people)

Skunk: Grrrrrr.....(grabs Duke Red's hand) C'mon Red! We're leaving! (starts dragging Duke Red from the room)

Duke Red: Well...okay...(getting dragged out) See you some other time guys! (grabs a hand full of Boon's FruitLoops)

Boon: Damnit! Those are mine!

Duke Red: (stuffs face with hand full right before Skunk drags him out of the room)

Boon: ........

Lamp: ........

Boon: .......

Lamp: I'm bored.

Boon: Like I care...

Lamp: Fine....(looks around the room until he spots the same bird from the other day perched on the window) Code Blue! Code Blue! The enemy has circled back! I repeat, The enemy has circled back!!!





Part 3



Skunk took Duke Red out to sit in his car, mainly to get away from a military obsessed Lamp and an underwear wielding President Boon. After many attempts at trying to explain why half his face was bandaged up, Skunk finally thought he got the Duke to settle in and relax. They sat in the car in silence for a while, save for the occasional ka kawing.


Skunk: (Lights a cigarette; takes a long drag) Ahhhhh.....there's nothing like a relaxing cigarette after a long and stressful day at work...

Duke Red: You were only there for 20 minutes!

Skunk: Oh sure, make ME look like the lazy one!

Duke Red: You ARE the lazy one!

Skunk: I'm not lazy, I'm just.......ahhh....ummmm...ah screw it....(takes drag of his cigarette)

Duke Red: You see?! You're so lazy you can't even finish your own sentence!

Skunk: ........zzzzz......

Duke Red: (0_o)

Skunk:.........zzzz.....(gets kicked in the shin by Duke Red) Ow! Hey, what'd you do that for?!

Duke Red: *sigh* (getting bored) So, what do you want to do?

Skunk: (kinky smile) I have an idea that will pass the time....*wink, wink*

Duke Red: We're not doing that.....

Skunk: Fine, be that way...(ponders) Hey, what about...

Duke Red: Or that...

Skunk: Damnit! You're no fun...(thinks some more) You could always invite me to your place...

Duke Red: Inviting yourself somewhere, are you? You're very rude Skunk...

Skunk: Hey, I'm not rude! (burps, scratches butt, takes off pants) Ahhh.....free and easy.....

Duke Red: Put those back on!

Skunk: Humph...(puts pants back on) So, if that won't work, how bout you come over to my place?

Duke Red:........

Skunk:...........

Duke Red:..........

Skunk: *grin*

Duke Red: (kicks him)

Skunk: Ow! What the hell...?!

Duke Red: Stop doing that!

Skunk: Doing what?!

Duke Red: Everything! Everything you do is unnaturally creepy and wrong!

Skunk: *stare*

Duke Red: See?! Even now you're thinking about dropping your pen by your feet, and while I'm picking it up you can take a good, long look at my ass!

Skunk: Oh, I am not.....(drops pen)

Duke Red:..........

Skunk:..........arn't you gonna get that for me?

Duke Red: (bangs head against car horn which turns out to be a novelty bought horn that plays the Cu ka racha.)

Skunk: Heh, heh....I love that song....

Duke Red: Whatever, let's just get back to your place...

Skunk: (searches in pockets) Let me just find my keys...

Girl Scout: (comes up to Skunk's car window) Excuse me sir, would you like to buy some girl scout...

Skunk: Oh, Dear God! (sprays little girl in the face with pepper spray)

Girl Scout: (starts crying) You horrible, horrible man! (runs off screaming)

Skunk: Whew! That was a close one!

Duke Red: Close one?! That was just a little girl scout!

Skunk: She was trying to mug me!

Duke Red: She was trying to sell you cookies!

Skunk: Or so they say! If you take any advice in life Duke Red, take this: Never, EVER get involved in that little hellion cult! Cause once you buy a box of Thin Mints.....Bam! It's all over! They get your number, your address, and every year you get 50 or 60 little Satan spawns calling you...(mocking) Would you like to buy some cookies? Would you like to buy some cookies? No! I don't want to buy anymore damn cookies! They SUCK anyway! I've had it! I have too many bad memories dealing with the deadly Girl Scout.....

Flashback

Skunk: (steals a box of Thin Mints from the Girl Scouts little stand out side the supper market) Ah ha! Try to get me to join your cult will you?!

Girl Scouts: After him! He has no respect and admiration for the Girl Scouts! (All Girl Scouts morph and mold together to form one, giant mass of disgusting human flesh that begins to chase Skunk around the city)

End Flashback

Skunk:......and THAT is how Vietnam began!

Duke Red: (mouth gaped open in awe and confusion)

Skunk: Damn straight! (starts muttering something about The cult of Satan)

Duke Red: Hmph....you're just paranoid...

Skunk: I am not! (Same old lady who Atlas beat up taps on Skunks window)

Old lady: Excuse me sonny boy, but do you happen to have the ti...

Skunk: BACK TO HELL!!! (sprays old lady with pepper spray)

Old lady: My word! What a week! (passes out)

Duke Red: (shakes head in disgust) Spraying a little girl and an old lady with pepper spray....you really do have no shame left...

Skunk: (picks up a cigarette that is still burning from the ashtray) Nah...I haven't lost my shame just yet...(brings the cigarette up to his mouth but drops it still burning onto his crotch) Ah, my balls!!!(runs out of car screaming and starts packing snow onto his.....ummmmm...naughty parts while on lookers watch on in embarrassment)

5 minutes latter

Skunk: (gets back into car) Okay, NOW I've lost my shame... (finally finds keys and starts up the car)

Duke Red: Ummmm.....maybe I should drive...

Skunk: What? You don't think I can handle it?

Duke Red: Well, you did just burn your crotch with a cigarette...

Skunk: Relax, I can handle it...(starts driving car but immediately rams it into a tree)

Duke Red:...........

Skunk:............

Duke Red:............

Skunk: You wanna walk?

Duke Red:..........




Part 4

Skunk's House


Skunk and Duke Red have just finished eating dinner....which Duke Red cooked because Skunk nearly burnt the house down putting cucumbers in the salad. Hmmmmm....I wonder what they're having for dessert...?


Skunk: Wow! This is the best dessert I've ever tasted! Ummmm....what did you say it was?

Duke Red: It's just yogurt Skunk...

Skunk: Ah yes, yogurt. I'm not much for ethnic food, but this stuff is pretty good.

Duke Red: Ethnic..?



Go Fish



Duke Red: (ponders) Got any threes...?

Skunk: Damnit! Ummm....I mean....nooo.....

Duke Red: I know you have some...

Skunk: Fine, take them...(throws his cards at Duke Red which all happen to be threes)




What's the deal with airline peanuts...?


Skunk: (sitting on the couch with Duke Red, watching T.V)

Duke Red: *shifts*

Skunk: (looks at him)

Duke Red: (looks at Skunk)

Skunk: (quickly looks back at the T.V)

Duke Red: (starts watching T.V again)

Skunk:..........

Duke Red:.........

Skunk: (slowly looks back at Duke Red)

Duke Red: (looks at Skunk)

Skunk: (turns away for a second but quickly looks back)

Duke Red: (still staring)

Skunk: *stare*

Duke Red: *stare*

Skunk: *stare*

Duke Red: *stare*

Skunk: *stare*

Duke Red: What the hell is he doing?! Why does he keep staring at me like that? And why am I letting him?(silence)Wow.....I never realized how blue his eyes were.....they're like...the color of neon blue Gatorade.................he sure is ugly though. Hmmm......REALLY ugly. Ugh....who would ever find him attractive with his crooked smile, his strikingly intense eyes, his cute, button nose.......why, could I have a crush on this creepy and perverted man? Could I have a crush on the Minister of State?! Oh, I wonder what he's thinking about...

Skunk: Oh God, he's trying to hypnotize me!

Duke Red: *stare*

Skunk: *stare*

Duke Red: *stare*

Skunk: (kisses him)

Duke Red:..................Holy crap, is he kissing me?! He is! My first kiss from another man! I'm getting kissed by another man!!! Let's see....do I like it, or do I find it unnaturally wrong.......think.......think........I do! I like it!

Skunk: Heh, heh.....lets see him try to hypnotize me now! Hmmmm.......I don't think his hand in my pants is necessary for the hypno proceder........Ohhhhh?(finally gets it)Ooooooohhhhhhhh........(wraps his arms around Duke Red and slowly lowers him onto the couch)

Duke Red: (starts unbuttoning Skunk's jacket and...)

Phone: Bring! Bring!

Skunk:........

Duke Red:.........

Skunk: Ummm.....be right back......(goes over to the phone and picks it up) Hello?........Uh huh......yeah.........no, you can talk to him.

Duke Red: (raises eyebrow)

Skunk: Hang on......(hands the phone to Duke Red)

Duke Red: Hello?

Rock: Hi dad. The ice machine is broken again, can you come home and fix it?

Duke Red: Boy! When I get over there I'm gonna kick your ass SO HARD....!!!!

Rock: Okay, okay.....sorry.....(hangs up) (Turns around to face his bed)

Kenichi: (gagged and in his undies tied up on Rock's bed) *muffled scream*

Rock: Now....where were we.....

Back at Skunk's house

Duke Red: (hangs up phone) Hey, he picked a really good time to call. I mean, we were almost going to have sex!

Skunk: I know! Can you believe it?!

Duke Red+Skunk: (both give out a stiff laugh)

Duke Red:..........

Skunk:.........

Duke Red:...........

Skunk: *blush* But....ummmmm....would you ever consider it?

Duke Red: *blush* Well, maybe sometime in the near future....

Skunk: So, how is this future?

Duke Red: You're pushing your luck.

Skunk: Shutting up.





After Duke Red leaves, Skunk is laying on his bed just gazing at the ceiling.

Skunk's cat Mr. Mookie: Meow?

Skunk: Oh, Mookie. If only you knew the loneliness I'm feeling right now...(Gone with the Wind music starts playing from some random vent in the wall)

Mr. Mookie: (gets bored and walks away)

Skunk: (grabs cat) And where do you think you're going Mr.? You'll listen when I complain and whine!

Lamp: (bangs on Skunk's door) Hey man! You in there? you won't believe what just happened!

Skunk: You ran over a man and had to steal his identity so no one would know he's dead.

Lamp: Nooo.....well that, AND, something else that's really cool!

Skunk: Forget it Lamp. Nothing can bring me out of the somber state I'm in...

Lamp: Boon and I found a dead possum in the road and we're gonna hit it with rocks!

Skunk: Sweet! I'm in! (grabs jacket and runs out of the house)











Author's Notes: Once again, my apologies for the horrible mental images you must have experienced...

Boon: And what images may these be...?

Author: OH GOD! LOOK AWAY! LOOK AWAY! (calms down) And as a special thank you to all of my loyal readers, please help your self to this table of food and hors d'ouvres I stole from Duke Red's house. (points to table of food)

Duke Red: Who said you could take that?!

Author: *shifty eyes* (jumps out window)

Duke Red: Oh, that's it...Rock! Go after her!

Rock: (sitting on the floor, in his undies(with his sunglasses still on, mind you) playing with his hotwheels) Yep....just give me a sec....

Author: (still falling) And remember, keep them reviews comin' baby!