After The Dust Settles Chapter 18: Calleigh's POVLast Chapter, a csi: miami fanfic

Author's Note: Ok i went bowling over the weekend and whoa my arm hurts. lol.

Deb: School is going pretty good. Its not as hard as I thought it was. But of course it just started soooo...

Anni: I'm giving you an offical hanky warning! So get your tissues ready!

Calleigh's POV

Get up. Get the girls ready. Take a shower. Eat breakfast. Get the girls off to school. Go to work. I can do this. I don't need Tim's help. I'm perfectly capable of being a single mother. I did it for 6 years I can do it for another 12 years. I can do this. So, why does it feel like I don't know anything. Tim wasn't back for long but when he was back it was like him going undercover never happend. Tim always had that effect on people. Well...correction not really everyone, me. He could always make me forget about everything and concentrate on the here and now. One kiss and my knees went weak. The feeling of his hand in mine was enough to give me a heart attack. And is it wrong for me to say that I'm gonig to miss us being together? Not just as a couple in general but us actually being together. Tim had a way about him when we made love that made me feel like I was floating all the way up to the ceiling, to the sky even. And now knowing that this time is for real. That he's really dead this time...I can't help but feel alone now and know that I'm never going to have that feeling ever again.

These are all the things that race through my mind over and over again, like some kind of broken record as I watch the preacher make his way up to the stand. I glance over at the casket and I see Speed's face and I close my eyes and look down. I can't look at him like that. His hair is all nice and tidy his mother had made sure of that. He was in a nice black suit, one that his father had picked out. Speed never liked to wear suits he had one for court and that was it. He still had the one he wore at our wedding but that no longer fit him. He had always told his mom that she should know that I fed him well because he packed on a few pounds since being married to me. He has a deep red tie on with a white dress shirt. He always hated wearing light colors. Whenever we'd go shopping for work clothes it was always either black dress pants, dark jeans, black dress shirts, or a maroon one (which I secretly loved) or nothing at all. Tim was very stubborn and I miss that, in a weird sort of way.

I listen to the preacher for a few minutes and its not long until I feel that fimilar stinging in my eyes and the tiny little rivers fall down my cheeks. I try desperatly to wipe them away without someone noticing but it doesn't do any good. I'm bullet girl. I'm a stubborn southern woman this isn't supposed to happen to me. I never cry. Until now. I feel a thousand hands on me at once. It wasn't really a thousand but when your numb from head to toe and your heart feels like its been put through a shredder you can't really feel anything.

The ride back home to my house for dinner is a quite one. The girls nor I talked the entire way. The only voices were Eric and Maxine trying to make small talk in the back seat. My mind floods back to Tim's last moments. "Can I close my eyes now?" those 6 words flow through my brain, making me feel like a million tiny needles are poking me in my heart. If I had my way about it I would have told him no. Simple as that. But he had lost so much blood and he had been put through enough I couldn't let him suffer anymore and I knew deep down in my heart he wouldn't go unless I told him to. That's just the kind of man Tim was, he thought of other people before himself.

Dinner went by fairly quickly. I got a thousand hugs, a million "I'm sorrys", a billion "You hang in theres" I swear I should own the Kleenex company by now. About an hour after dinner, when everyone's talking and making simple quiet conversation I realize I've been ignoring my little girls. I know that, that is wrong. But I can't help it. I feel like if I talk to them that they'll be taken away from me. I glance over at the couch and see the chief talking to them, he reached into his uniform pocket and pulls out to small bags and I smile a little before turning my attention back to Peters and Jessop. I'm not really concentrating on what there saying. After a few minutes I excuse myself and go out on the back porch. I see Horatio leaning over the railing. I sigh a little and walk over and join him. He looks over at me and I look at him for a split second before turning my attention back to my hands. "You know what I was thinking?" he asks softly.

I look back over at him and shake my head, "No." I say simply. "What?" I ask softly.

Horatio smiles a little and sets his cup on the table behind him before turning back to the railing, "The first time I met Speed." he says softly. And I can't help but smile a little. "He was so hesitant in letting me in." he said simply.

I smile a little, it was true. Tim didn't like Horatio at much first, "Well." I started. "Megan did a lot for him. I guess he felt he owed her something." Horatio nods a little and there's a long pause. Which makes me very uncomfortable and I figit nervously. Horatio takes his hand and puts it over mine.

"He was a good man, Calleigh. Don't you ever forget that." he says in his usual Horatio Caine tone. I nod a little and bite my bottom lip nervously, begging for no more tears to flow.

"I know that." he said softly. "I know." I nod a little and close my eyes. He pulls me into a hug and I can't help but release a few more tears. Horatio has that way about him that can make anyone reveal all there emotions. Maybe thats why he's so good in the interrogation room. I wrap my arms around him tightly and hold him for as long as I can. I pulled away for what seemed like several hours later, and who knows it could have been. I wipe at my cheeks and he hands me a hanky that was in his pocket. He adds a quick 'You hang in there" before slipping back into the house.

I look over at the table and see a white envelope propped up against the stand for the umbrella. I walk over to it and see my nick name Speed used to call me all the time written in his hand writing smack dab in the middle of it. "Goober" To some it didn't mean anything, just something to tease me over. Not a lot of people know this as a matter of fact no one but Tim and I knows this. On our first date we had gone to the movies and then we went for a walk on the beach. I had pulled my left over candy out of my pocket. It had been a milky way candy bar and Tim thought it was a box of goobers or something. How he ever thought a candy bar looked like a box I will never know. But he did. I had teased him that he was a CSI and he couldn't tell the difference. And he had replied, "Cal, I'm a csi. I'll just put it into the mass spec and be done with it." and ever since then he always called me goober. I picked up the letter and put it into my pocket. I'd read it later.

I help the girls get there pj's on and I put them into bed. I still can't talk to them yet, maybe tomorrow will be better. Or perhaps the next day. I close there door behind me and I make my way to my bedroom. I can't go in yet. I just stand there looking at his side of the bed. I feel Eric's hand on my shoulder, he says he's leaving and I nod softly. I listen as the door closed and now I feel really alone. I walk into our bedroom and close my door half way, Tim never liked closing the door all the way. He had said it "cut off his hearing to his babies and I want to hear my babies if they need me." A lot of people didn't know this but Tim was a very sentimental man. I pull the letter out of my pocket and set it on the bed. I pull on my pj's which consists of a pair of shorts and one of Tim's dress shirts. I walk over to the far corner of the bedroom and turn on the stereo. A song comes on that makes me smile. And memories flood my brain once again.

Tim had left to go to a conference in Michigan, I didn't want him to go and quit frankly he didn't want to go either. But Horatio said he needed him there so he went. He was gone for 2 weeks and I missed him greatly. I had come home late from work one night and I saw that I had 4 messages on the answering machine. I smiled a little and pressed the button the first one was Tim talking about his day and he sounded more then bored. I erased that message and another one from Tim came on that I didn't expect. "I don't normally do this. But I heared this song today and I had to do it." he had said. I heared a guitar start up in the background. Now, I never knew that Tim could sing. I knew he could play the guitar but never did I know that he could sing. It felt like that day all over again as the song played through the stero and if I listend closing I could almost here Tim singing it.

A hundred days had made me older
since the last time that I've saw your pretty face

A thousand lights had made me colder and I don't think I can look at this the same

But all these miles had separate

Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
but your still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
but your still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin
as the people either way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
but I hope that it gets better as we go

Everything I know,
and anywhere I go
it gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls,
when it's all said and done
it get hard but it won't take away my love

I sat there perfectly still on the bed, not daring to move. The song ends and the announcer comes on advertising some carpet cleaner product. I get up and quickly turn it off. I get into bed, Tim's side of course and I open the letter that Horatio ever so cleverly left me. I open it up and see Tim's messy hand writing. I swear it could pass for a Doctor's. I clearly see my name at the top and I know this must be a serious letter. Tim would never give a heading to anything unless it was serious. 'One the event of my death' I close my eyes tightly for a minute. And for a minute I don't think I can read anymore. I take a deep breath and read the rest of the letter:

Calleigh,

One the event of my death, I don't want you to worry. I know you Calleigh even when you don't think I do. You'll blame yourself and only yourself. It wasn't your fault. Everyone has there demons and mine just got the best of me. I'm going to make this letter short, sweet, and to the point. I love you. And no matter what happens I want you to always remember that. I love you.

Tim

Calleigh looked at the letter for several minutes before showing any signs of movement let alone emotion. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for a moment. I opened them again, folded the letter up and stuck it back in its holder. I placed it inside Tim's nightstand and crawled under the covers. I could hear cries coming from the next room over and I couldn't find the strength to get up and go check on the girls. Seeing them was to much of a reminder of what I had lost and I just couldn't do it. I wouldn't do it. Did that make me a bad mother? I can hear the girls comforting eachother. Whispering words of comfort to one another and thats when I feel my own tears come back to my eyes and slowly, ever so slowly flow down my cheeks. I wipe them away but it doesn't do any good. Instead of slowing down they just come down faster and faster. I reach for a kleenex but I realize that I went through the box on my nightstand already. I barry my head into Tim's pillow, breathing in his sent. I'm going to miss that smell. It wasn't cologne, deoterant, after shave, nothing. It was just Tim. Just Tim. And I think I'm going to miss that the most. I'm going to miss waking up next to him. The feeling of his arms around my waist. The feeling of his hands on my skin. His voice. His pessimistic side. His bad boy side. His eyes. His lips. His hand linked with mine. All the little things i'm going to miss out on. The word marriage came across my mind. Oh, no. I could never do that again. I don't care if its just me and 60 cats after the twins move out. I will never get married again. There's just no question about it. I can't and I won't do it. I won't.

I didn't realize how late it had gotten or how wet the pillow case had gotten until I feel four little hands on my shaking shoulders. I feel someone kiss my cheek and I can't even make out who its is from my tear rimmed eyes. All I can see is an outline. I hear a "Shh mommy its ok" I feel someone lying there head on top of mine and I feel someone snuggling into me, wrapping there arms around my waist. I try to speak. I do, I try to open my mouth to say something. To say what I have no idea but it doesn't come out none the less. I just bite my bottom lip and cry harder. I let the tears fall from my milky white complective skin to the top layer of the pillowcase, through the pillow and onto the matress. Because suddenly I don't care anymore. I don't care if I cry so much it kills me. I honestly don't. I hear another "Ssshhh mommy its ok." and then I hear, "We still love you mommy." And that only makes me cry harder. I feel my body shake more violently then it had done a few moments ago and then I feel the arms around my waist tighten. "Sshhh mommy its ok." they keep repeating. But its not going to be ok. Its never going to be ok. I feel one of the girls wipe at my cheeks again and a few minutes later I feel kleenex against my cheek. I open my eyes and wipe at them and I can see very cleary now that it was Olivia who had her head rested against mine whispering soothing words into my ear and I can see now that it was Sandra who had gotten me the kleenex. I look at my two girls and then I pull them as close to me as possible. I kiss each of there foreheads and begin crying again. My body doesn't shake as much as it did before. But it still does. And I can tell now that this is going to be a continous thing.

I wake up several hours later to two sleeping little bundles of sunshine lying next to me. I pull the covers up and cover them both gently. I walk into the closet and find exactly what I'm looking for. I check to make sure that the girls are both asleep. I kiss there foreheads one last time and walk into the kitchen. I sit down at the little island in the middle of the kitchen and put the tape into the slot of the answering machine and press play. I hear Tim's voice come over the speaker and for a second I feel like he's right next to me. I feel like his hands right there on my shoulder. I close my eyes as he begins to sing. I imagine that I'm sitting on the couch and he's on the cushion next to me with his gutiar singing. I close my eyes and press the rewind button followed closing my the play button. I'm not sure how long I listened to his voice but it must have been about a million times because the girls came in and sat down on the stools next to me. Olivia looks up at me with her bright brown eyes, just like her fathers and asks, "Play it again mommy" and so I did. Until we all got tired of it. I played that song until the tape wouldn't work anymore. I just couldn't let myself forget his voice. People say that memories last a life time. But that's not true. You forget. Pictures fade. Tapes die out. You forget smells. Faces. But no matter how hard I try I will never ever be able to forget Tim Speedle. I couldn't if I wanted to. Not that I would. The song ends again and this time I press stop vs. rewind. I close my eyes and wrap my arms around my two favorite girls, "Bye baby." I say simply and kiss the girls' head once more.

THE END