My best friend

Gray clouds over the sky and the rain streaks down my cheeks

One by one I see the people pass through the streets

I cannot laugh

I cannot cry

I don't even know if I can go on any further,

But I know you'd want me to try.

My memories of you are still fresh

I don't know how much longer they will remain

How we used to play Craps

If you were still here, I would have love to have another round

But now I must continue on

It's hard

I'm not sure if I'm doing this right

So let me gather myself so I can understand

"Pachiko"...

When we first met it was at the arcade

I was a wee gal,

you were amongst the first friends that I had made

Soon we spent our times together and though I never wanted it to,

in the end all things must fade

And today is when your body will be laid.

If you could see me now, I would like to say thanks

But is that any sort of reward to compensate?

You're dead, but I don't blame myself.

I wish I could be there to attend your funeral, but your parents blame me. I'm not sure what to say to them. They don't want to listen. They believe that I've killed you, that if she hadn't been with me, their only daughter would still be alive. Well thanks to you, I'm still alive. Had you not pushed me back then I would've ended up in the same situation as you are. It's not just your parents who have started hating me. The school. Word travels fast. Everywhere I go now, I see hostile glares. I sometimes wonder if someone's planning on shanking me. My parents have become ostracized, my own younger brother is refusing to go to school. I don't blame him. I think we all fear for our lives at the moment.

"Why.. why do I feel nothing? I- is this right? No, I'm sure I'm supposed to feel.. Why? Why can't I feel anything?"

Life is a gamble

Each of us must take a risk

The dice are loaded

And though I'm goaded

From memories which feel brisk

I feel the ramble

"Huh. Guess we'll never hang out again. I don't know if there's an afterlife. Heh, what does it matter? It's not like you could come back and I'd rather not risk you coming back wrong. Still, I wish I could've at least see you off, but there's no way that's happening. Heh, if only you could give me a sign so I'd know which grave you were buried under, which cemeteries. Who am I kidding? I'm just talking to myself, aren't I. If only I could pay my last respects."

Is there a better friend I can have then thee?

For which the cards of fate had dealt to me,

Each moment, never losing in your confidence,

Every stride breaching the fence

Last I checked this is no place for tears

Endlessly you brought excitement to my life

My heart, my pride I rejoice

Pay thee no mind

The tiller tilts his hand

You said not to worry

I don't understand

Nevertheless I know I have a choice
Sound now, I have become like sand

I mustn't hurry

Do not fret

Everything will be alright.

"I- it's a lot for me to take in, isn't it? Heheh.. Why? Just why? I laugh but I don't feel any joy. That's what you would've wanted me to feel right? No need to sully myself over and yet.. And yet I cannot. I just cannot forget about it. Every night since I've returned from the hospital I've kept thinking about you and your self-sacrifice. Heheh, I must be going mad. This- this is unbecoming of a woman of science. There's no way you're coming back, you can't even hear me. Heck, I'm just consoling myself, telling lies that your spirit or ghost whatever is still here, lingering. Preposterous, such superstitions are for the weak minded- so, am I weak? No, I can't be. I- I don't know what to do…"

6 feet under, round n round. I spin my head like a merry go round. Let us clap to the beat, the rhythm of the strobing lights, I'm gathering daisies in my mind. Want to make a wager I'll call your bluff Ace of Spades a 3 Diamond buff all in I win no wait it's not a bluff you really had the cards in your hand A lost a lost the price to pay is coffee but we can play another round this time I'll be more careful You tap once I'll tap twice these cards look pleasing your friendly smile I know is deceiving do you truly have a good hand or am I overthinking it again I'll take the bet there's no way for me to know sure if it turns out you were just bluffing then I would have lost out on a fortune but if you weren't well I'd lose more a good game is this

"Well, in more uplifting events I finally managed to muster the courage to.. Ya know, ask my crush out. Heheh, if only you could've been there to see it. He's a cutie. I hope we can make some fond memories together. My only regret is that you won't be there to see it happening."

Dark skies thunder in the background

The wind bellows and picks up the distant howling of the city dogs

It's getting heavier now, this pouring is now an downpour

I want to laugh

If only I could cry

My heart, it really aches. This pain is nearly unbearable

But no matter what I refuse to die

My memories of you may be fresh

And yet I fear there is only one respite, only one path remains

The past must be forgotten if I'm not to shed tears

I may not be bawling but that doesn't mean I'm not faltering

So with this, I will say my final goodbyes

"I've gathered all of my photos of you, Pachiko. You were truly a good friend, the best I've ever had. You wanted me to enjoy myself, have fun. I appreciate what you did for me, and though I can't attend your funeral there's but one thing I can do. I don't wish for tears to stream down my face nor for my heart to become like stone. These photos I have of us together…I believe I know what has to be done. Sayonara."

With this I struck the match and threw it into the pile of pictures I had of us together. If I keep these around, I know I'll remember you, your sacrifice. I don't want that. I don't want to risk the chance of me losing my will to live and I know you wouldn't want that either. So in memory of you, I will not grieve. In your honor I will forget about you. I must carry on, and though I feel as though I may come to regret this action one day, pray tell I sense I will come to call this very act to be careless, I'll do what has to be done. I must forget about you. May the memory of this event be the driving force to keep me moving on.

Goodbye and thank you for everything, Pachiko-sama.