No amount of tv is enough to ease the racing of my heart or the tightness in my chest. Every little sound, whether from the tv or outside has me jumping out of my skin. Kouga promises to run to the bookstore the next time he goes into town as I've already read most of his library, he assures me there are more spread around the world in climate-controlled storage units but isn't sure I'd be that interested in most of it. When all else fails, he starts teaching me how to play Gin Rummy, a card game he had learned in the eighteen hundreds during some time in China. The goal is to combine sets of cards and score over a hundred points collectively before your opponent. About five minutes in, I was still hyper-aware of the sounds around me, but was too focused on the different rules, card values, and math that I soon felt the tightness in my chest loosening ever so slightly until it completely disappeared in our third game.
"Again," I demand, passing him my losing cards. He chuckles, shaking his head.
"Kagome, it's okay to lose. This just might not be your game." His voice is gentle, even as he teases me.
"I'll make it my game," I promise, able to smile for the first time today. "Again." He continues shaking his head as he shuffles the cards for our sixth round.
"You know, you're gonna have to eat again soon," he reminds me. I find my gaze quickly drawn to the clock, wondering how it had gotten so close to dinner already. "Got anything in mind?" I think over his question as he deals out our cards.
"Can we have soboro don?" I ask after rearranging my cards. "We have everything we need." When I glance up, I catch his look of pride and notice the happiness radiating in his aura.
"Most definitely, I'll get started after this. Deal?" I nod my head, picking up the upturned card on the table and discarding one of my own.
"Want any help?" I don't want to be in the way, but the idea of just sitting there waiting already has my chest tightening up again. Kouga seems to notice and nods his head.
"Sure, that'd be great." I smile my thanks, watching as he replaces one of his own cards, his expression carefully blank as he examines his hand. I discard another and wince when I pick up a lower card, glaring at his barely suppressed laughter. A few card exchanges later, we reveal our cards and I lose, again, by six points. My head falls to the table with a groan. "Hey, you were a lot closer that time." His reassuring voice soothes my irritated nerves slightly, but when his hand rubs my shoulder blade, I can't help but flinch away from the touch, wincing as he retracts his hand. When I look up at him, an apology already on my lips, he's already shaking his head. "That was my bad, don't say it." I sigh as I get up to follow him into the kitchen. "You wanna start the rice and I'll do the chicken?" I nod my agreement and grab what I'll need, the two of us easily navigating the small space without bumping into each other or getting in the other's way. Almost like a dance, I muse, smiling slightly to myself. If Kouga notices, he doesn't comment. "Hey, could you -" Before he has the chance to finish, I hold out the small bottles of sake and soy sauce for him. "Thanks." I notice his smirk from the corner of my eye and can't help but smile back. Once the chicken is almost done, I scramble the eggs and throw them on the back burner, breaking it up with chopsticks as it cooks. "Not bad," he praises our work, as he carefully reaches around me for two bowls. "You first." I roll my eyes at the order but get my food anyway.
We settle into the couch and find Spirited Away playing on one of the channels, not too far into the beginning. I know it's not one of Kouga's favourites, he seems to prefer American television most of the time, but he never protests because he knows that I like them and tend to get sucked into the colourful worlds Miyazaki creates. It's easier to forget the real world for a little while, something he knows is difficult, so he stays quiet. Just when I start to feel guilty about making him watch something he doesn't really like, he'll comment on one of the characters or a particularly beautiful background, feigning interest, and I'm able to enjoy it with him. Tonight, he's sitting farther away from me than usual, not trying to impose his presence on me. Had it been anyone else, I would have been grateful, but there's something about him that's able to cut through the worst of my anxiety and help me find calm again. Even his occasional caresses of his youki have a way of instantly quelling my panic in a way I've never known before. Calm, reassuring, gentle in its power… it feels safe. He feels safe. Something I haven't felt in a very long time.
I want nothing more than to curl up against him, his arm around my shoulders, and to breathe in his scent, knowing everything is okay, but don't want to force myself on him. He's already done so much for me, I couldn't possibly ask for anything more. He's assured me I'm not in the way or bothering him in any way, but I can't help but feel that I'm a burden on him. He had a life before I showed up, a life outside of this house, and now… the only time he leaves is to go to work or the store. Because of me.
I feel his youki brush against me and jump, looking over to find him staring intently at the television screen. Though his face is impassive, his aura betrays his concern. He'd read my scent, I realise in slight embarrassment, though not enough to stop myself from enjoying the feel of his energy against mine. A small sigh escapes my lips in contentment and I feel my body relax into the couch ever so slightly. I notice the corner of his lips quirk upwards at the movement. The wolves outside bark suddenly, growling, and every muscle in my body tenses, ready to run in an instant. My grip on the couch cushions tightens until the knuckles turn white as I force myself to take a deep breath. Those weren't dangerous growls, I assure myself, they're just playing. Though I don't know how I know that, exactly, I can feel the truth in it and try, desperately, to relax again.
Everything about me is exhausted, my every nerve fried from being on guard from every little sound. My muscles ache, my chest feels uncomfortably tight, my jaw and teeth hurt from clenching and grinding them all day. Even though I know I'm safe, I can't help but feel at any moment Naraku will find me and drag me back, leaving a dead Kouga in his wake. At the thought, my heart stops and chest tightens further, painfully enough for me to visibly wince. I feel Kouga's eyes on me and rub at my chest, as though that will be enough to ease the tension there. Frustrated, I run my hands through my hair, cradling my head for a moment before sitting upright again, and trying to focus on the movie.
After it ends, Kouga finds something else for us to watch. When that ends, he finds something else. I don't dare look at the clock. It feels late, I can feel the exhaustion from the day tugging at me, trying to pull me into the darkness of unconsciousness, but the very idea of going to bed sends a jolt of panic coursing through me enough to keep me awake until the next wave. I notice the concerned looks Kouga sends my way when he thinks I'm not looking, or too trapped in my own thoughts to pay attention. I know he knows exactly what's going through my head, which is probably the only reason he hasn't suggested calling it a night. I don't even realise I dosed off until I startle awake, a scream trapped in my throat, nearly choking me. Kouga's at my side in an instant, letting me squeeze one of his hands in mine as he rubs soothing circles on my back with the other.
"Can't do this to yourself all night," he whispers. I know he's right, already my eyes are fighting to stay open again. I nod my head, my grip on his hand tightening even more as fear makes my heart race. My breathing quickens in anxiety and, after a moment, he gently pulls my head against his chest. I take a deep breath and feel my heartbeat slowing down almost instantly. "What can I do?" My eyes flutter shut at the sound of his soft voice and it's all I can do not to pull him even closer. I take a shaky breath, squeezing my eyes shut tight against the thoughts racing around my head.
"I don't want to be alone," I admit as quietly as possible, hating myself for needing anything else of him.
"You won't be," he promises just as softly, before pulling me into his lap. My arms quickly snake their way around his neck as he stands up, making his way to the bedroom. I can already feel myself nodding off. I only make it to the bedroom awake by sheer force of will as everything in my body begs for sleep. Kouga easily holds me in one arm as he pulls back the covers before he gently sets me on the bed. He starts backing up towards his chair in the corner and I feel my heart start racing again. He must hear it because he stops and crouches by the bed. "You need me closer?" I nod my head, but when he moves to pull his chair closer, my hand shoots out before I can stop it and grabs onto his own. I quickly look down at the blankets in an attempt to hide my embarrassment and feel his confused eyes on me.
"Could you…" I swallow passed the lump in my throat, threatening to strangle me for even considering asking. "I mean… w-would you mind…" I trail off, hoping he understands my silent request and I don't have to further embarrass myself by actually asking him to sleep with me. I can feel his surprise once understanding dawns on him as his grip on my hand tightens for a fraction of a second. He stays silent for a moment, pondering my request.
"Are ya sure?" He asks, voice hesitant. Of course he minds, I chastise myself, wincing. He gave you the bed for a reason, he doesn't want to be closer to you than he has to. How could you possibly think anyone would want to share a bed with you after everything that's happened? I blink back tears, keeping my eyes on the blanket in front of me, begging them not to fall, as I quickly drop his hand and begin picking at the skin around my nails.
"I, I'm, I'm sorry, it, it was a stupid thing to ask, I, I'll be fine, really." My voice cracks on every other word and I know he won't believe me. I feel the mattress dip as he sits on the edge of the bed and can't stop myself from flinching when he rests his hand on my cheek guiding my eyes up to meet his own.
"Kagome." I feel myself lean into his hand at the sound of my name on his lips, mentally cursing myself for relying on him so much. For guilting him into doing so much. "I don't have any problem with sharing the bed if that's your concern. I just don't wanna scare ya." I bite my lip as my eyes and the back of my throat burn with unshed tears. "You wanna give it a try?" Not trusting my voice enough to answer, and hating myself for even wanting to, I nod my head silently. "Yeah?" I nod again, biting my lip a little harder. He, of course, notices and gently uses his thumb to pull it out from between my teeth. "None of that, it's no big deal," he assures me. "Come on, you've had a long day. I think we both deserve a good night's sleep." He smirks at the end and I find myself fighting back a small smile of my own as I move over to make room for him. He climbs in next to me and immediately wraps his arm around me, letting me lay my head on his chest. He tenses momentarily, as though he hadn't meant to do it, but when my own hand snakes across his abdomen, wrapping around his waist, he quickly relaxes and runs his clawed fingers through my hair. My eyes immediately shut, suddenly far too heavy to keep open, and I feel every muscle in my body relax with each inhale of his scent I take.
"Good night, Kouga," I manage to whisper, already feeling the pull of unconsciousness taking over.
"Night, Kagome. I'm right here if ya need me," he promises, his raspy voice the final thing soothing me to sleep.