Chapter 4: Friendly Fire Isn't

John's POV

I spent the rest of the afternoon quietly out of sight working out with Teyla and Ronon in the gym before going to meet Rodney at the mess hall at 1900 hours. By the time I arrived, five minutes early, Rodney was already there, practically bouncing up and down in impatience.

"Insects in your pants, McKay, or are you trying to imitate a kangaroo?"

My sarcastic question whirled the man around, eyes lighting up when he saw who it was.

"It's about time! They're serving turkey, potatoes, and gravy tonight, remember? Real, honest to goodness, hot, totally Earth food! By the time we get in there, those gluttonous pigs you call marines will have eaten it all! What'd you do, stop to gel your hair?"

I had to smile at my friend's typical complaints, knowing as well as he did that the cooks would maintain strict portions tonight to ensure that everyone on the expedition could have some of this rare treat.

"The faster you shut up and go through the door, the faster we get to eat, McKay!"

That brought a halt to the building rant, with a classic blank 'stunned McKay' look. It also gave me a rather nasty idea. Carefully, I formed a call in my head.

Allie!

I knew that the artificial intelligence that lived in the Atlantis central computer, my adopted 'daughter' by mutual agreement, would hear me. The question was whether the computer-child would respond as she had been a little upset with me earlier for tricking her.

Then, the familiar voice sounded in my head as I followed McKay in to wait in what was already a long line.

"You're going to get a headache from this, you know."

I'm aware of that, but this could be worth it. Can you control the mess doors, maybe close them in certain people's faces as they try to come in?

"I won't do it to Doc Beckett or Dr. Weir." I could hear the grumpy pout in her voice.

I didn't ask you to. I was thinking more along the lines of some of Kavanaugh's old buddies. Maybe a crabby marine or two.

A giggle. "Now that I can do."

Her touch disappeared to be replaced with the inevitable reaction-headache from when the girl used my Ancient gene to pull that close. Ready for it, however, all I did was wince a fraction at the suddenly irritating noise in the room. My attention was immediately diverted by the sight of the door closing in the face of Dr. Crank. It re-opened with him a few feet back looking puzzled, and I saw him move toward it again- only to have the thing close in his face once again. Perfect. Beside me, Rodney made a surprised grunt as he picked up his tray.

"Well, will you look at that! A concussion couldn't occur to a better target. Better than what happened earlier, that's for sure."

Okay, time to be Colonel Innocent.

"What happened? I've been in the gym all afternoon working with Ronon, Teyla, and some of the newbies." I tried to keep as nonchalant a tone as possible, knowing my avowed ignorance would set off the one-man Atlantis grapevine.

"You're kidding, right? What are you, deaf?"

"McKay..."

"Wow, okay. Somebody rigged Carson's chair to collapse the minute he sat down. Poor guy had just gotten back from the mainland, so of course he was all stressed out and whining about having to fly one of the Jumpers- Hey!" Rodney watched with outrage engraved on his face as the server loaded my plate with a double portion, then smothered the whole thing with four scoops of gravy instead of the normal one. "How come Colonel Sheppard gets so much and I don't?"

The woman just rolled her eyes at him, glancing at me for a nod before she spoke. "Because there are standing orders concerning the colonel from Dr. Beckett, that's why. You don't like it, take it up with the doctor, otherwise, move along."

I sighed. "Carson's trying to force feed some more weight on me, so anything with protein and carbs that he knows I like..."

"About time. Every time you manage to land your scrawny butt in the infirmary, you strengthen your resemblance to a toothpick!"

I let that one go, knowing the jab concealed genuine concern, just like Carson's lectures did.

"So, Carson's chair collapsed?" I prodded him, wondering what Radek may have done. Rodney's tone from earlier had implied that there was much more to this.

"Yeah, landed him right on his butt. He thought maybe it was a fluke until he found a screwdriver laying on the floor under his desk."

Shit! That's where that thing went!

"Now, Radek was in the Control Room and said Carson came barreling up there, furious, to talk to Elizabeth. She took him into her office and the next thing anyone knows, her chair had collapsed! Can you believe someone would have the gall to do that to Elizabeth! And they somehow got in there without being seen! I mean, people are in and out of there all the time, dropping stuff off when she's not there, but... Well, just this afternoon, the gate techs saw Carson, me, Heightmeyer, Lorne, Stackhouse, Teyla, Ronon, and Radek. Hey! You don't know anything about this, do you? I mean, its exactly the kind of sophomoric stunt you would think is funny, like that stupid door over there. Wonder what's with that?"

Doing my best innocent offended look, not feigned this time, I followed Rodney's gaze just in time to see the door close firmly in the face of Atlantis' resident psychologist. It re-opened to admit the woman, then closed, just in time to gently trap Kate's leg, sending her sprawling to the floor. I stifled a laugh. Allie had long shown a dislike for the woman, perhaps picking up on my own unease around her.

"See! You think that was funny! Did you and Allie have a fight or something?"

"No, McKay, we didn't, so its not a feedback loop between Allie and me causing malfunctions again. And you know damn well that I would never do something like that to Elizabeth! She has enough pains in her backside running this place without adding a real one to it!" Now, I was angry, and not about to hide it. "Besides, whoever's doing it hit me at lunch! The lid of the sugar container came off right into my coffee!"

I'm going to string up a certain Czech, though! I thought he had more sense that to bu- ah, bother- Elizabeth like that! Besides, I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end if she caught me!

The dinner passed quickly after that, listening to Rodney ramble on about the 'half-witted stunts' many of his classmates had pulled in college. It sounded as if the poor man had gotten stuck with mostly jocks on his floor. Or maybe it should be 'poor jocks'? It did give me some good ideas, though. Too bad Atlantis didn't have porcelain toilets since it wouldn't have been that hard for me to get my hands on some dry ice...

By the time I returned to my quarters, intent on getting in some neglected guitar practice, I felt an urgent need to use the facilities. Hurrying in, that's where I stayed for the next forty-five minutes, hunched over in misery. I'd read in military histories that severe diarrhea, often called dysentery, had taken the lives of thousands of soldiers during the Civil War and wondered how that could be possible. Now I knew.

My bed never looked so good as I started to at last emerge from my bathroom. That was when the cramps hit so hard and fast that I felt the impact with the floor before I even registered the fact that I was falling. Riding out the intense wave, I finally lay there, spent, feeling like an overcooked noodle. I knew exactly what needed to be done and for once wasn't going to hesitate, but before I could reach up to tap my radio, the pain returned.

Curled into a tight ball on the cold floor, sweat broke out on my forehead. This couldn't be happening again. I was trapped in one of my two worst nightmares only three short months after the events that spawned it. I was alone, helpless, and unlikely to be found any time soon. Fear made my abused stomach twist even harder, and I felt myself dry heaving as I lay there, tears running unchecked down my face. That's when a sweet little voice spoke in my head, sounding on the verge of pure panic herself.

"Father? I can feel your pain! What's going on?"

Allie! Help... Get Carson!

Before I could complete the thought, she was gone. I heard someone calling me on the radio not long after, then hands were on me, a cool cloth gently running over my face.

"It is all right, John. Dr. Beckett is on his way."

Teyla. Good girl, Allie. At that point, I lost the fight to stay conscious.

I woke sometime later to the very familiar ceiling of the infirmary and one very sore midsection, still feeling completely wrung out. Hands were smoothing a blanket back in place around my legs, alerting me to the fact that it was cold air around my lower body that awakened me. Rolling my head to one side, I saw Carson place a Foley catheter on a tray, then strip off his gloves before he turned to note my eyes on him.

Crap. I think I'm glad I woke up now instead of a few minutes ago.

Carson smiled, gently wiping my face with a cloth that had been sitting ready on the table by my bed. "You have good timin', son. I doubt you wanted to be awake when I was takin' that thing out. Don't worry, you should be just fine now. I wouldna be surprised if you could return to your quarters tonight and be up and around in a few days. Out of everyone, you got hit the worst."

I blinked stupidly, my sleep and drug-fogged brain not quite following. Gingerly, I tried to push myself up, only to have Carson instantly pressing me back, then raising the head of the bed. Face darkening with anger, he handed me a cup of orange juice.

"Here, colonel, sip on this for a while."

"Uh, doc... What happened?"

If looks could kill, someone would be in Dr. Biro's care right now. "Some half-witted haggis brain thought it would be funny ta steal some Laxative from my infirmary an' pour it inta the gravy at dinner last night. For most people, the worst result was needin' to stay near a toilet for a few hours an' havin' to swallow some Midol for the cramps." Carson paused, eying me, apparently taking note of the anger I couldn't conceal. "Aye, its a mite bit nasty even as a joke. They knew the normal portions served, too, so they put in enough to ensure that everyone got a normal dose."

No. Oh, this is just too cruel.

"O'course, you pick last night of all days to follow my orders fer once and actually eat a full double portion of the stuff. The server said she put four scoops o' gravy on your plate, so you effectively received a quadruple dose. Combined with your fast metabolism and a slight sensitivity to the drug... You were hit hard and fast with a drug overdose, son. I had ta put in an IV and a catheter to clean out your system.

I leaned my head back against the pillow with a groan, closing my eyes. I knew who was responsible, and was about one step away from revealing him. Only the fact that it was Zelenka, good-natured, sarcastic, afraid to fly Radek who wouldn't intentionally hurt anyone kept me from sending the wrath of Scotland after him right then and there. Somehow, I seriously doubted that he ever meant for me to get this ill. Wouldn't stop me from having a very pointed discussion with him about appropriate pranks, however. In the meantime, I drifted back to sleep with Carson fussing over me, brain already plotting a suitable revenge- and contemplating the truth in the old adage, friendly fire isn't.

Author's Note: Now, just what is John up to? Stay tuned for further hilarity! And since someone asked, yes, the prankster is a canon character. Reviews feed the beast, so please hit that button! Thanks.