The Art of Apology

Radek's POV

Author's Note: Thanks to everyone for reviewing and giving your guesses. Special thanks to Sherryw for the first of Radek's newest pranks.

Hrom do toho! Colonel Sheppard was going to kill me. That is, if Dr. Beckett left enough pieces when he was done. I just didn't understand what could have gone wrong. I had double-checked the dosage and was certain I had it right. No one was supposed to be affected that badly, particularly Colonel Sheppard. The man barely ate anything and it showed. As Rodney always says, the Colonel showed a striking resemblance to a toothpick.

With a confused sigh, I turned to enter my lab, only to stop short when the door literally slammed shut in my face. A centimeter closer and I would have been short my nose, a piece of myself I am rather fond of. Only one person in the city can make a door do that, and she had a very legitimate reason to be very angry with me. After all, I was the reason that her father was laying in an infirmary bed being very miserable right now. I winced, not looking forward to the coming conversation.

"Allie... Please let me in lab."

The door remained pointedly shut.

"I wish to talk to you, Allie, but I need laptop to do so."

After a long moment the door slowly swung open and I released the breath I had not realized I was nervously holding. Entering the lab, I immediately sat down and checked my computer screen. Nothing.

"Allie, I wish you to know that I would never purposely harm the Colonel. It was just... harmless prank, you know, a joke."

Tensely, I waited for what seemed an eternity before a burst of text filled the screen.

'You said it was a JOKE! Father says jokes are FUNNY. That WASN'T FUNNY! That was MEAN! You're mean! You HURT Father! YOU'RE NOT MY FRIEND ANY MORE!'

Allie is definitely a child, despite being an artificial intelligence, and she was having a rather spectacular temper tantrum. Good thing I wasn't Rodney and would not tantrum back. But the little girl had a point. Intended or not, I had hurt Colonel Sheppard, and I knew how much he loved the infirmary.

"I am sorry. Am so very sorry, little one."

'I'm not talking to you. I don't like you.'

As if to prove her point, the computer screen suddenly snapped off, then the lights, leaving me sitting in utter darkness. This wasn't going well at all.

"Allie?" Silence and darkness. "Allie... Am very sorry. What else to you want me to say? I never intended this to happen. Am not even sure I know how or why the colonel was made so sick. I thought I calculated carefully and no one would get hurt."

After several more minutes sitting alone in the gloom, I had to wonder if the child was even still listening.

"Please, Allie, I wish to apologize to Colonel Sheppard as well. I can not do this locked in powerless lab."

The lights abruptly flared, causing twin jolts of pain to shoot through my eyes. As they adjusted, I heard the laptop begin to hum as it, too, regained power.

"Allie?"

'You promise to be nice from now on and leave everyone's food alone? You better or I'll tell Doc Beckett.'

"Yes, yes. I promise on honor as a Czech. I will not tamper with the food again." Then the full meaning of what she had just written stuck me. "You mean Scottish Terror does not know it was me?"

I couldn't believe my luck on that one, I had thought I was one deceased Czech.

'No. Father didn't tell Doc Beckett because he said that you wouldn't have made him sick intentionally. He's still reeeaaallly mad, though.'

"Could you tell him I wish to apologize and ask that he not make me into Czech pancake the moment I come in infirmary door?"

I held my breath hopefully after making that request. The military commander of Atlantis was not someone you ever wanted angry with you. Kolya and the Genii had found that out the hard way during their attempted takeover two years ago. The result hadn't exactly been pretty.

'Oh, all right. If you hurry, you can talk to Father before Doc Beckett gets back.'

"Thank you, Allie."

I called as I scrambled for the door, intent on my mission. Minutes later, I was cautiously peeking around the main infirmary door, but true to Allie's word, there was no sign of Doctor Beckett or anyone else for that matter. Somewhat odd, but as the Americans say, I would not look a gift horse in the mouth lest it bite me. I spotted a blanket covered lump in the bed usually occupied by the colonel when he was here and called out softly, not wishing to startle the man and land myself in further trouble.

"Colonel?"

"Ah, Doctor Z. Allie told me you would be coming and that I shouldn't flatten you the moment I saw you."

The voice sounded faintly amused as the lump shifted, blanket shoved aside to reveal the man himself. As I received my first good look at the man, I felt guilt and horror war for dominance in the pit of my stomach. He looked like shit, pale and seemingly even skinnier than before. Dark bags under his eyes made him resemble a raccoon. What could have gone so wrong? My feelings must have shown on my face because he sighed, actually giving me a slight smile.

"Relax, Radek, I look worse than I actually am."

"Colonel Sheppard, I am so sorry!" I blurted it quickly, his slightly confused look making me realize that I had spoken in my native Czech. I repeated the phrase in English just as I saw him puzzle out what I had said.

"So long as you realize that what you did was wrong, not just because I was hurt, but in general, then I can forgive you."

The stern look I was pinned with made it clear I should consider myself very lucky. Somehow I doubted he would be forgetting anytime soon, though. I didn't have the heart to tell the man that he had accidentally hurt me as well with that toolbox trick. After all, most people would not be pulling so hard that they actually fell when they picked the thing up. The bruises were my fault.

"Yes, yes, I have promised your daughter I will not fool with food again. Does this mean you will no longer shoot me?"

He glanced at the laptop sitting open on his bedside table, then back at me.

"Seeing as I don't have my side arm or my P-90 with me at the moment, I'll have to leave that question unanswered for now. Just be a little more careful in your jokes, my friend. Make sure they're actually funny. Now, Allie says that Carson is coming back so you'd better make yourself scarce if you want to stay in this game."

"Yes, Colonel, thank you, Colonel, goodbye, Colonel." I said hurriedly ducking out the side door through the storage area. Right. Now that I had apologized to the Colonel, I had some preparations to make for the continuance of the game tomorrow.

The next morning I hurried from my quarters to the mess hall, intent on my first goal. Yes, I had promised Allie I would not touch the food again, and I intended to keep that promise, but coffee wasn't food. At least, not to most people. Besides, all I was going to do was add a little harmless food coloring, no side effects possible whatsoever no matter how much people drank. Colonel Sheppard would still be resting in his room under doctor's orders and not allowed to drink coffee, so it was perfect. Fortunately, it was early enough that the mess hall was still very quiet and it didn't take long to accomplish my task. Soon, those who drank decaf would be walking around with green mouths while those who used the true stuff would have blue. Should prove interesting.

With a jaunty whistle, I returned briefly to my quarters for more supplies, then to get tape. Just before reaching the supply closet, however, I was suddenly shoved into the wall, receiving a violent protest from my ribs at the harsh treatment. Gasping, I tried to decide what had hit me.

"Watch where you're going, Radek!"

Rodney's obnoxious voice called to me from behind and I heard his footsteps recede around a corner. What was he talking about? I had been walking slowly near the wall, not in anyone's way. He was the one charging through like Canadian imitation of Spanish bull in China shop! Shaking my head, I decided that I really needed to think of a way to get even with the man. Maybe something with his computer? He had been scowling about something going wrong with the thing all last night, so maybe not...

Upon reaching my still-affixed-to-the-floor toolbox, I took note of two things- Rodney's box sitting next to mine, and the tube of super glue that the colonel had left. Carefully, I applied a line of glue to the inside rim of the lid, then shut the cover, retrieving tape from my own. I wished my arrogant colleague much success in opening that.

I was in the hallway just outside my target's office when I realized that I had not checked to be sure she was elsewhere at the moment. Cursing myself for my stupidity and praying to whatever deity might be listening in the Pegasus Galaxy I continued onward, pleasantly surprised to find the room empty. Pulling out the bag of rubber spiders that a friend on the Daedalus brought me, as well as the tape and some nearly invisible fishing line, I set to work. Let's see what the so-called doctor thinks of this!