((Once upon a time, Angedemusica and kaokitty2 were passing notes in chemistry class. Now, each of the girls had a heavy crush on a fictional character. Yes. They're dorks. We understand. Angedemusica adored Erik (aka the Phantom) from The Phantom of the Opera. Kaokitty2 lurved Hiei from Yu Yu Hakusho. Anywhoo, during the course of the note-passing, a small quibble turned into a mighty feud when Kaokitty2 wrote out one small, deadly sentence.))

Your so called sexy Phantom is not very sexy.

((Angedemusica became very red in the face and scribbled a reply in a furious fashion.))

I KEEEL! GRRR! Fear my sexy Phantom's sexy Punjab Lasso!

((Kaokitty2 rushed away to her boyfriend for protection from the noose's deadly power. But Angedemusica would not let this pass quietly.))

Oh, and by the way… Hiei's not sexy either.

((Thus began the mighty feud that shall forever be known as…))

THE BATTLE OF THE SEXIES

(Told from the perspectives of the feuding fan girls)

Hiei's evil eye controls you to love him! But he will choose me, then you will be heartbroken and his revenge sweet! Mwahahahaha!

No. You misunderstand. My beloved Phantom shall hypnotize your spirit with his angelic tenor voice, but then he shall choose me for my superior ALTO strength, because he decided Christine was a poohead. Then he'll lock your three-eyed freak in the torture chamber and feed you the siren. And then we shall create beautiful music together and laugh at your dumb two-dimensional cartoon lover. HAH! Beat THAT!

But Hiei moves too fast, so he will escape and rescue me, plunging his sword in your so called "Phantom", him being only human dies and then Christine swoops in at the last second and rescues her beloved Phantom. He'll see the error of his ways and will leave you all alone until you die.

HAH! But you are wrong! You see, the torture chamber is comprised of many many mirrors, so my hubby uses his spiffy trapdoor thingies and while three-eyed freak stabs the reflection in the mirror, Erik shall use his Punjab Lasso to strangle him because he didn't keep his hand at the level of his many hideous eyes. STUPID demon boy! And then Christine says she just came back because she forgot her purse and my Phantom will be okay because he loves me better. He will then throw you back to Siren for its afternoon teatime snack and then my sexy angel of music and I shall go do… intimate things while your cartoon boy hangs limp from a limb.

But! Kurama, master of mischief and marigolds, uses his plant wielding abilities and the tree heals Hiei! Yay! ((Insert intimate moment)) Happy happy joy joy between Hiei and I. Then, with Sasuke's help, we track you down, the Phantom's tracks so easy to follow. A fight ensues, and Hiei plays a game of cat and mouse with your so-called "Phantom" menace before administering his black dragon in the end, its fiery jaws swallowing the fruitcake down in one gulp. The Phantom is fried and all that's left of him is his solitary mask which you can keep.

Ahh, but you forget one VERY important fact: THE TREE IS FAKE! IT IS METAL! (This is not my imagination. This fact is credited to the brilliant Mssr. Leroux.) And so your freak boy is still dead. Hee hee! Then Raoul shall swoop down on a vine like Tarzan on a vine yelling, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" He knocks over marigold man, because marigolds and pansies are both pretty flowers! Then the great and mighty Cesar shall crush stuck-up Sasuke with his might horsey hooves, since Sasuke was actually beating on Carlotta, because Lon Chaney used his mad makeup skills to make her look like the Phantom, and because 2-D characters have no room in their heads for brains. Meanwhile, the REAL Phantom of the Opera takes me with him to a safe place, and then we turn the grasshopper and watch the opera house and anime boys go KABOOM! And then we shall have intimate moments and lotsa kisses and cuddles in the glow of the freaks' deaths. I WIN!

Never! I shall NEVER surrender, whatever the cost may be! But the power of love and a little mouth to mouth transcends all! The Siren and I talked about it all and we realized we had nothing in common, so we parted ways. The torture has no real affect on me. I'm already nuts! I revive my lover. We pursue you and the Phantom, and Hiei challenges the Phantom to a sword duel, nothing but themselves and swords. No tricks and no shirts! They're locked in a furious battle, swords clashing, my voice ringing out, cheering Hiei, your voice matching in volume, clearly proclaiming the Phantom's noble beauty! Then the fighting stops, the Phantom pausing to voice a VERY important question:

"Why are WE fighting?" Hiei blinks at him. "This fight is not between us!"

Hiei snorts. "Hn! You finally spoke sense."

They walk away, chatting amiably, stopping to remind us that yes, they do want us, but our fight was dumb. They exit into the sunset.

THE END