With Tears I Mourn: Chapter Five - Jack's Viewpoint
Disclaimer: The characters from Stargate SG-1 belong to the franchise for Stargate SG-1 ™. I do not claim possession of any copyrighted characters. Any and all other characters belong to me and may not be used without my permission.
Rating: PG
Characters: Jack and Sam
Hello, readers:-) First of all, I need to address a few things. Here's a heartfelt thank you to those who reminded me about the zhatarc detector and how Jack and Sam had to admit to their feelings openly or be accused of lying by the machine. It's been a while since I've seen that episode, and though I clearly recall Martouf's death, that bit had slipped my mind. But I will have to wait for season four to arrive from my library before I can write an accurate chapter involving that discussion and memory. When that comes, so will the full chapter. For now, here's a brief mention from what I can recall of that scene.
And thank you for the numerous reviews. They really encourage me to continue writing. I do have a teensy request though. If you have a suggestion or comment outside the regular reviewing, please send it via PM rather than through the review system. Some things have nothing to do really with the story overall and are extra comments or suggestions. I'd love to read them! But through the PM system and not as a review. Thanks, guys!
>>>>>>>>
A flicker of firelight flared up from the mound of logs and twigs which Jack carefully placed in the proper circle. The rising flame illuminated Sam's features suddenly in the dim twilight, her pensive eyes and contemplative mouth. She stared off into the distance as if some unknown creature wistfully called her name. Only Jack knew it was not a creature, but rather a voice. And it didn't call "Sam," it called "Samantha."
She had won the fishing expedition, returning with five fish to his four. But he really didn't mind.The gleeful glint of triumph in her eyes had made him smile, but now she sat with arms sadly wrapped around her legs and cheek resting upon one knee. When occupied, Sam forced away her demons through pure will power. But now, with night descending fast and the forest sounds slowly rising up to greet them, she couldn't push away the pain.
Placing three now cleaned and prepped fish onto a straight stick, Jack lay it atop two branches pushed into the ground, the fish hanging just out of reach of the flames. He eyed her quietly, and a silent sigh of frustration crept from his lips. They need to talk. Sam wasn't behaving any differently toward him really. No uneasiness, but the one thing which needed to be said was something both of them dreaded yanking out into the open.
It was a memory which haunted Jack more than Martouf's death. He and Marty had never really been good buddies, although there had been moments where at least the antagonistic behavior lessened. Jack knew it was because of Sam and Martouf's involvement with her, or rather Jolinar. Sam stood, made a quiet comment about fetching a jacket and vanished into the cabin, leaving him alone in the dark. He still couldn't quite comprehend how Sam held memories, not her own,of Martouf, but she obviously did. Watching them together, as they had walked or worked together had unnerved him.
Martouf had tugged her further away from him, and Jack couldn't fight it. Even now, the tiniest twinge of guilt struggled to surface, accusing him of taking advantage of his major by bringing her out to the wilds of Minnesota. Some rules he held no qualms about breaking. But not this one. This one bore a higher importance and kept things professional between soldiers. Even when he fought them, his feelings for Sam simply grew stronger with each passing day.
That To'kra lie detector brought everything to light. Even things with no relevent bearing to the situation being investigated. And Jack vividly recalled a watered-down, subtelized, description of his feelings for Sam being forced into the hearing of all present at the interogation. The one mission where even she demanded he leave her behind, and he wouldn't do it. The touch of their palms through the force field, their expressive glances, filled with trepidition that this might be the end before they'd even had a beginning.
Sam's return broke through his musings, and Jack softly patted the ground at his side. She hesitated, her wide eyes narrowing thoughtfully before she quietly sank down beside him, a black full-length linen coat laying around her shoulders. One edge barely slipped, revealing the blue shirt beneath. Glancing at her as she gazed into the fire, Jack delicately reached around her slender back and returned her coat to her shoulder, allowing a soft caress of affection to slip through in his touch. A shuddery sigh slid from Sam's form, but she didn't speak. Silently, they both turned to watch as steam began slowly curling from the fish as the flames obeyed their orders.
"Jack."
Her voice wavered softly, uncertainty ringing her words. Sam was never uncertain and Jack shifted slightly so he could see her features more clearly in the dim light. After a momentary pause of uncertainty, she continued, "I keep hearing him, in my head. But it's not really my head, is it? Whatever remnant remains of Jolinar feels Martouf's death so strongly, so passionately, that it rushes through me in agony. I miss him, so much. Because of Jolinar I knew him better then I knew most people. I saw inside of him, his heart, his goodness, his love of all things right and proper."
Stroking his left index finger across his brow, Jack contemplated a reply carefully before responding, "I wish I could say I knew what you were going through. In many ways, I do, but not on the level of having someone else's memories crammed into your brain. But Sam, you need to remember one thing."
Reaching out, he tenderly grasped both of her shoulders in his large hands, turning her to face him directly.
"Those memories which haunt you are Jolinar's memories. I'm not saying some of the pain you feel isn't real, because it is. But some of it is Jolinar and not you. And that part you need to lock away before it overwhelms you. Feel your own sorrow, your own pain. And then you can move on. Sam, believe me, I still miss my son. It's an ache lingering deep in my gut whenever I see a small boy running with a kite or playing ball with his father. Those are things I used to do, things I loved to do, but with my son. That pain will never leave completely. You'll always feel a void. There are times when I turn and expect him to be there. You'll go through the same experience, sensing that he should be there, that he might come walking through the Stargate on a To'kra request. But slowly, time will pass, and the anguish will grow fainter over the years. Healing is possible, if you let it try."
A solitary tear shimmered in Sam's expressive eyes, lingering in their depths before slowly releasing its hold and sliding down her cheek, leaving a glistening trail of sorrow along her skin. Gently, Jack drew her into his arms, holding her tightly to his chest with her head upon his shoulder. Her form stiffened at the first contact and then relaxed as the sobs finally took a solid hold, her arms reaching around to cling to the sturdy muscles of his back. Jack knew his shirt would be damp before the end of the storm, but as she shook in his arms, he finally knew she would be all right.