It was another day at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Hermione was being an insufferable know-it-all, Ron was being a prat, Harry was being completely emo and obsessing over Draco Malfoy, and Seamus had caused 365 things to explode thus far in the year. Tensions were high. Sexual tensions, that is.
Due to this stunning amount of stress, some particular students were having a hard time keeping to themselves. On more than one occasion, our three main characters had accidentally walked into classrooms that were cough occupied.
On this particular day, the trio decided that a nice walk on the grounds was the best way to avoid this problem. As they settled themselves under their favorite tree, Harry was suddenly unceremoniously kicked in the face. "Malfoy! What did you do that for!"
Malfoy just shrugged, and continued on his way. Harry stared after him incredulously, then got up and followed him ("Wait here you guys, I'll be right back").
"HEY! Malfoy! What the hell was that about!" Harry called as caught up with his destination.
Once again, Malfoy shrugged and kept walking. Harry grabbed his shoulder, and slammed him against the nearest wall. "Pay attention when I'm talking to you Malfoy!" Harry froze as Malfoy looked at him, not with anger, but...longing? Suddenly Snape ran around the corner in his heart patterned boxers, yelling something about Dumbledore's 'mimbulus mimbletonia.' Harry shook his head and released Malfoy.
Harry looked back at Malfoy (who was staring after Snape with a bewildered expression on his face) and told him he was acting weird. He started to walk back to where Hermione and Ron were, when Malfoy grabbed him on the shoulder.
Malfoy spun him around and pulled him into a deep kiss. Harry's eyes widened and he shoved Malfoy away forcibly. Malfoy stood, panting, looking at Harry. Harry stared at him for a few moments before turning and running back to the castle
Later that night...
Harry was totally freaked out about the whole 'incident', as he'd randomly decided to start calling it. That was the last thing on the face of planet Earth he would have thought could happen.
When he told Ron about what happened (he was too scared to tell Hermione), he stared at Harry for a moment, and then broke out into hysterical laughter.
Harry looked at Ron, annoyed, then yelled at the top of his lungs "Ron thinks his Auntie Muriel is a better snog than Lavender!" Ron shoved his hand over Harry's mouth and looked around to see if Lavender had heard.
When the two had finally settled back down and Ron was actually being serious (well, as serious as Ron could be), Ron looked at Harry. "Do you think he meant it as a joke?" Ron asked. Harry shrugged, "It didn't seem like it. Which made it even more disturbing than if it were a joke."
Ron had to stifle his laughter again. "What's so funny?" Hermione asked, as she'd just come into the common room from the library. Ron looked up at her, "Harry's all creeped out because Malfoy kissed him," he said before giggling some more. The next scene I cannot describe because it involves some females shrieking and a bit of Ron's blood on the floor, as well as some serious violence on Harry's part.
Later that night, in the hospital wing, Harry and Hermione were gathered around Ron's bed. "So Malfoy...kissed you?" Hermione asked with a look of revulsion on her face. "Yes. And I'd like to know why." Harry didn't add the thought that was forming inside his head. 'I'd also like to know why I enjoyed it...'
Then Hermione all of a sudden did the most un-Hermione like thing possible. She leaned in close to Harry's face and asked, "So, how was it?"
Ron almost killed his stomach and fell out of the bed from laughter.
Harry looked at her strangely. "Er...good, I suppose..."
"Oy! Why does it matter?" Ron asked angrily. Hermione blushed and looked down. "Because...it might help us understand why he did it!" Harry looked between Ron's angry face and Hermione's embarrassed one and something clicked in his head. "OW! Damn I need to get that robotic plate fixed. It keeps clicking."
Hermione suddenly decided not to be embarrassed anymore, and continued with her deduction. "Ok, so if it was 'good I guess', that must mean that it was serious!"
"No, really?" Harry remarked sarcastically.
Suddenly the hospital wing doors swung open, and in rushed Draco Malfoy, looking furious. "Aha! Potter, how could you? You pervy Weasley-fancier!" He then stormed out in tears. Harry stared at the door blankly before Hermione nudged him. "You should go after him Harry." Ron sputtered and said "What? Harry she's crazy! It's MALFOY!"
Harry blinked a few times, then randomly decided to take Hermione's advice and go after him, wanting to get to the bottom of this. Then the hospital wing was empty, save for a very disgusted Ron, and a very OOC fangirl Hermione.
Harry finally had chased Malfoy down (who had suddenly regained composure randomly), and asked what the hell this was all about.
Malfoy glanced around quickly before shoving Harry into an empty classroom. He threw Harry upon the desk and began to climb on top of him. "Malfoy what the fuck are you doing!11!11!1!111/1$?23?" Malfoy stopped for a moment to read all the punctuation marks before answering. "Well Harry, I realized that no one could hate you and tease you and bother you as mercilessly as I have all these years without harboring a deep physical attraction for you"
Harry, now having an answer, weird as it was, had no more reason to scream at Malfoy, and instead settled for staring at him. All that ran through his mind for a moment was 'wtf...?'
Then he randomly decided he was ok with it and kissed Malfoy hard on the lips.
Suddenly, Snape burst in, clad in what looked like one of Aunt Petunia's frilly pink cocktail dresses and saw Draco and Harry. "Potter! 500 points from Gryffindor for attacking Malfoy!"
As Snape continued on his way down to Dumbledore's office, Harry and Malfoy just kind of stared at him. And because this giant, rather mainstream hallway was completely deserted for reasons unknown, they decided to continue whatever the hell they were doing. Until OOC fangirl Hermione stepped out the door and squealed.
Hermione now sported a t-shirt with the words YAOI in bold letters, she was waving a flag that said "Draco x Harry", and the sight of the two boys grappling on the floor sent her into a flurry of excitement. Behind her, Ron was being sick into the wastebasket.
Now, you can imagine how awkward of a scene this was for anyone who might happen to pass by. Malfoy was sitting in Harry's lap, Hermione had turned into a perverted fangirl that was likely to squeal "kawaii!" at any given moment, and Ron couldn't seem to stop his digestive pyrotechnics. And that's just what happened. When randomly who should happen to walk down the corridor? Why, dear ol' Cho Chang!
Cho stopped dead in her tracks. "Harry...?" Harry looked over and visibly gulped. "Cho...h-hi! How are ya?" Cho stared for a moment before bursting into tears and running into the nearest loo. Unfortunately it was Moaning Myrtle's, and she slipped on the water on the floor and fell.
Malfoy, unaffected by this, but rather disturbed my Hermione, kissed Harry once more and went off to bed.
Harry just kinda sat there, stupefied. Finally, after long last, he managed to get out a "wtf...?"
Hermione looked at Harry then managed an excited squeal before collapsing. Ron had long since been down from extensive digestive damage. Harry wondered vaguely what would happen when they were all discovered in the hallway the next morning before he fell asleep as well.
Meanwhile, outside Dumbledore's office;
Professor McGonagall and Hagrid had their ears pressed against the door.
"So," Hagrid said, "How long do you think Professors Dumbledore and Snape'll be at it like that?"
"Shhh Hagrid! I can't hear anything!"
Next morning, in that random hallway;
Harry stood and yawned, stretching his hands above his head. He opened his eyes to see most of the students staring at him, Hermione and Ron, of whom the latter two were still sprawled on the floor. "Guys...guys get up. OH MY GOD RON YOUR PANTS ARE ON FI-YAH!" Ron scrambled blearily to his feet, and attempted to put out his non-flaming pants.
Ron grumbled something about petty trickery when he discovered his bottom wasn't ignited, then trudged off to get some breakfast. Hermione suddenly remembered last night's events and squealed randomly again, and went into the nearest bathroom, finding an unconscious Cho on the floor.
Harry just sat there awkwardly.
A first-year Hufflepuff boy walked slowly up to Harry. Harry looked at him for a few moments, until the boy poked him in the face with a stick. "Davey, Davey, I touched him!" Harry made a lunge for the boy, and missed spectacularly, and landed on his face.
Harry was just about to have to deal with an enormous embarrassment, when as he scrambled off the boy below him, Snape ran through the hallway insanely wearing a penguin suit shouting about frogs in his pants.
Throughout the day, classes were interrupted by a very insane Professor Snape who kept popping into classrooms in random costumes shouting obscene things. He was almost always followed by a harried looking Professor McGonagall, who kept trying to stop him with spells, to no avail.
That evening at dinner:
Hermione glanced up to the staff table. "Where are Dumbledore and Snape?" Ron looked sick and motioned for her to drop the subject. "Speaking of which. where are Harry and Draco?" Ron looked, if possible, even sicker.
Then, all of a sudden, a miracle happened! Ron's sick look completely vanished from his face and he dashed away from the table to find Harry and Malfoy! SHOCK! Guess he got horny after being neglected by Lavender for all that time.
Ron burst into the empty Charms classroom to find Harry and Draco quite 'charmed' themselves. Ron then kicked the author in the face for even writing that sentence. "So guys," Ron started. "Do you think maybe we could have a threesome?" Harry looked at Draco and shook his head. "Sorry Ron, my bum is already really sore. Fred and George are over in that closet though." "Yeah but they're having crazy twincest. They won't let me join."
Harry and Malfoy looked at each other, and then they both shrugged at the same time. "Why not?" Harry said. And then they proceeded to do lots of fun things which I cannot describe in too much detail because the authors are trying to keep a decent rating.
Later in that evening in the Gryffindor common room, Hermione bombarded them with questions.
Ron didn't respond because he was in a bit of a zone. The reason for this was because of his lack of sex appeal, he was never able to get laid before. So he was kind of out of it.
Hermione shoved him onto the couch and proceeded to bombard Harry with difficult questions such as "How long is Draco's thing," "Is he as good as I've heard?" "How long did you guys go for?" and "What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"
At this point, Harry's mind was too full of perversion to care about what Hermione was saying, so he just nodded his head occasionally and fell asleep on the couch not much later.
Ron tried to get up to the boys dorms, but fell from exhaustion at so much physical exercise, knocked his head on the stairs and was out cold. Hermione was still asking questions.
Next day...
Harry entered the Great Hall and was instantly tackled by Malfoy. He promptly fell over and died. Just kidding! But anyways. Dumbledore stood to tell the students an URGENT announcement, when Snape suddenly burst in the door, completely nude, then passed out in the middle of the room.
Everyone was quite used to this new Snape, and they just ignored him. Dumbledore hadn't even noticed, and continued talking. "AHEM." He started, "Aheeh heh hem! Ahgeehm!"
He appeared to be clearing his throat, in a way. Sorta. It was very strange though... his face was turning purple! And then he passed out from lack of oxygen.
The bell rang for classes and the students left the hall, stepping over Dumbledore's comatose body.
On the way to Herbology, Harry was accosted...by Pansy. "Potter! What did you do to Drakie-poo!" "Er..." Harry looked to Ron and Hermione for help, but Ron was picking his nose, and Hermione was distracted by two boys holding hands. "Thanks guys..." Suddenly, Pansy waved her wand and changed Harry into a sock. All of a sudden, when the two boys disappeared, Hermione snapped back into reality and turned Pansy into a pickle! OO; Ron thought it looked so much like his boogers he stopped picking his nose! OMG!
The three decided to go for a walk on the grounds (they skipped Herbology because...because they can!) Suddenly, they heard a shriek! Ginny was being attacked by the giant squid!
They were all like "OMG!" And started freaking out! Then all of a sudden Snape ran out into the grounds wearing nothing but a superman thong and he grabbed Pansy-pickle and started attacking the squid with it!
"Ow, ow, ow! Let me go!" Pickle-Parkinson cried. Snape ignored her and beat the squid senselessly. Unfortunately, the squid dropped Ginny and she sank to the bottom of the lake.
The merpeople were like "OH EM EFF GEE! An ugly human! Get her outta here! toss" With a thud, Ginny landed on the grass at the edge of the lake. Snape dropped Pickle Parkinson on the ground, and proceeded to run towards Ginny, pulling a kiwi out of nowhere and sticking it in her mouth.
Ginny sputtered and spat the kiwi out. "Ew gross! Where has that even been!" Snape glanced around and then snapped his fingers. POOF! He vanished!
Ginny got up and ran away, then disappeared in a cloud of red smoke. All of a sudden, the stupid authors of this fic poof-ed out of nowhere! "Draco..." the short one said in a mystical voice, "USE the kiwi... UUUUUSE THE KIIIIWIIIII!"
"What do I do with it?" he cried. The taller one grabbed the kiwi and smacked him in the face with it. "Use it to wrap up the neverending fic, moron!"
"Oh, right." He said. And then he waved the kiwi in the air, and a large image of Snape in a kitty outfit projected from the sky. Then, the world of Hogwarts exploded, and the fic was over.
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Billy: Umm... yeah. The end. Or something.
Brittany: Stay tuned for next chapter!