WE'RE BACK! AND DUMBER THAN EVER!

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Once upon a time, there was a boy named Harry. He was friends with a lanky prick and a fluffy know-it-all. They were happy and life was full of fun dark wizards who tried to kill them.

Until, the two most AMAZING, WONDERFUL, DAZZLING young women came into their life..."

"QUIT THE LAME NARRATION!" Hermione yelled at Billy, "Get on with the damned fic already!"

"Shut your face Herm-own-ninny!" Billy yelled. She pulled a javelin out of her pocket and hurled it at her.

"Jesus, you guys, not even a paragraph into the story and you're already fighting!" Brittany cried. She waved her magic kitty wand and the javelin disappeared.

Billy waved her pumpkin wand furiously at Brittany and turned her into a computer keyboard

"That's what you get for interfering with me and that gorramn bush over there!"

Suddenly a computer screen popped into existence over Keyboard-Brittany, with the letters "WTFD!" Hermione stomped over impatiently and waved her wand, changing Brittany back to normal. "Are we ever going to get on with this fanfiction?"

"NEVER!" Chorused Billy and some random kid that just conveniently happened to walk by.

Hermione just rolled her eyes.

"Don't make me start making fun of you for chapter two! You were pretty damn out of character, miss 'I lurff yaoi!'" Billy accused, "You want me to do it again!"

Hermione paled and shook her head violently. Ron burst into laughter before Brittany rounded on him too. "And who wanted to have a threesome with Draco and Harry, hmmmm Ronniekins?"

Suddenly Snape burst onto the scene wearing a purple spangly toga. He shouted, "Two O'clock in the morning!" and waved his wand. Suddenly they were all at the start of term feast. Billy jumped up and cried, "Let the fic begin!

The plates were suddenly piled with fun num-nums and yummies, as usual. They all got full and fat and then looked eagerly up to the staff table to see who their new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was.

Their jaws all dropped in unison.

"Do you guys...see what I see...?" Harry mumbled.

"I think I see it...but...I may be dreaming..." Ron replied.

"Guys that's..." Billy started.

"Yeah. That's a sombrero. How can a sombrero teach DADA?"

They all gawked for a few more moments, but then they realized that might be rude, and hurt Mr. Sombrero's feelings.

They quickly looked away and felt awkward.

OKAY, so suddenly it was the next day and time for DADA class. Have fun guys. lamesendoffBillyisaloser

They all walked into the classroom feeling kinda nervous. They're nerves went bonkers when the realized what the class was going to be about, though.

The sombrero sat on the teacher's desk, next to OMG A VAMPIRE! Then a voice came from the direction of the hat. "Hello, class. Due to an unfortunate magical accident, I was transformed into this sombrero. But I am still capable of teaching. You may call me Professor Sombrero. Now, can anyone tell me what this is?"

Hermione hand went straight into the air, knocking Billy over in the process.

Billy fumed and seethed at Hermione while holding her bloody nose. Hermione simply answered the question and ignored Billy's cries of "What's wrong with you, overachiever?" and "Gorramn bush!"

Brittany rolled her eyes and handed Billy a tissue.

"Ahem," Prof. Sombrero said, "If I may continue. This is, indeed, a vampire. They are allergic to garlic and suck blood from people. Now I am going to give you no defense strategies at all, leave the room, and let you destroy this vampire all on your own. When I get back, whoever is still alive will receive 20 house points. Good day!" The sombrero then leapt off the desk and out of the room.

There was a moment of still, horrified silence as Prof Sombrero left the room, and then all at once, the entire class made a run for it. Unfortunately, they all tried to get through the door at once, so alot of people got hurt badly anyways. The vampire chasing them didn't help either. Our heroes (and semi-heroines) managed to escape, but the vampire was still chasing them down to the lake!

Billy cried, "Aren't vampires afraid of water or something!"

"I dunno," yelled Brittany. "Let's try it anyways!"

They then catapulted themselves into the lake. The vampire stood at the shore for a few moments, then, muttering something about not wanting to get his hair wet, he stalked off.

They all emerged, soaking, coughing and spluttering. Myrtle randomly drifted by and then got sucked up a pipe to the kitchens where the house elves were getting water to boil for tonight's dinner.

"Aaargh!" Ron complained, "I'm soaked!"

"Honestly, can't you all do anything?" Hermione said. She waved her wand and they were all instantly dry. "So...what now?" Brittany asked, looking around at them all. "Magic fight!" Billy yelled. She mumbled a spell, turning Brittany into a Bahama llama.

Brittany put her wand in her lllaamamur mouth and turned Billy into an effing duck! They both made their given animal noises at each other while Ron turned Hermione into a real live bush! Harry just watched, munching on crackers.

Ron pointed at the Hermione-bush and laughed hysterically. He accidentally waved his wand around and turned himself into a pickle. Harry was reminded, once again, of the Pansy-pickle incident and stopped eating his crackers. Meanwhile Billy was currently on fire, and Brittany had legs made of Hisa-chan and Jiro plushies.

Billy squealed over the plushies, which distracted Brittany and she ended up sticking the needle through the wrong part of the fabric. She punished Billy for this...

Brittany shoved a random carrot up Billy's nose. "Stop distracting me!" Hermione screamed in frustration. "Enough!" Suddenly they were all in the Gryffindor common room. "How the freak did we get here?" Brittany said. "I think I can answer that..." They gasped at the figure that emerged from the shadows of the room.

It was...

A DUCK!

They stared for a long moment, before Hermione fainted. Billy bounced up and down.

"DUCKIE! DUCKIE! DUCKIE! DUCKIE! DUCKIE! DUCKIEDUCKIEDUCKIE!" She screeched until Brittany whacked her in the face with Hermione's History of Magic book and yelled louder, "IT'S THE WHAT THE FCKING DUCK!"

"AHEM!" They all turned to look at the duck. Except Hermione, she was still unconscious. "Yes, I am indeed the 'what the fcking duck'. And I have come to you all with a grave mission. He-who-must-not-be-named has caused one of the worst events in history. He has caused all babies born to be born with...horrible acne. It is up to you to defeat him and deliver Clearasil to these stricken children. Do you accept?"

Brittany blinked at him for a moment or two, before saying, "Erm, all right then."

So they set out on the mission!

They got to ride on rolling desk chairs that move forward by themselves.

Billy was very excited about this, because the lever that normally makes you go up and down actually made you go faster.

She began speeding around and around the others. Brittany got so fed up with her show-offy behavior that she threw a cheesecake at her face. Billy stopped speeding to wipe the cakey goodness out of her eyes. "WTFD!" she cried. "Yes? Mr. Duck asked, two chairs up. "Erm...nevermind."

They continued until they got to the landing pad for the school helicopter. They went up into the helicopter with those fertilizer thingies for lawns, and poured the Clearasil into them.

As they were flying over the land, spreading Clearasil to the good boys and girls with acne, Ron had a brilliant idea.

"Let's go to IHOP!" They all congratulated Ron, for this was the best idea he had ever had. They flew the helicopter to IHOP and landed it in the parking lot. As they sat at their table deciding what to eat, Glay walked in!

Ron, Hermione and Harry didn't really notice, because they didn't know who they were.

Brittany was too busy to smack herself for not bringing a pen, because she was already talking to them.

Billy had fainted from both the shock and the pure hilarity of this really bad inside joke.

Suddenly their waiter appeared. He was in a cucumber suit and spoke with a horribly fake French accent. They were all once again reminded of the Pansy pickle incident, and Billy kicked the waiter in the face

They weren't quite sure how Billy managed to kick him in the face, considering the fact that she had just passed out a moment ago.

However, Brittany didn't seem to notice, because she was too busy trying to collect phone numbers (and was being turned down).

They all decided it was time to head back to Hogwarts. They all got into the helicopter (Brittany had covertly tied up Hisashi and was stowing him in the back) and flew back to the school. On their way there, they were attacked by a huge dragon and they all died. Or, if that ending is too cruel for you readers, the alternate ending is they got back to Hogwarts and inherited five million dollars!

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Billy: Ain't we cool?

Brittany: ... these are getting sadder and sadder.