What would you do for a Klondike bar?
♥
Xemnas was a stoner with Machiavellian tendencies. Xehanort had spearheaded scientific research into the nether regions of the heart, with five other apprentices along for the ride. This necessitates that his Nobody is neither clueless or stupid.
The Nobodies of those five apprentices and Xemnas made up the top six of Organization XIII, and none of them were anything but a force to be reckoned with. The Superior most of all—that was what made him the Superior; like it or not, he had the ability to hold the dysfunctional group together and the power to stay at the top.
That includes everything up to and including sexual positions. Even though there is no canonical evidence to support heterosexual, let alone homosexual activity in Organization XIII other than the obvious acronym of their leader's name, a certain abbreviation of 'Organization' itself, and perhaps Axel, this law must still be abided by. The leather coats are a possible indication, but that's another story entirely. The boots, at least, seem to have been standard issue as an apprentice to Ansem the Wise—feel free to make of that what you will.
Note: Just because the author thought Marluxia was a chick the first time she saw him and he likes pink doesn't make him queerbait. Two hot guys do not a feasible storyline make.¹
What in the name of Nothing had just happened?
There was something wretched festering in the back of Xemnas' consciousness. A girl with an angelic face. He'd surfaced to cognizance—awareness—with a single saber summoned. There was a haze in between—it refused to clear.
"Thought you should know: There's an intruder."
Xigbar stepped through a portal. Most of the members of Organization XIII kept erratic living schedules, if they kept a schedule at all and didn't simply sleep and eat when it was most convenient. It was hard to maintain 'daily routine' when there was no day to codify—a general frame of reference is insinuated, suggested, here—anything, so the fact that Xigbar was perfectly awake and fully dressed was not odd.
"It's being dealt with?"
The sharpshooter smiled, and it made the lines of his broad face sharpen, the jagged scar below his remaining yellow eye twist in a less-than-aesthetic way.
"You have to ask?" Xigbar was semi-nominal second-in-command, the Freeshooter, for a reason. He was not a cute guy, he was not a surfer god. He was a sniper, around 40, and an ever loving BAMF: Whatever took his eye and scarred his face had likely not lived to admire the handiwork.
Xemnas, leaving his bed for the baser Nobodies to put to rights, strode out of sight behind a door, and reemerged wearing an Organization cloak. Xigbar had already gone, and Xemnas stepped into a portal, which would take him to Naught's Approach.
♥
Kairi's missing, separated-at-birth younger sister (Let's do the timewarp!) was still hurtling downward, head first.
Pointy objects: Not good.
Falling towards pointy objects and quickly reaching terminal velocity: Very not good.
"How the fuck do I make these stupid things work!" Elizabeth shouted angrily, twisting in the air and trying to do something more productive than simply dropping. She was not relishing the idea of being skewered alive.
Well, considering she wouldn't be alive long enough for it to matter once she was impaled—bam and then nothing—
The wings strained but she couldn't get the hang of hooking air to create lift. She was fighting air resistance, and indeed for her very awareness. The Sue was chipping away at it with every passing moment, taking vicious advantage of Elizabeth's growing half-panic to strain her hold.
I will defeat you!
Elizabeth was otherwise caught up or else she would have responded, and you could bet it wouldn't be child-safe, Disney be damned.
—whoomph—
Wind snapped around her, pressing into a near-solid wall: It drove her to stop in midair, and she hung there—the sharpness of the sudden stop making her reel tenuously—in this usage, dangerously—for a few precious moments—moments taken advantage of by a Sue who wasn't subject to it but a token half a second. Her eyes flushed orange.
The blood rushed right to Elizabeth's head—she was upside down, after all, and Inner Elizabeth just managed to scrabble a niche into her conscious, preventing 100 takeover.
Wind. Wind could only mean one Nobody—and, of course that One was Xaldin: The Organization's Number II, the Whirlwind Lancer. A serious man without a drop of emasculation—i.e., he doesn't look like a girl—in his body. Reviled by the fandom because they're bitter, sissy bastards.²
He was flanked by several Dragoon Nobodies, and he hovered in midair, hands behind his back. He didn't have his hood down, but there were only so many options and it's the duty of all Sue fics to know something without any solid proof backing it up, even if things are going so fast that no one could possibly figure anything out except perhaps that the sky might be blue. Or in this case rather stormy and black.
"It seems I've caught a fly," he said, and the Mary Sue could have screamed in indignation.
"Let me go this instant!" Sue-Elizabeth shrieked, though not quite so loudly as the wind pressed up against her chest, making it a little hard to breathe.
"Not an option," said another voice, more Nobodies popping into view. They seemed to cling sideways to invisible structures, and Elizabeth grimaced as a laser sight passed over an eye, blinding her momentarily with aftersight.
Xigbar. Damn, she'd gotten some high-ranking attention today. Perhaps it should be taken into consideration that management doesn't bother with what grunts might do by themselves—translation, it would be more likely that they would send masses of Nobodies after Elizabeth, rather than come to face her personally—but for our purposes, such will have to be overlooked. This is why bosses are typically in the highest room of the tallest tower and they make it that much of a bitch to get to them.
That, and the Nobodies probably would have just let her fall and kill herself, as that would involve no effort from themselves. They could go back to being fleeced by Luxord and CandyLand, and pin the tail on the Keybearer.
"Let me go!" she howled.
Xigbar stared at her, eye lingering just a little too long before shaking himself out of it. In the short span of time his face had suddenly smoothed out, more streamlined and smooth (2x the smooth-ness for emphasis!), and...prettier looking. More like Axel, with an eyepatch. Bishified (my spell checker attempted to change that to "sissified"). Oh, and he miraculously lost 20 years of aging.
She was...beautiful. Wait...he didn't have a heart. He shouldn't be feeling these things—he shouldn't be feeling at all! That was inherent—part and parcel, rule numero uno—in not having a heart.
But it was there anyway.
"Any last words?" Xigbar asked, but his heart wasn't in it. A lot of expressions become painfully ironic when you lose your heart, if you hadn't noticed. Heartless, no heart in it, heartfelt...you're really up shit creek without a heart. Heartbroken...Have you no heart? Why no sir, I don't...
The Sue suddenly radiated with a great deal of energy and broke Xaldin's wind barricade—uh...study your vocab, children!—and flew forward, charging Xaldin...totally ignoring the fact that wing-based flight is dependent upon—you guessed it—wind. Somehow, even though he threw a blast at her, it didn't even break her pace, and he skittered to the side, Dragoon Nobodies diving in.
Xigbar warped out of the way, and though he had a clear shot, he didn't take her down, realizing he'd never be able to hurt her.
A katana materialized in her hand in a rush of energy; it wasn't as glittery and fancy and jewel-encrusted as it could have been—not for lack of Sueness, but for the last degrees of Elizabeth that clung on desperately. A plus, because that meant she wasn't at 100 Power of Good. © Please don't sue Picon, she is a poor college student.
Quite frankly, Inner Elizabeth was just grateful that it didn't feature motifs of crooked crosses and runes—thank God for small favors. She didn't know what she'd tell the children.
Or anyone else who caught the references, for that matter—but let's face it: Anyone who reads Mein Kampf and the Communist Manifesto before the age of 20, of their own free will, generally has some twistedness to them, and that twistedness gloms onto their Mary Sues.
"Who are you?" Xigbar asked, and the Sue froze.
"I'm Kaoru Sunshine Hikari," declared the Sue. "I'm Kairi's younger sister who was separated at birth, and destined to be caught in a love quadrilangrilal. Or else tortured by you until you see the light."
No you're not, you're of fucking European descent and know nothing about Japanese culture, so don't name yourself that. Anime doesn't count, Elizabeth snapped. ...Though, Ruroni Kenshin did save my ass, once.³
"Stop this!"
Inner Elizabeth could have shriveled up and died. Xemnas. This was not good. A little ways off, on Naught's Approach, Xemnas stood; behind him were the assembled, remaining members of Organization XIII...some of them looking rather perturbed, and Demyx was in sleeping boxers with bubbles on them, zipping up his cloak. Remaining members because...uh...because the author hasn't ever played Chain of Memories. So let's say this is after that.
She would like to use this opportunity to point out that, though she has never played CoM, she knows that Zexion is not emo, even if he resembles the lead singer to Panic! At the Disco, Vexen does not rape puppies or is an old man, Lexaeus is not an idiot or mute, and Larxene is a sadistic bitch, in the truest sense. It's no coincidence that her name unscrambled could be Relena. And everyone ignores the Riku Replica.
And Axel is a conniving bastard. That is all. Did I forget anyone?
"Arigato!" called out Kaoru Hikari McGee.
Wapanese? No! Let me kill myself! And you spelled that wrong. Stick with one fucking language! Oh, and: Destiny Islands? Not Japan. Hence, Sora, Riku and Kairi are not Japanese, so it makes no sense to pretend they are.
"Xemnas?" That was Xaldin, just a few inches short of mercifully mincing the Sue. Inner Elizabeth cursed her lousy luck, mentally snapping her fingers.
Xigbar stood off to the side, and recognized a contender for the heart of his newfound love. Though, since Xemnas was the Superior, he could do nothing at the moment.
Xaldin, however, was cognizant, had a keen knowledge of the fact that he was an incomplete being, so he sensed something wrong immediately, to a far higher degree than Xigbar did. Mostly because he's the hero—if Xigbar were the hero he'd be having these revelations.
His colleagues were acting strangely. It had to do with this girl, but he froze at the command of Xemnas.
She was beautiful...
A stricken look passed momentarily over his face, and Xaldin drove the thought from his head.
♥
From hereon out, almost all of the important action will be carried out by Xaldin, and when he's introduced, Luxord.
Fuck yes, a cliffie° for the world's worst fanfiction! And chapter 3 is the worst of them all! I have outdone myself. Watch and tremble as Picon howls with manic laughter. Flame me. Do so: Know that I feed on it. Mwa, luvs! No, seriously. It doesn't feel as funny as the last one. Damn it. I hate boring chapters. Promise you: Next time it will be better.
Ri2: Lol. I guess so. Self-preservation instincts kicked in, I think.
Anne Ominous: Thank you. And as for your question...it'll be updated when I finish the chapters or feel inspired. I'm not very good at humor, so...I don't know how often it will be.
Fun SizeD: Heh. Thanks. Half of it is semi-self-deprecating.
¹ I read yaoi. Retract the fangs.
² You're just jealous.
³ The Shinsengumi existed, so if you pay attention to the bare historical facts of it you might actually learn something.
° Chappie and cliffie are two evil words. Banish them from your minds.