#3 - Longbourn - Consequences
While Elizabeth had initially rued her long carriage ride to Longbourn, Mr Darcy recognised his for the gift it was - a small reprieve before all the visits, correspondence and contracts required for a swift wedding to a woman who despised him. The first of those tortures would be explaining himself to her father.
And while Elizabeth, who had initially despised Mr Darcy, was starting to see a glimmer of hope that he may better man than she thought, Mr Darcy's feelings had had the opposite trajectory - from hope to anger and resentment, and they were now approaching guilt and resignation.
He laid things out methodically.
First, there was Miss Elizabeth's behaviour:
- She had been cold and harsh. Her words were piercing blows, dashing his hopes without a thought for the pain they might cause. She must have thought him devoid of any proper feeling, for he knew cruelty was not in her nature, and she would not have behaved as she did if she had any idea of the pain she would inflict. But how could she think he had no feeling?
- And she had also been so unreasonable! She had interpreted his behaviour and motives in the worst possible way and was stubborn in those opinions. And she had believed accusations about him that were utterly false, seemingly without a second thought. It was almost as if she were determined to be prejudiced against him!
Next, there was the matter of the claims Miss Elizabeth had made:
- He still felt that he was right in his actions towards Bingley and Miss Bennet, but he prided himself on being a reasonable man, and it did give him pause when he considered Miss Elizabeth's assertions of her sister's feelings. It would still have been a reprehensible connection for Bingley to marry Miss Bennet, but his friend should make his own decisions, and he didn't like to think he had misled Bingley in telling him Miss Bennet didn't feel for him. He would put that aside for the present - there would no doubt be discussions with Bingley, after he heard about Darcy's own impending nuptials to a Bennet sister, so he could face that conversation then.
- As for the deplorable business with Mr Wickham, he could defend himself on that matter, but he felt less urgency to do so, now that he had cooled off a bit (and now that he had other things on his mind). If Miss Elizabeth brought it up again, he would tell her the truth, but otherwise, he would wait until she had recovered from the shock of the previous day's events.
- He had been mortified to learn of her opinions of his behaviour toward others for two reasons. First, he had not truly realised before this how badly his reservedness may have come across to others. He supposed he had been shielded from this by all the matchmaking in town, but now that he was aware, he could try to improve on that a little. But he had also been shocked by Miss Elizabeth's disdain for his treatment of those below him. He always endeavoured to be kind to them, and showed Christian charity, but that didn't make them equal to him - surely Miss Elizabeth could see that? It was paramount to protect Pemberley and the Darcy name - he couldn't just abandon his duty.
- And his proposal, well, he could see now that he did not go about that in the right way. No one would take kindly to someone pointing out the faults of those dear to them, or their own… circumstance - he couldn't quite say 'faults', because, as far as he was concerned, Miss Elizabeth had admirably risen above her station in terms of charm and intellect. He had supposed she would be so overwhelmed by the prospect of someone of his station proposing to her, and may even have found it romantic that his love for her had overcome all of that, but he could see now that he had been blinded by his own consequence - both to her opinion of his character and how she would feel about his proposal. Had he even mentioned anything of what he loved about her? Or what he envisioned for their future? No, it had been badly done indeed, and he would endeavour to make it up to her.
And speaking of their future, the next thing on his mind was their impending marriage.
- Yesterday, before the disastrous proposal, he had been picturing the two of them at Pemberley, walking the grounds hand in hand, reading together in the library, spending time with Georgiana, and in the future, a brood of children.
- But now? He didn't know what he could hope for.
He sighed. There was no way to continue with this subject methodically.
Whenever he did land on a pleasant vision of the future - Elizabeth standing with him at the church altar on their wedding day, himself walking down to see Elizabeth at breakfast each morning - he felt pangs of guilt, knowing that she must be dreading those very same things. How could he look forward to anything that would cause her misery? What kind of man would feel that way?
But he would do what he could to make her comfortable, even if that meant that they would never truly be man and wife, would never have children. He was firm about that. He knew he would have marital rights, but he would never, ever impose himself on Miss Elizabeth. If she grew to love him, and wanted to have a true marriage, he would be overjoyed, but otherwise, he would accept her friendship, or even simply cordiality. And he would try until the end of his days to make her happy.
And that brought him to the topic he had been skirting around: he clearly still loved her. Despite her low opinion of him, despite how she had spoken to him - he still felt anger rise each time he recalled it- and despite the knowledge that she may never love him back, he still loved and admired her, most ardently.
-P&P-P&P-P&P-P&P-
Shortly after breakfast, during which Kitty, Lydia and Mrs Bennet were thankfully too occupied discussing the officers to throw more than a few excited sentences at Elizabeth, she had escaped for a walk around the grounds of Longbourn. While there was no chance of her putting the business with Mr Darcy out of her head, she felt that the fresh air had done her some good, and she even felt somewhat calmer as she walked back to the house.
Her peace was too be short lived, however, as no sooner had she entered the house, in search of her father ('I may as well face him now, so I can cease dreading the conversation'), Mr Darcy arrived on horseback.
While her mother flitted about the room in excitement, Elizabeth felt suddenly lightheaded, sinking into a chair.
Mr Darcy entered the room, his usual proud demeanour seeming even more stern than normal. Barely glancing at Elizabeth, he greeted her family, then asked to speak with Mr Bennet, striding out of the sitting room only a few minutes after entering.
-P&P-P&P-P&P-P&P-
Mr Darcy could not remember a time before now when he had felt such trepidation. Not even when he had been preparing to propose to Miss Elizabeth, which, he thought, with a rush of embarrassment, was telling of his arrogance and presumption.
But now, as he approached the entrance of Longbourn, his nerves faced two challengers: first, he was to face Mr Bennet, who couldn't reasonably refuse his request, but who could certainly express his displeasure at the circumstance; and second, he was to face Miss Elizabeth herself - and he didn't know what kind of reception he could expect there either.
He barely registered the exchange of pleasantries with Mrs Bennet, and three (four?) of the Bennet sisters, but did note that Miss Elizabeth appeared pale and subdued. He had readied himself for the conversation with Mr Bennet first, so he was determined to get it over with before facing the yet unknown agonies of a conversation with his betrothed.
He knocked on the door of Mr Bennet's study, and hearing, "You may enter," he stepped inside.
-P&P-P&P-P&P-P&P-
Out in the sitting room, Mrs Bennet was gushing over Elizabeth's future pin money, while Kitty and Lydia debated the merits of fortune versus a red coat (Kitty could be swayed by someone very rich, Lydia felt that only a red coat would do). The topic then changed to something even more mortifying.
"Lizzy," sang Lydia, "I still don't see why you won't tell us how you trapped Mr Darcy! Are you worried Kitty and I would do even better if we tried your way?" She and Kitty giggled.
"I didn't-" Elizabeth began.
"Oh, no need to be shy with us, Lizzy," added her mother, "Of course you did, but it's nothing to be ashamed of! I knew I raised a clever girl!"
"I bet if I used Lizzy's methods, I could get a colonel for a husband!" cried Lydia.
"Could you please keep your voices down," Elizabeth pleaded, "He'll hear you!"
"Maybe he really loves her," Kitty pondered. Lydia laughed.
"Well, of course he doesn't," replied Mrs Bennet, "Lizzy is too plain for that, but she was a clever girl to trap him!"
Elizabeth couldn't take it anymore, and she headed out to the garden.
'Will I spend my life this way? Everyone thinking that I must have compromised him, because I'm too plain for him to actually be interested?'
She sat down on a bench, tears welling in her eyes.
'Even Mr Darcy only found me tolerable - "not handsome enough to tempt" him. Is this yet another thing for which he'll resent me for the rest of our lives? My family, the compromise, the way I abused him and now my looks?'
Her tears spilled over, trailing down her face.
-P&P-P&P-P&P-P&P-
Mr Darcy sighed.
He had explained the particulars to Mr Bennet, and apologised profusely. He had also asserted both his and Miss Elizabeth's innocence, although he wasn't sure Mr Bennet believed him.
He was furious with Mr Collins, but thought it best to avoid abusing the man to his cousin, who likely would take the side of his kin.
But he did want Mr Bennet to know that he lamented the situation. That (his anger at Miss Elizabeth's earlier rejection of him aside) he valued her happiness too much to want her to marry him without affection. Most of all, he was afraid that Mr Bennet would think he had simply used the turn of events to manipulate Miss Elizabeth into marrying him.
"Mr Bennet, I truly regret this whole situation," he said, "But I've thought through all the options, and I really don't see a way out of it."
"Go on," replied Mr Bennet.
"However," Mr Darcy continued, "If you or Miss Elizabeth prefer, I could provide her with a settlement in lieu of the marriage."
"Excuse me?" started Mr Bennet.
"Please don't mistake me, sir," Mr Darcy interjected, "I am prepared to marry your daughter, but should you feel that she would be happier with an alternative… I could make sure she had the means to support herself. And the rest of the family, of course."
Mr Bennet stared at him.
"I want to do what's right here," Mr Darcy sighed, "So if twenty thousand pounds-"
"Twenty!" Mr Bennet nearly shouted, "Mr Darcy, I'll have you know that I cannot be bought. My daughter's happiness means more to me than money."
"I don't doubt that, sir," Mr Darcy replied, "I just thought…"
He sighed again.
"Never mind, let's just proceed with the marriage - shall we discuss the particulars?"
-P&P-P&P-P&P-P&P-
Mr Darcy stepped out into the garden, in search of Miss Elizabeth, whose father had requested her presence. It had been a trying conversation, but it was over now. He wasn't sure the man would ever respect him, but he supposed it could be worse.
He spotted Miss Elizabeth sitting in the sun, but hunched over, with her face in her hands. She didn't seem to hear him as he approached, but then she suddenly lifted her head, looking right at him.
It was like staring at the sun. She was so beautiful - her cheeks and nose pink from crying, eyes bright - but it was agony for him to see her in pain, so he had to look away. He knew she was despairing at the thought of a future with him, and he hung his head.
"Miss Bennet," he said, softly, "Mr Bennet wishes to speak with you."
-P&P-P&P-P&P-P&P-
"Well, Lizzy," started Mr Bennet, "This hasn't been easy."
Elizabeth nodded, sniffling slightly. Once again, Mr Darcy had barely looked at her, and she wasn't sure what to make of it.
"There's nothing to be done," he said, "I'm loathe to part with you - and I would be, not matter the man - but to do so under such circumstances and for such a man! Proud, unpleasant…"
Elizabeth felt the tears ready to fall again.
"And so blind to all your virtues, Lizzy! He seems to think nothing of your beauty, your intellect, your spirited impertinence. Told me he would have done anything to get out of this!"
Mr Bennet shook his head, but Elizabeth looked up, startled.
"He doesn't want to marry me?" she asked, her voice wavering.
"He spent a good portion of our conversation lamenting the whole business - said he had considered all angles. Offered me an enormous sum not to go through with it," he stood up and looked out the window.
Elizabeth felt cold all over.
"But I couldn't let him out of it," he continued, "You would have been ruined, Lizzy, all of you would have been. I couldn't do that to you."
-P&P-P&P-P&P-P&P-
Elizabeth hadn't thought things could get any worse, and yet they had. Mr Darcy was still yet to forgive her, and now he had clearly fallen out of love with her as well. She should have anticipated this. Such a proud man would obviously abhor any blemish on his reputation, so it was no wonder he no longer loved her, the cause of that stain. No wonder he could no longer bear to look at her.
At least now they were equals in affection, she thought, but that was not the comfort she might have anticipated.