Author's Note:
I'm so sorry for the long delay. I've been working crazy hours and have just been exhausted. But while my work has been stressful, it has been so, so nice to receive all of your reviews, favourites and follows - it really made me feel appreciated at a time when I otherwise didn't. Thank you so much. And thank you to everyone who's reading this - I really appreciate you all.
Chapter 8 - Darcy House - A New Insight
The next morning, after attending to some correspondence, Mr Darcy sought out Elizabeth's company for a walk.
Given the fine weather, and Elizabeth's fondness for walking, he felt sure she would be anxious to be out of doors. While they stayed in London, she would not have the freedom to exercise on a whim or to enjoy nature as much as she would normally like, so he didn't want her to miss an opportunity.
However, he did have a secondary purpose - he had decided the time was right to tell Elizabeth about Mr Wickham. He could not guess how she might take the news (although, hopefully she would believe him), but he considered that it might be prudent to have the distractions of scenery to defuse any tension.
Elizabeth smiled and agreed to his offer immediately, and a short while later, they set off together to Hyde Park. Entering the park, they made pleasant conversation, until Mr Darcy steered Elizabeth to a more secluded area.
"Elizabeth," he began, "It is time we speak about something important, but I'm afraid it may be an upsetting conversation for you."
"Oh?" asked Elizabeth, looking up in concern, "Is someone unwell? In trouble?"
"No, no," he replied quickly, "Nothing like that. This is something of a more… delicate nature, but I'm not quite sure…" He sighed.
"This concerns Mr Wickham."
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"I know you have little reason to trust me, but this is faithful narrative of every event in which we have been concerned together."
Elizabeth was mortified. She had received much information in a short period, and her thoughts were running from one thing to another, but two things were clear to her. Number one: Fitzwilliam was telling her the truth. Number two: She had been horribly, unconscionably wrong.
She did not speak for several minutes, lost in her tumultuous thoughts, then began voicing them.
"Oh, poor, poor Georgiana!" she cried, "How dreadful! No wonder she is so reserved in company."
Then:
"Mr Wickham! So cruel to do such a thing. And so brazen! The things he said. Turning all of Hertfordshire against you! And my own part…"
At this, tears sprang to her eyes. She looked at Mr Darcy, the weight of the wrong she had done him overwhelming her. His expression was stoic, but she could see the pain beneath.
"Fitzwilliam," she said, "I am mortified at my own behaviour towards you. How you must have suffered when you first learnt of Mr Wickham's intended elopement with you poor sister."
She stepped closer to him, cupping his cheek with her gloved hand. He closed his eyes, briefly, then looked back at her.
"And then you had to suffer all the more because of my own behaviour. I accused you so cruelly, and in the worst moment, with no regard for your feelings."
Elizabeth was suddenly aware if the intimacy of the moment, and she blushed, letting her hand drop.
"I'm truly sorry, Fitzwilliam, truly."
Elizabeth felt tears start to trail down her face, and she turned away in embarrassment.
"Elizabeth," Mr Darcy said softly, reaching out his hand to her shoulder to gently turn her around again. She kept her eyes down, afraid to look up.
"I was angry at you at first, as you know, but that has long passed," Mr Darcy continued.
Elizabeth looked up, hopefully. Mr Darcy then cupped her face in both his hands, gently brushing her tears away with his thumbs.
"I don't blame you," he said, "I know how earnest Mr Wickham can appear, and how charming. And I did not give you much reason to think well of me in Hertfordshire."
Elizabeth was about to object, but Mr Darcy placed a finger on her lips, to prevent her. She shivered at the contact.
"It's true," he said, "I own that my behaviour in Hertfordshire was more conducive to people believing Mr Wickham than not."
He dropped his hand, continuing.
"I'm sorry to have pained you with this tale, but I felt it was prudent for you to know, given how much time you will spend in Georgiana's company. And, more selfishly, I wanted to clear my name, so that you may hopefully think better of me."
The two continued their walk, Elizabeth lost in her thoughts. Fitzwilliam had told her he forgave her, but how could that possibly be true after the way she had treated him?
It was all so clear now. Fitzwilliam was the injured party and she, Elizabeth, had blamed him. She had believed a stranger's baseless claims, and she had berated Fitzwilliam as a result. It was no wonder that he no longer wanted to marry her after that, and no wonder that he would have done anything to get out of it.
Every day, it seemed, Elizabeth learnt something new about Fitzwilliam, and it was invariably something that showed her what a good man he was. But it also showed her not only how wrong she had been about him, but how prejudiced. Why had she been so determined to find fault in him?
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A few nights later, Mr and Mrs Darcy were to receive Mr and Mrs Gardiner, and Colonel Fitzwilliam, as their guests for dinner, and Mr Darcy was quite looking forward to the evening.
He and Elizabeth had made pleasant conversation since their walk in the park, but they had not addressed any more serious matters. He had observed her distress at hearing the tale of Wickham, so he hoped to give her some time to come to terms with the situation.
However, despite his concern at Elizabeth's distress, he could not help but feel elated when he recalled her response. Elizabeth had believed him. He touched his cheek, where he still felt the ghost of her hand - he'd felt, at that moment, that she truly cared for him. And she had allowed him to touch her face in return, when he had brushed away her tears. It was more progress than he had expected to make so soon into the marriage.
Yet, he thought, it was important not to get his hopes up too much, for there was a great distance between care and love. For the present, he would focus on the growing care and friendship between them.
To that end, he hoped that an evening of good company would be a balm for any lingering distress that Elizabeth may be feeling. He knew that she was very close with her aunt Gardiner, and would likely welcome time with family while she was missing Longbourn.
Richard had recently arrived in town, and Mr Darcy had invited him to join the party. He was of an open and friendly temperament, so he would be a good addition, and Elizabeth had always enjoyed his company.
As Elizabeth walked down the stairs to meet him, Mr Darcy felt momentarily breathless. She had not yet had the opportunity to shop for new dresses in town, but he could not imagine her looking any more beautiful than she did at that moment.
"I'm looking forward to the evening immensely, Fitzwilliam," she said, smiling as she approached, "Thank you for inviting my uncle and aunt."
"There is no reason to thank me, Elizabeth," Mr Darcy replied, "And I believe I'm looking forward to the evening just as much as you are."
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Elizabeth's anticipation of the evening was not unwarranted. She, Mr Darcy, the Gardiners and the Colonel made a pleasant party.
Mr Darcy, Colonel Fitzwilliam and Mr Gardiner were getting along exceedingly well, and Mrs Gardiner took the opportunity to speak privately with Elizabeth.
"How are you finding marriage, Elizabeth?" Mrs Gardiner asked.
"I've barely begun!" laughed Elizabeth, "But I like it very much so far."
"I'm sure," replied Mrs Gardiner, "The honeymoon period can last for quite a while."
Elizabeth began to feel nervous about the direction of the conversation. Would she be able to lie convincingly? Surely her aunt wouldn't ask anything too personal. Or would she? What did married women talk about when there were no unmarried women present?
"But do not worry when you begin to have little disagreements," Mrs Gardiner continued, "It may seem like a bad thing, but it's actually a sign that your love is getting deeper - you're more willing to communicate with each other, so you're able to understand each other better."
"Oh, don't worry about that, Aunt," Elizabeth laughed, "I think I've disagreed with my husband more than anyone else in my life!"
"Oh, Lizzy," laughed Mrs Gardiner, shaking her head, "Well, you did always say you would only marry for love."
Elizabeth blushed furiously, hoping Mr Darcy did not overhear.
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Mr Darcy's expectations of the evening had well been exceeded - he was enjoying himself immensely, and Mr Gardiner had played a big part in that. The man was intelligent and witty, yet humble and kind. He was, Mr Darcy thought, everything a gentleman should be, even though he was in trade. And, Mr Darcy thought, if he was honest, most gentlemen were not what they should be at all.
Even he, Fitzwilliam, had hardly deserved that title in the past, he thought. He could hardly stand to recall his past thoughts on the subject of class and circumstance. Thank God for Elizabeth, who had shown him the error of his ways. He endeavoured to spend more time with Mr Gardiner in future, and to consciously make an effort to look past such distinctions and titles in future.
Mr Darcy was just listening to one of Richard's many military anecdotes, when he heard laughter from across the room and looked up.
"Oh, Lizzy," laughed Mrs Gardiner, shaking her head, "Well, you did always say you would only marry for love."
He looked at Elizabeth, who was blushing furiously, as his stomach turned to ice. He was sometimes able to forget the circumstance of their marriage, and the fact that Elizabeth did not, and likely could not ever, love him. But here was the evidence of the dream that had been ripped from her - she had wanted to marry for love. And now, instead, she had to endure the agony of pretending to have received everything she prayed for.
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After the Gardiners had left, Elizabeth had retired to the library, while Colonel Fitzwilliam and Mr Darcy continued their visit.
As Elizabeth was on her way to bed, she could hear the two men deep in conversation.
"You proposed?" Colonel Fitzwilliam asked in surprise, "I had no idea of your feelings at the time."
"Yes, well, neither did she," Mr Darcy replied.
"But you loved her then?" Colonel Fitzwilliam continued, "She's a wonderful woman, but she's not the woman I expected you to choose."
Elizabeth felt her stomach drop. She should not be listening to this, but she felt frozen to the spot - she needed to know how Mr Darcy truly felt about her.
"She may lack money and family connection," Mr Darcy replied, "But nothing else.
"She's intelligent and lively. She's kind, a caring sister. She can speak on any topic - we share many literary affinities. She's a good Christian, she'll make a good mother. She sings and plays beautifully.
"She has such a wonderful spirit, she's playful and pert. I just feel so alive around her; I feel exhilarated and happy. From our first conversation, I could not cease thinking about her. Each time we spoke, I wished for the conversation to continue indefinitely.
"And, well… she's…" He paused.
"Quite handsome?" Colonel Fitzwilliam supplied.
But not handsome enough to tempt him, Elizabeth thought.
"Heartstoppingly beautiful," replied Mr Darcy, reverently.
Elizabeth gasped aloud. She hurried to her room, so as not to be seen.
She could not fathom Mr Darcy's reply to Colonel Fitzwilliam. She knew, of course, that he must have admired certain qualities in her - he did propose, after all - but she was not expecting such a speech. Was her husband simply playing his part and overstating his affections to his cousin? Or were they his true feelings?
And could it possibly be true that he found her not just 'tolerable', but 'heartstoppingly beautiful'?