(A/N: Thank you spank you reviewers! Onto the next chappie!)
"Hey all! I'm baaaaaaaaaaack!"
Laith and Banshee looked up at the familiar voice, Banshee's face filling with joy and a sadistic smirk flitting across Laith's lips.
"SHINIGAMI-CHAMAAAAAAAAAAA!" Banshee screeched, performing a flying tackle at her employer causing both of them to skid several feet across the floor, "YOU'RE BACK! YOU'RE HERE! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"
"All done protesting, I take it?" Laith snickered as Shinigami and Banshee clamored to their feet.
"Mm-hmm." Shinigami smirked maliciously, "We won on all fronts. Ahhh what a sweet, beautiful, blood filled victory it was."
"Lady Shinigami, are you ready to start?" Banshee asked, motioning towards the control panel were a basket of chocolate muffins and AMP awaited.
Shinigami looked at the buttons that caused so much misery fondly, recalling the pain they had wrought with sadistic pleasure.
"Of course." Shinigami grinned malevolently, "It has been quite awhile. I wonder if I've gotten rusty?"
"Let's find out then…shall we?" Laith smirked as Shinigami Goumon began scanning the audience for a victim, which was quickly found.
"ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLRIGHT ALL YOU KYS FANS!" Shingami boomed, "I'M SHINIGAMI GOUMON! OFF OF STRIKE AND HERE TO RESUME MY HOSTING DUTIES!"
There was a loud round of applause and cheering.
"And our first sacrifice of the day isss…ZOFIS! COME ONNNN DOWN!"
The mind manipulating Mamodo of strode down the stairs arrogantly, stealing the lollipop from a baby as he went. He then took a seat, folded his arms and waited impatiently for The Voice to start.
"Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"
"Zofis…he-I mean she-I mean…oh whatever, is in the middle of a gender crisis that's befuddling us all."
"WHAT?" Zofis snarled, eyes flashing red, "WHAT did you say you miserable little pissant?"
"Its true. This androgynous asshole simply refuses to make up his and/or her mind."
"WHY YOU MISERABLE LITTLE WORM!" Zofis bellowed as Koko tensed up in her seat in the fourth row, ready to defend her Mamodo's honor.
"Resulting in migraines the size of Russia for me when I have to listen to these two get into it over which you are."
From within the control booth, the familiar sounds of Laith and Banshee arguing viciously could be heard.
"She's a girl you moron!" Laith growled, his ears flattened back against his head, taking a swing at Banshee's head with a Sumo Wrestler, "No guy would ever degrade himself purposely by-!"
"Don't belittle my gender buttmunch!" Banshee screeched, swinging Jelly Jiggler –AKA- George W. Bush, at Laith, "He's most definitely a guy! Only a guy would be so-!"
On and on it raged, and it would have continued if not for the actions of a certain audience member.
"How dare you speak to Milord Z that way!" Koko hissed, springing to her feet and opening her spellbook.
From within the booth, Shinigami grinned wickedly as she pushed the familiar magenta button, causing the pair of mechanical hands to drop from the ceiling and snatch it from the possessed teen's hands.
The danger out of the way, Shinigami continued.
"Just pick a gender and stick with it please."
"I'M NOT HAVING A GENDER CRISIS YOU DISGUSTING LITTLE…um…wh-what are you exactly?" Zofis asked, a slightly puzzled looked on his and/or her face.
"I'm mean come on! Guy…or girl. Draw straws, roll some dice, pick a card any card, but choose for the love of all things anime!"
"I swear when I get that book back-!" Koko growled from her seat only to be interrupted by the voice.
"Zofis…he's only controlling Koko to get Sherry's undivided attention."
"WHAT?" Zofis shouted.
"Wh-what…?" Koko whispered, eyes wide in disbelief.
"That right, he…or she…has been in love with Sherry ever since she…or he…first started stalking her on the streets."
"KOKO! IGNORE THAT LYING…WHATEVER SHE IS!" Zofis screeched.
"Pretty clichéd, you freaky little stalker you. Using your girl like that just to get to her best friend? That's like, every other Maury episode known to man!"
"Zofis…that'd better be a lie." Koko growled, tears dancing in her eyes as she began to look very reminiscent of a Jerry Springer guest who just discovered their mate had been cheating.
"I can NOT believe you're actually LISTENING to that wretch!" Zofis cried.
"I mean, poor Koko! What about her needs?"
"YEAH, ZOFIS! WE'RE THROUGH!" Koko sobbed running the studio.
"Koko!" Zofis yelled after her, looking like he…or she…had every intention of following but from her control room, Shinigami pressed a button with a :D emoticon emblazoned on it, causing a metal manacle to clamp around his thighs.
"Comfy?"
"I'll kill you." Zofis snarled, squirming beneath the manacle's grasp.
"Now then…Zofis…he tap dances with Minako the Squirrel-faced Sailor Senshi in floor shows from seven to nine!"
"That is the most LUDICROUS thing you've said all day!" Zofis cried, "And who the HELL is Minako the Squirrel-faced Sailor Senshi?"
"I AM NOT SQUIRREL-FACED!" Minako screamed from the audience, looking ready to kill something.
"Oh come now, don't be shy!"
"I've made it a point to NEVER do anything so effeminate as tap dance!" Zofis snarled, his…her dress swishing about his ankles, "And…whothehellareyou?"
Minako, in a fit of rage, had stormed down from the stands and had joined Zofis on stage.
"And what a co-winky-dink! There's his/her partner now! Are you guys gonna do a show for us?"
"I DON'T TAP DANCE!" Zofis yelled, "I don't even know who the hell THIS bitch is!"
"I want to set the record straight that I'm not Squirrel-faced!" Minako snarled, "I've never even met this guy before today!"
"What do mean? Your performance last night was flawless!"
"WE DON'T TAP DANCE!" They screamed together.
In her booth, Shinigami pressed a button with a top hat and cane and another with an engraving of a pickle on it.
In a flash, Zofis and Minako were a pair of pickles dressed in tap outfits.
"Now you do!" Shinigami sang.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!" Minako shrieked upon seeing her bumpy, wrinkled complexion, "Screw being called Squirrel-faced! This is HORRIBLE!"
"I swear to god I'll GET YOU WOMAN!" Zofis roared.
"Now You Know…Zofis!" Shinigami said happily, "Now off my stage! The both of ya!"
Shinigami slammed a hand down on the smiley face marked EJECT button sending the two rocketing through the ceiling.
"Ahhh…I'd forgotten how fun this is." Shinigami sighed happily, "Man I love my job."
Laith and Banshee, still dueling with the poor Sumo Wrester and Jelly Ji-I mean G.W.B., ignored her and continued their heated argument over Zofis's gender.
"He's a guy, jackass!" Banshee shrieked, clobbering Laith over the head.
"Please stop that. It hurts." G.W.B. moaned as Banshee prepared to strike again.
"She…is a girl!" Laith snarled, bringing the Sumo Wrester down on Banshee's skull.
"Itaiii…" the poor random Sumo guy whimpered.
Grinning like a maniac, Shinigami turned back to the audience to select another vict-I mean contestant.
And she spotted one instantly.
If memory recalled correctly, Shinigami remembered distinctly that HoD had told her about this one attempting a Gum-Gum attack in her studio.
Shinigami smirked to herself.
She always had had it out for that rubberband bastard.
"Our next fatality isss…MONKEY D. LUFFY! COME ONNN DOWNNNNN!"
The rubber band man shot his hands up, grabbed a hold of the roofing joists, and swung himself, laughing hysterically, on stage and onto the Stool o' Doom.
"Luffy…he's pregnant with Chopper's baby!"
"WHAT!" Luffy screeched, springing to his feet, "No I'm not!"
"How COULD YOU? Raping a poor, innocent child!"
"I DIDN'T RAPE ANYONE!" Lufy cried angrily, veins pulsing in his fists.
"So you're saying it was consensual?"
"Ye-NO!" Luffy screamed, a look of terror passing across his face from nearly being trapped.
"That's still considered statutory rape y'know."
"I NEVER RAPED ANYONE!" Luffy bellowed, "I NEVER EVEN TOUCHED CHOP-"
Lufy never got a chance to complete his answer as Shinigami Goumon, with a twisted smile on her face, pressed a button that read: SILENCIO! and a strip of 40mph duct tape slapped itself over his mouth.
"Much better. God I hate your dubber...actually, scratch that. I hate you about fifty-seven times more than your dubber!"
Luffy shouted out, what was presumed to a string of expletives, and gave an innocent airspace the finger.
Poor airspace.
It has to seek out counseling now.
"Luffy…his hobby is molestering yellowtail."
"NMPH-MMPH-MMPH-MMPH!" Luffy cried out through the duct tape.
"Meet me after the show you sick freak!" Zatch screeched from the audience.
"Luffy…he's jealous of Duo Maxwell's braid and has made thirteen consecutive attempts to hack it off during the night!"
Rabid Duo Fangirls swarmed the stage and had to be fended off by the Officer Jenny Battalion and the M.I.W.'s.
"Luffy…he wants to make love to my grandma!"
Luffy's eyes went wide with horror as he reach for the duct tape and ripped it off…his lips going with it.
"EEEEEEEWWWW!" Nami shrieked.
"Luffy, you idiot! Get your lips back on right now!" Zolo shouted from the audience.
After heeding the green haired swordsman and retrieving his lips from the silvery sticky horror, he sewed them back on with a random needle and thread that had appeared out of nowhere and whipped around to deal with the voice.
"Now that's just sick, you freak!" Luffy cried through his newly sewn lips, "I would NEVER-!"
"So what? My Gram-Gram's not GOOD ENOUGH for you?"
"Uh-um-err…" Luffy stammered, sweating profusely, "That's not what I-"
"Oh, so you WOULD screw her then?"
"NO!" Luffy screamed, nearly causing him to lose his lips again.
"So what's wrong with her, huh? She's got great gams for a lady her age!"
"But she's gotta be at least sixty!" Luffy cried.
"And yet you stilllll wanna bone her."
"NO!" Luffy screamed jumping up and down, "NONONONONONONO!"
"Luffy…he's about to meet my pet, Mr. Cuddlysnugglemuffins!"
"…hwuh?" Luffy blinked as a tiny white box rocketed down from the ceiling, landing at his feet, and barriers were raised around the audience.
The lid to the box sprang open and…a fluffy, perfectly adorable, white bunny-rabbit popped its head out.
"Aww…" Luffy cooed, instantly calming down, "How cu-"
The rabbit suddenly bared four rows of razor sharp fangs and dove for the rubberband man's jugular.
There was a brief struggle, where the entire audience cheered on the rabbit, and then finally, Luffy was still.
After his blood pooled on the floor next to his lifeless body, where the bunny was still chewing on his nose, Choppers whoops, squeals and shouts of happiness could be barely be heard over the rest of the cheering crowd.
"Now You Know-I mean KNEW…Luffy!"
"Woot! I'll have to thank King Arthur for selling me that rabbit!" Shinigami Goumon hooted (for everyone who hasn't figured it out, it's the man-eating bunny fromMonty Python and theHoly Grail).
"And nowontoour field report, withField Correspondent, HeartofDragon!"
"Hey out there! Didja miss me?" HeartofDragon grinned, showing off her pointed eye teeth, "I'm off strike and ready to get tight to it! My victim to day is Aizawa Minto!"
The snobby rich girl was examining her reflection in the camera lens, not even realizing it was on.
"Here's your stool!" HeartofDragon grinned, yanking down a lever and ready to begin.
"Know your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!" HeartofDragon said enthusiastically.
"Minto…she's a half-rotted yam!"
"I most certainly am NOT!" Minto sputtered, "How DARE you insinuate such a thing!"
"Then what's with all the flies?" HeartofDragon asked innocently, yanking another lever.
"That was YOU!" Minto cried, pointing at the blood haired youkai accusingly, "I want an attorney!"
"Minto…" HeartofDragon continued happily, ignoring the twelve year old, "…she thinks Zakuro is a self-absorbed whore who needs to get a breast lift and a life!"
"AAAAAAAAAAUGH! NOOOOOOO!" Minto cried, looking around frantically in case her idol happened to be near, "IT'S NOT TRUE! NOTNOTNOT!"
"Then why are you the president of the I Hate Zakuro Club?" HeartofDragon asked.
"I'M NOT!" Minto shrieked.
"Minto…she's in a not-so-secret alliance with the Aliens, Saint Rose Crusaders and the Akatsuki to take over the world!" HeartofDragon cried dramatically.
Minto's eyes went wide and she looked around furtively.
"Who told you?" she demanded to know.
"Wow!" HeartofDragon grinned, "Was aiming off target, but hit a bullseye!"
"Minto…she's about to become acquainted with the Officer Jenny Battalion!" HeartofDragon sang, yanking down on another lever.
Suddenly, the the twelve year old bird girl was completely engulfed by a swarm of Officer Jenny's who were beating her unconscious with their Night Sticks.
"Now You Know…Minto!" HeartofDragon grinned, "Back to you in the studio!"
(A/N: What's this? Another new assistant? Who will it be? R&R!)