(A/N: Hey there! Been awhile huh? But Me and HoD are back! Hope you enjoy our bash! READ ON!)
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"Lalalala! Lalalala! LalalalaLaa! Lalalala! Lalalala! Lalalalalaa!"
Shinigami Goumon watched with fascination as the Evil Death Bee flew in tight, happy circles close to the ceiling.
Once again, the suupa kawaii automaton Gir sat on her lap, face smeared with chocolate frosting as he devoured one cupcake after another.
There had been an incident with Zim subsequent to the last show, shortly after HoD's segment.
The Irkan invader had burst into her office, demanding the immediate return of his robot…like that was ever gonna happen.
Instead, Shinigami had pressed one of her happy buttons of super cool wonderment, which caused Megatron to make a sudden crash landing inches in front of the little green man.
"Hurr." She had said distractedly through a mouthful of muffin, "Wah-ah truhd?" (TRANS: Here. Wanna trade?)
"How dare you, you insignificant flesh pile." Megatron thundered, "The Decipticons are not-!"
"I'll give you a lifetime supply of energon." Shinigami said, scooping Gir off the floor and patting him on the head.
"Master." Megatron said, whirling around and clasping Zim's hands, shoujo bubbles and sparkles filling the air (Gir couldn't resist reaching up and popping one or nine of'em)
So now, Gir was Shinigami's and Zim and Megatron were happily trying (and failing) to conquer the known universe.
All was right with the world.
"I've gots a fishy in mah head!" Gir said suddenly, bursting Shinigami's thought bubble as, with a huge happy smile on his face, he opened up his head to reveal that it was full of water and had a small koi swimming in it.
"Awwww! How kyoot!" She said giving him a smile.
"I named him Kitty!" Gir grinned.
"That's a great name." Shinigami said, giving the robot a squeeze, "But, I have to have the Evil Death Bee pick a contestant now."
"Okay!" Gir said happily, hopping off her lap in search of the pig Shinigami had brought into the control room.
"Lalalala! Lalalala! LalalalaLaa!" the Evil Death Bee sang, swirling around the ceiling for a bit before running into the two-way glass several times, drawing the hostesses attention to a certain audience member.
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"ANNNNNNNNNND we're back, Know Your Stars fans! Today's roast is especially sizzlin'! Because our first victim for the stool o' doom isss…HIEI JAGANSHI! COME ONNNNNNN DOWN!"
The Price Is Right theme song began playing for no reason as Yusuke and Kurama hauled a thrashing Hiei, struggling valiantly to free himself, on stage.
"Let me go, you miserable worms!" he yelled, jagan glowing angrily through his bandana as he was forced down on the stool and the manacle clamped around his thighs, ensuring he would stay put.
"Just get it over with." Kurama said happily, "I mean, what you put off today…"
"Yeah man." Yusuke smirked, "I mean, even I know my number will be up soon. Just go along with it."
With that, they turned on their heels and returned to their seats, leaving a very sour Hiei their, plotting his revenge.
"Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"
"Hiei…nothing in this world would make him happier than to be Kuwabara's boyfriend!"
A high pitched girly scream erupted from the audience followed by a series of loud thunks as Kuwabara passed out and fell down row after row of stairs.
"You sick freak." Hiei hissed angrily, "Whatever drove such a putrescent idea into your mind? It's ludicrous."
"You heard correct people! His love for the orange haired kitten lover is the kind to inspire Shakespere! In'it cute?"
"I highly suggested you close that infernal mouth of yours." Hiei growled, Jagan eye beginning to open.
"Awww, he's being shy! Isn't that just too adorable? There's no need to be modest, isn't that right girls?"
"RIGHT!" a horde of Kuwa/Hiei fangirls shouted, holding up a mile wide banner that read, KUWA/HIEI 4EVER while shrieking in delight.
"That's BULL!" A mob of Kura/Hiei fangirls roared while holding up a banner of their own, "Hiei is meant to be with his darling fox, Kurama!"
"No, he's meant to be with his Baka Ningen, Kazuma!" the Kuwa/Hiei fangirls snarled back, stlking forward menacingly.
"KURAMA!"
"KUWABARA!"
"BAKA NINGEN!"
"KITSUNE!"
Soon an all out riot had broken out amongst the girls that was quickly broken up by the ever faithful M.I.W.'s and enough tranquilizers to take down an entire herd of Bull Elephants.
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"Hee hee hee! Now then, Hiei Jaganshi...he is, in actuality, MICHAEL FLATLEY- LORD OF THE DANCE!"
Hiei's face went completely blank as all the circuit in his brain temporarily overloaded. When the little people living inside his skull managed to reconnect the power, he stared upwards and said-
"…what the FUCK?"
"Come on Michael! Do a little Riverdance for us!"
"I'm not that step dancing freak!" Hiei shrieked, losing all composure, "I loathe and detest spandex pants! AND poofy shirts! Not to MENTION dancing!"
"The Dance of a Thousand Broken Pelvises you performed last night was absolutely breathtaking Mr. Flatley."
"I'M NOT MICHAEL FLATLEY! What the HELL are you on?" Hiei cried, searching the airspace in a futile hunt for the Disembodied Voice.
"Oh a little a this, a little a that, but that's besides the point, my step dancing friend."
"Would you just come off it?" Hiei growled, massaging his temples, "I mean, this is just too stupid."
"Hiei…he's about to be subjected to the power of The Doom Song!"
"What next? Tap dancing spider monkeys? Hiei shouted, totally confused.
Gir shot out on stage in front of the koorime grinning like a fool.
"I'm gonna sing the Doom Song now!" the automaton announced gleefully, "DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM! DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOM DOOMY DOOMY DOOM DOOM! DOOMDOOMDOOMDOOM! DOOOMY DOOMY DOOM! DOOMDOOMDOOMDOOM!"
"I CAN'T TAKE IT!" Hiei screamed, tearing out large chunks of his hair, "I WANT MY MOMMMMMY! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
The manacle shot back into the chair and Hiei, screaming like a banshee, tore out of the studio like a bat out of hell.
"Now you know…Hiei!"
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Gir pranced happily back into the control room where Shinigami, sitting in her spinny chair, and the Evil Death Bee, sitting on Shinigami's shoulder, were waiting.
"I do'did good?" Gir asked as Shinigami pulled him onto her lap.
"Excellent." Shinigami said, grinning down at him, "But we have to pick the next guest now okay?"
"Awwwww…but I wanna watch The Scary Monkey Show." Gir pouted.
"I'll TeVo it so you can watch it later, Gir." Shinigami said giving his head a pat, "Right now, we hafta let the Evil Death Bee pick the next victim."
"Ho kay." Gir sighed, staring at the floor, "…really wanna watch it now tho'."
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"ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLRIGHTY! The next sacrifice to the Stool O' Disaster isss…XELLOSS THE MAZOKU! COME ONNNNNNN DOWN!"
The purple hair mage strode down thee stairs, his robes billowing out behind him, pausing only to hop over the still unconscious Kuwabara to make his way to the stool and take a seat.
"Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!"
"Hm?" The Trickster Priest gazed around to determine where the voice had originate but had no success so he settled himself into the stool.
"Xelloss...he takes ballroom dancing!"
"Yes I do!" Xelloss said, looking mildly surprised, "Gourry and I are dance partners!"
There was a loud explosion from the audience followed by Lina's infuriated screaming and hysterical laughter from Zelgadis as a charbroiled Gourry ran for his life.
"What?" Xelloss shrugged, looking around.
"Xelloss...he was dropped on his head as a child!"
"Okay, WHY does everyone assume that to be a bad thing?" Xelloss huffed, hands on his hips, "That just HAPPENS to be my case!"
"...you are beyond anyone's help..."
"You'd be surprised how many people have told me that!" the mazoku grinned genially.
"I highly doubt that! Xelloss...he has a pink Care Bear that he sleeps with every night!"
"No, actually, it's a Barney plushie." Xelloss informed The Disembodied Voice.
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That bit of information cause Shinigami Goumon to drop the mike and shrink away from it as though it was covered in something foul for a moment before willing herself back to it to continue the bash.
"...you frighten me..."
"Thank you!" The Trickster Priest said with smile.
"Xelloss...he likes hot pink nail polish!"
"Yeah, I do!" Xelloss said happily, looking at his glittering purply pink nails, "But, then I realized that I'm more of a fuschia."
"And I dare say it looks positively smashing on you."
"Thank you!" Xelloss replied with a grin.
"DON'T ENCOURAGE HIS BEHAVIOR!" Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis and Amelia shouted from the audience.
"Xelloss...Dr. Phil & Oprah couldn't help him!"
"I don't see why people think I need help!" Xelloss scowled, "Well, at least Dr. Phil will be able to think about that in the Looney Bin with that androgynous little skag, Duo Maxwell! HAHAHAHA!"
"..."
"Yes?" Xelloss answered sweetly.
"...once again...you frighten me…a feat that should be impossible. Xelloss...he thinks Rosie O'Donnell is hawt!"
"She IS hot!" Xelloss cried enthusiastically, "Too bad she doesn't swing my way!"
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Shinigami Goumon was, for the first time in history, lost for words. She just stared in a mixture of horror, disgust and disbelief at the violet haired mazoku seated below.
"…seriously?"
"Y-"
"For the love of all things anime don't answer that. Xelloss...he went to cheerleading camp."
"And I got the spirit award!" Xelloss beamed, tearing off his outer robes to reveal a blindingly Barbie pink cheerleading uniform complete with pom-poms, "Want me to do a cheer?"
Falling out of her spinny chair and taking the mike with her, Shinigami was dumbfounded…and horrified at the idea of subliminal mind control through cheers; she had never had a roast go like this before.
"Dear god no."
"Oh, come on!" Xelloss pouted, going down on his knees and clasping his hands together, "Pleeeeeeeeeeease?"
"NO!"
"Okay..." Xelloss said, looking far too sad given the situation.
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"Xelloss...his favorite movie is The Hot Chick."
"You like that movie, too?" Xelloss asked, still in his cheerleading uniform, crossing his skirt covered thighs as he sat back down on the stool, "Neat!"
"Sheesh, this is probably the first time in the history of this show I've aimed off target every shot and gotten a bullseye every time!"
"And to commemorate this historic event, here's this beautiful placard!" The M.I.W.'s announced, causing the audience to break into applause as the Hostess shot out of her booth, and tearfully accepted it.
"Thank you all!" she sobbed, "I'd like to thank the academy, Gir, the Evil Death Bee, HoD, Laith, Banshee, my reviewers and most of all…Xelloss for making this possible!"
"You're welcome!" Xelloss said in a singsong voice skipping around the stage in a very Valley Girl way.
"But I am nonetheless irked by your existence." Shinigami said with a malevolent grin, "And therefore you must be eliminated!"
She then dove on the poor unsuspecting male-cheerleader/nail-polish-wearer/Rosie O'Donnell Lover with a hacksaw and proceeded to cut his head open…to reveal a little African American man with demented teeth bopping back and forth to a rap beat.
"Yo beyotch…this yo brain on drugs!" the Mini Man cried, "Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-shit son!"
"Eew!" Shinigami squealed looking positively delighted as she pulled the little dude out of Xelloss's head and fed him to Gir with an exclamation of, "Here Gir, brains!"
"Yaaaaaaay! Braaaaaaaaaaaaains!" Gir cheered gobbling the Mini Man up happily.
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"And now onto HoD with our field report!" Shinigami said cheerfully as she scooped Gir up and watched with delight as the drooling body of Xelloss was hauled offstage by the M.I.W.'s.
The big screen came down from the ceiling once more as Shinigami re-entered the control room and with a small crackle came to life.
Gliding once again on her skates the peculiar dragoness known as HoD, was munching happily on a cookie as Shinigami spoke up.
"Hmm hm hm…oh HoD, are you ready yet?" she asked offhandedly, handing Gir a soda and grabbing herself a bottle of pomegranate juice (weird drink for an even weirder girl)
"Hnuh? Oh yuppers! My prey is just around the corner! Shall I get her now?" HoD chimed grinning up at the hostess.
"Yes please!" Shinigami smirked wickedly as she hung her plaque on the wall next to a shrunken head (as to whose head it is…well…we'll just leave that to your imagination)
"Okie dokie then!" she said speeding off stuffing the remnants of the cookie in her mouth, then coming to a screeching halt behind a rather powerful looking woman.
"HOWDY!" she screamed behind the woman who, very startled, then swung around to hit HoD, only to totally miss her target.
"Woop! Can have you messing me up, 'cause then I couldn't have you on the show!" HoD snickered mischievously.
"Show? What show?" the woman, known as Tifa asked readying her self for a fight, "And, who, or what are you? Are you a Shinra monster?"
"Oh relax, I'm not a Shinra monster as you said." HoD laughed, waving her hand dismissively, "I'm the Field Correspondent for a show called Know Your Stars: FREE FOR ALL! And you're our next focus!"
"Really?" Tifa asked, looking puzzled "I've never heard of it."
"Thats because its mainly viewed by demons." HoD smirked, anticipation growing, "Anyhoo, lets get started!"
"Demons...?" Tifa said as a sense of doom filled over her and she was sucked into a strange ball filled with levers.
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"Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars! Know Your Stars!" HoD sang, not wasting anytime, "Tifa…she wears padded bras cause she's got flat as a two by four!"
"WHAT?" Tifa screamed indignantly, "I DO TOO HAVE A CHEST!"
From somewhere out side the ball "HA! I TOTALLY KNEW IT!" yelled a ninja woman with a large weapon.
"Yuffie! That's not fair!" Tifa cried desperately, "Get me outta here!"
"I don't thinks so Lady Stuffs-A-Lot!" HoD taunted, hovering in the blackness just out of reach of Tifa, "This is my world and you aint goin no where!"
She pulled down a lever, dropping a ton of toilet paper on top of the fuming woman.
"I'm gonna kill you woman!" Tifa shrieked, spitting out a mouthful of paper, "Where's my materia? I'll burn you to cinders or shock you to death or…or something!"
"Can't have that!" HoD crowed, "You're just mad cause everyone knows those things are fake…like your hair!"
"What?" Tifa snapped, "What did you just say about my hair?"
"You heard right people!" HoD sang in sadistic joy, " Tifa…she steals hair from others to make a wig cause she's balding!"
"I am not BALDING!" Tifa screeched writhing around in the TP frantically in her attempt to get at the dragoness, "YOU CRAZY WHORE! JUST WAIT'LL CLOUD GETS HERE!"
"Oh but he is here." HoD smirked, "And he is loving this, aren't you?"
"I must say this is pretty funny." Cloud remarked from outside the vortex.
"Traitor!" Tifa fumed, "Cloud, you're such a traitor!"
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"Awwwww!" HoD cooed mockingly, "Wittle Tifa Wifa's up set cause Cloudy Woudy likes watching her get embarrassed, poor thing..."
As she spoke she unleashed yet another barrage of toilet paper on the girl, burying her still further.
"I'll kill you!" Tifa screamed, now fighting her way up from under two tons of TP.
"With what? Your materia?" HoD asked mockingly, floating right in front of Tifa's face, "That wont work here, and you don't carry a gun or anything like that either, you don't even like them do you?"
"What does that have anything to do with?' Tifa shouted, spitting out little pieces of paper.
"Well I was just pointing something out." HoD remarked, "Because- Tifa…she hates guns and all those who use them!"
"I do not!" Tifa screamed, turning white, "My friend has a gun for an ARM! I have absolutely nothing against them!"
"But Tifa, why don't you call this gun arm man your boyfriend? He is isn't he?" HoD asked an evil smile on her face.
"Barret? Well, uhh, I um dunno I guess." Tifa said sheepishly.
"Tifa? Ya don' really like me?" a black man cooed into the up into the sphere, very out of character for him.
"Of course I do Barret! Its just…" Tifa trailed off.
"No I get it, I'll be okay, sniff, gun hater..." he said sulking of, as Cloud rolled his eyes at him.
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"Barret its not like that!" Tifa cried, stuggling even harder, "Lemme outta here, dammit! You're ruining everything!"
"Hmmm lemme think...nawwww this is too much fun!" HoD grinned.
"Barret! Come back! Why YOU!" Tifa shouted launching herself at HoD who pulled down a lever with a picture of a big gloved hand on it.
From nowhere a hands shot, first knocking the padding from Tifa, then pulling off a very well seated wig from her head.
"Gah! M-my padding! My hair! " she started sobbing in the corner before charging one more time, this time being grabbed by the hands.
"What this? A pin?" HoD said wickedly before reading it aloud, "It says, 'Gun Haters of the World Unite! Down With Guns!'"
"Oh? And whats this?" HoD asked, noticing a pamphlet in Tifa's back pocket.
"No, not that!" she screeched trying to snatch it up but too little too late.
"Do-It-Yourself-Prosthetic-Arms: Just 20 Easy Steps?" HoD read aloud making sure Barret heard.
"Tifa, how could you! " Barret yelled back up to her.
"Alright! ALRIGHT!" Tifa cried throwing her arms into the air, "So I think your arm creepy, okay? Happy now?"
"I know I am!" HoD grinned happily, "And I am outta time! I'll see you guys later! There's gonna be some perturbed people here! BYE!"
She waved as Tifa sulked, Barret sobbed, and Yuffie and Cloud laughed their asses off.
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(A/N: So who'll be up to bat next time? You'll have to R&R to find out! Until next chappie!)