Disclaimer: Same as before.
A/N: Thank you for all of your kind reviews!
Chapter Two: Shindou Hikaru
Tokyo, Japan
It was early Saturday morning. Shindou Hikaru, his face, a mask of resolution, sat cross-legged on the faded beige rug in the middle of his room absorbed on the task before him. His bleached blond bangs fell softly over his eyes as he leaned slightly forward to take a closer look at the formation on the upper left corner of the go board. His hand stroked thoughtfully under his chin as he pondered the moves on the board thus far. His gray-green eyes exuded a look of grim determination as he lifted a white stone from the bowl and placed it rather forcefully on an intersection, the stone making a crisp pa-chi! as it made contact with the wooden board.
On one end of the room, there was a small television set and a VCR with which Hikaru used to record his favorite animes. In a glowing green font, the VCR's display indicated that the current time was 8:02.
Normally, Hikaru would have slept in on Saturday mornings unless he was expected at an obligatory professional function. However, he could not sleep. In fact, he had not been able to get a good night's sleep this entire week because his dreams were haunted.
A pair of unforgiving hazel eyes gazed steadily at him over a go board. Those eyes stared unblinkingly at him, as if intent on burning a hole through his soul, intent on snuffing out his spirit and intent on destroying the thing that he held most dear.
Hikaru would wake in a cold sweat, unable to fall asleep again. Hikaru knew whom those eyes belonged to.
Ko Yongha.
Hikaru knew that he would not be able to rest until he came to terms with what happened last week. In his dreams, Ko Yongha's eyes mercilessly taunted him, reminding Hikaru of his humiliating defeat and his inability to defend Honinbou Shuusaku and Sai's honor.
I need a way to destroy those eyes - in my dreams and in this game against him, Hikaru thought as he continued to alternately play black and white stones onto his go board. (1)
Gradually the game took shape, the black and white stones convalesced into an intricate pattern that Hikaru recognized immediately for he must have recreated it hundreds of times this week. It was the game that was played between him and Ko Yongha at the Hokuto Cup last week, the game where he lost by half a moku.
It was not Hikaru's intention to recreate the exact game over and over again, but it usually ended up that way. Every since his disappointing loss to Ko Yongha, he had been spending an inordinate amount of time each day in his room obsessively playing out variations of that game. He went as far as avoiding contact with his friends and canceling his weekly private matches with Touya. He needed his personal space. Nothing was going to distract him from fully analyzing this all-important game. He only stepped briefly out of his room when it was time for his regular games at the Japanese Go Institute and for other necessities.
Hikaru raked his eyes carefully over the yet unfinished game on the board. Like he had done so for countless times this week, Hikaru began to ask himself "what if" questions over the decisions that he made during his match with Ko Yongha. What if I had extended here instead of cutting there? What if I had jumped there instead of connecting here? What if I had defended here instead of launching a daring attack there? What if, what if, WHAT IF!?!
Hikaru knew that he was engaging in a pointless exercise, because if he had played a hand differently, Ko Yongha would certainly have responded differently as well. Hikaru reached out with his right hand for one of the many Ko Yongha kifus that were littered around his bedroom floor. No matter how many kifus he looked at, Hikaru was still too unfamiliar with Ko Yongha's distinctive Korean style to anticipate how his opponent would have countered his "what if" moves. Therefore, Hikaru would inevitably end up recreating the exact game that was played out between them at the Hokuto Cup. Even so, Hikaru was like a man possessed. He could not seem to stop himself from trying to recreate variations of the game where he might have overlooked a crucial move and could have won. Because, he wanted to win so very badly, just like that time when he wanted to win so very badly against Isumi at the pro examination.
Hikaru slouched dejectedly in front of his go board and ran a frustrated hand through his blond bangs. His eyes hurt from excessive straining over the board and he still was not making any significant progress in his analysis. Sighing tiredly, Hikaru shuffled the kifus carelessly into a pile. He did not want to look at another kifu. He felt burnt out.
As Hikaru reached for the last sheet of kifu from his left, his eyes caught sight of the classical Japanese fan that lay serenely next to the go board.
Sai.
Hikaru reached out his left hand and lightly traced an invisible line down the fan's wooden frame. It was a bittersweet memento from his friend, teacher and mentor. He always kept it close to him during his professional games, ever since his dream of the Heian ghost. Even now, one year after Sai's disappearance, Hikaru could feel the wall that he had so carefully constructed around his emotions threatening to crumble whenever he thought of Sai. How Sai had wordlessly vanished without a trace. How Sai had left without saying goodbye...
Hikaru sniffed quietly. He had gotten so used to seeing Sai's smiling face and childish antics that his heart ached with loneliness whenever he sat idly in his room. That was why he always played. When he played, he could feel Sai's presence within him, ever so gently guiding his game, softly admonishing him whenever he made a mistake. Hikaru raised his right hand to angrily wipe away at the tears that surfaced of its own accord. I thought I was over this, Hikaru thought furiously, angry at his weakness.
Sai. Once again, I have failed you, Hikaru thought, utterly depressed. The sparkle of liveliness that was usually present in Hikaru's eyes was dulled by a film of unhappiness. I wish that god would take pity and give me another chance! If it was Touya, I could have asked for a rematch any day, but what am I suppose to do when the opponent is hundreds of miles away? Sai. This hurts so much. Do I really have to wait until next year's Hokuto Cup? I don't think my sanity will last that long, Hikaru thought, his shoulders slumped and his misery apparent. Unbidden, visions of his humiliating defeat at the hands of Ko Yongha and the hazel eyes from his dream came in full force to mock him.
"That bastard! I can't believe I lost to that BASTARD!!" Hikaru spat forcefully. He squinted his eyes shut in pain and sobbed uncontrollably while tightly clenching his fists.
In his frustration, Hikaru pounded his fists repeatedly and heavily on the floor, knocking over a bowl of black go stones in the process. Hikaru stared speechlessly at the mess he had just created. The black stones stood out in stark relief to the beige of the rug as they lay scattered on the floor. It looked like a smear of ink on a pristine piece of parchment - just like the smear on Shuusaku and Sai's good name, Shindou thought despondently.
"Hikaru?" Shindou Mitsuko called worriedly from somewhere downstairs. "Is everything alright up there?"
Hikaru was too wrapped up within his internal turmoil to hear his mother's worried voice.
"Hikaru?" Mitsuko called a little louder when she received no response. Mitsuko pressed a hand to her forehead, uncertain what to do about her fifteen year old son. Through the persuasion of her husband and her father-in-law, Mitsuko resignedly accepted the fact that Hikaru has chosen the path of a professional go player and will no longer continue his studies at school. She sighed. She had watched, without comment, ever from the sidelines as her energetic little boy grew up into a self-possessed young man. As time passed, Hikaru became more and more entrenched in go. At the same time, go was taking more and more of the little boy that she used to know away from her.
She didn't understand go. She didn't understand her son's obsession with go. But, one thing she did understand was that she wanted her son to be happy above all else, even if it meant giving him up to go.
One thing about Hikaru that had not changed over the years was his inability to hide his emotions, Mitsuko thought with a small smile. His face was an open book. I can see the pain, the loneliness and the sadness in his eyes, but why in one so young? I can't even begin to fathom the reason. I don't know my own son.
The last time that this happened, Hikaru's slump lasted for five months, Mitsuko thought with rising concern. I was so shocked and sick with worry when he told me that he wanted to quit playing professionally. The slump finally came to a halt when that shy young man showed up one day to visit. What was his name again? Mitsuko's brow wrinkled in thought. Maybe I should ask him to visit.
Mitsuko looked anxiously up at the now silent room. She had made a decision. Even for Hikaru, his behavior this week was way too strange.
"Hikaru? I'm coming up right now," Mitsuko called out as she started to walk up the stairs. She was determined to have that long over-due talk with her son.
Hikaru finally snapped to attention upon hearing his mother's approaching footsteps. He didn't want her to see his puffy eyes and his distraught demeanor. It was just too embarrassing. He panicked. All traces of anger vanished. Hurriedly, he called out in what he hoped to be his normal sounding voice, "I'm ok mom, I accidentally slipped on a go stone and fell down. It's no big deal."
Mitsuko frowned at the response. What she heard before certainly didn't sound like someone falling, but maybe she was mistaken? "Are you sure? Are you hurt? Did you sprain anything? You don't sound too good."
"No mom! I'm fine," Hikaru said firmly while stifling a sniffle. He was willing his mother to turn around and leave him alone.
Mitsuko stood hesitantly outside the closed door and asked with concern, "Do you need help cleaning your room?"
"No mom! I told you before. I don't want you to touch my stuff up here, because once you clean, I'll never be able to find anything again!"
"Fine, but if you trip in your room again, I'm going to come up and clean regardless of what you say."
"Yeah, yeah, fine! Whatever," Hikaru grumbled loudly. Inwardly, he felt a tinge of guilt for dismissing his mother so rudely since he knew she was only worried. After meeting Yashiro, a shodan (1-dan) from the Kansai Go Institute, at the member selection tournament of the Hokuto Cup, Hikaru finally realized how lucky he was to have supportive parents. To Yashiro's extreme disappointment, Yashiro's parents remained stubbornly steadfast in their opposition to his decision to become a pro. They believed that there was no future in the world of go. Hikaru cannot understand how anyone could feel that way, but who cares; he has enough problems of his own.
Mitsuko sighed deeply and thought, so much for having that talk. She shook her head resignedly and returned to her task of preparing breakfast. She wondered idly how Hikaru managed to find anything in that disaster area.
Inside the bedroom, Hikaru took out some tissues from his drawers and proceeded to blow his nose and dry his eyes. The sudden surge and dissipation of emotion left him drained and deflated. Wearily, Hikaru knelt down next to the black go stones that remained scattered on the beige rug.
It really does look like a smear of ink, Hikaru thought. Slowly, he picked up a stone and dropped it back into the wooden bowl.
Sai, I don't know why Ko Yongha went out of his way to tarnish your name and reputation. I just know that he insulted you in front of the whole world and that was AB-SO-LUTE-LY unforgivable, Hikaru thought heatedly, some of his earlier anger returning. It is a simple matter to remove the stones off this rug, Hikaru thought as he continued to pick the stones off the floor. However, as for the smear on your name . . . if only, if only I can make it go away . . . damn that Ko Yongha! Hikaru thought angrily, unconsciously clenching a black stone that he had just picked up and pressed it tightly into his fist. But, I failed. Hikaru hung his head in defeat. His hand relaxed its grip and the black stone fell unheedingly onto the rug. Sai, if only I was stronger, Hikaru lamented.
Hikaru stood up and went to plop gracelessly face down onto his bed.
I am SO pathetic, Hikaru thought as he buried his face deep into his pillow. No matter how many times I tried to recreate that game with Ko Yongha, I just can't convince myself that I could have won. Hikaru thumped his fists and feet against the mattress repeatedly, just like a child would have done in the midst of a tantrum. Finally, he lay exhausted on his bed.
That was REALLY mature, Hikaru thought after he was done beating up his mattress. But, I do feel better. Hikaru sighed wearily.
Hikaru blanked his mind and laid motionless with his face still buried in his pillow for several moments before he finally had to come up for air. His nose was still stuffed up from the crying earlier.
Hikaru plopped on his bed again. This time he lay on his back with his arms resting behind his head. From his vantage point, he could see the cloudless blue skies, which were clear for as far as the eye could see. Shafts of dazzling sunlight danced playfully before his eyes as the leaves of the trees outside his window swayed gently with the light morning breeze. All in all, today was a fine day.
It's so peaceful that it's eerie, Hikaru thought as he breathed deeply in the fresh morning air.
Sai, when you disappeared, I finally realized that I was just a selfish little kid who took everything for granted. I was so blind. I did not see your pain and your fear of fading into nonexistence, Hikaru thought as he took another deep breath. I think, subconsciously, I sensed the negative energy emanating from you and knew that something was wrong. Yet, I ignored it. I did not want to know about it. I did not want to see it. All I wanted to do was concentrate on my go, on catching up to Touya, and on my budding professional career. I did not have the time to worry about a moody Heian ghost. After all, you had already lived through two lifetimes and had been around for over a thousand years. Even after I am gone, you will be around for at least thousands more. Whatever was troubling you will work itself out - or so I thought.
Then, you vanished.
It hurt. God, it hurt so much.
I felt my world collapsed around me. You were my anchor and my pillar of strength. You were supposed to be my eternal companion, never to leave my side, Hikaru thought as he stared at the clear blue skies, willing his emotions to be as calm as the scenery before him.
Sai. Even now, I continue to behave selfishly. Because I wanted to play against Ko Yongha, Touya was forced to suffer the humiliation of playing second board against Korea. I owe him an explanation, but I don't know how to tell him without telling him the whole truth. I don't think he is ready to accept the truth about you and me, Sai. My friendship with Touya is still too new, too fragile. We haven't been on speaking terms until this past year and I don't want to jeopardize that friendship now.
Deep inside the innermost recesses of Hikaru's heart, there was another reason why he could not tell Touya about Sai. It laid so close to Hikaru's heart that even Hikaru himself refused to consciously acknowledge it.
Sai belonged to him and to him alone.
Sai was something so precious to Hikaru that he wanted to hog Sai greedily all to himself. He did not want to share. He was the one destined to carry on Sai's legacy. That was why he always had an excuse why he could not tell Touya about Sai. That was why he must win against Ko Yongha at all costs. That was why, after the match, his tears of regret fell freely and refused to stop.
"Hikaru, a player's worth is measured by his strength in go alone. All else is irrelevant. The road to the mastery of go is a never ending one. Never give up," a familiar voice whispered faintly to him while the morning breeze gently caressed his hair, teasing it playfully. Hikaru's head shot up at the nostalgic voice.
Sai?!
Hikaru quickly stood and frantically scanned the room for signs of Sai. He looked under his bed, under his desk, inside his closet. He even peeked inside the VCR's tape slot just to be sure that he covered his bases, but the Heian ghost was nowhere to be found. The room was as it was - the pale blue curtains fluttered lightly with the breeze, black go stones were scattered on the rug, several messy piles of kifus were stacked haphazardly around the desk area, and back issues of the Weekly Go were left carelessly here and there.
Hikaru closed his eyes and carefully listened for the slightest sound in his room. He heard the rustling of the leaves outside, the cheerful chirping of little birds, the sound of people talking as they walked passed his house and the faint clanging sound of pots and pans from the kitchen downstairs. But, he did not hear Sai's voice.
Argh! Hikaru thought to himself as he pushed his hands roughly through his hair. His expression was a mixture of hope and despair. What's wrong with me? I can't do this anymore. I'll go insane! Or, am I insane already?! Hikaru thought as he held his head between his hands. Even after one year, Sai, I still miss you dearly, Hikaru thought sadly.
Hikaru looked wistfully at the go board. Sai was so happy when I got that go board from grandpa, Hikaru thought, a hint of a smile on his lips. He ran around the room like an eager little puppy for five whole minutes before he finally settled down to play. Hikaru could clearly imagine Sai's excited features and Sai's familiar pleading voice in his head, "Ne ne ne! Hikaru, Hikaruuuuu! Let's play! Let's play! Let's plaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!" Those were the happy days. Hikaru wished those days would return, but it was not to be.
Hikaru stood in the middle of the room with his arms wrapped around himself and closed his eyes. If he thought about it hard enough, it almost felt like Sai was embracing him. The mild breeze that had been caressing his hair felt almost like Sai patting him affectionately on the head telling him not to worry and that everything would be alright. Hikaru relaxed and gave free rein to his imagination. He could almost feel Sai's presence in the room.
Sai, I know that you would not want to see me weep from a loss. I have to move on. I have to stand on my own two feet instead of relying on your strength. I know that you will always live within my game. I know that you are proud of me for I felt the warmth of your benevolent smile in my dream. Although I cannot see you anymore, somehow I just know that you are out there somewhere, perhaps in the next realm, waiting patiently for the day when you get a chance to play again - to reach that lofty goal - the hand of god. If anyone deserved to attain that ultimate level of enlightenment, it should be you, Sai. Hikaru reflected quietly, his spirit strangely lifted and calmed by an image of a smiling Sai in his mind.
Ko Yongha. I might have lost a battle, but the war is far from over. When we meet at the next Hokuto Cup, I will be ready for you, Hikaru thought fiercely. He shifted his gaze over to the go board and looked affectionately at the classical Japanese fan lying serenely next to it.
I will sleep well tonight, Hikaru thought with a smile.
Hikaru glanced down at the black go stones that remained scattered on the rug. If Sai really was here, he would be horrified to see go stones strewn across the room, Hikaru thought ruefully. In swift motions born of practice, Hikaru scooped up the stones and dropped them lightly into the wooden bowl. Hikaru grimaced at the messy piles of kifus and the back issues of weekly go that sat at various corners of his room. Maybe later, he thought with a grin.
"Hikaru! Come down for breakfast!" Mitsuko called from the bottom of the stairs. "Hikaru!"
"Alright already! I'm coming!" Hikaru called as he walked briskly down the stairs.
In the middle of Hikaru's room, a pair of beautiful violet-colored eyes phased into existence exactly on the spot where Hikaru stood. It watched longingly at Hikaru's back as Hikaru stepped out of the room. Slowly, a pair of well-shaped plum-colored lips materialized below the eyes, showing a ghost of a smile. The eyes shifted its gaze towards the tranquil blue skies. A ray of brilliant sunlight shone on the mysterious eyes and lips as the sun suddenly appeared from its hiding place high above. Then, everything became as it was. The pale blue curtains continued to flutter delicately in the empty room.
(1) There is a double meaning here. I'm not very familiar with go, but I do know that if your stones form "two eyes," your group will live regardless of what your opponent did. In a game between pros such as Hikaru and Yongha, whether a particular group lived or died can determine the outcome of the game. In case I was being too subtle here, I was trying to say that Hikaru was trying to find a way to kill Yongha's group and if there was a way, Hikaru might have been able to win the match.
A/N: Details, details, details. I'm so obsessed with writing details and delving into the character's psyche (even with some of the minor ones) that as a result, my story is crawling at a snail's pace. -.-; However, I see this as a necessary evil since we need to know exactly what Yongha and Hikaru were thinking right after the Hokuto Cup right??
Hikaru is a pretty complicated character to portray. I see him as having matured quite a bit since Sai's disappearance and the Hokuto Cup competition. But yet, he is still prone to fits of childishness and can be extremely emotional. Poor Hikaru, he still does not know that he will meet Yongha sooner than he thinks. He really should be practicing with Akira instead of moping in his room. ha ha ha...
Sai, I LOVE Sai. I was so sad when he disappeared and I was hysterically crying during the dream sequence between him and Hikaru. lachesis busts out her hankie I don't know how big Sai's part is. He may or may not appear again. It all depends on how the story goes.
So far, the first two chapters are slow because they set up for things to come. I'm going to try to pick up the pace a bit in the next chapter. Expect more things to happen!!
Of course, comments are always welcomed! :-)