The last words you ever wrote to me will forever be ingrained in my mind. Once tattooed in blue ink, washed away only by time, I'll never forget. I'm sorry, I love you...
We have never met. I've never heard your voice; I can only imagine your comforting words in a melodic rhythm that replays in my mind. Each word, every letter that littered my arms and legs, I cherish and are buried inside the precious box of memories I keep locked away.
Two years. It has been two years since I placed a pen to my skin. Two years since you received a reply to the never-ending enquiries.
I have never loved someone as I've loved you. I know you will never understand. I know you will never know how truly my love runs deeply for you. But I can only hope you will someday forgive me.
Once there was a time when I felt that I had the world at my fingertips. When everything I wanted was a flick of a pen away. A dream to one day share the court. Whether as teammates or as opponents.
I can only imagine what my past self would be thinking right now. Endless sleepless nights, filled with bruises and comforting messages, smudged away at the sound of footsteps.
Bright eyed and covered in bruises, never once had Karasuno ever crossed my mind. A team filled with loud noises and bright smiles. A stark contrast to the years spent with cold glares and poorly concealed whispers.
However, the most unexpected newest addition to my routine was the orange middle blocker. Silence was a concept so foreign to me now. Empty nights filled with a sea of text messages and late volleyball practices. I could still remember the echo of the ball as it hit against the wall of the empty gymnasium.
"Kageyama!" A pair of small rough hands gripped my jacket sleeve. Spun around, a tuft of orange hair clouded my vision.
"Dumbass, what the hell are you doing?"
Without answering me, grinning from ear to ear, he dashed away, a blur of orange and black. Without a second thought, my legs carried me across the courtyard, heart pumping as I closed the short distance between us.
"I win again. That's 103 for me now Kageyama." In between pants, bent over, I could sense the grin in his voice.
"Because you cheated dumbass!" Glowering, a pocket of silence made its way into the air as a cool winter breeze brushed across the courtyard.
"How do you guys have so much energy this early in the morning?" A voice interrupted.
Suga approached with Daichi, hands intertwined, the small knot in my chest grew ever so slightly tighter with each step.
"Good morning Suga." Standing to attention, with a spring to his step, Hinata followed in wordlessly into the clubroom.
As the rest of the team filtered in, an odd calmness, paired with the cool draft, released the tension building inside my muscles. My eyes glanced over to the tangerine, in the midst of a heated conversation with Noya and Tanaka, hands spread wide and frantic. A grin so wide, I wondered how it was humanly possible.
As the ball brushed across the pads of my fingertips, clenching it within the clasp of both my hands, satisfaction settled in the pit of stomach. An undeterred happiness floated within the walls of the gymnasium.
"Kageyama! Toss to me." As I served the ball in air and slammed it across the court, Hinata found his place next to me.
With Hinata, volleyball seemed effortless, yet at the same time, every move must be carefully calculated. To find a partner, who matches you in endurance and passion, is a fantasy only few can say are reality. Yet to find two in a lifetime seemed curated by fate.
Each toss was met with a spike of equal passion and a jump so high; I could picture the wings on his back. A radiant white, to match with a smile so bright, it was blinding.
"All right guys, time to pack up." With a clap of his hands, Daichi garnered our attention.
Nodding in resignation, Hinata was pulled into a budding conversation with Suga as they rolled the net. Similarly, Yamaguchi initiating one of his own as we collected the discarded balls.
"Everything okay Kageyama?" Throwing another ball into the cart, "you've been staring at Hinata pretty much all of practice."
"Yeah. Everything's fine." Directing his attention back to the tangerine, "just Hinata being a dumbass."
With that, a comfortable silence once again took over the conversation. Had I really been placing all my attention on him? No one has ever consumed my attention this way before. No one but him. I had promised myself never to divide my focus on anyone but him. Despite our distance, despite my continued resistance to ever talk to him again. I won't break it now.
"Yama! Let's eat lunch together." Only nodding in confirmation, he dashed away to the clubroom as I walked at snails pace, mulling over unsaid words.
Morning lessons were usually reserved for napping. As the teacher continued to speak on matters which held no interest to me, my mind drifted back to bittersweet memories. A time where I grew accustomed to pain and precious words which I held in comfort. A time where I happily writhed in pain as you lay ignorant far away writing sweet nothings.
I can only wonder on what you are doing right now. Are you sat in a classroom just like me? Mulling over the many unsaid confessions of love I garnered. But you wouldn't know, would you? As I selfishly contained my true feelings, I was met with undeserved kindness and understanding. Unapologetic as you recounted your day and always asking about my own, never forgetting to bare down your affection.
Thoughtlessly making plans for the future, when I knew deep down, I could not share this lifetime with you, and for you to remain happy by my side.
The hairs on my arms stood to attention as a hand slammed down loudly onto the desk. Arm burning as I imagined you standing in front of me, except I was only met with a familiar pair of brown irises.
"Come on Yama." Tugging at my sleeve, "it's lunch time."
Following him to the roof, briefly stopping at the vending machine to grab milk, Hinata never once stopped recounting his weekend plans with Natsu. It was oddly comforting listening to his animated speech, a brief break from troubling thoughts.
As he munched on his food, for the first time since lunch began, a faraway expression glazed over his pale face.
"What's up with you?"
"Huh? What?" Turning his attention towards me, confusion painting his features.
"You been...acting weird." As I thought carefully on my next words, never one to initiate conversations on emotions, "You aren't sick, are you?"
"No? no, I'm just thinking."
"You? Thinking. Don't hurt yourself."
"Shut up!"
Nestling my hand into the tangle of orange locks, it kept him at bay as he attempted to push against my iron grip. Calming down, he resigned himself into a pout. Returning my attention to my food, out of the corner of my eye, I watched as a series of emotions played across his face. Mouth hanging open as he thought carefully on his next words.
"What do you think about soulmates?"
The onigiri slid from my chopsticks and back into the bento box as I stared back at him. Gaping at him, my mind blank as he sat nervously to the side.
"I...what? What the hell are you talking about?"
"Soulmates. Have you met yours already?"
"No. I don't speak to them."
"What? Why?"
"Because I don't want to talk to them, obviously."
His continued questions were met with silence. It was a topic I refused to continue to entertain. A topic which to this day still sent a stab to the heart. Hinata did not need to know about the many nights spent awake, too afraid of the nightmares that were inevitable to come. He wasn't allowed to know of the broken promises and hearts of the past. Someone as happy as him could never understand the consequences of love.
I stubbornly refused to utter another sentence as we journeyed back to the classroom. To banish the thoughts of further painful memories I diverted my attention surprisingly to the teacher. Although I cannot say I understood most of what was said, I wrote notes on what little was placed on the board.
As Hinata and I walked to the clubroom, his silence settled uncomfortably. The unspoken words rested heavy in the pit of my stomach. Lying was something I had grown accustomed too, but with Hinata it felt like a foreign concept. Bluntness was natural for the both of us, there was never any need to lie to one another. I can only hope this doesn't affect practice.
Dropping my bag onto the floor, I pulled out my shirt and pulled it on as Tsukishima and Yamaguchi walked in tandem.
"What's up with the shrimp?" As we watched Hinata stalk out the room. "Did he grow tired of you, your highness?"
"Shut up Tsukishima. It's none of your business."
Only smirking in reply, I walked out silently.
Shooting a glare as I heard an exaggerated grunt as Hinata slammed another one of my sets to the ground, my patience growing thin. Beads of sweat running down his face, Yachi stood to the side a towel and water bottle ready in each hand.
"Is uh...is Hinata okay, Kageyama?" Tanaka asked, "did something happen between you two?"
"Tch, I don't know what's wrong with the dumbass." Taking another gulp from his water bottle.
If he wanted to be petty, two can play at that game. I didn't have to share anything with him if I didn't want too. He's got no right being angry. He couldn't possibly understand anything anyway, he'll get to find his soulmate and live a happy life. Not everyone is that lucky.
"Hinata, is everything okay?" Daichi taking the initiative, approached the middle blocker.
"Yes captain." He said simply, not offering anymore to the conversation, he sat on the floor placing the towel over his mane of orange locks.
A tense atmosphere shadowed over practice as few words were exchanged between us all. With the exception of grunts and hushed whispers, there was silence. It continued until the end of practice. Cleaning the gym, Hinata and I for once did not race across the court.
"Alright guys, meat buns are on me." Daichi stated as we followed him to Sakanoshita's.
Hinata and I lagged behind the rest of the group. Growing restless from the absence of his usual chatter, I stopped and turned to him, grabbing his elbow.
"What is wrong with you?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Sure dumbass, and while you're at it you're amazing at receives."
"Hey! I am."
Only raising a brow in reply, he sighed deeply and crossed his arms.
"Can I ask you something?" His voice cautious and he refused to look me in the eye.
"What?"
"It's about my soulmate."
"Spit it out dumbass."
"How do you stop thinking about them?"
"What?" My eyes grew wide, and I stared at him, my jaw dropping as he continued looking at the ground.
"I haven't spoken to him in two years. And it hurts. I don't know what I did wrong, Kageyama." He finally lifted his head, staring at me with glistening eyes.
"I-uh..."
Dumbfounded, I stared at him wordlessly. What exactly are you supposed to do when someone's crying? I felt his arms wrap around my torso, his body warm as a cool breeze blew past.
"Sorry. I just-it's getting close to his birthday, and-" he said, voice muffled.
"It's fine, dumbass."
We stood there silently for a second. What kind of idiot stops talking to Hinata? He may be a dumbass but...he's comfortable to be around. Anyone would be lucky to have him as their soulmate. Then again, I suppose I of all people can't say that. I wonder if you still care for me like this. Crying for the mistakes I made. Or do you hate me? I don't blame you if you do. I deserve it. I'm sorry you were paired with a coward. I'm sorry you were paired with someone who couldn't possibly deserve you. I'm so sorry.
"Hey! Are you two love birds done?" A familiar voice said in the distance, "your meat buns are getting cold. Hurry up before we eat them."
Springing apart we dashed the short distance grabbed one each. Munching happily, the warmth settled in my stomach.
"Alright guys, rest up. We have to be up early for the drive to Tokyo." Daichi announced.
"Tokyo?" I asked, "since when were we going to Tokyo?"
"Since last week, Kageyama!" Hinata exclaimed, "weren't you listening to coach?"
"Course I was dumbass! I was just checking to see if you did."
"Sure Kageyama." He grinned teasingly. "I'm so excited. I can finally see Kenma, I wanna show him the new game I got."
As the group slowly dwindled, the two of us the last to leave, I sipped the last of my milk before finally depositing it in the bin.
"Hey Kageyama," Hinata said, he fiddled with the strap of his bag and looked expectantly at me with a soft smile.
"Yeah?"
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"Being you."