Disclaimer: I don't own the show, just this story. I also don't own the lyrics to 'solitude' by Evanescence either.
A/N: Well, after a bit of an episode at school I decided to write this to help me work through some of my own emotions. This is basically my feelings regarding someone that I know. Not this extreme, mind you, but it gave me the idea to write this. Hope you like it.
Look Like a Butterfly
I watch him as he walks into my art class, binder under his arm, headphones in his ears. He smiles at me and sits down across from me in the small group of desks. I'm his friend you could say as I suppose that should be enough. I don't much about him in the week I've known him. I know his name is Adam and he just moved into the country a couple weeks ago. I know he likes hard rock and heavy metal and I know that he is cynical, sarcastic and witty. I know that I love his accent.
He doesn't talk much about himself, usually leaves the talking to me and Mai unless it's to say something sardonic or explain some of his fascinating theories, beliefs, or thoughts. He doesn't talk about girls much, all I know is that he left one back in England that he cared about a great deal. He's only sixteen but he talks as if he had truly loved her and I wonder half-heartedly if he could ever feel that way about me. I doubt it, but it's fun to hope.
How many times have you told me you love her
As many times as I've wanted to tell you the truth
I laugh at something he says and try not to stare at him with too much adoration in my eyes. I don't really want him to know. I don't want to scare him away with the cold hard truth that I feel like I know him and could love him just as easily. I wish I wasn't so scared but at the same time I am glad. I don't want to destroy what little of a relationship I have with him, if it could even be called that. I think he sees me as a friend, some Canadian girl who's nice to him and makes him feel welcome here, makes the hurt of leaving everything behind a little less sharp. That's what I hope anyway. I could be totally wrong.
How long have I stood here beside you
I live through you
You looked through me
I can still remember the first time I saw him when he nervously sat down where me and Mai were. I've always been freakishly bold and outgoing so the idea of not talking to him was almost ludicrous. That and he was probably one of the most beautiful men I had ever seen. Curly blonde hair with bluish brown eyes that seemed to harbor something of a shadow. I wonder if he's seen things like I have, if he knows what true darkness is. His smile is charming and genuine. I have no doubt that smile could easily kill me.
Time in art passes strange for me. Sometimes it stretches for what seems like hours and sometimes it flies by like minutes. I spend most of my time talking to him, listening to his accent, letting him teach me about himself little by little. I wish I knew more but I hope that I will more over time. His voice lulls me into a in-between place between concentration and utter attention. I could listen to him for hours if only something in his voice didn't make me feel so cold. I can't really explain it. Maybe I'm just fucked.
Ooh, Solitude,
Still with me is only you
The bell rings, slashing through my brain like a gunshot and I'm jerked back to reality. He says something to me, gathers his books and is gone as if he was never standing here in the first place. It sounds cruel of me but in some ways I wish he was. Things seemed simpler then, without all these emotions getting in the way of what I had set out to do.
I see him on my way to met Tea in the front of the school and wave. He returns with one of his smiles and my chest surges. I want to run up to him and tell him everything but I don't dare. I think I would freeze halfway through and run away so I decide to remain politely silent - something that is totally uncharacteristic for me.
Tea stares at me with a knowing glint in her eyes but says nothing. She knows that she doesn't have to. He goes into the peer tutoring room that is occasionally taught at lunch and it's only then that I decide to take my leave, and as I'm walking away I can't shake the feeling of being like a dog and I want to hit myself but I don't.
Ooh, Solitude,
I can't stay away from you
I can feel people's eyes burning to me already and it's not something I want more of. All I can think about is him. Tea tells me something about her classes but I can't concentrate. All I think about is how much I want him to enfold me in his arms, how much I want to feel safe there. But for the moment things are cold and I feel oddly isolated even among my friends. I personally think that I should let Tea give me a good one upside the head but I don't mention it because I know she will.
How many times have I done this to myself
How long will it take before I see
When lunch is finished and I'm back at school I see him again and something inside of me snaps. I want to try and reign it back in but it's far now and I know that something is going to happen but whether it's good or bad is anyone's guess.
"Adam!" I say, walking towards him and smiling. I try to harness the bold vixen within me for what I'm about to do but all I can muster is the shy meek little girl. "What's up?"
"Not much actually." He replied casually and I smile nervously. I know that I have to stop stalling. I know that I have to get it over with or I'll constantly torture myself with 'what-ifs'. I take a huge breath and steel myself.
"Hey, here's a wacky idea - wanna go out with me?" There. I said it. Plain and simple. He looks stunned and a little scared as blinks a couple times, as if disoriented. There's a couple of long seconds where he gets over the initial tank engine hitting him.
"Well, that was like a train hitting me." He's so blunt that I have to laugh a little to myself. "Um… can I think about it and give you an answer after school?"
"Sure." I reply and he nods.
"Ok, met me at my locker then." He says before walking past me. The anxiety is killing me but my hopes are high. I'm almost sure that he's going to yes seeing as it wasn't a flat down 'no.'. I all but cross my fingers like a kid and try not to stare at the clock in cosmetology. It doesn't work so well, but it's a least a start.
When will this hole in my heart be mended
Who now is left alone but me
When the damn bell finally rings I dart out of the classroom, almost leaving a smoke trail behind me. I throw my things into the locker and gather my homework as fast as I can but I force myself to walk slowly to his locker so that it doesn't make me look childish or too eager. It's hard but it pays off when I see him waiting for me. I'm so nervous that I think I'm going to pass out or something. Funny how he can make me so unbelievably shy and out of character. Normally this would be so simple. I smile at him with a mixture of hope and fear.
"You're probably going to hot me but I'm going to say no." He says the words gently but it's about as good as wrapping a demolition ball in tissues. I can feel something in my chest break and I force myself to look at him and fake a smile.
Ooh, Solitude,
Forever me and forever you
"Oh…ok…..why?"
"Well, this is my first time being in a new country so my life seems a little surreal at the moment, that and I'm still getting over my ex back in England." He says the words so easily I mentally wonder if he has a script hidden somewhere in the room. "and frankly I think we're too similar and we would end up trying to tear each other's throats out." He looks regretful but he can't be regretting this as much as me. I fake another smile and try to mask my pain.
"I see…." I reply and to come up with something articulate to say. "Well, if you ever change your mind, you know where to go." He nods and picks up his binder.
Ooh, Solitude,
Only you, only true
"Well, I'll see you tomorrow then." He tried to make it sound normal but I know that something is off. I hope he's not scared of me now. He probably is. The hall is empty and quite and I sit down on the cool floor. I'm caught between wanting to hit myself, wanting to cry and wanting to crawl under a rock. At the moment, I think rock is winning.
The hallway is still quite and I find myself desperately wishing for about a liter of hagen dagz and a spoon. It looks like it's chick flick night for me. With somewhat of an effort I drag myself off the floor and try to reason against the suddenly hollow feeling I have in my chest. I didn't even know him for that long, it's not like I loved the guy or anything…..but despite this reasoning I still felt abandoned.
Everyone leaves me stranded
Forgotten, abandoned, left behind
I can't stay here another night
On my way walking home I see him yet again and I practically flee, praying he doesn't notice me. If he does, he doesn't care about me enough to say anything. I go home and spend the rest of my day sitting in my room. I guess you could say it was a form of self-induced solitary confinement. I just wasn't in the mood for people. I wasn't even in the mood for myself.
By morning I have reached a decision and as I get dressed I steel myself against it. On the whole walk to school that's all I can think about and I let it fuel me. Before even going to me locker I slip into the guidance office and announce my decision to drop the course even though I love it.
Since I was a little kid, art had always been my thing. Art and writing were my two passions but I knew that I just couldn't face him again after yesterday. It would just be to awkward and hard on me. I really want to hit myself and deeply wish that the little son of a bitch stayed in his own frickin' country. I take something else instead, something I don't even really like just to get away from having to face him.
Your secret in my heart
Who could it be
All through second period I wonder what he's thinking, if he misses me at all or is just glad to be rid of me. When I see him coming down the hall at lunch I almost run but instead I just look in the other direction, hoping he doesn't notice me but the black and purple hair gives it away.
"Why weren't you in art you skipper?" I try to smile as I look at him but I just can't. Looking at him in the eye after yesterday was even harder then I thought it would be. All that's going through m mind and heart is the thought of 'this beautiful, charming, witty guy completely turned me down' and the pain that goes with it.
"I dropped the course." I reply and try not to be too icy.
Ooh, Can't you see
All along it was me
"Why? I thought you loved art?" His accent makes me want to melt and makes me want to scream at him until he sees everything that I feel for him but I force my mouth to remain glues shut except for my answer.
"I do." He stops and stares at me with almost a knowing look and it seems a bit of an understanding has gone between us. He nods his head slowly and looked back up at me.
"Best of luck to you then." I nod and give him a little smile before he walks away and I swear I can hear my heart breaking somewhere deep in my chest. This is exactly what I had feared Before I had opened up my big fucking mouth I had at least had his friendship. But now I was left with nothing but an strong feeling of despair and an of sort of resentment for him.
How can you be so blind
As to see right through me
I watch him as he walks down the hallway, binder under his arm, headphones in ears. He looks as if nothing has changed and I think I envy him for that. To my surprise he stops and turns back to me, giving me an unreadable expression. I hope it isn't hurt but if it is I think I wouldn't be so sympathetic about it. I hold it for as long as I can before I turn away. I can't even hold his gaze.
Not anymore.
And Ooh, Solitude,
Still with me is only you
Ooh, Solitude,
I can't stay away from you
Ooh, Solitude,
Forever me and forever you
Ooh, Solitude,
Only you, only true
A/N:
Well, there we go, a little bit of therapy there! That's basically how I felt although I made things a little more dramatic for story purposes but it's the same basic idea. Anyways, as always please leave me a review and let me know what you think - I can't help it, I'm a feedback whore!