Author's note:

Hey :) This is the very first multi-chapter fanfic I publish, so I'm really excited and nervous! Please favorite and leave comments, if you liked it!

I want to thank my wonderful beta-readers who helped me so much with this chapter:
- hellostarlight (AO3)
- Megara09 (AO3)
- Everren (AO3)
- tsarinastorm (tumblr)
- Lihgtwood (AO3)
I thank you all so much, you wonderful human beings, I couldn't have done it without you!

Enjoy!

Dark walls of water rage over the ocean, pummeling the ruins of the Second Death Star, indifferent to its once-incredible destructive superpower. Now, the skeletal remains are only an echo of the terror it inspired decades ago, reduced to rubble by the relentless tide. It's only a matter of time before the structure fully collapses under its own weight.

A lone figure sits slumped on an island of wreckages, long-limbed and draped in black, seemingly unaffected by the storm raging around him. The churning water rattles the structures as if trying to shake him off, but he doesn't move.

His skin is pale and his lips are colored an unhealthy shade of purple, the circles under his eyes deep and dark, hair plastered to his skull. His eyes stare into nothing. To anyone else, he might look dead. But his chest rises and falls with every breath, and his body trembles slightly.

A boom as a wave crashes against the hull, and ice-cold water geysers up to drench him. The chill and wetness have long since seeped through his clothes, his skin, and right down into his bones. But still he doesn't move, doesn't feel the biting cold, his gaze unfocused as he stares into the distance.

The characteristic scream of a TIE-fighter shakes him out of his stupor. He blinks once, then drags his gaze up as his ship rises into the air. He knows she's there, Rey. Is she looking for him, too? Does she hesitate for just a moment to check and see if he's been taken by the ocean, a casualty of the storm? It doesn't matter, doesn't change anything, because she's leaving now. His eyes follow the ship until it's nothing but a dot, which then disappears into the gray blanket of clouds.

His eyes fall to the lightsaber next to him. She didn't take it with her. Forgotten or left behind? The weapon has been a constant companion all these years, as much a part of him as his hand. He picks it up with stiff fingers and stares at it. Now the weight feels foreign in his palm.

The roaring of the waves rising and crashing all around him stirs him into action. His legs tremble as he forces himself to his feet. He staggers at first, then turns towards the Death Star. An unknown feeling begins to settle deep within him.

'Ben…'

The voice tears open a hole in his chest, one that is black and throbbing with pain. Dizziness overtakes him and he stumbles again. His mother is gone.

What has he done? Numbness spreads from his hands to his arms, but it doesn't take the pain away. She died before he could see her face again. And it's his fault alone. This time, he has no one else to blame. Not even Snoke. He failed! He killed his father. And he killed his mother too. Is no one safe from him?

Choking out a gasp, his fingers fly to his throat to claw at it. He's breathing fast, each shallow inhale hurts but does nothing to remove the lump that gags him. He begins to drag himself over the ruins, not knowing where he's going. The only thing he knows is that he has to leave, has to get to the interior of the Death Star, safe from the raging ocean. He squints his eyes and blinks repeatedly to clear the rain, but his vision remains distorted.

Without warning, a mountain of water crashes into him, sending him to his knees. Only his instincts keep him from being crushed and swept away into the ocean to meet a certain death.

'Ben, my sweet.'

Another wave collides with him. He gasps for air, but nothing seems to enter his lungs. He has to get away from this moon. But where to? His mother is gone; he has nowhere else to turn.

Feet slipping on the surface's slick metal, he struggles to regain his footing. He fights himself up again and continues on towards the Death Star's hulking eye. The mist of sprayed sea water dissipates in front of him and he stops, finding himself standing at the edge of the wreckage, a deep channel through which the ocean churns and spits, separating him from another spur of the corroding super weapon. He leans over the edge and stares down at the churning water. His fingers tighten around his lightsaber. The fall would be long, but the darkness would quickly pull him into its claws.

'You are weak. You deserve it.'

Snoke. Ben shivers at the voice. It's ugly and piercing cold. Even after his death, he can't get rid of his words, as if they have been ingrained into every fiber of his being. He wants to shrink away from it, to step away or to step over the edge, just to get away from it.

A gush of salt water from below slaps him in the face and forces him back. He coughs and spits out salt water, blinking at the sting.

'Don't give up, son.'

He feels the ghost of his father's hand on his shoulder, hears his rough voice and smells the familiar old scent of the Falcon. Han Solo, larger than life, stands behind the pilot's seat as he watches his son at his first flying lesson. They had stolen away from under Leia's watchful eyes. She hadn't approved of their plans, claiming her baby boy was much too young, but Ben had been too excited to fly the Falcon, to finally become a pilot like his father. He remembers how eager he had been to become just like him.

For a moment, he sees himself plummeting over this ledge, a singed hole in his tunic where a red plasma blade had left its lasting mark on him, just as it had on his father before him. A bitter smile tugs at his lips. Wouldn't that be ironic? Or simply justice?

'Come home.'

He tears his gaze away from the beckoning darkness and peers to the other side. It's so far away. Something pushes down on him from everywhere, heavy and oppressive, and his legs threaten to buckle, to topple him into the void.

'You are not strong enough. Pathetic. Weak.'

"You're lying. You always have," Ben snarls and grits his teeth. But something coils deep inside him, dark and slithery, trying to get to the surface.

'You are not enough. You will never be. That is why your parents abandoned you, Kylo Ren. You know the truth.'

'Ben…'

The other voice is weaker now, drowned out by his master's truths.

'This is why she left you. This is why they all leave you. They know how weak you are.'

He wants to cover his ears, screw his eyes shut, and curl up on the floor, hoping it would make the voices stop, that the monster would disappear. He's tired of fighting, doesn't have the strength to keep going. He won't reach the other side. It's too far away.

'You are too weak, too cowardly to accept the truth, Kylo Ren. You-'

'I'll help you...I saw it.'

A calm washes over him and the creature in his stomach stills. He releases a shaky breath as some feeling returns to his limbs. He stands taller and attaches the lightsaber back to his belt, fixating his eyes on the other side. It doesn't seem so far away now.

Taking in deep gulps of air, he staggers backwards, then stops, the muscles in his legs tensing. Wiping a hand over his dripping forehead, he clenches his jaw hard and gathers the Force around him. Then he sprints towards the edge and pushes himself off as hard as he can.

He lands with a heavy thud. Pain shoots up his legs when they collide with the metal surface, and his knees buckle. He grunts and lowers his head, screwing his eyes shut. Just before he moves to get up, a hot pain pierces his stomach. He gasps and falls back.

'She impaled you. Cold-hearted and without hesitation. She hates you.'

He grabs at his hair, pulling it as he suppresses a cry. Is he meant to make everyone hate him? What's wrong with him? Why does everyone he cares for either abandon or try to kill him?

'You deserve it,' the voice grates against his mind, sending shivers down his spine. 'Because you are pathetic. Because you are disturbed. You have been flawed from the moment you were born.'

'Don't do this, Ben. Please don't go this way.'

The voice throws the memory back at him in a terrible mockery. Rey believed in him once, thought she could turn him, save him. She had so much faith in him, built up hope, only for him to crush it. He remembers the look in her eyes, the tears streaming down her face. He hurt her then, and he didn't stop. Because that's the only thing he's good at: hurting people he loves. He hurt her, pushed her to the point where she almost killed him.

"What's wrong with me?" he beseeches the storm, but the thundering of the waves is the only answer he gets.

He wants to reach out with the Force to find Rey, to hear her voice, feel her light...but he's too afraid to find that she has blocked him out again. Or worse, that he can't feel her at all.

His voice trembles. "Forgive me."

He was not good enough for Rey then, and he's not enough now. A weak, pathetic boy lapping up any affection he could get. And she punished him for that. If he was stronger, if he could offer her more...

'I did want to take your hand.'

Her face flashes in his mind - the devastated expression, the tears.

'Ben's hand.'

He blinks and falls back, his mind empty, trying to grasp something, to make sense of it. He doesn't understand, it doesn't make sense, it's impossible. Her words echo in his head.

His eyes snap open. She called him a creature, a monster. Every time the Force connected them, her eyes were burning with hate and her mouth twisted into a snarl as she spat insults at him.

Until she didn't. She started to call him by his old name. Ben. Her eyes softened, her voice lost its cutting edge, and she began to look at him in a way he had forgotten how eyes could look. Warm and compassionate.

'I did want to take your hand. Ben's hand.'

He hits the metal with his fist. How could he be so stupid? He was blinded by his arrogance, his rage, his hurt. She didn't betray him back then. She rejected Kylo Ren and what he represented, the mask, the lie. She didn't want power or to rule the galaxy. She just wanted Ben Solo.

But who is that man? Is he even still alive after everything that happened? Coming to a halt in front of an opening into the ruins, he listens to see if they may have an answer. They remain as silent as a grave.

His stomach clenches. Whose life has he been living all these years? Did he sacrifice everything for nothing? Was all the suffering in vain? He knows he isn't the man he used to be. He also knows he can't ever return to who he was before he named himself Kylo Ren. So who is he now?

His hands start to tremble again, freezing and wet despite the leather. He glares down at his gloves, suddenly hating them. Then he strips them off and throws them to the side to be caught and carried by the wind. His whole life has been a waste!

There's a fire burning inside him, hot and destructive, threatening to eat him alive. Tears flood his face, but the pain in his throat refuses to leave. That sickness deep inside is still holding onto him with a firm grip, claws burying deep into his soul. Is he losing his mind?

He heaves a sob and rubs his face, trying in vain to stop the tears from running down his cheeks. Then his hands freeze. Slowly, his fingers spread over his face, running over his skin. His whole body goes rigid. It's completely smooth.

Fingers trembling, he runs them over his face again. And again. It can't be.

But it's gone.

The scar is gone.

Note:

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