Author's note:
Thank you so much for your kind feedback!
I want to thank my wonderful beta-readers who helped me so much in this fic:
- hellostarlight (AO3)
- Megara09 (AO3)
- Everren (AO3) or Everren327 (Twitter)
- asongstress1422 (AO3)
I thank you all so much, you wonderful human beings, I couldn't have done it without you!
I hope you enjoy this chapter!
By the time Rey reaches Ahch-To, she's heaving, barely aware of where she's going. Her vision keeps blurring and she finds Luke's island only by trusting the Force to guide her. Hands trembling on the controls, she directs the TIE Fighter towards it.
The air inside the cockpit is stifling, but far worse are the thoughts and memories pressing down on her, threatening to drag her under. She'll lose her mind if she doesn't get out soon. Breathing through clenched teeth, she forces the ship to the island's green surface. With a sickening crunch it half slides, half crashes to the ground, violently shaking her in the seat.
She throws open the hatch and pushes herself up. A cool breeze whispers against her face and she takes a second to center herself before climbing out completely. Her legs buckle beneath her when she jumps to the ground. Too tired to stop her fall, pain shoots through her when her knees crash to the hard, rocky surface.
'Murderer .'
She crawls away from the ship, as if she could run from what she's done. Ben. A heavy feeling settles in her chest. She gasps, struggling to find her breath, but only a sharp wheeze escapes her lips.
A flood of images crashes over her. A spitting red blade and dark eyes widening. She screws her eyes shut, trying to block it out, but the images remain. The sickening smell of burned flesh, the sound of a body hitting the ground. Her stomach contracts into a knot, and she stops, coughing and gagging. Her eyes burn.
'Look at yourself. You wanted to prove to my mother that you were a Jedi, but you've proven something else.'
Ben talked to her in that infuriatingly calm manner, casually holding the wayfinder in his hand. The softness of his voice used to hypnotize her once, made her question everything she believed about him. How could a man who speaks with such gentleness be truly evil? Then, he had spoken to her like she was special, like she had meant something to him. Now his voice only taunted her, mocked her suffering and pain.
And then, he'd destroyed it. She'd let him distract her, and now, it's broken. The wayfinder she's worked so hard to find, the artifact she traveled through the galaxy and put all her friends in danger for. He crushed it like it was nothing, looking her straight in the eyes. Something in her had snapped and the only thing left in her mind was to destroy; to cut him deep and make him bleed . In her trance, she had even shoved Finn away with the Force, not even caring if she hurt him in the process. She didn't care for anyone in that moment, all that mattered was her finally defeating Kylo Ren.
Gritting her teeth she pushes herself to her feet. Sways. Steadies. She truly is a monster. Not even her friends are safe from her. Baring her teeth, she turns to the TIE-fighter. She stares at it, her hands clenched into fists. Her shoulders rise and fall as she breathes heavily through her nose, increasing the pressure on her teeth. He wasn't even trying to hurt her.
He was on the defensive the whole fight, blocking and dodging every one of her vicious blows, not once going into the offense. Still, her rage ate through her, until it consumed her entirely and she was nothing but a shell of herself. She was losing. She knew it was futile to keep fighting but she didn't stop, couldn't stop. She had to fight him, swing her lightsaber, hack at him. Pushing a year's worth of frustration on him all at once with fear and anger in her strikes, pushing, pushing him away.
He wore her down until she collapsed, brought her to her knees with his powerful strikes. She was completely at his mercy. He could have killed her, there and then, and she wouldn't even have resisted. But he didn't move to make the final blow. No, instead, he paused and disengaged from the fight, turning away from her to look over his shoulder. He even let go of his weapon. He was unarmed. And still she...she...
The blood in her veins sizzles, and tiny blue currents begin to dance around her fingers. She unclenches her right hand, fingers forming it into a claw, and lifts it towards the ship. A crackle, then flashes zap out of her fingers. The TIE-fighter catches fire immediately.
Panting hard, she lets her arms sink and stares down at her hand, self-loathing boiling up in her like acid. She did it again. She lifts her eyes back to the ship, where the flames are greedily licking the metal. Hot tears run down her cheeks. She swipes her face angrily but the tears won't stop. She doesn't have the right to cry. Destruction follows her wherever she goes, no matter how hard she tries to do good, to be a good person. Did she even try? Or was it all just hypocrisy, a sad attempt at fitting in, making people like her? Was it just another one of the many lies she told herself?
No wonder her parents had hated her. No wonder they'd thrown her away like garbage. She's dangerous. She's not worthy of being loved, she never was. She must have tricked her friends into liking her, deceived them without even realizing it.
If she stays here, nobody will come for her. Nobody will even miss her. She presses her lips together, swallowing repeatedly to choke back sobs. Then she grabs her hair and begins to tear at it, fingers ripping at the ties that bind her hair back into buns until it falls down to her shoulders. Her parents didn't want her. And once her friends realize what she really is, they will discard her too.
She's nothing.
There's a sudden blinding flash, then a deafening explosion. A wave of heat rolls over her and she stumbles back, throwing her arms up. Debris rains down on her, and the wind blows away the ashes, carrying them to the sea. The shape of the TIE-fighter is almost unrecognizable now, its wings severed from the ball, melted into clumps.
Her body begins to shake, then sobs wrack against her chest, tearing painfully at her. It was her destiny to be alone, to live and die on Jakku, rotting in the sands, to be forgotten forever. She was never meant to leave. It's nothing but coincidence that she ended up here, not fate. Just a catastrophe for everyone else.
The world blurs before her eyes and she sinks down to the floor, her hands blindly fumbling over the ground until her fingers brush over some pieces of driftwood. She grabs one and straightens. Then she hurls it into the flames, heaving dry sobs. If she could only erase these images, all these memories from her mind, and burn them down with this ship. Forget everything, everyone she cared for.
Her hand closes around another piece of wood. She should never have let herself be so vulnerable. She was lonely on Jakku, but at least it was a predictable life, and she could defend herself against injury. But this is worse than any wound that had been inflicted on her, more crippling than a broken leg in the middle of the desert. Her breathing becomes frantic and her arms ache but she doesn't stop searching for more sticks. She hurls them into the wreckage to feed the flames.
What has she done? She almost killed the only person who really knew her, who saw her deepest fears, the darkness in her, and still wanted her. Her enemy, her other half. Her chin quivers when she remembers him slumping to the ground, not uttering a single sound, his gaze unfocused and his skin ashen. It shook her to the core to see him like that. This man, always so tall and strong, slumped to the floor, completely limp. Dying. Because of her.
'Murderous snake ,' she had hissed at Ben once. But now it's directed at her. She's the murderer, becoming the one thing she had spent so much time and energy fighting. At last, she'd shown her true face.
How could Leia ever believe in her? ' Rey, never be afraid of who you are .' Would she have said that if she knew what she was capable of? Did she feel her son dying before her last breath? Rey lets go of the driftwood and turns away, bile rising in her throat.
Her gaze falls to her lightsaber at her hip. She closes her fingers around it and jerks it free. She's no Jedi. She's a failure. She's failed the entire galaxy because she thought she was special. It's better off without her. She wasn't the last hope of the galaxy, she is the one thing it must be protected against.
So, she will stay on this island for the rest of her days. She will never put her friends in danger again, she will never face Palpatine. Another sob tears through her. And she will never see Ben again. He won't look for her. Because how could he forgive her or trust her again? She's dangerous, unpredictable. Yes, she will stay here and do what she's best at. Surviving, counting the days, and waiting until she finally dies.
She takes one last look at the lightsaber. Maz was wrong. Her future is bleak and empty, there's no one waiting for her. Only death. She turns around and hurls the weapon into the fire.
Except it doesn't touch the flames. Something stops it from crashing into the wreckage. A hand emerges from the fire, holding the saber, then the rest of the body appears, draped in robes. Rey gasps.
"Master Skywalker!" she croaks in disbelief.
And indeed, it's Luke Skywalker who steps out of the fire, untouched by the flames, a faint blue glow framing his form.
"A Jedi's weapon deserves more respect," he says, a twinkle of amusement in his eyes, before his expression changes into one of concern. "What are you doing?"
Author's note:
Rey needs a hug!
Please comment if you enjoyed this chapter or have constructive criticism! :)