Author's note:
I'm so sorry for waiting so long to update! I was very busy and stressed but I now have a little time to breathe, so finally, here's chapter 7! Thank you all so much for reading and your wonderful feedback, it really means so much to me and brightens my days! I hope you enjoy this chapter :3
As always, thank you so much, my beta readers, for helping me with this chapter:
- hellostarlight (AO3)
- Megara09 (AO3)
- Everren (AO3) or Everren327 (Twitter)
- asongstress1422 (AO3)
Ben swallows, his heart pounding in his throat as he stares at the spot where Anakin stood just moments ago. His presence has been replaced by a very familiar one, one that makes his heart sink.
"My boy."
He turns around. There she stands, proud and elegant, small but imposing. Like Anakin, a blue glow surrounds Leia. Despite the warmth in her eyes, he feels like a boy again, guilt filling him after being caught doing something forbidden. No. He feels worse than that. Like a criminal, a monster. He lowers his head in shame. After everything he has done to her, he can't meet her eyes.
"Mom," he blurts out, then presses his lips together. He wants to take it back. He doesn't deserve to call her that anymore, to call himself her son. He lost that privilege years ago.
"Ben." Her voice echoes from the walls, and his heart sinks. Why does she sound so gentle? Where is the disappointment, the shame she must be feeling? Then again, she had always been good at hiding her feelings, at putting on a calm and friendly facade if she needed to. Is this just another diplomatic approach, a way to deal with people like him?
"Ben, look at me."
His breath hitches but he keeps his eyes stubbornly trained on the floor. Feeling her presence again after over a year is surreal enough. He didn't expect to ever hear her voice again. He bites his tongue to keep any words from tumbling out, from doing more damage. What could he say anyway?
There's nothing he could say, nothing he could do that could heal the damage he brought upon the galaxy. He killed them all, his whole family. His father, his uncle, and now his mother. His nails dig into his palms, and he closes his eyes, as if that could block her out somehow. Sensing her, knowing that she's dead, that he won't ever feel the softness of her touch again, sends a chill to his bones.
It's his fault. He clenches his jaw hard, but his chin begins to wobble anyway and his eyes are burning. If he cries now, he won't be able to stop. When was the last time he cried in front of his mother? Probably after one of his nightmares. He had them almost every night when he was ten years old, the lack of sleep taking a heavy toll on him. It was torture, but he would live through it again if he could only feel her embrace one more time. But there's no one there to soothe him; this is a nightmare he can't wake up from. There's nothing he can do to bring his mother back. It's too late.
He whimpers and folds into himself, covering his face with his hands. He tries to stifle the sobs at first but then breaks down entirely. Tears race down his cheeks in an endless stream. When he hears her approach, he folds further into himself, trying in vain to quiet down. He flinches when her hand touches his shoulder.
"Oh, my son," she whispers, "don't mourn for me."
But the tears keep spilling over his face and his shoulders are shaking with his sobs. He can't stop. Why can't he stop? But Leia stays with him, breathing deeply, evenly. He concentrates on it, tries to match her rhythm, until his sobs finally die down.
His voice wavers when he speaks. "I… It's my fault." He swallows and struggles to form the words. "There's nothing...nothing I can say or do, nothing that could excuse—" His voice gets caught in his throat and he stops. He slowly lifts his head to look at his mother. His hair falls away from his face, revealing flushed skin and red eyes. Leia's eyes are warm and sympathetic. He wants to scream. He doesn't deserve her sympathy, and he doesn't want her acceptance either.
"I haven't come to judge you, Ben," Leia croons to him softly. "I have come to help you."
"Nobody can help me now," Ben snaps and jumps up, stomping away and grinding his teeth. "I'm a lost cause, a monster." His voice is dripping with bitterness, and he spins around to look at Leia. "I've killed Dad, Uncle Luke, and now you."
"I've seen monsters." Her voice turns to steel. "Snoke was a monster. Palpatine is a monster. You are not a monster."
Ben shakes his head vehemently and presses his lips together. "You don't understand. I made these choices. After all the sacrifices Dad and Luke made to bring me back home, I refused to stop. Even after Snoke was dead, I refused to turn back to the light."
"It wasn't really a choice," Leia argues and steps into his field of vision. "Not a free choice, anyway. Snoke manipulated you for your whole life. Of course his death wouldn't erase the damage he left."
"You knew about Snoke?"
She lowers her eyes and heaves a great sigh. She looks older now, more fragile in a way that has nothing to do with the physicality of her projected form.
"I always felt something was wrong, even before you were born. I was so worried, but...Luke told me that it's normal to have some darkness in the light." She looks up at him, her eyes soft. "You shined brighter than anything I have ever experienced… But Snoke, that evil bastard, latched onto you like a parasite, attacking you even before you had the chance to make your own choices. I should have done something sooner, I should have protected you. But I was too afraid."
Ben looks away and clenches his teeth. "Even so, it was my choice to stay. I could have gone with Dad. I could have gone with Rey. Snoke couldn't hurt me anymore." He looks back to her and points at himself. "It was I who killed Snoke, not Rey."
"I know, Ben, I know." Leia holds up her hand, a tiny smile on her lips. "I knew even before Rey confessed it to me."
He blinks at her. "She told you?"
She nods and folds her hands in front of her. "I could tell from the look in her eyes whenever she or someone else talked about you. She avoided any and all questions about what occurred on the Supremacy, so I knew something must have happened between you two."
Ben averts his eyes, not willing to see her far-too-knowing look.
"When I asked her about it, it was like a dam broke and the truth came pouring out of her." She chuckles to herself. "The poor girl must have carried that weight with her all alone. She felt so much guilt and regret—"
"And shame," Ben interjects, a dark look in his eyes. He spreads his arms. "How could I blame her? I didn't even see her. I thought I understood her, but I didn't. So when she left, I felt betrayed, like she deceived me in some way. I didn't have the right to feel that way." He huffs and begins to pace, his steps echoing from the walls. "I should have known that she didn't want to rule the galaxy, that she wasn't interested in power at all. Of course she wouldn't leave her friends behind. I was so blind." He runs his fingers through his hair and squeezes his eyes shut to block out the memory of her despairing face. "Of course she refused to take my hand—"
"You offered her your hand?"
He stops in his tracks, his eyes wide. When he risks a peek at his mother's face, heat starts rising in his cheeks. She's just like his grandfather.
"It wasn't like that," he snaps. Or was it? The way Leia worded it sounds like… He hesitates. Well, hadn't it been like that? Wasn't it more than wanting her to rule at his side? In his chest, his heart begins to beat faster. He was so desperate for her to join him, to be by his side as his partner, his… He lowers his head to let his hair cover his face. There is a reason why he always preferred to wear a mask. "At least, I don't think she understood it that way…" he admits to the floor.
"Rey is far more perceptive than you think, my son." His mother sounds amused, and Ben refuses to look at her. "She was just as scared as you, Ben. It wasn't an easy choice for her."
I did want to take your hand. Ben's hand.
He looks up at her, the words all but pouring out of him as he tries to explain to her, tries to make her understand. "I finally found someone who understood me, who accepted me for who I am, and I still messed up. I hurt her, and you—" His voice quavers and he takes in a shaky breath. "I wish I could just disappear; I wish I was dead. I wish I never even existed!"
"Don't you dare say that!" Leia snaps, and Ben flinches at her harsh tone. "Don't you dare throw away your life like that."
"I never caused you anything but misery."
Leia shakes her head and approaches him slowly. "That's not true, Ben. You brought so much joy to our lives. You gave meaning to it, true meaning." She comes to a stop and looks up at him. She's so small compared to him. Compared to just about anyone, really. But she was stronger than all of them. She lifts her hand to his face and cups his cheek. "We missed you, Ben."
Tears well up in his eyes. He missed them too, more than anything. "We can never go back to what was. Dad, Luke, you...you're all gone."
"No one's ever really gone," she whispers, smiling up at him. "Luke said that to me, by the way. And he was talking about you."
His chest tightens, and he closes his eyes. "If only I knew then what I know now," he chokes, "I would change everything, make it better somehow."
"But you still can. You may not have been ready in the past, but I know that you are now. Take your chance and free yourself, become the person you were always meant to be, no matter what name you choose."
"When I joined Snoke, I thought I'd be free, that I would find my way and finally become the person I was always meant to be." The corners of his mouth turn down in bitterness, his tone reflecting the emotion. "I thought that I finally belonged. But I was wrong."
He draws a deep breath and turns his head to the side to stare into the darkening sky. How much time has passed since Rey left? It seems like it has been only a few minutes, but at the same time, it feels like he has been here for a lifetime.
"When I met Rey, everything changed. She turned the world I knew upside down. She...challenged me, fought me, and defeated me several times...but I wasn't even angry." He's not sure where the words come from or why, for once in his miserable life, it's not awkward to talk to his mom about his feelings.
"Solos…" Leia mumbles, and Ben throws her a questioning look. She snorts and pats him on the shoulder in a conspiratory way. "Go on."
Ben furrows his brows in confusion but continues. "I started to question everything. Snoke, the First Order, myself... But at the same time, I never felt so hopeful, so much like...like I belonged. Like I finally found what I had been searching for."
Leia's eyes soften. "You love her, don't you?"
"More than anything," he says without hesitation, awed by the pure truth of the statement. Then his voice grows more urgent, almost desperate. "Mom, I can't lose her."
"Oh, my darling, my sweet boy. Don't be afraid."
"I know what I have to do, but what if I fail again? What if I'm not strong enough?" Ben asks, his voice almost cracking from the overwhelming emotion.
"You won't fail, I know it," Leia says with certainty. "I never stopped believing that you could do good, Ben. And look at you…" She smiles sweetly and strokes his cheek. "Look how you've grown! You have become so handsome."
Ben clears his throat and turns his head away. He'd always been uncomfortable when she said something like that.
Leia chuckles then lets go of him. "Rey is a woman worth fighting for. Go to her, stand by her side when she faces Palpatine." Her expression darkens, turning into the fierce general that defied all odds to stand against the power of the First Order and triumph. "It's time that old bastard is destroyed for good." She motions for him to bend down. He leans down to her height and closes his eyes when she places a soft kiss on his forehead. "I love you, my son."
When he opens his eyes again she is gone, but the tingling feeling of her kiss lingers. A breeze blows over his face and he notices tears on his cheeks. He wipes them away and straightens, taking a look around the ruins. His fingers brush over the lightsaber at his hip. Taking it in his hand, he ignites it. The blade crackles and spits in fiery red. He stares at it. It feels so wrong now, like it doesn't belong to him anymore, like it belongs to another person.
He walks to an opening in the wall facing the storm outside. There, he stops and stares at the crashing waves, then turns the lightsaber off. He takes one last look at it then hurls it in a high arc. Seeing it be devoured by the ocean feels right, like some weight has been lifted off his shoulders.
Turning, he hurries deeper into the ruins, feeling more energized than ever. He knows now what he has to do. Wait for me, Rey, he thinks and runs through the ruins of the second Death Star.
Now, if only he could find a damn ship.
Author's note:
What did you think of the conversation between mother and son? :3
Please comment if you enjoyed this chapter or want to share your thoughts!