Those two! Just what the hell were they thinking! Telling Hisoka something like that. My footsteps echo in the now darkened halls of EnmaCho as I briskly walk to Watari's lab, which is more of a home to him than his house. Where else would our resident mad scientist be anyway? With record speed I stop in front of the door. Clench my hand into a fist and knock thrice.
"Watari? I need to talk to you." I say loudly, so that he can hear me from out here.
"Just a minute!" He yells from inside.
Not even five seconds afterwards, a loud bang resounds behind the door. I'm willing to bet this year's salary, if I get any (Kachou doesn't call me a destructive demon for nothing!), that another failed experiment exploded. I breathe out a sigh. Sometimes, I wonder why not even one of Watari's experiments had ever succeeded… in killing him, that is.
Oh, right, he's already dead.
The door opens, releasing smoke from the inside. Watari comes out with a giant paper fan Enma knows where he got. Probably used it to waft the smoke out. As for Watari he looks so… black.
"Watari?" My head cocks to the side. "Are you… okay?"
"Oh this…? It's nothing. Fufufufu" He laughs hollowly.
003, his fluffy little owl, settles on his shoulder.
"Sorry about that ne?" He tells the tiny creature with a warm gleam in his eyes.
003 gives him an affectionate peck, as if to say 'It's okay'. Watari pets his feathery friend before turning his attention to me again.
"You wanted something, Tsuzuki? Come in."
He opens the door wider to give way for me to get in. I cautiously walk inside. If I were to describe what it was like, one word would sum it up: chaotic. Bits and pieces of objects that seem to have flown into the air before it crashed on the ground are scattered everywhere. I jump as I feel something crack under my foot. I accidentally stepped on a tiny piece of… er… something. Looks like a broken bit of metal with multicolored wires sticking out.
"Oops." Sheepishly look up at Watari. He's looking for something, so I think he didn't notice. That's good. Or else it would've meant trouble.
"Here. Take a seat for a while." He pushes a stool towards me and grabs a small towel.
He ties his curly blond locks tightly into a ponytail, opens the faucet above the sink then proceeds to wash his face. Looks like he's having trouble removing those black stains on his cheeks, and it makes me chuckle in amusement. After probably fifteen long minutes of struggling to remove the stubborn marks, he pats his face dry and lets his hair down again.
"So, what did you come here for?" He asks with a bright smile making his face glow.
A frown creases my eyebrows as I remember just why I came here in the first place.
"Why?" was all that came out of my mouth.
Watari looks at me with a curious expression.
"Why what?" he asks, his genki mood slightly fading away.
"Why did you tell that to Hisoka?" I look at him straight in the eyes, to make sure he wouldn't lie when he answers me.
His smile fades and is replaced by a serious expression. A bit guilty, but nonetheless his face tells me that he's no longer in a joking frame of mind.
"You don't like the idea?" he questions seriously then continues, looking away. "I thought you'd go with it. This is what you've always wanted after all. Right?" He pronounces with a small grin.
That irritated me a little. I'm not that desperate.
"Watari, this isn't about me. I think that in Hisoka's condition right now, this might be too much. Don't you even care about Hisoka!?" I say, voice unintentionally louder than necessary.
He looks at me with a flash of mild anger in his eyes. I think what I said must've touched his nerves.
"With all due respect, Tsuzuki-san, I think you rather misunderstood us." My head abruptly wheels around as I hear Tatsumi's voice from the doorway. But, I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. After all, it's not unusual for Tatsumi to stay here in the office and work overtime.
"I overheard your conversation, and came in just in time to hear what you burst out. Tsuzuki-san, we planned this out carefully, giving due consideration to Kurosaki-kun's feelings as well." He says, taking off his glasses and wiping it before placing it right back up.
"You too Tatsumi… you of all people. I didn't expect that you'd go along with this." I protest.
Watari then takes his turn to speak.
"Tsuzuki, don't get mad at Tatsumi for this. This whole thing was my idea. I just convinced him to conspire with me." He gives Tatsumi a grateful look then continues. "I did this not just for you… but all the more for bon. I just thought that, at his confused state right now, it's just like he's starting over. Wouldn't it be a good idea to give him a taste of how it feels to be loved? Not just as a family, but in a much deeper way… which is exactly how you feel for him. So why not let him have this chance? And… why deprive yourself of this? "
I pause for a while to think. Well, I've got to admit he does have a point. But still…
"What if… what if Hisoka doesn't want this? I mean, I don't know if he even likes me." I voice out the very uncertainty that has been holding me back from confessing my feelings to my partner ever since.
Watari sniggers upon hearing that.
"What?" I whine.
"Tsuzuki-san, surely, Kurosaki kun risking his life for you over and over again should give away the answer to that." Tatsumi answers with an amused smile.
Then flashbacks of those times when Hisoka actually gambled his second death just for my sake came back to me.
While watching over Hisoka and Hijiri in the infirmary right after the case involving that cursed violin, Watari told me that when I was possessed by the demon Saagatanus, everyone thought that no one would be able to stop me. They even called for reinforcements from other divisions.
In a way, they all reckoned that not a single shinigami was strong enough to face me and save me from that demon's hands.
But Hisoka still risked it. He repeatedly used the reibaku against me even though it drained him of all his energy. His empathy even made him collapse when he saw a part of my memory that I tried so hard to hide from everybody around me… both before and when I became a shinigami.
He was the only one who never gave up on me even if… I could have killed him by my own hands.
That makes me shudder. The thought of my hands stained by Hisoka's blood…
I…
I would have called Touda as early as back then. I would have lost my sanity already, and not wait for the Kyoto incident anymore.
Yes, Kyoto, where Hisoka nearly died twice just to get me back. Tatsumi and Watari already told me of that time when my partner fought against Muraki's friend Oriya, who nearly slashed his body in half. Afterwards, he still jumped into Touda's flames, ignoring their warnings of how it could burn even a shinigami despite one's regenerative prowess.
Remembering how much he cried in my arms and begged for me to stay still makes me feel so guilty. Looking back now, I think I realized somewhere along the way that it was really so selfish, and stupid, to think of ending my life when there's someone who needs me so much. And for my partner, prince of anti-socialism, to actually say out loud that he cares for someone requires tremendous amount of courage and disregard of pride.
And then… he said those words.
~"The only place where I belong… is right here by your side!" ~
Words that told me that someone cared.
Words that told me my existence was worth something to someone.
Words that gave me this new life… which I live for that person alone.
And it always makes me smile. A true, unmasked and heartfelt smile.
Now I know that my life has a meaning, and a purpose.
"You see now?" Tatsumi's voice pulls me out of my train of thought, upon noticing that understanding has dawned.
"I… actually mean this much to Hisoka…" I voice my realization. And it's about time I noticed. I'm such a dope.
"If you want more proof, let me tell you something then." I look at Watari, his cheerfulness back. "You know, every time you two come back here from a really dangerous mission, where bon gets severely injured, there's only one name that he calls whenever he's in so much pain. It's also that very same person he looks for when he wakes up. And it's not me, his self-proclaimed 'personal doctor and caretaker'. Want to guess?" Watari winks at me.
"Me…" The word just kind of slipped from my mouth. I didn't even notice it coming out.
"Bingo!" Watari squeals happily.
"You see? Needless of words, it's very obvious how much Kurosaki-kun values you. It's no wonder. You made him feel what it's like to be cared for. You showed him how annoying… *ahem*… I mean, nice you truly are. And most important of all, you proved to him that he's worthy of being loved and cherished." Tatsumi adds with a rare, warm smile.
Though I have the feeling that he meant the 'annoying' part.
"That's right…" I feel my lips curve upwards into a smile… then replaced by a sigh again. "But I still feel like I'm taking advantage of him." I convey hesitantly.
"Not exactly." Watari interjects. "This would've happened in time anyway. You two being together, I mean. So why not let it happen now, ne?" he stops for a bit, then narrows his eyes suspiciously. "You WERE planning on confessing to him, right?"
What, he doesn't trust that I ever thought of doing that?
"Honestly, yes. Well, right after this case, actually. But then this had to happen." Breathe out another sigh "Sometimes I think fate is against us."
I can feel my eyes saddening.
Then I sense Tatsumi's hand on my shoulder.
"On the contrary, I think fate has given this to you as a chance." Tatsumi says with a reassuring smile. "Tell me honestly, Tsuzuki-san, do you think you would've had the courage to 'talk' to Kurosaki-kun had your case fared normally?"
"Um… no?" I grin sheepishly.
"I though not." Tatsumi sighs exasperatedly.
It's just, whenever I come across the thought of actually doing that, the doubt of ruining the friendship we tried so hard to build always comes into my mind… thus keeping me from telling Hisoka how I truly love him.
Telling him words that he rightly deserves to hear.
"So what do you say, Tsuzuki? Are you going to go with the plan?" Watari nudges my side playfully.
I pause for a while to think. I'm still really hesitant about this.
"I… what if Hisoka gets mad at me afterwards?" Sounds like an excuse, but it's true. I wouldn't want that to happen.
Tatsumi's eyebrows twitch. "Tsuzuki-san, I'm running out of patience with you. If you don't want to go about this, we can always tell Kurosaki-kun that it was all a joke. Right, Watari-san?"
"Well, if Tsuzuki really doesn't want to…" Watari adds mischievously.
Even if I would've preferred to gain Hisoka's heart by my own effort and not like this…
"Alright! I'll do it!" I reluctantly agree.
And they have successfully forced me into submission. Yes! I was forced, I say! Except for the little fact that I'm actually enjoying this. Well now, naughty little me feels the strong urge to titter at the thoughts of those things I want to do with my… koibito.
Maybe I'll just worry about how the Hisoka with his memories back will react when the time comes.
"That's the spirit!" Watari slaps my back. "So? What are you waiting for? Go back to bon right now and shower him with you hugs and kisses!!!" Watari exclaims, starry-eyed.
"AH!!!" I suddenly burst out. "Damn it! I almost forgot about Hisoka!!! He's still waiting for me!" I frantically yell.
The two abruptly turn to gape at me.
"You mean, he was still awake when you left!? I though he was sleeping by now." Watari cries out in disbelief.
"Really now Tsuzuki-san. How could you just leave him alone like that? How irresponsible." Tatsumi scolds.
"But I didn't mean to! I was just really ticked off by what you did and…"
And I left him just right after… oh gods, Hisoka…
"Well, what are you waiting for? Go back, Tsuzuki-san. Besides, I have some important things to discuss with Watari-san here." Tatsumi turns to look at Watari with bloody murder in his eyes. "Like… the laboratory destruction costs."
See a couple of tiny horns growing above Tatsumi's head.
So I dash out of the infirmary before all hell goes wild.
But more importantly, I hurry back out of concern for Hisoka. I wonder what he's thinking right now. Leaving him just like that, without even saying a word… Tatsumi's right. How irresponsible.
~)-0-(~
I hear a faint noise as I come closer to the infirmary.
Listen closer.
This sound… very soft and yet I can hear it clearly.
I tune my ears more to the sound and pay close attention.
Sobbing… someone's crying…
Hisoka!
I hasten my steps to a full run as I recognize his voice. Grab the knob and hastily open the door. Hisoka's curled up and hugging his knees tightly.
And he's crying.
"Hisoka? What happened?" I ask cautiously. Without any second thoughts I sit on the edge of the bed and pull him close.
Hisoka looks up to me with tear-streaked eyes. He's trying to speak straight, but I can't make out what he's saying because it's messed up by his weak gasps.
"You… you probably hate me because of how I've acted. I'm sorry… I'm so sorry… I was just…"
What!!!? So all this was because of… ME!!!???
"Hisoka… of course not! Why would you think that?" I ask, trying to calm his breathing by running gentle strokes along his back.
"I… felt it. You were so angry when you left. I really didn't mean it though… I was just confused and I…" he continues to sob.
He's crying because he thought I was mad at him!? I am such an idiot! Why wouldn't he? I left the poor thing out of the blue with my anger radiating to him. Now I've hurt him again.
I've got to explain this.
"Hisoka… listen to me. I wasn't mad at you. I was mad at Watari for telling you about 'us'. I just thought that it was all too sudden, that you might not be ready for it yet. But it's okay now. We already talked about it. So don't cry anymore okay?"
Let my shields down and make him feel my reassurance.
"So you're not mad at me…?" Hisoka asks hesitantly, his voice muffled by my shirt.
I tighten my hold on him, until I feel his heart softly beating right next to mine.
"No. I'm not mad at you." I gently reiterate, running my fingers through his fabulously soft hair.
And he looks up at me, eyes attractively wide and vulnerable.
"Really?" he asks insistently, as if wanting to make sure that I'm honestly not angry with him. I let out a chuckle. He's really so cute. Just like a child who, after being scolded by his mother, wants to be certain that she still loves him.
"Really." I cup his face and wipe his tears away.
I stare at my partner for a moment, then my gaze lingers as I register how he looks right now.
His eyes that mirror his innocence…
His unguarded expression…
And partly opened, soft trembling lips…
"So beautiful…"
Strikingly angelic.
I could feel my head unconsciously descending, my lips dangerously getting closer to his.
Then he blushes upon realizing just what I'm about to do, and it makes him even more eye-catching.
I can't stop myself. This feeling…
And the door opens with a loud bang.
"Tsuzuki!"
It's Watari. Someday, I'll kill him for his horrible timing.
"Tatsumi told me that it wasn't his fault. Then it leaves me to think that you're the culprit…" He hisses at me. His eyes are flashing with suppressed desire to kill, then he smirks. "I suppose you're the one who did this."
And he holds out a… woops. It's the thing I stepped on earlier back at his lab.
Suddenly there's an imaginary lump in my throat that I nervously swallow. I am so dead.
~)-0-(~
Translations:
Ø reibaku- spirit binding (?)
(If I made mistakes in my translations, please feel free to correct me. It'll be much appreciated. =^w^=)