GREYROCK'S CAFETERIA. BREAKFAST TIME. THE CAFETERIA'S METAL TABLES ARE EQUIPPED WITH FIXED, IMMOBILE STOOLS – TWO PER TABLE. THE ROOM IS WINDOWLESS. ON SIX VERTICALLY POSITIONED CATWALKS, SPANNING THE WHOLE OF THE ROOM'S PERIMETER, A HUNDRED GUARDS KEEP WATCH. NEVERTHELESS, THE INMATES CAN SEE THE OUTSIDE THROUGH SENSORS LOCATED ON THE EXTERIOR OF THE BUILDING
Nigel is poking around at his food, which is a bowl of grey gruel. Most of the inmates are watching him in quiet admiration. Three of them have offered him homemade sugar (no condiments are available). One inmates walks over to his table and puts an orange (stolen from the nurse's office, he says) on it. Monty takes a seat next to Nigel.
NIGEL
How are you feeling, dad?
MONTY
I…believe I'm starting to get a grip. For one thing, things can hardly get any worse. For another, now that we're face to face, I can get some answers from you.
NIGEL Okay. Fire away, then.
MONTY
First off, what is the Kids Next Door?
NIGEL
They're a global organisation of super soldiers devoted to defending children from adult tyranny. I lead a five-man team – we have a base in our treehouse. We have our own gadgets, a moonbase –
MONTY
Back up now – a moonbase?
NIGEL Yes.
MONTY But how do you get there?
NIGEL
By flying, of course.
MONTY
But – I – how long does it take you?
NIGEL
It depends on how the hamsters are feeling. If they're having a good day, we can reach the moon in, oh, five minutes.
MONTY Hamsters? You use hamsters as a power source?
NIGEL
Well how else would you suggest we power our ships? By pedalling?
MONTY
(weakly)
Oh my word…I think I need to lie down again. This is too much to take in. He becomes unsteady on his feet.
NIGEL
No dad! He takes Monty by the shoulders. Don't fade out on me! Please. I need you at my side.
MONTY(steadying himself)
Alright. For the sake of your wellbeing, I'll try to compose myself.
NIGEL
Do you have any other questions?
MONTY
Yes. How long have you been an operative?
NIGEL
About three years.
MONTY
What is decommissioning?
NIGEL When an operative reaches thirteen year old – when they're no longer a kid, in other words – all their memories of the Kids Next Door are removed.
MONTY
(in disbelief)
No!
NIGEL
It has to be done. Teenagers and adults cannot be trusted, under any circumstances.
MONTY
And, uh, there are no exceptions?
NIGEL
(pouring some homemade sugar into his gruel)
None whatsoever.
MONTY
(realisation dawning upon him)
But that means that in three years, when you turn thirteen –
NIGEL
I know. I'm not looking forward to it, but it's for the greater good. If a former operative were allowed to keep sensitive information about the Kids Next Door, it could prove our undoing.
Monty stirs his spoon in his gruel in circles, mechanically.
MONTY
And why did you never mention your job to me or your mother?
NIGEL
(grimly)
It wasn't my call to make. And even if I wanted to tell you - look, no offence, but you and Mom are open boxes. I couldn't risk you leaking the details of our missions to evil adults.
MONTY
I resent that. I used to be a Kids Next Door operative, right? I must have been, since Ben says I was decommissioned. I wouldn't have been an operative if I didn't know how to keep a secret.
NIGEL
(spits out a spoonful of gruel seasoned with the sugar)
Ugh! Tastes like sand…That was before you were decommissioned. Decommissioning doesn't just take away your memories. It takes away your skills as an operative.
MONTY(shaking his head)
What heartless monsters created this system?
NIGELYou did! Your generation did.
Monty
(taken aback)
Oh. I see. He becomes very animated. Then it's our responsibility to undo it! And by George undo it we will!
NIGEL(incredulously)
We? You and what adults?
MONTY
(realising what he is saying)
You're right. Perhaps I got carried away. I can't abolish decommissioning single-handedly. But I can make sure that it doesn't happen to you.
NIGEL
(squeezing his eyes with his fingers)
I was afraid you were going to say that.
EXTERIOR OF GREYROCK'S WALLS. A ROCK QUARRY. THE INMATES ARE BREAKING UP ROCKS. THEY ARE WEARING BALLS AND CHAINS
NIGEL
(emphatically)
No dad! Bribing the Supreme Leader with handcrafted toys isn't a solution! You're not getting it. This rule is in place for a good reason. When you turn thirteen, you become a completely different person.
MONTY Even so, there must be another way. What about imprisoning former operatives who betrayed the Kids Next Door in your prison? Fear of going to prison would keep them in line.
NIGEL
They would all betray us, and we couldn't take them all in.
MONTY Then have them monitor each other. Offer them bribes, if necessary.
NIGEL
(still sceptical, but unable to conceal his curiosity)
Bribes? That sounds a lot like blackmail. We'd be giving them candy and S.C.A.M.P.E.R. rides for the rest of their lives.
MONTY Not the rest of their lives. Eventually, they'll have to get jobs, and when they do, they'll be far too busy to plot against the Kids Next Door.
NIGEL
(hesitantly)
But…they'll go work for villains – for Father, Mr. Boss or Stickybeard.
MONTY
(shaking his head)
Not all of them. There are normal jobs too, you know.
NIGEL
I would have to…discuss this with my superiors once things are back to normal.
MONTY(clapping Nigel on the shoulder)
Nigel, this might be the most sensible thing you've said all day.
Nigel breathes a sigh of relief.
NIGEL
And now that that's out of the way, we need to talk about our spinach therapy. How do we get out of it?
THE MOONBASE. GLOBAL COMMAND DECK. SEVERAL FRISBEESGAMES ARE IN PROGRESS, WITH THE PLAYERS NARROWLY MISSING CRASHING INTO EACH OTHER AND OTHER OPERATIVES. Sectors L, M and V ARE GATHERED AROUND THE ACTING SUPREME LEADER, NUMBUH 35
NUMBUH 35
Sector's V's hamsters were right on the money. Numbuh 1's at Greyrock.
NUMBUH 4 gulps.
NUMBUH 4
So ya want us to rescue him?
NUMBUH 35
The prison's strong, but it has one weakness. Our intelligence indicates that the entire staff goes on their lunchbreak at the same time, except for the guards in the cafeteria. That means that, judging from their response rate to our last attack, you'll have control of the sky for about 90 seconds. That should be enough time. He checks a blueprint of Greyrock on Numbuh 274's desk. We know where their cafeteria is. All you have to do is bust in, grab Numbuh One, and get out. A frisbee hits him in the head. He looks angrily at the culprit, Numbuh 363. Attention all frisbee players, clear the deck immediately! The next person who throws a frisbee at me gets Arctic Base duty for a month. He looks at the assembled operatives. Any questions?
NUMBUH 5?
How the heck is Numbuh One in juvie? We saw him become an adult!
NUMBUH 35
Yeah, and then two hours later your hamsters saw him as a kid. The Delightful Children must've thought juvie would be a worse punishment.
NUMBUH 10
Uh, Numbuh 35?
NUMBUH 35
Yes?
NUMBUH 10
Uh, I was just wondering, is Numbuh One really worth saving? Is he that important?
NUMBUH 35
He's been pegged by Numbuh 274 as a possible replacement for me, and we have only four candidates for the job. So yes, he's that important.
NUMBUH 5
Numbuh 5 thinks we should get Numbuh 274's approval for this mission.
NUMBUH 5'S HESITANCY STRIKES A NERVE WITH NUMBUH 35.
NUMBUH 35
(snappishly, to Numbuh 5)
Are you scared, Numbuh 5? If you want to walk away, it's not too late. I'll find a braver operative.
NUMBUH 5
(stung)
Numbuh 5 ain't going anywhere. Under her breath. She just hopes you know what you're doing.
AN HOUR LATER. THREE S.C.A.M.P.E.R.S. FLY OVER THE MOUNTAIN CRATER LAKE. THE RESCUE EXPEDITION IS UNDER WAY.
In Sector V's S.C.A.M.P.E.R., Numbuh Four is pacing up and down.
NUMBUH FOUR
So, has anyone evah been to this place before?
NUMBUH TWO
You mean, been jailed there? No, I think Numbuh One's the first in our generation.
NUMBUH THREE
(cheerfully)
How bad can it be, Numbuh Four? Free food, no homework, mountain air. I wonder why Numbuh One even needs rescuing!
NUMBUH TWO
That's not what my friend Henry says! He spent three month in juvie, and he still has nightmares about it. No windows, chores all day, bedtime at 8, and worst of all, no comic books! He shudders.
Clearing a mountain ridge, they get their first view of Greyrock. Except it's not what they expected. The tower is hidden by thousands of grey balloons, tethered to the ramparts.
NUMBUH THREE Yay, balloons! It's a birthday party! Ooh, do you think we're invited?
NUMBUH FOUR
Are ya crazy?! They don't throw birthday parties in juvie!
NUMBUH THREE
Then what are the balloons for?
NUMBUH 10
(on the radio)
They knew we were coming. We have to abort the mission.
NUMBUH FIVE
Not yet! The balloons could be a smokescreen. Keep going.
Numbuh Five dons a gas mask and slows down the ship, but doesn't stop it. As they make contact with the balloons, they explode, releasing vast numbers of termites. Within seconds, the termites have completely consumed the S.C.A.M.P.E.R.S'. wood components.
Everyone floats to the ground on parachutes. No time to rest, though. No sooner have they landed that six guards rise from openings in the courtyard, each of manning air cannons. With perfect aim, they fire and slam the four operatives against the wall. Then, they toss broccoli gas grenades into their midst. Numbuh Four, whose mask isn't properly fitted, and Numbuh Three, who isn't wearing one, pass out from the gas. Numbuh Two and Numbuh Five run for it. They are chased by a pack of mechanical dobermans that gain on them very quickly.
NUMBUH 5
(screaming)
Help! Somebody! Anybody!
As they round the corner, they see another pack of dobermans charging towards them, followed by a dozen more guards.
NUMBUH FIVE
Numbuh Two, save yourself!
Numbuh Two deploys his F.L.A.P.P.U.H. suit and takes off, but two more guards fire glue bazookas, which render his wings immobile. Numbuh Two plummets towards the jaws of the dobermans.
A MINUTE EARLIER. THE CAFETERIA.
The inmates are having lunch (liver and onions, hardtack and prune whip) when they spot the rescue team penetrating the balloon wall the outside scenery-supplied wall. In multiple parts of the cafeteria shouts of jubilation make themselves heard: "The Kids Next Door are here to rescue us! We're free!" "Everyone to arms!" "It's time for payback!" "Out of my way! I'm a VIP prisoner!" Some of the inmates start hurling their trays to the ground. Others swarm the guards keeping watch by the cafeteria's front door. Still others run towards the kitchen.
THE NURSE'S OFFICE.
Nigel and Monty are sitting on a bed. The nurse is at her desk, leafing through a thin folder labelled "Kids Next Door medical records: confidential". She's wearing the same kind of mask as the guards.
NURSE
I'm afraid we have no medical record for you, Monty. We have one for you, Nigel, but it doesn't say you have any – she breaks off. Wait a minute…why I am overcomplicating things? Show me your tongues, both of you.
NIGEL
(yelling)Your medical record is garbled! This is a conspiracy by Father and my school and you to get rid of me! I'm telling you, the last time I ate spinach I was in a coma for three days!
MONTY
(pleadingly)
Please, have a heart, nurse. You must hate spinach just as much as we do.
NURSE
(laconically)
I do have a heart. It tells me you're both big liars.
NIGEL
(folding his arms)
I want to speak to my mom. She can vouch for me.
NURSE
(sharply)
You're going back to the cafeteria.
Nigel takes a deep breath and gets to his feet. Then, suddenly, he sniffs at the air.
NIGEL
Is something burning? I smell something.
The nurse comes closer to him and removes her mask. She sniffs the air as well.
NURSE
I don't smell –
With one of his hands, Nigel yanks the broccoli gas can from her belt and sprays its entire content at her face. With his other hand, he throws the mask behind him. The nurse falls to her knees. She presses a knob on her watch, then passes out. The watch starts emitting a shrieking alarm.
MONTY
(extremely worried)
What have you done?!
NIGEL
(tossing aside the can and speaking quickly)
We have a chance to escape the prison now, and save my friends the trouble of rescuing us.
Nigel removes the nurse's badge (it is attached to a necklace around her neck) and puts its around his neck.
NIGEL
Follow my lead! I know how to get to the hangar, and I know the code to open it!
They exit the office and emerge onto a long hallway. Nigel and Monty make for a series of elevators to their right, sixty feet away. Just then, two guards, attracted by the noise, emerge onto the hallway. They are sixty feet away but to Nigel and Monty's left. They see the pair and give chase. Nigel hits the elevator's control box with the badge just before he and Monty are collared.
GUARD 3
Going somewhere?
GUARD 4
You two are in a lot of trouble. What did you do to the nurse?
NIGEL
(pretending to be extremely upset)
We didn't do anything! The nurse ate some spinach and she passed out and she had just enough time to turn on her alarm! Please, you have to believe me.
GUARD 4
(briskly)
Show me your tongue. Nigel does so. His tongue is blue. Would you like to explain why your tongue is blue?
NIGEL
I lied to the nurse! My tongue hasn't had time to return to its normal color.
GUARD 4
(addressing his colleague)
Go to the office and check if his story's true. I'll keep an eye on them.
Guard 3 runs towards the office. He entrusts Nigel to Guard 4.
A moment later, air sirens start to blare. An announcement is heard on four nearby intercoms: "All units, there is a riot in progress in the cafeteria. Repeat, there is a riot in progress. All units report to the cafeteria immediately."
Guard 4 hesitates. Is he more useful here or in the cafeteria? Sensing his hesitation, Nigel wrenches himself free and hits the black box with the badge. The door opens. Again Guard 4 hesitates: should he let go of Monty to recapture Nigel? Now Monty wrenches himself free and runs into the elevator.
NIGEL
(to Monty)
Out of my way!
Monty throws himself to the side. Nigel jump kicks Guard 4 in the chest, causing him to fly backwards into the hallway. The elevator doors close.
Upon arriving in the hangar, Nigel and Monty run into the nearest ship, a stone's throw away. They lock the door. Nigel runs to the cockpit's controls and looks around wildly for a sensor. He eventually finds one and slams the badge against it. Nothing happens.
Monty runs to Nigel's side. They both realise the sensor has a hand outline painted on it.
MONTY
This was your plan?! Using an access card to activate the ship?!
NIGEL
(trying to contain his panic)
I'm thinking, I'm thinking!
Outside, a banging noise is heard. They swivel their heads in its direction.
GUARD 4
Give up, you brats! You'll never be able to activate the ship.
NIGEL Why don't you stop us? Or are you too afraid to fight us?
GUARD 4
All units, this Sergeant Nobody320. Two inmates have barricaded themselves inside one of our ships. They're in the hangar. I need backup and I need it now.
Monty shakes his hands frenetically.
MONTY
Think faster!
Nigel slumps into one of the cockpits seats.
NIGEL
It's hopeless! They're going to break in. My plan never had a chance of succeeding.
Hopeless. Hopeless. Hopeless. A sense of familiarity crosses Monty's mind. Mountains of tapioca pudding. Kids at assembly lines, more dead than alive. Ben kneeling before a dark figure.
MONTY
(defiantly)
It's not hopeless yet. Come on, let's see what weapons this ship has.
Working feverishly, they begin to search for closets or hidden compartments. Nigel opens a compartment leading to the hold. It contains half a dozen yellow jerry cans of vinegar solution. Useless.
Monty is in the back of the cabin. He opens a metal closet to reveal a refrigerator.
MONTY
A fridge…fat chance of finding weapons in there.
He opens another, smaller closet overhanging the fridge. It contains stacks of chocolate and candy boxes and plastic wrap.
NIGEL
See anything we can use, dad?!
MONTY
Not really, unless we intend to give the guards a sugar rush.
NIGEL
(his interested perked)
Sugar rush? He runs to the smaller closet and sees its contents. He dumps the boxes on the floor and sifts through them. Hershey bars…peppermints…skittles…aha – smoke candy!
MONTY
(confused)
Smoke candy?
NIGEL
It's candy that turns to smoke when you burn it. It gives off a sweet smell. It could save our bacon. If only we had a source of ignition...
MONTY(eyeing the plastic wrap)
A source of ignition? I think I've found it.
FIVE MINUTES LATER. EXTERIOR OF SHIP
Guard 4 is joined by Guard 3, another guard and Mr. Paragon. Mr. Paragon bangs on the door.
MR PARAGON
Make it easy on yourself, you little hooligans! If you surrender right now I promise not to feed you to the peanut butter monster.
No response. Mr Paragon pulls out a pocket-sized laser cutter and begins cutting a hole around the door's keyhole. After twenty seconds the keyhole falls out, and Mr. Paragon swings the door outward.
They reel back in surprise. The cabin is covered in red smoke.
GUARD 5 tosses a broccoli grenade into the cabin. Its gas fails to replace the smoke.
MR PARAGON
We're wasting time. We'll have to do this the hard way!
GUARD 4
(to Mr. Paragon)
Sir, hadn't you better stay back? I don't like the look of that smoke!
MR PARAGON
You stay back! I want to deal with these little monsters personally!
Guard 4 hands over his mask to Mr. Paragon and stays outside. Guards 3 and 5 and Mr. Paragon move in, stun blasters at the ready. Guard 5 plunges into the cabin. He stumbles about clumsily, looking for another body. Mr Paragon and Guard 3 stay behind the threshold, trying to pick up noises. Nigel and Monty are waiting on either side of the door. Monty tries to take Mr Paragon's blaster from him, and Nigel does the same for Guard 3. Guard 3's blaster goes off multiple times. Green beams bounce all over the cabin's metal walls and ceiling. Monty and Mr. Paragon break contact and get down. Some beams hit Nigel and Guard 3, knocking them out. Mr Paragon grabs Monty by the neck. Monty sees a muzzle being pointed at his face. With one hand, he turns aside the muzzle. He sticks his other hand in his pocket, slips it under Mr. Paragon's mask and smears his mouth in a viscous substance: melted 200 % dark chocolate. The super-bitter chocolate burns the warden's tongue, causing him to howl in pain. He falls to his knees, incapacitated. Guard 5 hears the commotion and approaches. Monty charges at him and stomps on his foot. Guard 5 shrugs off the attack and picks him up by his shirt, but Monty steals his club and hits his hand hard enough to make him let go. Monty lungs for Guard 5's blaster, grabs it and fires wildly at his general direction. He hears Guard 5 fall to the ground. Mr Paragon, having now somewhat recovered, sees the beams' light and runs forward. Monty gets on all fours. Mr. Paragon trips wildly on Monty's body. Monty pivots to his right and delivers a knock-out shot.
Monty tries to get his bearings. He makes his way to the right side of the door, where he last saw Nigel. He finds his body and sticks one of his chocolate covered fingers into Nigel's mouth. Nigel's eyes open blearily.
NIGEL
Ugh. What happened?
MONTY
(pulling Nigel up by the hand)
On your feet, lad. He finds Guard 3. Help me drag this fellow to the sensor, and we're in the clear.
NIGEL
(trying to see through the smoke)
How many guards were there? Realisation dawns on him. Did you take them down…alone?
MONTY
(dismissively)
Just two of them. Now come on, no time to waste!
Slowly, laboriously, Nigel and Monty drag Guard 3 to the cockpit. They stick his hand on the sensor. With a whirring hum, the ship comes to life. Nigel straps himself in and takes the controls. The ventilation system rapidly sucks the smoke out of the cabin. Monty takes the seat next to Nigel. Nigel lifts off, punches in the code that Guard 1 dialled yesterday, and slowly enters one of the tunnels. Ahead of them, they can see daylight. Nigel accelerates. Within moments, they emerge into bright sunlight.
Nigel pumps his fist.
NIGEL
Yes yes yes! We did it! We broke out of juvie!
MONTY
(warningly)Don't celebrate too quickly! Look at the rear-view mirror.
Nigel checks the rear-view mirror. Sure enough, the sensor-provided view of the exterior reveals another ship behind them, almost within slingshot range. Three beams of grey light appear from the ship's wing, shift into axes, and start rapidly swinging up and down. They hit Nigel and Monty's ship, denting its tail. The ship rocks violently. Nigel barely manages to maintain control.
Nigel accelerates. The mountains beneath them turn to a blur.
NIGEL
We need air-to-air weapons. Quick, press every button on the controls!
MONTY
I've got a better idea. Bring the ship to a sudden stop, then resume moving.
NIGEL
What?!
MONTY
Just do it! He's turned off the axes.
Nigel complies. After they've regained their momentum, Monty anxiously scans the rear-view mirror. Several moments elapse, but the other ship doesn't appear.
MONTY
(euphoric)
Ha ha! We've done it, old chum. We lost him!
NIGEL
(smugly)
Next stop, the Moonbase!