THE MOONBASE. GLOBAL COMMAND DECK
On a computer, Numbuh 35 is grimly surveying the flight trajectories of Sector L, N, and V's S.C.A.M.P.E.R.S. He is flanked by Numbuh 60, Numbuh 86 and Numbuh 65.3.
NUMBUH 60
It's been more than an hour with no contact, sir. I think we have to assume the worst.
Numbuh 35 chews his fingers.
NUMBUH 35
This can't be happening.
Numbuh 65.3
Sir, we don't know what exactly happened. Maybe the operatives forgot to put on their masks. Maybe they took too long to fire their missiles.
Numbuh 35 makes a dismissive gesture.
NUMBUH 35
No, it's my fault. I shouldn't have assumed three ships would be enough. He leans on his desk and presses his helmet into his head. Oh man, Numbuh 274's gonna have my head for this.
Numbuh One walks onto the deck.
NUMBUH ONE
(loudly)
There's plenty of blame to go around, sir.
The room erupts in exclamations of disbelief. A crowd forms around Numbuh One. He is bombarded with questions: "We thought you were a goner!" "Did you get arrested on purpose?" "How did you escape?! How did you de-age yourself?" "Did you manage to free anyone?!"
Numbuh 35 strides over.
NUMBUH 35
(yelling)
"Alright alright, break it up, guys, break it up! I want everybody to clear the deck ! I need to talk to Numbuh One in private."
Some kids leave. Others don't and react angrily. "My brother's in juvie! I haven't heard from him in months!" "Numbuh 10 owes me marbles! I want to know what happened to her!" "The last time I was in detention hall, I had to bust myself out. How come Numbuh One got special treatment?!" Numbuh One, are you gonna apologise for getting fourteen operatives captured?!"
NUMBUH 35
(with resignation)
Let's go to Numbuh 274's office. We'll be alone there.
NUMBUH 274'S OFFICE.
Nigel, Monty and Numbuh 35 come inside. Numbuh 35 closes the door. He notices Monty for the first time.
NUMBUH 35
Who's this?
NIGELMy…dad.
NUMBUH 35
Your dad? Oh right – the age cigar.
A beat
NUMBUH 35
We're not supposed to let adults into the Moonbase. He'll have to wait on your ship.
NIGEL
He's not just any adult. He's my dad! I can vouch for him.
Numbuh 35 considers this assurance.
NUMBUH 35
Okay Numbuh One. On your word, he can stay.
Numbuh 35 takes a seat at the office's desk. Monty and Nigel stand in front of the desk.
NUMBUH 35
I can't tell you how glad I am you've escaped. How did you do it?
NIGEL
(very satisfied)
We had a lot of luck.
NUMBUH 35
But how did you do it?
NIGELI'll tell you later. Right now, we have bigger problems. My dad is still a kid. We need to get the age cigar back from Father and return him to his normal state.
NUMBUH 35
And uh, where is the cigar?
NIGEL
Last time I saw it, Father was putting it in his pocket.
NUMBUH 35
Is it still there now?
NIGEL
(pensively)
I don't know…What we need here is leverage. Make Father exchange the cigar for something else.
NUMBUH 35
Something else…something he cares about?
NIGELYeah.
NUMBUH 35
But what does he care about? His house? His powers?
MONTY
I think I can tell you. Adults value their children above all else. And Ben – Father – has five children. So…we kidnap them.
NIGHTIME. THE MOONBASE'S STUDY ROOM. THE ROOM IS A CARPETED GLASS CUPOLA, ROUGHLY THE SIZE OF A MOTORHOME. THE LOWER HALF OF ITS PERIMETER IS LINED WITH EMPTY BOOKSHELVES. THERE IS A CIRCULAR PICNIC TABLE AT THE ROOM'S CENTRE. NIGEL AND MONTY ARE LAYING OUT SLEEPING BAGS
Numbuh 65.3 walks in.
NUMBUH 65.3
Bad news, guys. I just received a transmission from Numbuh 2's mom: the juvie guards have started putting up wanted posters for you. Looks like you may have to find yourself a new school, Numbuh One.
NIGEL
(excitedly)
They're putting up wanted posters? How much are they offering for me?
NUMBUH 65.3
20 year's supply of candy.
NIGEL
Pfff. 20 years? I'm worth a lifetime's supply of candy.
MONTY Can I still go down there? I need to retrieve my homemade tea.
NUMBUH 65.3
I wouldn't risk it, Mr. Uno. Your house is being watched.
Monty sits down at the table and slaps his knee angrily.
MONTYPerfect! And to think this all started when I joined the Kids Next Door. What I was thinking I wish I knew.
Numbuh 65.3 exits.
NIGEL
(sitting down next to him)
You don't remember, do you? Why you joined?
MONTY
Actually, I think I do...Somehow, seeing you transformed into an adult jogged my memory. I joined because I couldn't stand to see kids trampled underfoot. But I wish I'd found another way to fulfil my goal…maybe being a private detective or a vigilante.
NIGEL
You would need lots of friends helping you to be a vigilante. I only know one in my generation.
MONTY
(thoughtfully)
I wonder if there were more vigilantes in my day. I'll have to ask Ben, if I ever manage to redeem him.
NIGELRedeem him?! You can't redeem a bad guy.
MONTYOf course you can! You just have to ask nicely. He yawns. At least that's what Ben used to say.
9 A.M., NEXT MORNING. EXTERIOR OF GALLAGHER'S TOWN HALL. A BLACK LIMOUSINE TAXI PULLS UP TO THE CURB
Father gets out of the limousine. A woman dressed in a yellow business suit, wearing blue glasses and a 'mayor's assistant' badge and standing in front of the entrance walks up to him, hand outstretched.
MAYOR'S SECRETARY
(smiling)
Mr. Wigglestein? I'm the mayor's secretary.
They shake hands.
FATHER
It's a pleasure to meet you.
MAYOR'S SECRETARY
Likewise. Your new detention hall is an inspiration to adults across the country. She looks at the sky briefly. Follow me. The mayor's waiting for you in his office.
They enter the building and go down a staircase.
FATHER
Shouldn't we be going upstairs?
MAYOR'S SECRETARY
(smoothly)
The mayor's office is being repaired at the moment. He's temporarily relocated to the basement.
They reach the basement, cross a room, and enter a narrow hallway. There is a white door at the end of the hallway. They walk to it, open it and enter the area beyond it.
As soon as Father has cleared the doorway, the mayor's assistant slams the door shut. Father looks around, alarmed. They are in a freezer room. To the sides of the door are Nigel and Monty. Nigel is wearing a green sweater, pink glasses and a brown wig, and Monty a ginger wig.
FATHER
(murderously)
You!
The room's coldness is already taking its toll on him. He falls to his knees.
FATHER
(weakly)
So this was a lie. I didn't get the keys to the city.
NIGEL
(scoffing)
You? Not in a million years.
FATHERI thought…all those years I spent…giving the world back to adults...would buy me some recognition…
MAYOR'S SECRETARY
Is there anything else I can do to help, Nigel?
NIGEL
You've done brilliantly, Mrs. Gilligan.
MONTY
How can we repay you?
MRS GILLIGAN
Rescue Hoagie from jail. He stuck his neck out for you. That's the only reason he's in there.
NIGEL
We'll do everything in our power to free him.
Mrs Gilligan gives a nod of acknowledgement and exits.
Monty walks over to Father and kneels beside him.
MONTY
Let's talk business, Ben. After you left for town hall, the Kids Next Door stole your house.
FATHER
You're lying. My Delightful Children would never have had let that happen.
NIGEL(calmly)
Your children did try to stop us. They're good, but we outsmarted them.
FATHER
(clenching his fists and trying vainly to burst into flames) What did you miserable brats do to them?!
NIGELThey're on their way to a secret location.
MONTY
And so is your house.
Father gives a weak but sinister laugh.
FATHERThis is all part of a plan to get me to turn over…the cigar? Well I got bad news for you, Monty. The cigar's gone.
MONTY
(turning pale)
You're lying!
FATHER
I crushed it…to little pieces. Get used to being a kid, Monty. You're stuck that way.
Monty pats Father down frantically. He doesn't feel a cigar on him. He gives a hard stare at Father.
MONTY
You wouldn't do this to your own brother. Where's the cigar?
FATHER
(narrowing his eyes)
You're pulling the 'I'm your brother' card? Too late, Monty. Thirty years too late.
NIGELI don't believe him. Pull out his tongue!
Monty pulls out Father's tongue. It's…red.
NIGEL
Huh?
FATHER
(dripping with wicked glee)
Were you trying to do the tongue thing? It doesn't work on me.
MONTY
How –
FATHER
I spent several years eating magic licorice. It turned my tongue permanently red.
A beat.
MONTY
(frustrated)
This doesn't change anything. We still have your children. And the Kids Next Door are already working to reverse their brainwashing.
FATHER
(with a hint of uncertainty)
They won't reverse anything. The delightfulisation process is permanent.
NIGELThen maybe we should go. Come on, dad. He makes to leave.
FATHER
Wait! I need time to think about this. If I…agree to a deal, I'll contact you.
NIGEL
How will you contact us?
FATHER My teen ninjas…
Nigel
(addressing Monty)
We got what we came here for. Let's go before someone finds Father.
Nigel and Monty drag the villain to a corner of the room, where he can't be seen when the door nearest to them is open. Monty dumps a box of ice cubes on him. They exit the room.
12 P.M. MOONBASE GLOBAL DECK. NIGEL IS STANDING BEFORE NUMBUH 35 NUMBUH 65.3 AND NUMBUH 86
Nigel salutes Numbuh 35.
NIGEL Numbuh One reporting for duty.
NUMBUH 35
At ease, soldier. I've asked you here because we were hoping you might have information about the prison.
NUMBUH 86
You stupid, stupid kid! Why did you take on Father singe-handedly?! What were you thinking?! You've cost us some of our best operatives!
NIGEL
(annoyed and embarrassed)
I didn't take him on. My dad did.
NUMBUH 86
Then you should have stopped him!
NIGELThat's easy for you to say! Have you ever tried to say no to your dad?
NUMBUH 86
Plenty of times!
NUMBUH 35
(firmly)
That's enough, Numbuh 86! Save the ranting for after the meeting.
NUMBUH 86
I'm not ranting! And I say we suspend Numbuh One, so he can reflect on his actions.
NUMBUH 35
We'll leave that for Numbuh 274 to decide. Let's move on. Numbuh One, can you tell us anything about Greyrock's defences?
NIGEL
(upset from Numbuh 86's words)
I...I'm not sure. I didn't see the rescue attempt. I know how I escaped, but the guards will probably learn from their mistakes.
NUMBUH 65.3
We lost contact with the rescuers almost instantly. We don't know if they were shrunk, frozen or blown to pieces. If we knew, it would really help plan the next rescue mission.
NIGEL
They're still using underground tunnels to access their hangar. Maybe next time we could cave in the tunnels?
NUMBUH 86
(intrigued)
I'm can't believe I'm saying this, but that's not a bad idea.
NUMBUH 35
(warmly)
We'll look into it. That'll be all, Numbuh One.
1 P.M. DEEP SEA SCIENCE LAB. THE DELIGHTFUL CHILDREN ARE STRAPPED TO SEMI-VERTICALLY POSITIONED GURNEYS. THEY ARE COVERED IN MUD FROM HEAD TO FOOT
Numbuhs 74.239, Numbuh 71.562, Numbuh 60, and Numbuh 275 are standing in front of them.
NUMBUH 60
(scooping some mud from a jar)
Still not gonna talk, huh?! Let's see if some mud in your hair will change your minds.
Numbuh 71.562 holds up his hand.
NUMBUH 71.562.
Wait. Delightful Children, let's be nice to each other. How would you feel if your dad was taken away from you?
For the briefest of moments, the Delightful Childrens' faces register thoughtfulness. Then:
DELIGHTFUL CHILDREN
Nigel Uno was a bad child! He deserved to have his dad de-aged!
NUMBUH 71.562
What if we offered you drinks? Would that make you more willing to talk?
DELIGHTFUL CHILDREN
No! Father warned us never to accept drinks from strangers.
Numbuh 256K sighs in frustration.
NUMBUH 256K
Numbuh 60, I think it's time we escalated our interrogation.
NUMBUH 60
Escalated? How do you mean?
NUMBUH 256K
I'm thinking spinach, broccoli and…clips of My Little Pony.
NUMBUH 74.239
(with deadly earnestness)
We don't do that to our enemies.
NUMBUH 256K
So how do we get them to talk? We've been at this for two hours!
NUMBUH 60
Hopefully, Father will agree to an exchange. Then we won't need them anymore.
EVENING. THE MOONBASE'S ARCADE ROOM. NIGEL AND MONTY ARE PLAYING A GAME OF AIR HOCKEY
MONTYI still think we should have captured him.
NIGEL
(half-heartedly pushing the puck towards the other end of the table)
If we'd failed, even more of us might have ended up in juvie.
MONTY
If we used some giant balloons to lift up the town hall, just like we did for the Delightful Mansion –
NIGEL
It still would've been too risky. And we used all our giant balloons on the Mansion.
Clang! The puck sails past Nigel's mallet and into his goal.
MONTY
That's 10-1. Is something bothering you, Nigel? You seem a tad distracted.
Nigel considers telling Monty about the incident with Numbuh 86, but he doesn't want to upset him.
NIGEL
I've been doing some thinking about the exchange.
MONTYWhat about it?
NIGELI don't want anyone going with me. Apart from you, if you insist.
MONTY
(looking at Nigel as if he has two heads)
Are you crazy?! Mr Paragon is sure to send his goons. And so is Ben, if he has any.
NIGEL
I don't care. I don't want anyone risking capture because of me again.
MONTY
(very earnestly)
Nigel, it's suicide. I won't allow it. If you want to go in alone, you must have a back-up plan.
NIGEL
(conceding the point)
Okay. I'll come up with a back-up plan.
DINNERTIME. THE MOONBASE CAFETERIA
Nigel and Monty are looking at today's menu. The choice for main courses is between meatball subs, cheesecake pizza, triple fried chicken and mac and cheese (gooey, extra-gooey, and extra-extra gooey). Nigel has a walkie-talkie clipped to his belt. It crackles to life.
NUMBUH 65.3
Nigel, this is Numbuh 65.3. I've received a message from Cree. She says Father's agreed to the exchange.
NIGEL
(relieved) Thank goodness. Where and when?
NUMBUH 65.3
Tomorrow at 800 hours, on a sky platform over Poughkeepsie.
8 PM. MOONBASE LIBRARY.
Nigel is rummaging through a bookshelf, looking for Rainbow Monkey Romance comic books. The walkie-talkie on his belt comes on again.
NUMBUH 65.3
Numbuh One, I've got bad news.
NIGEL My teacher brought me more homework?
NUMBUH 65.3
Not yet. But Sector THT's been searching the Delightful Mansion for two hours now. And so far, they haven't located the cigar.
NIGEL I can't say I'm surprised. Keep me posted, will you?
NUMBUH 65.3
Affirmative, Numbuh One.