Oblivious no more

by deLattre

What if Monty Uno had been less oblivious during Operation G.R.O.W.U.P?

7. Chapter 7

8 A.M. A SKY PLATFORM, 16000 FEET OVER POUGHKEEPSIE. A CLEAR BLUE SKY. THE PLATFORM IS ABOUT FOUR TIMES THE SIZE OF NIGEL'S LOCAL POOL

A S. .P.E.R. touches down on the edge of the platform, and Nigel, Monty and Numbuh 66 exit from it. Father is waiting for them at the centre of the platform, flanked by two ice-cream men. They walk up to him.

NIGEL
Let's this exchange over with, you black-hearted tyrant.

FATHER
(gleefully)
Now Nigel, is that any way to talk to your old uncle? You're embarrassing me in front of my guests.

NIGEL
Guests? Is that you call your henchmen?

Father snaps his fingers twice. The first time, a cage of solid fire materialises around Nigel and Monty. The second time, fifty Greyrock ships trucks appear out of thin in the vicinity of the platform. Six ships alight on the platform. Dozens of guards stream out of them. Numbuh 66 lets out a bellow of fear. Mr. Paragon exits one of the ships and approaches Father. He is carrying a short t-shaped cane.

MR PARAGON
(clapping his hands)
Splendid, splendid! I owe you an apology, Father. I didn't believe you when you said they'd be dumb enough to show up alone.

NIGEL
I'm afraid you're the dumb ones, Mr. Paragon! We came prepared. He takes out a small game console and presses one of its button. A moment passes. Nothing happens.

All the villains laugh mockingly.

FATHER
Poor, predictable, Nigel! I figured you'd try to use your mustard cannon, so I siphoned its mustard last night.

NIGEL
Oops.

MONTY
(whispering to Nigel)
Nigel, I really hope you have a back-up plan that you didn't tell me about.

NIGEL As long as we have Numbuh 66 and the ship, we stand a chance of escaping.

NUMBUH 66
(talking to himself)
He siphoned the S.P.L.O.R.C.K.? That's impossible!

Numbuh 66 screams and bolts for the S.C.A.M.P.E.R. He lifts off and disappears from sight. The villains redouble their laughter.

NIGEL
(crestfallen)
You've got to be kidding me.

Two guards approach the cage and lift it. Father raises an eyebrow.

FATHER
(sarcastically )
Oh I'm sorry, are they suddenly your prisoners now?

MR PARAGON
(also raising an eyebrow)
What are you talking about it? They're going back to Greyrock.

FATHER
Back to Greyrock? I don't think so. They're coming with me: they belong in a jail they won't break out of.

ICE-CREAM MAN 1
Plus, they need to be interrogated.

MR PARAGON
(piqued)
Oh, so we're not capable of interrogating prisoners? Is that you're saying? Hmm? Trust me, we've successfully interrogated thousands of kids. We call it intensified spinach therapy.

GUARD 1
(furtively)
Uh, Mr. Warden, we don't have any more spinach. The inmates threw away every last leaf.

MR PARAGON
(stunned)
All of it? I thought we had enough left for fifteen people.

GUARD 1
(embarrassed)
We did, but some weird chubby kid ate all of it. Said he enjoys being miserable.

MR PARAGON looks put out.

Father chuckles.
FATHER
Well well, isn't this an embarrassing predicament.

MR PARAGON
(meekly)
Maybe we could buy some spinach from Evil Adult Industries? Us villains have to stick together, right?

FATHER
(scathingly) Villains? Give me a break. You're not villains, you're amateurs.

Mr Paragon turns a deep shade of magenta.
MR PARAGON
Amateurs? Whose house got stolen yesterday?

FATHER
Smurf man, you're starting to really make angry. Pack it up and get out of there OR ELSE!

MR PARAGON
(exasperated)
That does it! He touches his earpiece. All units, terminate Father with extreme prejudice!

Father transforms into a black dragon, almost as big as Nigel's treehouse room. He breathes a plume of fire in all directions except the cage's. Greyrock's ships pelt with him puppies, and Father takes to the air. Mr Paragon also takes to the air, using a jetpack. He fires tranquiliser darts out of his cane at Father, but they appear to have no effect. Two guards leap onto Father's head and try to cover his eyes with their stetsons. The ice-cream men bombard them with ice-cream cones, causing them to lose their balance and fall to the platform. Several guards spray broccoli gas at the ice-cream men, scoring direct hits. Other guards are using puppies as shields, or hiding behind the cage.

NIGEL
(to Monty)
Quick dad! Put your legs through the holes in the cage. They both do so and lift up the cage. Now run for the platform's edge!

A guard spots them.

GUARD 2
(shouting at the top of his lungs)
The kids are trying to escape! Don't let them get away!

But Nigel and Monty have already reached the edge. They leap, and start falling.
Ten ships peel away from the battle and follow them. Soon Nigel and Monty are surrounded. Several ships fire grappling guns at the cage. Nigel responds by putting his hand through an opening in the cage and firing a bubble blaster, creating a shield around them. A missile streaks towards them. Nigel dissolves the shield, but then a grappling gun cable snatches away the bubble blaster. Another cable hooks on to the cage and starts to reel it in. Monty desperately tries to bend the cage's bars, but they hold firm. They are reeled into a ship.

NIGEL
(wailing in despair)
Oh, how could I let Numbuh 86 get to me?! Why didn't I bring more backup?!

Onboard, two guards sticks their hands through the cage's bars and search Nigel and Monty.

GUARD 1
(to his colleague)
The warden says things are under control on the platform. We're to go straight back to Greyrock.

Moments later, the S.C.A.M.P.E.R. returns, coated almost entirely in mustard. It uses a giant saw to cut one of the ships in half. The other ships fires missiles, but the S.C.A.M.P.E.R.'s mustard coating makes it heat-reflective. The missiles turn around and blow up all but one of the remaining ships. The last ship pulls back, almost out of sight. Numbuh 66 slows down enough to allow Nigel to fly himself and Monty to the S.C.A.M.P.E.R. and board it.

Nigel and Monty run to Numbuh 66's side, bewildered and overjoyed.

MONTYYou came back! I was sure you'd deserted us!

NUMBUH 66
I never deserted you! I went to check the S.P.L.O.R.C.K.

NIGEL
Why?!

NUMBUH 66
I knew Father couldn't have siphoned mustard; it's too sticky! It turns out he just changed the S.P.L.O.R.C.K.'s direction. So I made a super quick call to Global Command, got them to fire mustard at my ship, and here I am!

NIGEL
Excellent work, Numbuh 66. You really are a technology officer!

MONTYGet us out of here, Numbuh 66. Before more Greyrock ships come after us.

NUMBUH 66.
Roger that. I can't wait to tell my team my story!

8.15 A.M. THE LINCOLNS' KITCHEN

Cree is having a bowl of cereal. She casts an absent-minded eye at this morning's newspaper, which her mother left on the table a few minutes earlier. Cree notices the headline and her eyes widen. She chuckles.

CREE
Cree, this is your lucky day.

CREE(speaking through her earpiece)
Boss? This is Cree.

On the other line, Father is sitting in an ice-cream truck grazing the surface of the Hudson river. Missiles from six pursuing Greyrock ships scream towards the truck. Father deploys chaff (e.g. blocks of ice), destroying them at the last second. Six more ships are hovering above the truck. A gun mounted on the roof is sending toffee ice-cream into their gun barrels.

FATHER
I'm a little busy right now! I've got the overgrown smurf and his goons on my tail!

CREE
I've just seen something you're going to like.

2 PM. NUMBUH 35's OFFICE. NUMBUH 35 IS AT HIS COMPUTER.

Nigel enters.

NIGEL
Hey Numbuh 65.3. Did my school send you my homework for today?

Numbuh 65.3 swivels around to face Nigel.

NUMBUH 65.3
Uh, actually Numbuh One, your principal says that you're expelled.

NIGEL
Expelled?! Why?!
NUMBUH 65.3
Mr. Paragon called your school and told them you cheated on your last history test. He says he's got witnesses ready to testify. Classmates of yours.

NIGEL
But – I – he sighs wearily. My friends are never going to believe this.

8 PM. THE MOONBASE STUDY ROOM. MONTY IS AT THE TABLE, CHISELING A RECTANGULAR BLOCK OF WOOD. ON ONE SIDE, HE HAS FORMED A DOVE WING. NOW HE IS WORKING TO ADD A SIMILAR WING TO THE OPPOSITE SIDE

Nigel comes in and dumps a pile of school applications on the table.

NIGELI just returned from Numbuh 65.3's office, dad. More bad news. Sector THT still hasn't found the cigar. I'm starting to think it isn't in the mansion.

MONTY
(letting go of his chisel)
You know, Nigel, I think it might be time for a change of tactics.

NIGELWhat do you mean?

MONTY
When Ben and I were growing up, he used to hide things he valued around our house.

NIGEL

Why?

Monty shrugs.
MONTYPappy would take them from him otherwise. Anyway, he would always use the same hiding places – places that represented his hobbies or his desire for power.

NIGEL
(processing what Monty has just said)
So you think he did the same thing for the cigar?

MONTYIt's a long shot, but it's worth investigating.

10 PM. TETIORA ATOLL, TAHITI: HEADQUARTERS OF SECTOR THT. UNDERNEATH SECTOR THT'S TREE HOUSE, LOCATED ON THE BEACH, STANDS THE DELIGHTFUL MANSION. A S.C.A.M.P.E.R. APPROACHES AND LANDS ON THE BEACH. NIGEL AND MONTY EXIT FROM IT.

They take stock of their environment. Gently swaying palm trees, squawking seagulls, and water lapping onto sand.

MONTY
(pricking his ear) I think I hear something. It sounds like footsteps on carpet. Are your teammates in the mansion right now? NIGEL I don't know. I haven't been able to make contact with them since we left the Moonbase. I think I'll fly up to Sector THT's treehouse and see if anyone's home. If no one's home then – Something about the space between him and the Delightful Mansion catches his attention.

MONTY
What?

NIGEL
There are footprints in the sand leading to the mansion – adult footprints.

Nigel breaks into a run towards the mansion, closely followed by Monty. He reaches the front door's threshold, crosses it, and collides with someone coming out. He falls on his bottom. He rubs his head gingerly and looks at the person he's run into. It's Father.

Father stands up.
FATHER
(sneering)
Oh look, if it isn't the dream team, come to look for the age cigar.

Father pushes past Nigel.
FATHER
You're too late, Nigel. The cigar's mine again.

MONTY
How – how did you find the mansion?

Father produces a newspaper. Its headline reads: MYSTERY HOUSE SOARS TO FAME. It's coupled with a picture of the Delightful Mansion.

FATHER
The house was seen flying parallel to a Los Angeles-Hong Kong flight. All I had to do was search every island on the plane's itinerary.

Nigel brandishes a mustard gun, but Father whips it out of his hand.

FATHER
You won't be needing your toys. We're going to have a friendly family conversation. He ensnares Nigel and Monty in flames lassoes.

MONTY
It would be much friendlier if you dropped the sarcasm.

FATHER (discarding the newspaper and ignoring Monty)
Listen closely. I've decided to accept your deal. Give me back my Delightful Children, and I'll turn Monty back into an adult. But I get my house back, and Nigel has to serve out the rest of his sentence at Evil Adult Industry headquarters. He looks at Nigel and Monty expectantly. Do we have a deal?

NIGEL
Not on your life! I'm not going back to prison.

FATHER
Have it your way. I've delightfulized children before, and I can do it again.

MONTY

Do you honestly think Mr. Paragon would allow you to keep us?

FATHER

That moron? What makes you think I care what he wants? He's the most pathetic excuse for a villain I've ever done business with.

NIGELHe's smarter than you give him credit for. He learns from his mistakes! Why do you think the Kids Next Door's attempt to rescue me failed?

Father doesn't reply. He adopts a poker face.

NIGEL
Face it, Father! You can't fight off the Kids Next Door and Greyrock at the same time.

FATHER
(wavering)
You're bluffing. They'll never work together.

MONTY
(forcefully)
Are you willing to take that chance? Because if they do work together, and you lose Nigel, no villain will respect you anymore. You'll go back to what you used to be: a loser.

For a long, agonising moment, Father says nothing and remains impassive. Then he removes the age cigar from a hidden compartment in his shoe.

FATHER
You win this round, Nigel Uno. I won't lock you up. But if you ever interfere with my plans again, I'll turn your worthless dad into a child permanently.

Father raises the cigar and points it at Monty. With a zap and a glow of molecular-altering energy, Monty is an adult again.

NIGEL
(overjoyed and scarcely able to believe this is happening)
Dad! You're back! Oh, this is the happiest day of my life!

Nigel and Monty throw themselves into each other's arms.

FATHER
(impatiently and sarcastically)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love you, you love me, we're a happy family. Now where are my children?

NIGEL

I'll need my Supreme Leader's approval to set them free. Just let me go to Sector THT's treehouse.

TWENTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER. SECTOR THT AND MONTY ARE GATHERED AT THEIR BRIEFING ROOM'S TABLE. THEY ARE DRINKING MUGS OF TAHITIAN VANILLA PUNCH. THE KIDS ARE CHATTING TO MONTY IN AN AMIABLE MANNER

Numbuh 020, the sector's leader, leans forward towards Monty. She has long black hair, and is wearing a straw skirt and a green bikini.

NUMBUH 020
(deferentially)
I heard about your escape from juvie, Mr. Uno. I think it will go down in Kids Next Door legend.

MONTY
(affably)
You're being too kind, Numbuh 020. My son did most of the work. Well, him and the rioters.

NUMBUH 020
(raising her mug)
A toast. To Mr. Uno!

Everyone clinks their mugs and slowly takes a drink.

Meanwhile, Nigel is in the treehouse's mission prep room.

NIGEL
(via a viewing screen) Numbuh 65.3, I need to talk to Numbuh 35 again.

NUMBUH 65.3
Is it Supreme Leader-related? Because Numbuh 274's back from his field trip.

NIGEL
Oh, he is? Well can you tell I'm on my way to the Moonbase? I need to talk to him ASAP.

HALF AN HOUR LATER. NUMBUH 274'S OFFICE. NUMBUH 274 IS AT HIS DESK. NIGEL IS STANDING IN FRONT OF IT

NUMBUH 274
No, Nigel. Absolutely not.

Numbuh's 274 tone brooks no argument. It's just as Nigel feared.
NIGELBut why not?

NUMBUH 274
Because even if teens agreed to keep tabs on each other, nothing would stop them from sharing our secrets with other villains. We can't let that happen.

NIGEL
Well, what if we bribed them to keep our secrets?

NUMBUH 274
Then they'd take our bribes and spill our secrets regardless.
A beat.

NUMBUH 274
(soberly)
I'm sorry, Nigel. I can't bend the rules for you on this one.

Nigel is trapped behind a rock and a hard place. It's a feeling as hateful to him as it is unfamiliar.
NIGEL

What am I supposed to tell my dad?

NUMBUH 274
Tell him he should understand your choice, since he made the same one as a kid.

FORTY MINUTES LATER. THE UNO'S BACKYARD

Monty is walking through the wreckage of the treehouse. Nigel comes join him. A grey dirigible hovers above their house. It is searching the premises with a spotlight. The spotlight lingers briefly on Nigel before moving on.

MONTY

So, what did Numbuh 274 say?

NIGEL
He said no. He threw your bribe idea out the window right off the bat. And I can't say I blame him.

MONTY(slightly incredulous)
But you're his friend. He can't bend the rules for you in the slightest?

Nigel
(shaking his head)
No. But he said – he said you would understand my choice, since you made the same one when you were thirteen.
Monty squeezes Nigel's shoulder.
MONTY
(with considerable restraint)
Nigel – I understand your choice, of course I do – but I also know what it will cost you.

A beat.

MONTYIs there nothing I can do to change Numbuh 274's mind?

NIGELIf I couldn't change his mind, I don't think you can.

Monty lowers his head. He looks utterly despondent.

Nigel is at a loss as to what to say.
NIGEL
I know what – This is – Is there anything I can to make you feel better? What if we played some sousaphone together?

MONTY
(giving an absent-minded smile)
Thank you Nigel, but perhaps later. Right now I need to have a good long chat with your mother.

THE NEXT DAY, 11.30 A.M. THE MAIN DECK OF THE SWEET REVENGE. A LIGHT RAIN IS FALLING. MONTY STANDS BEFORE STICKYBEARD AND HIS CREW. BETWEEN THEM SITS A SMALL VAN'S WORTH OF CANDY, THE RESULT OF FOUR HOURS OF FRENZIED PURCHASE AND PACKING BY HIMSELF AND HIS WIFE

STICKYBEARD
So, matey, the first mate tells me ye wish to ask me a favor?

MONTYThat's right. I want your help to get rid of the Kids Next Door.

STICKYBEARD
So ye have a bone to pick with these scallywags, eh? Well, ye've come to the right ship. They've been a thorn in our side for years.

MONTY Does this mean you'll help me?

STICKYBEARD
Well, I suppose if we got into space we could do something for you, but, uh –

MONTYBut ?

STICKYBEARD
We can't go into space: we 'ave no space suits!

The rain grows heavier. Stickybeard's crew begins moving the candy to shelter.

MONTY

Is there any way you could get some?

Stickybeard scratches his beard pensively.
STICKYBEARD
As far as I know, there be only one crew that makes space suits for villains: Evil Adult Industries.