Chapter Three: Aurora

You believe there's somewhere else
Where it's easier than this
And you see outside yourself
And you buy the hole you'll fill
And it's on and on and on and on and on

The Foo Fighters

…

"Good morning, Leni," Meredith said as cheerfully as possible as she walked into the young girl's room early the following morning. Five-thirty seemed to come earlier and earlier every day.

"Are you all right, Meredith? You look exhausted. Were you on call last night?" Leni wondered.

But Meredith shook her head. "No, I… um, I had a date, actually."

"Ohh… okay. I understand," Leni grinned.

"No! It wasn't anything like that…" she began to explain but stopped herself. Although she knew better than to share such personal details with a patient, something about Leni seemed… comfortable and familiar. Sort of like an old friend.

"So, what's he like? Does he work here in the hospital?" Leni wondered eagerly, hoping to get Meredith to open up. She had spent quite a bit of time in hospitals in her life, and she knew that her time would be much more pleasant if she made friends. And she had a particular fondness for interns because she knew how terrifying it could be to be thrown into an unfamiliar situation.

Trying desperately to avoid the conversation for fear of saying too much, she replied instead, "Okay, Leni, I'm going to take your blood pressure to make sure everything's all right."

"You don't have to tell me; it's okay if you don't want to get into all the personal details. Just answer one question: It's not Alex, is it?"

"Definitely not. Why would you think that? You don't like Alex very much, do you?"

A gentle smile spread across Leni's face before she answered. "It isn't that I don't like him; actually, I don't think he's all that bad. Last night, he came to check on me when he thought I was asleep. He sat in here with me for at least ten minutes, just talking. But then a nurse walked by and he made some lewd remark and followed her down the hall," she shrugged. "By the way, who is Izzie?"

"She's one of our interns. Why?"

"Just a question," she replied nonchalantly then continued, "But anyway, that's why I was wondering… I was just going to tell you to keep him on a tighter leash if he was yours."

"No, he isn't mine. He isn't anyone's at the moment," Meredith laughed, then suddenly found herself saying, "I'm seeing a guy named Finn. He's a veterinarian."

"Nice. It's a good sign if animals and babies like him. You can borrow Elle once she's born, and put Finn to the test," she teased, placing a hand on her stomach.

"Elle—that's a pretty name."

"Elena, actually. After my mother. She… died when I was a baby. Addie met her while she was in the hospital; my mom asked her to look out for me." She paused for a moment, as though trying to find the perfect words to recall the memory that had formed in her mind. "When I was born, Addie stayed in the nursery with me for three days straight until they got in touch with my father. She didn't want me to be alone."

"You and Addison are really close, aren't you?"

The young girl nodded. "My father and I were never close. The truth is, he only took me in out of obligation. Addie and Shep were the ones who really loved me. They're like the parents I didn't get, and they've told me that I'm the child they would've wanted if they could have." Leni paused for a moment, knowing that she'd said a bit too much; she could see it in Meredith's eyes. She couldn't quite read her expression, but she knew there was something more to it. "She's made mistakes, and so has Derek, but they've got the biggest hearts of anyone I know."

"Yeah," Meredith agreed, but her mind was on the remark that Leni had just made. The question of why Derek and Addison had no children had often crossed her mind; they both seemed to like children and were so good with them. But this shed a new light on things. Didn't and couldn't were two very different situations. And her other remark—she's made mistakes, and so has Derek—also made Meredith wonder just how much Leni knew about everything that had happened between New York and Seattle. "So, are you nervous? About the surgery, I mean?"

"A little bit. It's surgery, you know? I've had so many, but it's always a little bit scary. I'm really worried about Elle, though. I trust Addie completely, of course, and she's the best in her field, hands down. But it's still surgery. At least I was a little bit older before all my surgeries started; she isn't even born yet, and already we have to do this."

Leni's maturity surprised Meredith; she couldn't think of any other fourteen-year-old who could handle such a situation with so much grace. She knew that she probably wouldn't be able to even at her age. "She'll have a better chance for a normal life with this surgery. Her case isn't the worst kind, and like you said, Dr. Shepherd is the best in her field. But other than pre-surgery jitters, are you feeling all right?"

"Yeah, I'm all right. Are you?"

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

She shrugged. "I don't know. Just asking."

"Well, I am. And thank you for asking. You should try to get some rest. We're going to have a busy day—lots of tests and machines and those sorts of things."

"Story of my life. And you should take your own advice—get some rest, too. All you surgeons think you're so invincible, but I've watched them drop like flies. Did he give you the speech? The one about eight switching, five cracking under pressure, and two being asked to leave?" When Meredith nodded, Leni replied, "I've heard that speech. And it's the truth. All I'm saying is the surest way to failure is by thinking that you won't fail."

"I'll remember that," Meredith nodded as she turned off the light in Leni's room and stepped out into the hall.

…

"Hey, you're here early," Derek said as he crossed Meredith in the hall about ten minutes later.

"Just taking care of some pre-rounds. You're here early yourself."

"I wanted to spend some time with Leni before things got too busy," he said with a smile. "Have you rounded on her yet today?"

"Yeah, I did. She's fine; her vitals and the baby's are stable. I was just going to book a CT for later this morning. Is there something you needed, Derek?"

He paused for a moment, then said, "I was wondering if maybe you wanted to join me for a drink at Joe's tonight?" Seeing the look on her face, he added quickly, "You know, as friends. We could do some catching up. Maybe grab a bite to eat or something. What do you say?"

"Um… Sorry, I can't tonight."

"Oh," he replied disappointedly as he realized why. He knew it shouldn't have bothered him so much that Meredith was seeing Finn; he was her friend, so that meant he was supposed to be supportive. Didn't it? Somehow he wasn't so sure.

She forced a smile despite the slightly awkward moment. "I'm gonna… go. You know, book the CT."

As Meredith was walking down the hall, she caught Alex's attention and he stopped her. "What's wrong with you?"

She was tempted to make some remark about what Leni had told her earlier, but she decided against it; it wasn't her place to say anything, and, however untactfully, Alex was trying to be a good friend. "It's good that I'm trying to have a relationship that isn't based solely on sex, right?"

"Seriously?"

"You wanted to know what was wrong, so I'm telling you. If you didn't want to know, then why'd you ask?"

Meredith started to walk away, but Alex quickly took hold of her arm and stopped her. "Look, Mer, you do what you have to do, all right? If you wanna date McVet, then date McVet. If he makes you happy, then forget about what everybody else has to say. And if you don't, well, then don't. All right?"

She smiled. Sometimes he was truly surprising. "So, you okay?"

"Oh, yeah. Of course I am," he said with his Cheshire cat grin, but Meredith could see through the façade. "Except Satan's whore has me on vagina squad till God knows when."

"Could be worse," Meredith laughed.

"Yeah, how?"

As she started to walk away, she teased, "She could make you do rectals. Maybe I could suggest it since you're so unhappy with what you're doing."

"Don't even think about it, Grey!" he called after her as she walked down the hall laughing.

…

"Morning, Sunshine," Derek whispered as he walked into Leni's room.

"Morning, Shep," she answered sleepily. "It's it time for my tests yet?"

"No, not yet," he said gently as he sat on the edge of her bed. "I'll let you go back to sleep in a minute; I just wanted to see how you were feeling this morning."

"You don't have to go," she smiled. "So, what's that look on your face for, Shep? And don't lie because I can tell when you're lying."

Derek sighed. Leni knew him all too well; she always knew what he was feeling without him having to say a word. He ran his hand through his hair, trying to figure out exactly what he wanted to say; there was so much that he needed to explain but couldn't even understand for himself.

"You don't have to tell me. If you don't want to, you don't have to talk about it. But I think you should… If not with me, then with somebody. Keeping it inside isn't good for anything," she advised.

And he knew that she was right; sometimes Derek wondered how someone so young could have so much insight. He was glad she was there to put things into perspective, just like in the days when normalcy was the constant. He drew in a deep breath and then poured his heart out.

"I'm sorry. It's hard when nothing makes sense, isn't it?" Leni finally said, not judging or condescending. Just understanding, like she always was. Then a coy look overcame her face as she added, "But I don't know why they're fighting for you so damn hard, Shep. You snore."

He laughed and questioned, "When did I ever snore?"

"Seriously? When you used to come take naps in my room in the middle of a forty-eight hour shift, you sounded like a buzz saw. I didn't hold it against you because I knew you were exhausted, but it's the truth."

"Why didn't you ever wake me up then?"

A smile came over Leni's face as she whispered, "Because I knew that if you would be awake, you'd leave. And I didn't want you to leave."