Chapter Five: Feel the Silence

And if we feel the silence
Holding this all inside
Everything means more now than
Words could explain
And if we feel the silence
Leaving this all behind us
When it's gone, what will you say?
How do we hold on?
You lie awake at night
With blue eyes that never cry

The Goo Goo Dolls

…

"You're not coming anywhere near me with a needle today," Leni said the following morning as Meredith prepared to change her IV. She could tell that Meredith was beyond furious, and she decided that her arm wouldn't be the best outlet for that anger. "I never thought I'd say this, but Alex, you do it."

Alex took over while Meredith moved to stand in the corner, her arms folded in front of her. In reply to Leni's silent question, Alex just shook his head as though to say, "Don't even open that can of worms."

When Derek walked into Leni's room a few minutes later, Meredith gave him a look and walked out without explanation.

Leni and Alex shared a glance as Alex commented just loud enough for Leni to hear, "Hell hath no fury like an ex-mistress scorned by her former boyfriend while he was drunk and saying things to her new boyfriend at the local bar."

But by the way Derek was looking, they both knew better than to say anything. His normally tidy appearance was a far cry from that; it was clear that the room was spinning as he attempted a professional demeanor.

Derek sat down in the chair next to Leni's bed and began, "I've been looking over your brain CT this morning, Leni, and…" But he couldn't bring himself to finish.

"Is it that bad, Shep?" she asked, for the first time beginning to worry. She was afraid that she was running out of time that was so precious to her unborn daughter. "Tell me the truth."

"The truth is that we need to do something about this as soon as possible. You've got an anaplastic oligodendroglioma on your temporal lobe. That means it's growing fast, and in essence, time is running out."

Leni took a deep breath as the reality sank in. "Elena comes first, though. If it's down to her or me, I'm going to choose her. I'm not having the surgery until I'm sure that she has a good chance of making it."

He nodded and took Leni's hand into his. The thought of losing her was almost more than he could bear, and he hoped desperately that her tumor would progress slowly enough to give them sufficient time to save both Leni and Elena. "All right. We're going to do your operation after Elena has had her surgery and is delivered. Addison is going to come and talk to you more about that, but we'll need to get Elle's done soon. You're currently at twenty-six weeks, and if we're lucky, Elle will hold on until at least thirty weeks. Then we'll take care of you."

Alex questioned Derek, "Can't we do the surgeries in a shorter time range? Why do we have to wait until she delivers? Wouldn't it be possible to perform Leni's surgery with the baby still in the uterus?"

But Leni was the one who answered. "I'm not having surgery until I'm sure that Elle can survive. If something happened to me during my surgery—not that I don't think you're an amazingly brilliant surgeon, Shep; I'm only being hypothetical—then that would mean Elle would be at risk, too. I won't do that to her."

Normally, Alex would have made some remark about that kind of decision, but for the first time, he could understand why someone would make that choice. Maybe it was because it felt like Leni knew more about her own condition than he did; maybe it was because that she had genuinely started to grow on him.

"Okay, then," he nodded and gave her a kiss on the forehead, just like he'd done since she was a little girl. "Don't be scared, Len. Addie and I are going to take care of you," he whispered assuringly. "You don't need to worry about anything, okay?"

"All right," she said, but they both knew that she didn't mean it.

…

"Whoa, Mer… what's the matter?" Cristina questioned as Meredith stormed past her in the hallway.

"I hate Derek. Really, I do," she fumed, and in reply to Cristina's sarcastic expression, she proceeded to explain the previous night's happenings. "And then he just got up and left. He must have one hell of a hangover this morning, though… Serves him right," she concluded. "I wonder what his problem is. Seriously."

Cristina just nodded but didn't say a word. It was so painfully obvious what McDreamy's problem was: He still loved Meredith. Of course, this was obvious to apparently everyone except Meredith and Addison, but that was an issue best left alone; it had caused enough trouble already. And as for Meredith and the Shepherds being "friends," Cristina knew there was a better chance of her giving up medicine to join the circus than that happening. "Where was the She-Shepherd?"

Meredith shrugged. "He said at home with a headache, but I don't know." After a brief pause, she said, "I have to go pick up the results of Leni's blood test. I think Addison may be doing the baby's surgery tomorrow."

"That soon? Seriously? And Evil Spawn gets to see it. God, I wish I would've pissed off the She-Shepherd."

Meredith laughed and quipped, "I'm sure there's still plenty of time for that. And Alex would probably be so grateful."

"You know, on the other hand, just knowing that he's so miserable is worth it."

Unbeknownst to the two interns, Addison had accidentally stumbled into their conversation at precisely the moment Meredith was revealing Derek's episode at Joe's. He hadn't wanted to talk about where he'd been that night, but she could smell the alcohol on his breath, and she knew.

However, she regained her composure and made her way to Leni's room. "Good morning," she said as cheerfully as she could manage. "Are you ready to talk about Elena's surgery, Leni? There are some things that I'd like to go over with you if you're feeling up to it."

Leni nodded. "Yeah, I am. How soon can you do it?"

"That's one of the things I wanted to discuss. The sooner Elena has the operation, the larger the impact it'll have, according to the statistics. I'd like to do the surgery tomorrow afternoon; I know it's sudden, but it's for the best."

"Okay. Whatever you think is best, Addie," the young girl agreed. She put on a brave face, but she was growing increasingly more afraid. Now that there was an actual date for the surgery—merely hours away—it all seemed too harshly real.

"For Elena's surgery, we're going to open up your womb and perform the operation without actually delivering her. We'll turn her over to be able to reach the exposed nerves, and we'll stretch the skin over the opening and sew it up. We're also going to insert a shunt to prevent hydrocephalus. Then we'll keep you on medication and bed rest until she's ready to be born. She'll probably need another surgery once she's a little older, but she should go on to lead a relatively normal life." Seeing the expression on Leni's face, she said, "I know it's a lot to take in, and I know it might seem overwhelming right now. But you have to keep your hopes up, Leni. Just think about how much Elena's life will be improved by these operations."

Leni just nodded and forced a smile. She would never mention it to Addison, but it wasn't Elena's surgery that she was worried about. Of course, it did weigh heavily on her mind, but she had complete faith in Addison's ability. What was on her mind was a secret that she had to keep until it just couldn't be hidden anymore.

…

No matter how hard she tried, Leni couldn't manage to fall asleep that night. Her mind was racing, and sleep was out of the question. She knew it was late; the soft footsteps in the hall, random beeping noises of the various machines in the surrounding rooms, and the occasional voice of a passing doctor or nurse were the only sounds she could hear.

With an impending month of strict bed rest, Leni decided that she would risk a short walk, if only for a brief change of atmosphere. However, she had barely made it out of her room when she heard someone calling out to her from down the hall.

"Hold on, Speedy. Where do you think you're going?" Cristina demanded as she hurried in Leni's direction.

"Speedy? Not exactly. But I was just going for a walk, nowhere too far," she replied casually.

But Cristina was unrelenting. "Nowhere too far is right; you need to get back to bed. It's two in the morning, and I don't think the Shepherds would be too happy if they knew you were wandering around the hospital in the middle of the night, right before your surgery."

"I'm about to be put on four weeks of bed rest, and since I've been here, the only things I've seen beside my room have been gigantic machines where I have to lie still for an hour or rooms where I get poked with needles so they can take stuff out of me or pump stuff into me. All I want is ten minutes of something other than a reminder of why I'm here," Leni pleaded and watched as Cristina's stern expression faded into empathetic contemplation.

"Don't move; I'll be right back," she instructed and returned a moment later pushing a wheelchair. "Sit down. I'll give you your ten minutes. As long as you're not walking around unattended, I don't see how it's going to hurt anything."

Leni smiled graciously and sat down. "Thank you, Dr. Yang," she said as she read the name off of Cristina's ID badge. "So, where are we going?"

"You've won an all-expenses paid trip to the vending machine," Cristina joked, surprising herself at her cheerful mood. "And… you can just call me Cristina if you want."

"Okay, Cristina. I hope I packed the right clothes," Leni teased back as Cristina wheeled her into the elevator.

Cristina and Leni finally arrived in an empty hallway where a few abandoned gurneys lined the walls. "You want anything?" she offered.

But Leni shook her head. "I can't. I'm not supposed to eat anything before the surgery," she shrugged. "This place is really peaceful; I like it down here. Is this where you guys hang out?"

"Yeah, pretty much," she answered as she tried to decide between pretzels and potato chips.

"Cristina… do you have kids?"

The question caught her off-guard, and she stared at Leni in silence for a moment before answering, "No, I don't. Why?"

"How do you choose? When it comes down it, how do you know what's right?" Leni questioned.

"What do you mean?" Cristina wondered, but she got no reply because the next moment, Leni's body was overtaken once again by a violent fit of seizures.

…

How are you guys liking it? I'm thinking of writing a sequel if enough people want me to, so input is greatly appreciated!