Chapter Seven: Honesty

Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you
I can always find someone
To say they sympathize
If I wear my heart out on my sleeve
But I don't want some pretty face
To tell me pretty lies
All I want is someone to believe

Billy Joel

…

"I'll see your stick of gum and raise you a pretzel," Leni said as she tossed a pretzel onto the tray near her bed. A week had passed since the operation, and she was finally starting to feel a bit better again; George and Alex, who had both been assigned to remain by Leni's side, found it to be a welcome break from the chaos of their normal hospital routine.

"O'Malley, you in or what?" Alex questioned.

After a brief pause, George decided, "No, I fold."

"Why are you even playing if you're just gonna fold every time? Dude, you have to take some risks. Leni's kicking both our asses."

Just then, Cristina passed them as she was walking through the hall. Doubling back, she questioned, "What are you doing?"

"Losing," Alex replied. "Hey, Crackwhore, you any good at poker? Fetus isn't helping at all, and I want my lunch back."

Cristina looked at him for a moment then asked, "Why would I help you, Evil Spawn? Leni, keep kicking his ass."

"C'mon. What else do you have to do? Are you scared you might lose, Yang?" Alex goaded with a grin.

Defensively, Cristina pulled up a chair next to them. "No, I'm not scared. And I could kick your ass any day of the week, Karev."

"All right, let's finish this hand. I have two pair—threes and nines," he smiled.

A discouraged look came over Leni's face, and she let out a heavy sigh. "Man, this sucks. I have a pair of queens." But just as Alex went to take the winnings, Leni put her hand over his and continued, "Good thing I called their twin brothers over for a visit. Sorry, Evil Spawn. Looks like you're gonna go hungry this afternoon."

"Dude, how is it possible for you to win almost every hand that isn't a draw?" he questioned as he threw his hands up in defeat. "I'm seriously taking you with me to Vegas one of these days."

Leni laughed, then winced in pain. She was still sore from the operation, but she was determined not to let it ruin her good time.

"Are you all right, Leni?" George asked in concern. "Do you need to rest?"

"No, I'm fine," she assured them. "Really, I'm okay. I'm just a little bit sore… it's nothing. C'mon, Karev, deal the cards. You've got Twinkies that I wanna win."

But suddenly, Alex was all business. "No, I think it's time for a break, Leni. I'm going to check your bandages, and then we'll let you rest for a while. The Shepherds'll be pissed if we wear you out too much."

"Okay, fine," Leni agreed, knowing that he was right. "Will you come back later?"

As he changed the bandage over her stitches, he smiled and nodded. "Of course. You have all my food, and I want it back." Leni smiled, and Alex couldn't help but smile back.

…

"Hey, Meredith, I'd really like to talk to you about the other night," Derek said, finally managing to corner her after a week of failed attempts. She didn't say anything, so he continued, "I'm so sorry. That was out of line, and I apologize. I don't know what got into me or why I said those things, but I didn't mean them. And I'm sorry."

"Is this always what it's going to come to, Derek? Us hurting one another and apologizing, just to do it again?"

"What are you saying, Meredith?"

She took a deep breath and sighed heavily. "I don't know anymore, Derek. Don't you ever just get tired of it all?"

"Tired of what?"

"Nothing… just forget it. How's Leni?"

"She's doing great," he smiled as her name was mentioned. "She keeps asking about you, though. It would mean a lot to her if you stopped by to say hello."

She nodded. "I'll do that, then. I've been meaning to anyway. Well, I have to go… check on some labs. 'Bye, Derek."

"But we're okay, though, right?" he called after her.

"As close as we'll ever be to okay, I guess," she shrugged, leaving him standing alone in the hallway as she walked away.

Derek put his hands to his head and tried to make sense of everything—to sort things out in his mind and understand how things had fallen apart so quickly. At that moment, there was only one place he wanted to be.

…

"Shep! Thank God… Alex and George and Cristina all left me, and I'm about to go crazy with boredom," Leni greeted him happily when he showed up in her room a few moments later.

Even on his worst day, Leni's smile could make everything seem all right. Suddenly, the memory of the little girl he'd come to love so much came to mind, and he couldn't help but smile.

"Shep!" the two-year-old squealed excitedly as he appeared in the doorway.

"Hey, Leni. I have a surprise for you," he told her and watched as her eyes grew wide as he handed her a chocolate chip cookie. He lowered the railing and sat on the edge of her bed and continued, "I need someone to talk to, Leni, and I think you just might be the perfect person. Is that okay?"

"Okay," she repeated happily, with a mouthful of cookie, giving him a smile that never ceased to melt his heart.

"I think… that I want to ask Addison on a date, but… I don't know if I should or what to say or… I don't know. All of a sudden, she's all I can think about. Except when I'm around her, then I can't seem to think at all. Tell me what to do, Leni."

"Addie?" the little girl questioned and grinned knowingly; merely an hour before, Addison had been sitting in the same spot, confessing nearly identical sentiments to the young child.

"What do you know that I don't, Lennon Rose Campbell?" Derek laughed and tickled her, causing Leni to break into a fit of giggles. After a moment, he stopped and wondered again, "So what's your verdict, Len? Should I ask Addie out on a date?"

Still smiling, she echoed, "Ask."

He patted her affectionately atop her dark curls before he stood to leave. "I'll see you later, Len. And thanks for your help, kiddo."

"Bye-bye, Shep!" she waved. "Love you!"

"Love you, too, Len."

"Sounds like you had quite a party going on in here," he said, bringing himself back to the present moment, as he took a seat next to Leni's bed.

"I was just beating the pants off them at poker," she grinned and pointed to the large pile of vending machine snacks. "I'm feeling kind of bad about winning Alex's lunch, though, so I might have to go easy on him and let him win it back."

"Looks like I may have taught you a little too well, Len."

"Uncle Richard always said I was painfully like you," she told him; she had always taken the remark as a compliment. "So, what's on your mind? I mean, I know I'm gorgeous and all—nauseous and green and cow-like is in this season and these pajamas are the fashion statement of the year—but I'm pretty sure that's not why you're here."

Derek sighed. "Tell me what to do, Len. I just wish that things could go back to the way they were—when things made since at least part of the time."

"Sometimes letting go takes more than holding on, doesn't it?"

"So you think that Addison and I should let go?"

But Leni shook her head. "I didn't say that. But Addie isn't the only one you're holding onto, is she? You have to make a choice, Shep. You can't have them both, but you could just as easily end up with neither." She stopped for a moment and let her words sink in before she continued. "I know that what happened—what Addie did—was a terribly painful thing for you. But she was hurting, too, Shep. That doesn't make it right, but this game that you're playing… that isn't right, either."

"Looks like I've dug myself into a pretty deep hole, haven't I?"

"Yeah, you have," she agreed. "But you know what? I'm standing on the edge of the hole, waiting to pull you up. But you have to start climbing so I can reach."

"How is it that you're always right?"

"You know I love you all so much, Shep, but you guys screw up way too much for me to even think about making a mistake. Who would take care of you? Sometimes it seems surgeons are so busy fixing other people that you don't even realize how broken you are."

He laughed, mostly because he knew that it was the truth. "Good thing I have you to keep me in line, Len."

"You know I'm only telling you all this 'cause I love you so much and I care, right? I'm not trying to make you feel bad or anything. I don't have a long time to say all the things that need to be said, so I'm not missing a single opportunity."

"You 'don't have a long time'? Where are you planning on going, Miss?"

"You know, back to New York. I can't live at Seattle Grace forever, Shep."

"Actually, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. Staying, I mean. In Seattle, not the hospital."

Leni laughed and asked, "With you and Addie?" When he nodded, she questioned further, "Do you seriously think there's room for four people and a dog in a trailer? Addie told me there's barely room to think as it is now, and there are only two of you and Doc."

"We'd figure something out," he assured her. "Think about it. At least until you get back on your feet after your surgery."

She paused for a moment, but there was so much weighing on her mind with the present that she almost didn't even want to try to fathom the future because any thoughts aside from here and now were nothing that she wanted to dwell upon. "I'll think about it," she agreed.

"Len… Are you okay?" he asked, noting the expression on her face.

"Yeah, I feel fine," she said and forced a smile.

But he wasn't convinced. "You sure?"

"Shep, you've got enough to worry about. Seriously, don't worry; lucky for me, some problems have easy solutions."

He nodded. "You know you can talk to me, though, if you need to, right? I don't mind, and I've always got time to listen to my best girl. I know I've got a lot going on, but I'm never too busy for you, okay?"

"I know," she whispered. But she had the feeling that what she was keeping would break his heart.