Chapter Twelve: Always on Your Side

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear?
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear?
Or are you left to wander, all alone, eternally?
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No, it isn't how it's really meant to be
Well, they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side

Sheryl Crow and Sting

…

Derek walked into Leni's room early one morning the following week and tried to put on a cheerful air. "Good morning, Sunshine. So today's the big day. Are you all ready, Leni? They'll be in to prep you in a few minutes and then we'll get started."

"I'm not having the surgery, Shep. I don't want it."

"Len, I know it's a scary surgery, but we need to do this. It's the only way you're going to get better."

"Better until when? Until Elle is old enough to know what's going on? I'm so tired of being sick; it seems like I'm always fighting to survive instead of living my life. I don't want that anymore. However long I have left, I don't want to spend plugged up to machines and staring at blank walls."

"Leni, be reasonable. Without this surgery, you have weeks. Weeks, Leni. Don't you want to live?"

"Yes, Shep, that's exactly what I want to do."

"Len… Come on. You've done this before, remember? You'll have the surgery, then you'll be fine," he tried to remind her.

"You showed me the CT. I'm not a doctor, but even I could see that there is no possible way for you to excise the entire tumor without causing brain damage," she requited.

He hadn't even mentioned the extent of the tumor's growth to her when he'd shown her the scan, but he knew that he had been foolish to think that she wouldn't recognize it. After all, with the amount of time he'd spent studying up in her room—even just brushing up as a resident—it was inevitable that she would pick some of it up. "There's always chemo and radiation therapy," he offered.

"I'm not going through all that again, Shep. It didn't work the first time, and I've had enough. I'm just… not doing it."

"I'll be right back. I'm going to find Addison; maybe she can talk some sense into you," he said and hurried out the door and down the hall.

A few minutes later, he returned with Addison in tow. Leni could tell that he'd just been explaining things to her, and by the look on her face, she obviously shared Derek's sentiment about Leni's decision.

"What's this about you not wanting the surgery?" she questioned.

"That's all there is to it, Addie. I don't want it. I'm done. I was never planning on going through with it in the first place."

"So you're giving up, just like that? You won't even try anymore? Leni, you have a daughter to think about now."

Leni sighed. "I'm not giving up, Addie; I'm accepting the reality of the situation, and I'm letting go. And as for Elle… well, actually you have a daughter now."

"What are you talking about?"

She leaned over and opened up the bottom drawer of the bedside table, pulling out a folder of papers and handed them to Addison. "I had these made up before I left New York; they're adoption papers. I want the two of you to raise Elle; I want the two of you to be her parents. I asked her biological father to sign over his parental rights, and he already has. This is what I've wanted all along, before I even knew that the tumor had come back. And now that I'm sick, it makes even more sense. I know you're both busy with your careers, and I know it might be crazy to try to raise a child right now… but you always managed to make time for me. You two are practically the ones who raised me, and I want Elle to have a chance at that. When I'm gone, you two are the only people in the whole world that she's going to have." She suddenly felt much lighter now that she wasn't hiding anything from them anymore.

In Leni's entire life, this was only the second time she'd seen Derek cry; the first had been right before he left New York for Seattle. Yet in those tears, she saw acceptance. Addison, however, was not so willing.

"Leni, I won't let you give up; you've still got so much life ahead of you, Sweetheart," she pleaded. "I'm going to get Richard. Maybe he can reason with you."

"Even Uncle Richard won't change my mind. I've made my choice."

When she saw that Leni was unrelenting in her decision, she said emotionally, "I won't just sit around and do nothing while I watch you die!"

"That's not what I'm asking you to do, Addie. I'm not asking you to stick around if it hurts too much; I just want you to understand why," Leni said gently.

Finally, Addison lost all composure and collapsed into a fit of tears. As she wrapped her arms around Leni, she whispered in between sobs, "What am I supposed to do without you?"

…

"Hey, Sweetheart," Addison whispered to the little girl lying peacefully in the incubator. She looked so small and fragile, yet so safe confined behind the plastic walls. A small part of Addison wished she could always keep her that safe, but she knew that pain was inevitable for everyone. "I know you must be wondering what's going on. I just want to promise you that no matter what happens, there will be someone to take care of you, Elena. I promise you, okay? Mommy's here."

It felt so surreal to look down at that little girl and comprehend the fact that she belonged to her now. Or would belong to her when Leni… But she didn't want to think about that. Instead, her thoughts drifted to a scene nearly like this one, over fourteen years ago.

Addison sat in the nursery rocking the newborn to sleep. Her shift had been over for more than four hours, but she hadn't been able to manage leaving the little girl's side for the past few days. Addison couldn't bear the thought of leaving the tiny child all alone, motherless and without anyone else in the world to care for her.

"They've gotten in touch with your dad, and he's on his way to the hospital soon, Sweetheart," she whispered, wishing that Elena would have given her a name. "Baby Girl Cortez" just didn't seem to be cutting it. She had been running different names through her head for hours and finally decided on Rose.

A tap on the glass window caught her attention, and she looked up to see her attending, Dr. Richard Webber, looking back at her. "I'll be back in a minute, okay?" she whispered as she laid the infant down. Outside the nursery, she discovered Richard standing next to a man in a business suit who looked like he would rather be anywhere else at the moment.

"Mr. Campbell, this is Dr. Montgomery. She was the intern assigned to Ms. Cortez's case, and she has been the one in charge of your daughter," Richard introduced them.

A faint look of disappointment came over his face as he remarked, "Nobody told me it was a girl."

"She's a very beautiful, healthy child, Mr. Campbell," Addison assured him. "Would you like to see her?"

He shrugged and said unenthusiastically, "I guess I'll have to, won't I? Which one is she?"

Addison smiled as she pointed to the sleeping infant. "That's her. The one with the dark hair." She paused for a moment then wondered, "Have you decided on a name? Elena didn't give her one."

"I don't know. I was expecting a boy, so I didn't spend too much time dwelling on girls' names. I was going to call him Lennon." He paused for a moment, then said, "Oh, what the hell. I don't have the energy to come up with another name, so Lennon it is. Have any suggestions for a middle name?"

She was a bit taken aback by his nonchalant attitude, but she managed to reply, "I've been calling her Rose."

"Yeah, that'll work. Lennon Rose Campbell. Whatever. So, when will she be ready?"

"Tomorrow afternoon," she answered, shooting Richard an uneasy glance.

"All right. Well, that doesn't give me much time to find a nanny and get all the crap that she's going to need, but I'll just have my assistant arrange… something." He looked at his watch and said suddenly, "I have to go. I have a meeting in thirty minutes. I'll be by tomorrow to pick her up and sign whatever needs to be signed." And with that, he was off.

"Dr. Webber… Is the hospital honestly going to let that man take her?"

"He's her father, Dr. Montgomery. Legally, she belongs to him, and we have to release her to his custody. I know you're worried about her, but there is nothing that we can do," he tried to reason.

But Addison was growing visibly upset as she continued, "But the way he looked at her… That's not the way a father looks at his child. Elena gave her life for that little girl, and that man barely gave five minutes."

"Addison," Richard said sternly, catching her attention. It was the first time he'd ever addressed her so informally. "You're getting too attached. You need to think like a doctor. You can't protect every patient from everything, even the children. It's hard, but it is a reality you need to accept if you want to make it as a surgeon."

But as she stared through the glass window at the little girl, sleeping so peacefully, she whispered, "If I don't protect her, then who will?"

Elle's tiny fingers gripped Addison's tightly, as though to reassure her that everything would be all right. For just a moment, it was the two of them… with no worries and no pain. However, the moment was fleeting as the realization of what was happening finally registered in Addison's mind.

…

"Do Derek and Addison know you're out here?" Meredith questioned when she discovered Leni sitting outside of the hospital, in her robe, pajamas, and slippers. "And Alex and George are probably turning the halls upside down looking for you. Let's go back inside."

But Leni shook her head and stared up at the sky; the sunrise was brilliant, and there was a breathtaking explosion of pinks and oranges and blues as the sun chased the evening away into morning. "Beautiful, isn't it? Do you know how long it's been since I've been able to just sit outside and take a breath of fresh air and not be stuck in a tiny hospital room?" When Meredith shook her head, Leni replied, "Neither do I."

It was clear that, at least for now, there was no convincing Leni to go anywhere. So Meredith decided to join her instead. "I'll tell you what's on my mind if you tell me what's on yours," she offered.

"Okay," she agreed, then confided, "I'm not having the surgery. I just told Derek and Addison, and I know it's breaking their hearts, but… I just can't do it anymore."

"Leni…" Meredith whispered as she took hold of Leni's arm. She, too, hated the thought of anything happening to the young girl with whom she had become so close. She wondered if the other interns already knew, but she didn't ask. Instead, she confessed, "I decided to break it off with Finn."

"That's too bad; he seemed like a really nice guy."

She sighed. "He is. I just… can't make myself feel the way I should about such a wonderful, perfect guy. He deserves somebody that will love him, and… I just can't seem to give my heart to him fully. Does that make sense?"

Leni nodded and assured her, "It does. You can't make your heart feel a certain way even if your head tells you to. You can't help who you love or who you don't love. You know what I'm talking about, don't you?"

"Yeah, I do," Meredith replied tearfully as she and Leni continued to sit there in silence, contemplating the choices they had made and wondering whether they should be listening to their heads or their hearts.