Chapter Thirteen: Run

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long good-bye
I nearly do
Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you, dear

Snow Patrol

…

"Hey, it's just me," Izzie said when Leni opened her eyes as she went into her room that morning to round on her. In just three weeks she had gone from vibrant and full of life to fragile and quiet. Her seizures came almost daily now, despite the magnesium sulfate, and it was difficult to bear. It was almost painful to see her that way—knowing what she once had been—but they were all determined to stick by her and support her to the end.

They were all trying to make what little time Leni had left comfortable and happy. One night, the five interns had planned a movie marathon complete with junk food and staying up all night watching old Brat Pack films—obviously not Alex's first choice, but he suffered through it for Leni's sake. Izzie also knew that Addison and Derek had taken Leni on a ferryboat ride, at the young girl's request.

"Can I get you something?" she offered.

She shook her head but wondered in barely more than a whisper, "How is Elle?"

"They're discharging her today; she's over four pounds now, and Addison thinks she'd be better off out of the hospital since she's doing so well," she told her and was glad to see a smile cross her face.

"Do the others know yet?"

She nodded. "Meredith is the one who told me. She'll probably be by here later today to tell you herself." They all went to see Leni every day for as long as they possibly could—checking on labs that couldn't possibly have been ready yet, doing the menial tasks that they used to complain about during the first weeks of their internship, even declining surgeries—all for the chance to spend a few precious moments with Leni. Of course, the interns weren't the only ones; nurses and other doctors—even The Nazi herself—frequented the young girl's room. Izzie would never say aloud what they were all feeling; they wanted as much time with her as possible because the end was inevitably near.

"Okay," she agreed, seemingly a little weaker than only moments ago.

Izzie was sure that it was just her imagination—that Leni's voice wasn't weaker and her face wasn't paler—but the thought disturbed her all the same. "Are you sure I can't get you anything?"

"No, I don't need anything. But if you see the others, I'd really like to talk to all of you. If you aren't busy later."

Her request surprised Izzie, but she assured her, "I'll tell them. Are you sure you're okay?"

She smiled sadly and said what nobody else wanted to admit. "I'm dying, Izzie. There is no 'okay' for me." When she saw the look that overcame her face upon taking in those words, she added quickly, "Sorry. I didn't mean to be so morbid. It's just that everyone is acting like this isn't happening, like I'm going to be fine. Like I have a cold or something. I just don't want the reality to hit too hard for everyone who's in denial."

She rubbed Leni's arm comfortingly and lingered a moment longer before leaving.

…

"What's wrong?" George questioned as Izzie joined them at the table for lunch.

She didn't want to talk about the conversation that she'd just had with Leni. It wasn't something that she wanted to think about. "I'm fine."

"How's Leni?" Alex wondered and took a bite of his sandwich and handed Izzie the other half.

Avoiding the question, she answered, "She asked to see us later."

"All of us?" Cristina wondered, and Izzie nodded. "When?"

"When we have time was all she said. She wants to talk to us," she explained further but was met with looks of simultaneous curiosity and worry.

"I've got time right now; later I have to go finish up some paperwork for Elle's discharge this afternoon," Meredith spoke up. "Is everybody good with now?"

They all agreed, and the five of them made their way to Leni's room, where she greeted them with a smile. "That didn't take long. What? Do they just not make you guys work anymore or something?" she teased.

"Yeah, right," Alex grinned, happy to see her in high spirits. "So, what's on your mind, Len? It must be that you've missed staring at this gorgeous face, right?"

They all turned to give him looks of disbelief and Cristina even scoffed. However, Leni was amused and agreed playfully, "You've got me all figured out, I guess."

"Seriously, Alex," Meredith laughed as she sat down on the edge of Leni's bed. "Elle gets to go home today. I know you haven't been able to go see her in a while, but she's doing so great. We've been taking good care of her for you."

"I knew you would," she smiled. "Which leads me to my point. I just wanted to say thank you. I know it's your job to look after sick patients, and I know that Uncle Richard probably did everything possible to keep me happy. But you guys really went out of your way for Elle and me, and I just want you to know that it means a lot to me. So thank you for everything."

"I'll let you in on a little secret—we had fun, too," Izzie grinned.

Leni looked at each of them. Ever since she could recall, through all her hospital stays, she always had a particular fondness for the interns. She wasn't sure why—perhaps it was because they just seemed most like the ones who needed someone to be rooting for them or maybe it was because she liked the bond that always seemed to form between them. "Will you promise me something?" she asked them, and they agreed. "Promise me that you'll take care of one another. Look around at one another; you're family now. These are the people you've laughed with, cried with, have been scared out of your minds with, and have shared success with. Promise me that no matter what, you'll remember that."

They looked at one another, realizing just how true Leni's words were. Months ago, they had been strangers; now, just as Leni had said, they were family. They were all the things that she said. And they agreed, suddenly aware of just how fleeting and precious every moment with someone you cared about could be.

…

"Hey," Addison said as she walked into Leni's room later that afternoon and discovered her staring blankly past the muted TV. "What're you thinking about?"

"Do you remember the summer house where you and Shep used to take me? With the beach and the horses?"

She nodded and replied, "Our summer house in the Hamptons. You loved it there." Memories of laughter and sandcastles and nights spent trying to count the stars came to mind. She remembered holding tightly to the little girl's hand, Derek holding the other, as they walked through the waves, Leni's giggling and cheerful chatter as the soundtrack to their days. She remembered things making sense. She remembered being happy.

"Take Elle there when she's older," she requested. "And make sure she has Amélie."

"I'm sure she'll love it there, too. You still have Amélie?" Addison wondered with a smile.

"She's in my bag," Leni replied, and Addison discovered that the doll, despite being Leni's constant companion for over a decade, was still in amazing condition. "She's been a good friend all these years."

Addison recalled her then new husband's almost manic search for a doll with eyes the exact shade of green that Leni's were. She had assured him that the three-year-old would love any gift he chose, but he replied that he wanted it to be perfect. She had jokingly wondered if he'd spent that much time trying to find her engagement ring, but he answered that Leni had been with him for that and had actually made the decision for him, so it was much less complicated.

Just then, Derek surprised them both as he walked into Leni's room with Elena, small and delicate in her carrier. She was dressed in a pale pink dress with a matching bonnet, sleeping peacefully and looking very much like a doll herself. In a little over a month, she had defied the odds and was ready to leave the hospital. "Hey, Len. Look who I brought to see you. She's going home today."

"She looks so beautiful, and she got so big," Leni whispered as she managed to weakly stroke Elena's tiny arm with her finger. "I love you, Elle. Addie and Shep do, too, and they're going to take such good care of you. Be a good girl for them, okay? And always remember that I love you."

Suddenly, Leni's face grew even paler and her breathing became harsh and forced; the smiles that had been on Addison and Derek's faces only seconds before now faded to worry as they realized what was soon to come.

A nurse was passing by in the hallway, and Derek instructed, "Page Dr. Grey; tell her to get here stat."

A moment later, Meredith arrived at Leni's room, looking a bit confused. "The nurse said you—" she started to say, but Derek interrupted.

"I need you to take Elena and… just keep her until one of us comes to get her," he said, handing the carrier to her. He lowered his voice and continued, "I don't want her in the room when…" But just looking at Leni said it all.

"Okay," she whispered and, after one more glimpse in Leni's direction, took the infant into her care.

Then it was just the three of them. Had the situation not been so dismal, they would have relished this time. For years, it had been the three of them; they had been a family. And now the little girl whom they had watched grow up over the years was slowly fading away before their very eyes.

Derek recalled another instance, so similar to this one. He and Addison had stood vigil at the five-year-old's bedside as she battled a case of pneumonia. They scarcely moved from her side for three days, silently willing her to fight with everything she had. Then she had opened her eyes and smiled at them, and all was well. But he knew that this time, it wasn't his place to ask her to fight. As much as it hurt him, he had to let go.

Addison was already holding Leni's hand when the little girl called out softly, "Shep?"

"I'm right here, Len," he assured her and grasped onto her other hand. "Addie and I are both right here."

"I'm sorry," she told them, on the brink of tears.

"Sweetheart," Addison smiled, "you have nothing to be sorry about, okay? We're both right here." She didn't know what else she could possibly say right now; she would have given anything to take Leni's place… To let the little girl have another chance. But all her years of experience had taught her that simply wishing doesn't make things go the way you want them to.

"Please don't forget to let Elle know how much I love her," she asked and nearly brought tears to their eyes. "And tell her…"

At Leni's pause, Derek softly urged, "Tell her what, Len?"

She took a deep though shaky breath and finished, "Tell her that sometimes, you're supposed to fight, and sometimes, you're supposed to let go. Being strong means knowing the difference."

"I'll tell her," he promised.

"Will you read to me, Shep?" she requested, and he took her favorite book from the bedside table and opened to a random page; they both knew the story so well that they could start off from anywhere and still understand.

"'You can't get away from yourself by moving from one place to another,'" he began. However, he hadn't gotten farther than that single sentence when Addison spoke his name in alarm.

Leni's vitals were dropping and her heartbeat was weak. Her grip on Addison's hand was loosening, and a sickening feeling was settling in both their stomachs. There was no more denying the inevitable.

She looked up at them with her big green eyes, but there was no fear. Oddly, there was a look of serenity. With her free hand, she removed the oxygen mask from her face and smiled, "I love you." Then she closed her eyes and a moment later, the eerie screech of the heart monitor's flatline filled the room.

Derek looked at Addison and watched as she let go of Leni's hand and moved a stray strand of hair out of Leni's face. She then looked up at him as he forced back the lump in his throat and whispered, "Time of death, twenty fifty-two."

Addison suddenly felt numb; everything seemed so surreal, like she was in a terrible nightmare and would wake at any moment. However, deep down, she knew better. Strangely, she embraced the numbness because she knew that soon, it would be replaced with heartbreaking pain. "I should… I should probably go call Bill; I'll see what arrangements he wants made. There's the funeral and whether he wants her in Seattle or in New York… And Richard needs to be told, and I need to see about Elena. So I should… go do that."

"Addison…" he began but was suddenly at a loss for words. At that moment, despite all the things that had gone on between them, she was the only other person in the entire world who could even begin to fathom how he was feeling; he just wanted to reach out to someone who could understand.

"I'm gonna… go. I should… I need to go take care of things," she stammered in a daze and took the doll with her before she made her way out the door.

All he could think as he looked at her was how beautiful and peaceful she looked… Like an angel. "Len… I hope I'm strong enough to let go," he whispered as he leaned over to kiss her forehead and then burst into tears with his head on her shoulder.

…

At that very moment, Elena was inconsolable; she had been crying for the past twenty minutes. Despite all the interns' best efforts—including bribes, pleading, and nearly crying themselves—no one could stop her tears. They were sitting in their abandoned hallway, trying to find a haven amidst the confusion.

"Come on, Bambi. Can't you do something?" Cristina questioned in exasperation. They had given her to George in the hope that he would have some luck—Cristina had been quick to volunteer him—but nothing was working.

"I—I'm trying. I don't know what's the matter," he replied.

"Do you think she's hungry?" Izzie wondered to Meredith. "Or maybe her little tummy hurts."

But she shook her head and replied, "I just fed her half an hour ago." Then she added, "And I burped her and checked her diaper. I don't know what's wrong. She was fine until just a few minutes ago; you all saw her."

"Give her to me," Alex said suddenly, surprising them all. "Hey, Green Eyes. What's all the fuss about, huh?" he said soothingly as he took the little girl into his arms. She was a little bit calmer for a moment, but her tears had yet to subside.

A moment later, Addison paged Meredith, so the entire group got up and headed toward the lobby. Alex quickly told her, "She won't stop crying. We've tried everything."

"It's okay. She's probably just tired; she's had a busy day. I'm going to take her home to rest," Addison said in a tone that they'd never heard before, and they noticed that she was unconsciously clinging to a doll with dark curls and a red satin dress. And then they realized. She saw the look on their faces and told them, "I know you were all very close to her, and I'll be sure to let you know what arrangements have been made."

"Addison," Meredith began, a bit unsure exactly what to say. If she was hurting this much, she could hardly imagine what Addison was going through. "Do you want me to call you a taxi? I don't think it's a good idea for you to drive."

"I'll be fine. I'll go home with Elena, and Derek will stay here with Leni until they take her to…" But she couldn't bring herself to think about them bringing her beautiful, sweet little girl to that cold, hollow morgue. "Leni's father is flying in from New York on the first available flight out. But thank you for taking such good care of her."

However, they weren't sure whether Addison had been referring to Leni or Elena; they had the feeling that she didn't really know either. They watched her slowly walk away and then turned to each other in silent questioning. But no one had any answers; the only comfort they found was in one another's presence.