Writer's Block II
By: QDT
Disclaimer: Twinkle, twinkle, little star,
This belongs to JKR.
NOTE: I am in no way, shape or form trying to insult original authors who use such plotlines as mentioned later in the story; I only mean to insult those who use them with bad grammar and no originality. If you happen to be a terrible writer and use those plotlines, by all means, feel free to flame me, I don't value your opinion anyway.
This one was not written under the influence of chocolate, so I am forced to take all credit.
It was a normal afternoon in the Head's Common Room at Hogwart's School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Both Draco and Hermione were there, doing their homework. There was no sexual tension. They were not arguing. Ravel was playing in the background, and Draco was not complaining about the muggle music. It was actually rather boring.
The Queen of Duct Tape was getting fairly pissed off. She burst into the room through the portrait hole, not bothering to come up with a password because she was suffering from writer's block and thus not feeling overly creative.
"Do something," she complained, and rooted in her bag for a stick of gum, shedding duct tape like some people shed dandruff.
"Like what?" asked Draco, having finished his Charms essay. "Last time you told us what to do. No hula."
"He's right," said Hermione, still working on her essay, which was already a foot longer than Draco's. "You are the author. It's not our fault you don't have any good ideas. At least give a couple of suggestions."
"Well," QDT huffed, "since you guys have completely disregarded the basic laws of Murphy in the standard love triangle plot line, there aren't that many alternatives out there. People these days are unimaginative and dull."
"How so?" asked Hermione, curiosity getting the better of her.
"They all use the same plot line with the same bad prose and the same grammatical errors. There's no variety. It's like the semicolon never existed, the sparse way they use them."
"What's a semicolon?" asked Draco, who had never attended a freshman English class.
"You don't know what a semicolon is?" asked the Queen of Duct Tape, unable to mask her horror. "What is the world coming to? Please, God, just kill me now!"
"Can you answer the question first?" Draco asked, ignoring QDT's theatrics.
"A semicolon looks like a comma with a dot over it; it is used to join two related, complete sentences." The irony of using a semicolon in this sentence was lost on Draco and Hermione because she was speaking aloud. Which is a pity, because it was quite clever, if I do say so myself. "But they don't use any of them, and the comma is nearing extinction. No variety."
"So add variety yourself and leave us alone," said Hermione, not caring about the plight of teenage fanfiction authors.
"I explained this last time. I am a fanfiction author. It isn't my job to think of interesting plot points, you characters are supposed to do that for yourselves, but other people have already written multiple times about everything you've already done. Fictitiously, of course."
"Well, not everything can have exactly the same plot line," said Hermione practically. "There has to be at least one more."
"Or," said Draco, as he was struck with a thought, "couldn't you just get rid of this whole plot thing altogether? It seems like much more trouble than it's worth."
"Get rid of the plot!" QDT squawked. "That's the worst idea I've ever heard! Everything has a plot! Everything has to have a plot! Take away plot and you take away the entire story! There is no such thing as no plot! The plot encompasses everything that ever happens in a story!" She said this all very fast and very loudly; in fact, it was so loud that people in hallway stopped and stared blankly at the door, trying to figure out why an American would be shouting about plot in the Head's Common Room.
"But there has to be other plot lines than just those," said Hermione once the Queen of Duct Tape had calmed down slightly.
"No, there aren't," QDT insisted. "Not if I refuse to use the 'Hermione-has-a-twin' and 'Hermione-is-really-a-pureblood' plots."
"But there's no basis for those in the books!" Hermione protested. "They're completely ridiculous."
"I know that, but nobody else seems to." QDT pouted, as though this would make any kind of difference. It's hard to feel sorry for a foreign girl with hazard sign orange duct tape on her head.
"Surely there must be at least one other one," said Draco. "There can't be only three plot lines for all the fanfictions out there."
"Of course not," QDT scoffed. "There's always the Marriage Law alternative, but that doesn't usually take place until after you've graduated from Hogwart's."
"Excellent," said Draco and Hermione in unison.
"Now," said Hermione, looking down her nose in a way eerily similar to McGonagall. "I really do need to finish this essay." She shoved QDT out of the room and went back to being boring with Draco.
"Fine," said the Queen of Duct Tape from where she had landed ungracefully on the floor. "I know when I'm not wanted."
fin