Part 16: Word Vomit

A pang of sorrow shot through Itachi's chest, causing it to constrict abnormally and mobilize the discomfort through his entire being.

"Otouto, don't cry. I didn't mean to make you cry. It's all Aniki's fault. I love you so much. Aniki will do anything for you, so please stop crying."

"How is it that you can love me when you don't love yourself?" Sasuke whispered through silent tears.

Subconsciously, Itachi took a step back and his body trembled underneath the utter look of betrayal that was pointed in his direction. His hands shook at his sides as if terrified of what's to come, and a sense of dread filled his lungs, drowning him and usurping his ability to breathe.

He was hyperventilating, he realized.

"DON'T," he finally pushed out as if his lips had been glued shut. "My love for you is real. Don't question my love for you, Otouto."

Uncertainty filled his Otouto's eyes as if he was second guessing the man's words, and something else, a foreboding emotion, arose in his chest.

And then, uncontrollable laughter permeated the tension in the room, echoing thrice against Sasuke's eardrums due to the sheer volume. It went on and on until the laughter morphed into wails and shrieks of undeniable pain. When it finally stopped, the silence was so suffocating, Sasuke had to force himself to breathe.

"You must think I'm a monster," Itachi heaved, face cinched up in utter pain. "All I want to do is love you. I want to spend my life with you, have you beside me for the good days and the bad. You're the perfect medicine for the monster in me. All it does is hide and scream. It drives me absolutely mad. But when I'm with you, everything is quiet. You make me feel happy, Otouto. I've loved you since the moment you were conceived and I knew of your existence. I was ecstatic when Otou-san and Kaa-san left you in my care as your guardian. I watched you grow up from the little bundle in my arms to the beautiful boy standing in front of me. I've done everything I could to keep pests away from you. Years and years of constantly crushing them a million times over only for a fucking piece of horseshit to fly through the web and lay his disgusting mouth on you."

Itachi's rant was convoluted, never ending, lashing out in every direction, and the more he spoke the louder his voice became and the further he backed away from the boy as if he was afraid of what actions he was capable of. His sentences had no sense of connection as if they were regurgitated instantly as soon as those thoughts entered Itachi's mind, but Sasuke's eyes grew wider with each declaration.

"I will never forget that he was the one who put his lips on your body first. He was the one who touched you flagrantly like a snake. He put his lips on you and claimed you like no one should, leaving behind such evidence on your neck to mock me. I fucking hate him! I would never have taken it so far if he didn't do something so fucking revolting. You're mine, Otouto. The moment you were born and you grasped onto my finger and smiled at me, you were mine. You chose me. Do you understand that?"

Itachi was inconsolable. His palms were tucked into fists at his sides as his back pressed flat against the front door as if he was intentionally putting distance between them. His rant had left him heaving and panting as if he had just ran a marathon, but the anger that accompanied the odd glint in his eyes was frightening, so the boy dared not move a muscle.

"Every year, from the moment you could speak, you would ask me to be your valentine. Ever since you were four. Every year, I'd save that spot just for you, and without fail, every year you'd fill it just for me. But then, when you turned thirteen, you stopped. No more. I was devastated, you know. I thought I had done something wrong. I thought you didn't love me anymore. I wanted to be your valentine, but you stopped asking. Why?"

Even from across the room, the boy could feel the sorrow etched into Itachi's words, slashing into his core like a sharp steel blade. Sasuke choked out a breath, eyes still wet with tears.

Flashbacks of those memories filtered through both of their minds:

Ages 4/9:

Sasuke: "'niki." A huge grin. "Up. Up."

Itachi: "Otouto? Why are you bouncing around under my covers? It's not even dawn yet."

Sasuke: "I have to ask first!"

Itachi: Furrowed brows. "Ask what?"

Sasuke: "'niki, be my valtine. Pretty please?"

Itachi: Chuckles. "It's 'valentine,' my sweet Otouto. And of course."

Ages 5/10:

Sasuke: "A-Aniki!" Utter meltdown.

Itachi: "Watashi no ai, why are you crying?"

Sasuke: Sobs harshly. "I had a b-bad dream. You said you didn't want to be my valentine anymore. You hurt my feelings."

Itachi: "Well, that is unforgivable, my love." He rocked the boy in his arms. "I will always be your valentine."

Sasuke: "You promise?" Sniffles.

Itachi: "Always."

Ages 6/11:

Sasuke: "Aniki…?"

Itachi: "Hmm? Nani, Otouto?"

Sasuke: "I… I made you a bento today."

Itachi: Surprised. "Oh?"

Sasuke: "I made all of your favorites."

Itachi: Softened gaze as he retrieved the box and pressed a kiss to Sasuke's right cheek. "You must have woken up extra early to make it. You're so sweet to me. Arigato, Otouto."

Sasuke: "Be… be my valentine, Aniki?"

Itachi: "Mochiron, Sasuke."

Ages 7/12:

Sasuke: "…"

Itachi: "Why are you covered in flour, Sasuke? Where is kaa-san?"

Sasuke: A large pout followed by widened, tear-stained doe eyes. "I just… I j-just wanted to make you dango. I can't get it right!" A huge huff followed by a frenzy of white powder cascading everywhere.

Itachi: "You're still young, Otouto. It took kaa-san nearly half a decade to even perfect it. There's time."

Sasuke: "There's no time!" Hick… hick….

Itachi: "What's the rush, Otouto?"

Kaa-san: "He wanted to make it for you by himself on Valentine's Day next month and insisted I teach it to him."

Itachi: "I'll be your valentine this year, too?"

Sasuke: Stomped his foot with cheeks puffed out. "Of course! You're my aniki. You can't be anyone else's valentine, but mine!"

Kaa-san: "Ara ara."

Itachi: Eyes widened slightly before they mellowed into a smile. "You're right, Otouto."

Sasuke: "Hmph."

Ages 8/13:

Sasuke: "Where's Aniki, Kaa-san?"

Kaa-san: "He went on a class field trip yesterday, Sasuke-chan. Didn't he tell you?"

Sasuke: Exasperated. "Yeah, but he was supposed to be back this morning! It's almost four o'clock!"

Kaa-san: "Be patient, Sasuke. He says he'll be back late."

Sasuke: Crestfallen. Muttering to himself as he walked away. "Stupid Aniki. Liar. Can't even keep a dumb promise."

Itachi: "Is that anyway to speak of your valentine?"

Sasuke: Perks up. "Aniki! You're late!"

Itachi: "It seems you managed without me. Especially if you're cursing me underneath your breath."

Sasuke: Cheeks puffed. Head turned. "You were supposed to spend the entire day with me, but you were probably out having fun with other people."

Itachi: Extends arm to reveal what he kept hidden behind his back. "This is for you, Otouto. I came back late because I made a detour to pick this up. What do you think?"

In his outstretched palm lay a delicate omamori with the kanji "ai" sewn into it's fuschia red pouch.

Sasuke: Eyes wide. "It's for me?"

Itachi: "Foolish Otouto, who else would it be for?"

Ages 9/14:

Sasuke: "Itachi-nii, where are you going? It's Valentine's Day. You have to spend it with me! You're my valentine after all!"

Itachi: "Such an adorable brat."

Ages 10/15:

Sasuke: "So tomorrow…"

Itachi: Raised brow. "Tomorrow…?"

Sasuke: Mutter to self. "Man up, Uchiha Sasuke. If you don't do it now, someone's going to beat you to it."

Itachi: "You've been saying that for years, Otouto. Even if they did, I would say no."

Sasuke: Pout. "Hmph. So you already knew what I was going to say. Why were you teasing me then?"

Itachi: "Anything to see you adorably flustered."

Sasuke: Double pout. "You've gotten kind of mean over the years, Aniki."

Itachi: Ruffled. "I've been mean to you?"

Sasuke: "No, to other people. You just tease me relentlessly."

Itachi: "Well, I can't be mean to my valentine."

Sasuke: "That's right."

Ages 11/16:

Sasuke: "Hey, Aniki, what are you doing tomorrow?"

Itachi: "The usual."

Sasuke: "Want to go get burgers afterschool?"

Itachi: "Hmm? Are you asking me out on a date, Otouto?"

Sasuke: Flustered. "Will you stop replying that way to all of my invitations?"

Itachi: Chuckles. "I'll try to hold it in next time."

Sasuke: Glower. "Try hard."

Itachi: "Is there anything else, Otouto?"

Sasuke: "No… well, maybe."

Itachi: "I'm all ears."

Sasuke: Mutter. "I swear, I don't know why I still do this. You're more of a child than me. Ugh."

Itachi: Smiles innocently. "What was that?"

Sasuke: Hesitates. "Be… my valentine this year, too…. Okay?"

Itachi: Gone was the teasing glimmer, replaced completely by a sweet, glowing smile. "Mochiron, watashi no ai."

Ages 12/17:

Itachi: "How long are you planning on standing outside my room?"

Sasuke: Startled. "Aniki, I thought you were asleep. Your lights were off."

Itachi: "That's never stopped you before, Otouto. Come in. You can sit on my bed."

Sasuke: "Have you been sleeping enough recently?"

Itachi: "When there's time. Entrance exams, practice, and coursework aren't exactly best friends."

Sasuke: "...Our age gap is so big. I wish I could do something to help you."

Itachi: "You being here helps me, Otouto."

Sasuke: Skeptical look. "Are you teasing me again?"

Itachi: "No. I don't tease about things like that."

Sasuke: Still skeptical. "Uh huh."

Itachi: "What is that in your hands?"

Sasuke: "Oh. I made them in Home Ec class today. They're for you. They're chocolate truffles. I coated them with a mellow-flavored layer to cut some of the richess."

Itachi: Hooded eyes gazing fondly at the boy as he accepted the box. "Heart-shaped truffles, huh?"

Sasuke: Blush. "It was the only mold left."

Itachi: A peck on Sasuke's cheek. "Arigato, my sweet Otouto. Aishiteru."

Sasuke: Reddened cheeks. Looks away. "Have you gotten tired of being my valentine yet?"

Itachi: "Never."

Sasuke: "Then, this year, too?"

Itachi: "Yes. This year, too."

Sasuke: Smiles. "Okay."

Ages 13/18:

Itachi: "Otouto?"

Sasuke: Oddly nonchalant tone as he took off his shoes. "Yeah?"

Itachi: "It's nearly midnight. Where have you been all day?"

Sasuke: "Out. I told you I would be late, Aniki."

Itachi: Frowns. "You didn't answer any of my calls or texts. Who were you with?"

Sasuke: Snippy. "Why should I tell you? It's not like you tell me who you hang out with at malls."

Itachi: Befuddled. "...What? How did you know I was at the mall recently?"

Sasuke: "It's not hard to spot you when you have a loud, blond freak attached to your arm."

Itachi: Another frown. "Where is this coming from, Otouto?"

Sasuke: "Nothing. It's nothing. I'm going to bed. Goodnight."

Itachi: Grabs onto the boy's arm. "Don't you have anything else to say to me?"

Sasuke: Looks away. A mutter. "No."

Itachi: "I see…."

The number of years they kept it up was surprising. Itachi would wait patiently and Sasuke would rush in like he was on a mission. It was truly the time of his life before they got trapped inside the swirl of emotions.

"I… I thought that you would think it was childish of me to ask you if we were both grown up," Sasuke said, glancing away.

"When did you start thinking so little of me?" Itachi growled, displeasure clinging to every single one of his words. "I would never think anything ill of you, Otouto. Never. It didn't matter how old we were. I looked forward to it every year and, then, you just stopped abruptly and you never looked at me the same way again. I was crushed."

"I'm sorry," the boy whispered. "I didn't know."

"Don't you get it? Did you think I called you watashi no ai all those yearson a whim?"

"Aniki…" Sasuke breathed, heart pounding in his chest. "But you stopped calling me that when I was thirteen."

A thin line formed along Itachi's lips and his gaze hardened. "Because you rejected me, Otouto. You didn't want me to be yours anymore."

"That's not what I meant!" Sasuke shrieked before he could swallow his own words. A dam broke and his words flowed like a river. "It's not my fault! You chose someone else. You left me first. That was unforgivable! I know I was young and you were much older, but that's no excuse. You didn't wait for me! Why would I want to be your valentine when you chose someone else over me?"

"What are you talking about? Since when did I ever do such a ridiculous thing?"

"You did!" Sasuke hissed. "I saw you at the mall with your boyfriend the day before Valentine's Day. He was clinging onto your arm like a leech and you didn't even bat an eye. You promised you'd always be my valentine. You liar. Do you know what I meant when I asked you to be my valentine? It meant I loved you the most. You were my one and only valentine."

"Otouto, you're mistaken. I've never had a boyfriend nor did I sleep with anyone until college. Those years I was your valentine, I wasn't just yours for the day. I was yours every single day of the year for every year."

"Are you saying it was only after I stopped asking that you went and slept around?" Sasuke growled.

Itachi was quiet. His lack of response was his response.

"Whatever. I'm over it." Sasuke's shoulders drooped and he rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I don't want to dwell on things that have already happened."

"Well, I'm going to dwell," Itachi barked, but this time he was moving toward Sasuke with narrowed eyes. "Are you saying that the reason you stopped asking me was because of a misunderstanding? Are you fucking kidding me?"

Sasuke gasped as he was trapped against the kitchen counter and Itachi's chest. Warmth immediately seeped into his body and his hands came up to grip the counter behind him. "I don't know," he pushed out. "It's not important anymore."

"It's important," the man growled as his body came to hover over Sasuke's. "I love you more than anything in the world. You are the center of my universe, Otouto. And you're telling me that you let me go all those years ago because of a stupid misunderstanding? Was your love for me so trivial?"

Sasuke's eyes narrowed, mirroring Itachi's. "Of course not. Don't twist my words. I was hurt."

"You're my first love. My first boyfriend. My first valentine. My first everything because that's what you are to me: everything. Don't ever question my love for you, Sasuke."

Sasuke's glare shattered and he looked away with a mutter. "Whatever."

The arms that caged Sasuke against the counter twitched before veins riddled the expanse of the skin. Sasuke could feel Itachi's breath along his nape as the man uttered his next words in such a low voice that it made him shudder.

"When you left me, I was a wreck. I sat in front of our house every single day waiting for you to come home. I knew you weren't coming back, but I did it anyway. Stupid me. How was I supposed to function when I didn't know where you were? You ran away from me. I didn't know how much that would hurt because I never thought you would willingly leave me. I thought maybe I was too rough during your first time and I scared you away. I thought maybe you were repulsed after and regretted it. Maybe you had just gone to the store or to class and just lost your phone along the way. I couldn't cope without you. I needed you more than I needed oxygen to breathe. So it's not whatever. I exist for you. I love only you. So stop being so fucking stubborn and stop trying to push me away. Do you understand?"

"...Yes."

"Look at me," Itachi demanded, turning the boy's chin. "Yes, what?"

"...Yes, Aniki."

"Call me by my name."

"Itachi."

"Now tell me you've loved me all those years," Itachi commanded, eyes staring persistently into Sasuke's darting gaze.

His Otouto had the audacity to pout, lower lip jutting out as if Itachi's request was unreasonable. "Why?"

Itachi growled. "Say it, Sasuke. You know I wouldn't make you say something if I didn't think you'd mean it."

"What are you, a mind reader?" the boy shot back.

"You were jealous, Otouto. Thirteen-year-old you were jealous. Do you even realize that?"

Sasuke pursed his lips and looked away again. "So what?"

"You wouldn't be jealous if you didn't love me."

"...Fine. I loved you all those years," Sasuke said begrudgingly. "But this doesn't solve my original problem with you."

Itachi's eyes stared back into Sasuke's defiant ones. A hint of frustration fused into his next words. "So what if I don't love myself?" he replied flippantly. "If I have you, I won't have to worry about myself."

Sasuke made a noise of disapproval. "I worry enough as it is. I want you to be able to take care of yourself even if I wasn't here. Don't you understand that?"

"But there's no reason for you not to be here!" Itachi snapped viciously. His forearms trembled, but his palms remained flat along the countertop, refusing to budge a millimeter. "I said I'll take the medication. I said I'd do anything for you. What more do you want?"

"I want you to stop making me worry about you!" Sasuke yelled at a suddenly confused Itachi. "Don't you get it? I love you. I do. I love you differently and more than I've ever loved anyone, and because I love you, I want you to take care of yourself!"

"Oh," Itachi said dumbly, arms falling to his side. He even took a step back, stunned.

Sasuke snapped. "Oh?" he repeated incredulously. "I tell you I love you and want what's best for you, and you say oh? Are you fucking kidding me?"

"Say that again."

Sasuke's scowled. "What?"

"Say it again."

"Ugh, you're such a child, Aniki."

"Tell me again, Otouto," Itachi repeated. This time, his eyes were lit up and sparkled like diamonds. His lips, once downturned, twitched and formed the most beautiful smile Sasuke had ever seen him produce.

The boy's breath hitched and, suddenly, a blush formed along the apples of his cheeks as he realized the heft of the words he spoke. "No," he grunted, staring anywhere but at Itachi's face. "You're crazy. Why would I say something like that ever again?"

"I guess I should quit drinking then." Despite his words, humor resonated in his gaze.

"Huh?" Sasuke's head snapped up. "What did you say?"

"Medication and alcohol don't mix," Itachi chastised, as if he hadn't spent weeks in a hospital bed due to his words. How ironic.

"I won't have to shove medicine down your throat every day?" Sasuke asked, flabbergasted. "Or hide the booze from you?"

Itachi waved him off, a smile playing on his lips. "All I have to do is stop making you worry about me, right? …Although I do think it's cute when you're worried about me."

Sasuke glowered.

"Can I kiss you now, watashi no ai?"

"You're incorrigible."

"Is that a no?"

The smile never left Itachi's lips.