Written by Redeem and co-creator Drastic
A Drastic and Redeem Productions presents
Reasons why the candidates want Subaru/game plan-
They anonymously got tipped his dong size
Let's make it wholesome (spoiler, it's not wholesome)
Twist: Its November and he's being dense for a reason
He doesn't want to get caught lackin
He doesn't wanna be horny, he wants to be happy
*Insert Sad doge meme*
Re:Zero: The November Shenanigans (The Narrator Joker Edition)
Enjoy
We see Subaru talking with Crush, and as she's about to say some daring advances
This is Subaru, only he can suppress the Candidates advances, and survive November.
"Is it really…" Before Crusch could finish, she was abruptly pushed by Subaru, who ran past her, football in hand.
"BEGONE, THOT" he shouted, having removed a stocking that restrained his freedom of speech.
"Yourself should be honored…" Priscilla said before she got a backhanded bitchslap by Baru, who dropped the football but never stopped running.
She belongs to da Streets
Priscilla released a pleasured moan upon being struck by the man with the golden dong.
"Bitch, i got no time witchu"
Bah! I prefer men
"I-i-i…"Emilia stuttered, unable to form a word. Upon seeing his princess, Subaru halted his 100 meter dash and silenced her incoherent mumbling with a head pat.
"shh…Emilia-tan, i love you and all, but it's for your own good" He said softly, pained by the fact that he was about to do something that would never allow them to see eye to eye.
Marvelous
Tears began to manifest as her eyes glimmered with trust for her knight. A soft smile formed as she felt his arms wrap around her in a hug….
AND DID AN INCOMING RKO
JESUS!
If one could hear clearly, they could hear announcers and spectators cheering.
AND HERE COMES A GERMAN SUPLEX, OH WHAT'S THIS?
AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA
And Subaru Ground slammed Emilia to the stone cold ground. The sound of her bones cracking could be heard. Subaru shed a single tear for he had murdered the love of his life.
HELLO!
"Ya killed the bitch, Natsuki-san." A voice said.
"That means," the owner of the voice audibly licked her lips, "I'm the only one left!" From the shadows, the greedy merchant appeared, a hood over her head.
Execute order 66
"I want what's under those pants of yours~" Anastiasia said seductively, pulling the hood down, she walked towards Subaru who had his back turned to her.
"Oh you want it?" He said in an eerily calm and submissive voice.
"Yes~" Anastasia cooed, wrapping her arms around his torso and snaking down towards his pants. A seductive smile painted her face.
Click
The sound sent chills down Anastasia's spine as she instantly recognized the sound. Her eyes widened, pulling her hand from Subaru's pants as she saw it.
A glock. Fear instantly consumed the greedy gal as the same eerie voice cut through the panicked silence.
"If you want the cock" He said as he took the 9 from her paralyzed hand and cocked it, solemnly turning to face the princess with a jaded expression.
Unlike before, the eerie voice held no submissive tone, contorted by the raging dominance of a man that conquered hell several times.
He slowly positioned the 9, pointing it at Ana's ripe ass
"Ya get the glock" He roared and she slowly backed the fuck away
Action is Coming~
"SUBARU, YOUR MINE" said Emilia, who (for unknown bullshit reasons), was alive crawling towards the duo, and reached for his legs
"NO HE'S MINE" said Ana as he pulled on his other arm
SUBARU, SUBARU! VROOM VROOM VROOM!
"EMILIA, HOW ARE YA STILL ALIVE!?" Subaru questioned his ability to stay alive upon seeing a woman with a broken back casually pull his leg.
THIS IS VJ VERA LIVE FROM KAMPALA, UGANDA
And as Emilia and Ana were using Subaru as a tug-o-war rope, they didn't notice the other 2 candidates being assassinated by Reinhard and Julius.
"Is this… truly the way?" Reinhard whispered, dragging Priscilla's voluptuous body away.
WHO ARE THEY!?
A hand was placed on Reinhard's shoulders. "Well done Reinhard. This is what they get for not inviting me!" Another Princess walked into the room, a wide crazed grin painted her face.
YO MAMA
"It… is done…. Blood for the blood god." Julius chanted, dragging Crusch away alongside Reinhard. Wiping the blood away, he looked back to his princess, signaling her of a job well done.
Hmm…Crusch has naisu pantsu
"Hey big bro~" Upon hearing the childish voice, Subaru mechanically turned his head, a sweat trickling down his forehead.
GO FOR PANTIES, GO FOR PANTIES
A young girl entered his vision, "Felt… oh how far you've fallen…" Subaru said with great sadness, putting his phone to his ear.
"Hey, it's me… Code F… Ya, the special team…" Subaru closed his phone and put it back into his pocket, and looked away as the nude princess walked towards him.
There was a knock at the front door. Everyone turned to face the source with bated breaths. everyone but Subaru. A tear silent escaped his eyes before he pulled it back in with his sheer will.
"Real men don't cry," he whispered.
ACTION PACKED MOVIE!
"FBI, OPEN UP" the door was kicked down revealing Pandora with an FBI cap.
"Nude lolis will get Redeem and Drastic canceled so Felt was never here." She said with amusement shining in her cold eyes.
ONE HELL OF A MOVIE!
The shadows around the room began to dance, slowly engulfing Felt. "Whaa-" before she could say anything, she disappeared, only leaving behind bloody footprints as the only proof of her being there.
HELLO!
"PANDORA" Emilia shouted, launching an ice spell but Pandora put up the peace sign and began disappearing, a small smile on her face… and she was gone before the ice could fully manifest.
"This technically isn't a violation of the contract… right?" The merchant princess whispered to herself before pushing it to the back of her head. It just meant one less rival after all.
You are now watching November Shenanigans: The Musical
She walked up to Emilia and kicked her in the teeth. "Ha, ya can't even use ya legs!" She taunted, ready to call Julius back to drag her away but before she could call her knight–
A shot was fired from the 9. "How dare you! Only I can do that!" Subaru thought back on all those times Emilia asked to be kicked by him during their private training sessions. The sense of superiority he got from kicking the shit out of someone actually strong.
HELLO!
Thinking back to what Anastasia said, Emilia began to heal her spine. Having forgotten that she could do that.
NOW YOU GONNA SEE, THIS IS HOW WE DO ACTION IN UGANDA
"Oh no you don't! Sic Em boy!" It is then revealed that Ricardo was recording the whole thing live for Anastasia's live onlyfans and he was in his underwear with a bandanna over his head.
THE UGANDAN COMMANDO.
Upon hearing his princesses command, Ricard dropped the camera, "Hey! That was expensive!" Ignoring his princess's complaint, he bit off Emilia's head, wagging his tail vigorously in the process.
What a plot twist! Production in Action!
Annoyed, Anastasia ordered Ricardo to leave so she could at least have her time with Natsuki-kun.
WHO KILLED CAPTAIN ALEX IS DA MOVIE
Annoyed, Anastasia ordered Ricardo to leave so she could at least have her time with Natsuki-kun.
She walked back towards Subaru, trying her hardest to be as seductive as possible– which wasn't much with her childish body.
COMBAT!
She stopped when she felt a wet sensation on her feet, and to her horror, Emilia's blood had formed the words–
"HE'S MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!"
EXPECT THE UNEXPECTABLE
"Uh, Natsuki-kun, I think that bitch was possessed!" Anastasia said, pointing towards the pile of blood now forming a death stare at the merchant.
JESUS
The merchant, upon being met with silence, surveyed the room. It was filled with guts and blood and organs– but no Subaru.
"Natsuki-kun?" she took a step when– "awh- fuck…" she heard a voice followed by coughing.
NOW IS TIME TO SEE REAL ACTION
"Who goes?! I must warn you, I know kung fu!" Anastasia called out to the unknown.
"There's kung fu here?" A hand was placed on her shoulders. Anastasia quickly twisted her body and got in stance, thrusting into whoever touched her.
NJ VERA ON THE M.I.C!
To her instant regret. She just slammed her fist into Subaru's golden dong, the object of all 5 candidates' desires.
But much to her shock and bewilderment, Subaru didn't even flinch. An intense lust grew inside Anastasia as Subaru's condescending eyes dicked her down.
HE DOES NOT NEED WINGS TO FLY!
Click
Anastasia's eyes widened as the sound of the 9 being cocked rang throughout the room.
Bang
A gunshot was fired off, and a bullet pierced through Anastasia's head, brain matter splattering on Subaru's unfazed face, the bullet breaking upon impacting his toned, stone cold abs.
The dead body of Emilia is revealed as Anastasia's body felt limp and slowly descended. Her blood spelled out "Revenge!" And Emilia's corpse fell.
WARRIOR!
"What the fuck just happened?!" Subaru questioned as he picked up the bloody nine and shot himself. The faint sound of clapping having finally stopped.
"Ah, it's over." Al commented from behind the curtains, the clapping sound having stopped, "That was so fucking hot!" Al thought as he continued to stroke his dong and the clapping sound continued to resonate throughout the room.
He woke up 10 minutes earlier, and a meeting between the 4 princesses was created, Felt being left out due to her young age.
"I think we should share Lady Emilia's Knight." Crusch stated, gently sipping her tea. "If the information we received is in fact the truth then I think it's best to share Sir. Subaru in case of an emergency." The other princesses nodded, all but Emilia.
"No," She stated. "We need to let Subaru voice his thoughts." They all turned towards the knight in question, tied to a chair with his mouth tied with Emilia's stocking.
They're serious
"Muh…muuum." He tried to speak but only muffled groaning escaped his lips, finding it difficult to properly talk with his mouth being rendered usless.
"I don't think he likes you guys." Emilia commented, to which Priscilla responded with fury, "How dare you lie to me! He's practically molesting me with his… dirty glare!"
BAH, HE PREFERS MEN!
"You? He's clearly checking me out!" Crusch practically yelled out from beside Priscilla. The 3 princesses began to argue, Anastasia having disappeared sometime ago– a football suddenly manifests and Subaru gains the strength to break free from his restraints.
'Here we go again…' He thought. At that very moment, he swore to find and kill whoever leaked his secrets.
NJ: MAFIAAA
Far from the caption in the Miload mansion, the court magician Roswaal sneezed as a chill ran down his spine. In bed, he tightly snuggles with his life sized body pillow of Echidna he got from the 4 princesses for information regarding a certain knight.
"Sensei~" he moans as his fantasies run wild.
The END!