AN: This is a bit of an emotional ride, but the end is near! Another chapter or two and we'll be off on our next adventure.
Chapter Sixteen
It was her turn to flee. She stepped backward, already running before she turned around. She closed herself in her bedroom, leaning on the door and listening for the sounds of him coming after her. There were none.
There was no reason to panic, she told herself. She knew he loved her. She loved him. It had shocked her to hear it, spoken so calmly and honestly. She'd thought he wouldn't be ready; it turned out that she was the one who wasn't ready.
She let out a breath, trying to think it through, trying to figure out what she wasn't ready for about it. She came up with nothing. It wasn't that she couldn't trust him. She knew she could be completely vulnerable in front of him and he would never think any less of her or do anything to hurt her. It wasn't that she didn't love him. She'd already decided that earlier when the need for his touch replaced her need for air.
The only thing was that she hadn't expected it. It didn't scare her. It wasn't anything new. She simply hadn't been expecting him to be at the same place. She'd been assuming he'd be dragging his feet. She felt like an idiot. She was used to handling surprises better than running away.
She opened the door, took a deep breath, and headed back down the hall. He was sitting on the couch, staring at Cheyenne in the bassinette, and she felt the crushing weight of guilt when he looked up at her, too surprised to hide his confusion.
"I didn't think I'd see you for a while."
"Neither did I." She sat down in the armchair adjacent to the couch and pulled her knees into her chest. "But then I realized I hadn't learned anything I didn't already know." She dared to glance up at him. "I just wasn't expecting to hear it."
His perplexed look slowly faded into a grin. "Remind me not to startle you." He looked down at his hands which were curled into tight fists at his side, revealing that everything wasn't back to normal yet. "I'm sorry about earlier."
"I should have explained myself better. I couldn't think straight."
"You either?" He smiled at her as his hands uncurled. "You didn't need to explain yourself. I just needed a cold shower."
"I was thinking about-"
"Cheyenne, I know. I should have been too."
She smiled, a hint of mischief shining in her eyes. "I won't mind if you tell me I have the power to completely eliminate all traces of good sense in your brain."
"Oh, good, cause I wasn't sure how long I was going to be able to keep that from you."
She giggled. "I know it seems ridiculous, but I want to take it slow. We need to decide how we're going to raise our daughter before we suddenly have to decide on something we've left unresolved for years."
He leaned forward, putting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together. He stared at her with the most serious expression she'd ever seen. "I disagree."
Once again, his words caught her off-guard. While there were plenty of times he didn't like what she told him, there were far fewer incidents when he disagreed with her. "What do you mean?"
"I think we need to decide about us first, Carter. Because that's going to have a huge impact on how we raise our daughter."
She hadn't even thought of it like that. It made sense - there was no point in working out joint custody arrangements if they were going to be together. Then again, they'd barely been together a day and they were already fighting. "It's going to be a while before we actually know how things will work out with us, if we decide to try. I don't think we can put her on hold until we work it out, Jack."
"We don't have put anything on hold, Carter. I know how I feel about you and I'm pretty sure you feel the same. Why are you so sure it won't work?"
"I never said that."
"You sure are hellbent on coming up with a contingency plan for when it doesn't work out."
"How long have we been in the same house, Jack? How many arguments have we already had? Do you think this is a good sign?"
He sat back on the couch, a resigned expression on his face as though he knew he would wind up giving in to her but he also knew she was wrong. "I'm not sure the last day has been the easiest one we've ever put it, Carter. Maybe it shouldn't be used as the litmus test of whether or not we can stand to be around each other on a permanent basis."
She stared at him for a long moment before her face broke into a grin. "I never thought I'd see the day that you used the phrase litmus test in a sentence."
He grinned back, but he wasn't derailed by her comment. "I think we should give it a try."
"And what if it doesn't work?"
He shrugged. "Then it doesn't work. At least we tried."
"At least we tried? Our whole lives will be irrevocably changed."
"Carter, I've never seen you back down from a challenge. So it's not easy. What is?"
She looked away, shaking her head. "We can't. We have a child to think about. What seems brilliant and inspired now-"
"It seems brilliant and inspired?" His grin was infectious and she felt the corners of her mouth turning up to mirror his. He sat up once again, scooting over on the couch until he was as close to her as he could get. "Marry me."
Her eyes widened. Her heart pounded. She couldn't believe he'd just asked her that. "What?"
He reached out to hold one of her hands in both of his. "Marry me, Carter."
She knew he loved her. She knew she loved him. But she couldn't believe that his proposal was for any other reason than Cheyenne. She knew getting married for the sake of their child would be a mistake. She shook her head, hating the way a lump formed in her throat at the idea of saying no to something she wanted so much. It was the hardest thing she'd ever done. "No."
"What do you mean no?" He sounded shocked. He sounded confused. He sounded hurt. "You can't mean that." He squeezed her hand. "Say yes, Carter."
"Are you ordering me to marry you?"
He jumped up from the couch and paced across the room. "No, of course not!"
"Well, then, you asked and I answered." She stood up, noticing that Cheyenne was awake and squirming in her bassinette.
"Carter." He crossed the room again and reached for her hand. "I want to talk to you."
She shook her head, pulling out of his grasp and lifting Cheyenne up as she started to cry. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."
"I do. I think I deserve an explanation."
She rocked Cheyenne gently, trying to soothe her daughter's cries when she felt like joining her. "So do I."
"For what?" His tone was harsh, but Carter knew he'd get over it once he realized she was right.
"Why would you do this? Why would you insult me like this?"
"What?" He approached her, turning her to face him. He looked shocked. "How am I insulting you? I just asked you to marry me. I should be the injured party here."
"You only asked me because you want Cheyenne to have a family. You didn't mean it. You don't want to marry me." She tried to turn away, but his hands on her shoulders stopped her.
"I do want Cheyenne to have a family. But I want you too, Carter."
She tried to turn away again and that time Jack let her go. Cheyenne continued to wail as Carter hugged her close.
Jack dejectedly threw himself back on the couch. "I guess you were right, Carter. We should decide what we're going to do with her because this thing with us is obviously never going to work."
"Here, maybe you can get her to stop." She handed over the wailing infant to Jack and disappeared back to her bedroom. She refused to cry in front of him over how easily he gave up.
She didn't know what she wanted him to say. She didn't know what she wanted him to do. She knew he loved her, but she didn't want his sense of duty to rope him into a marriage that he would later regret. As she curled up in bed, she decided she would hate Lofn and Thor. It was all their fault. They ruined everything.
The need for coffee and food forced her to reemerge a few hours later. Cheyenne was quiet, slobbering on the pink rattle she'd decided she liked the day before. All the stuff they'd decided to return was missing. Jack was sitting on the couch, reading and doing his best to pretend he didn't notice her. There was already coffee made, but judging from Jack's silence, she knew it wasn't a peace offering. She poured herself a cup and made herself some toast and then sat down at the kitchen table and tried to pretend that silence wasn't worse when there was someone else there.
A few minutes later, Jack popped his head in. "I'm going to go out for a little while." By the time Carter looked up to acknowledge him, he was gone.
He was back an hour later, finding her on the couch and tossing a catalog on the coffee table in front of her. His credit card bounced once on the book, once on the table, and then fluttered under the edge of the couch. "I took everything back that you didn't want. Pick out whatever you want." He turned to go back to the bedroom she didn't imagine he'd be staying in for long.
She was pissed off too and she didn't feel like putting up with his mood in addition to her own. She threw the credit card at him, almost thankful that it hadn't actually hit him. "I don't want your money, Jack."
"I don't have anything else to give you." He didn't stop walking.
The next week followed much the same pattern, with them stubbornly avoiding each other as much as possible while still living in the same house. Carter was pretty sure he was trying to get her to throw him out, which she decided would give him the chance to refuse to be cut out of his daughter's life, so she wasn't giving him the satisfaction. She hated how things were, how he was acting, how her own behavior had contributed to the state of affairs, but in the end, she appreciated the help of having him there more than she wanted the peace of having him gone.
Cheyenne's good behavior had stopped too and she spent most of the time she was awake screaming. She'd also learned the painful fun of pulling the hair of whoever was holding her. Janet assured them that there was nothing physically wrong with the baby, that her temperament was just irritable and that there was nothing they could do besides wait for her to outgrow it.
One afternoon she picked up the phone to call the base, to check in like she normally did. She heard Daniel's voice on the other end and she went to replace the phone in the cradle, but something in Daniel's tone caught her attention. She slipped her hand over the mouthpiece and listened in.
"So you're living together?"
Jack sounded annoyed and Carter was surprised he bothered to answer. "For now. For Cheyenne."
"Don't do that, Jack. Don't use her as an excuse."
Jack's moment of silence screamed a warning to Carter, but he surprised her again by answering. "I'm not using her as an excuse, Daniel. It's true."
Daniel sounded like he was laughing, which seemed odd to Carter because there'd been no laughter in her house for what felt like forever. "And you don't think that's the slightest bit convenient?"
"Convenient? Hell, no, it's not convenient. It's damn near the most inconvenient thing that's ever happened to me." His angry words brought tears to her eyes, but she couldn't hang up, she couldn't walk away. She knew that Jack would be more open with Daniel. Jack and Daniel were friends on a level that wasn't complicated by feelings between them. It made their communication so much easier. Jack's voice was softer when he continued. "It's changing what we had. It's different now."
"Is that so bad?" She could hear the smile in Daniel's voice as he completely missed what Jack was telling him.
"It's not like that, Daniel." His voice held another warning, one that Daniel actually picked up on.
"What happened?"
"It all fell apart."
"Jack, you two didn't just fall apart. Something happened. What? Maybe I can help."
Jack snickered, a bitter, hard sound. "I asked her to marry me and she said no. Can you help with that?"
Daniel's silence revealed how truly unprepared he was for that truth. "I'm sorry, Jack."
"Yeah, so am I. She's not speaking to me. She won't even look at me."
"Jack, are you speaking to her?" Daniel's question was hardly that; all three of them knew he already knew the answer when he asked it.
"No."
"Then you can't really blame her, can you?"
Jack was quiet for a long time and when he spoke, his voice was raw. "I'm afraid she's going to throw me out and not let me near Cheyenne. Daniel, I can't live through that again. I can't lose them both. It'll kill me." The honesty in his voice made Carter's breath catch in her throat. She hated that he couldn't be that honest with her and she hated that she'd made him think he couldn't be that honest with her.
"Jack, Sam would never do that to you."
"It's so close to what I want - being here with her, with our daughter - but it's just off enough to be completely wrong. It's not fair."
"Life isn't fair, Jack. But you've got a woman who loves you and a healthy baby girl and that seems like a hell of a lot to me."
Carter wanted to hear the rest, to know how Jack would react to the truth of the words spoken by a man who'd lost his wife and any chance of children with her, but Cheyenne started fussing and Carter knew her hand wouldn't block that noise. She replaced the phone before she could be found out. As she tried to calm the baby, she mulled over what she'd overheard. She'd been wrong about the reason behind Jack's proposal. He wouldn't have lied to Daniel.
She rocked Cheyenne in her arms, half deafened by the wailing. "I messed up, baby. I messed up bad." She turned around, startled to see Jack in the hallway.
"Is she all right?" He'd responded to Cheyenne's cries, even though they'd both learned there was little they could do to quiet them.
Carter nodded, not trusting her voice. She didn't know if he'd heard her and she didn't know, if he had, if he understood.
He went to the kitchen and got a bottle, hoping that would make a dent. "You know, if I screamed at the top of my lungs for a week, I'd be hoarse."
She took the bottle he handed her and offered it to Cheyenne. After a week of not saying much of anything to him, there were a million things that came to mind. Unfortunately, none of them worked their way out of her mouth before he turned and walked away.
Consequences.9