Sheppard opened heavily lidded eyes, collided with pain, which spanned from head to toe, and blinked slowly. Letting his eyes adjust seemed like the least painful thing to do.
As the blurry face above him slowly moved into focus Sheppard could see the light was blocked, a silhouetted body was standing over him, an eerie glow around their form. He saw the outline and panicked, the dreads looked familiarly menacing, the hulking form overbearing and as a hand reached out to touch him, he jolted upright, and moved backwards, the terror overwhelming.
"No!" he called out as the wraith moved towards him, "No, get away!"
"Ronon!" he heard the Scottish voice call out somewhere in the distance.
He blinked several times, looked up at the figure as the light moved and realised his wraith had indeed been Ronon.
"Sorry," he said breathing rapidly and feeling embarrassed, "Sorry, I thought you were "He couldn't get the words out through his constricted throat.
Ronon took a step back, retracting his hand in one fluid movement as Beckett came to stand beside him.
"What happened?" he asked as his hands took up their vice like grip on the railings in a vague effort to ground himself from his pain.
"You had a little episode," Beckett clarified for him, "You were delusional and we had to.." he paused and shot Ronon a look, "Well, I wanted to sedate you but Ronon stunned you."
"You stunned me?" Sheppard asked breathing in and out at a pace that threatened to turn into hyperventilation.
"You were acting crazy," said Ronon with a shrug.
"Yeah, that's me," said Sheppard quietly, "crazy."
"How are you feeling?" asked Beckett as he checked his vitals.
"Like I've been stunned," he said and reached down to his stomach to massage it.
Now he was fully conscious he realised with a sinking feeling that he was feeling no better. He was still feeling sick and shaky and his head ached. He moved back down into the bed and resumed his former position, curled into a ball, and closed his eyes.
When he opened his eyes again, he realised that he must have dozed off, because Beckett and Ronon were gone and Heightmeyer was sitting in a chair beside his bed reading.
He moved sluggishly, twisting under the covers to try to get into a more comfortable position. Despite his sleep he still felt exhausted and drained to the bone.
"Colonel," Heightmeyer said on seeing that he was staring up at the ceiling.
"Doctor Heightmeyer," he said in response. He didn't turn to her, just tried to concentrate on keeping himself centred and in control.
"I thought you might like to have that talk now," she said leaning forward in her chair, resting her elbows on her knees and clasping her hands together.
Sheppard rolled away, put his back to her and pulled his knees up, "I'm tired."
"I've spoken to your team mates."
"I heard," he said.
"And now it's your turn."
"I'm okay," he muttered and licked his lips.
"You realise you can't return to active duty until you've spoken about this," she said coolly.
Sheppard moved back to face her, pushing himself up on to his elbow to look her in the eyes, "What do you want me to say?" he asked with a sigh.
"I don't want you to say what you think I need to hear. I just want you to talk about how you're feeling. The truth, Colonel."
He sat up and pulled the covers up to his chest, rearranged his pillows, and sat back, "Fine. Explain to me why I have to do this again?"
"Traumatic events can completely overwhelm the individual's ability to cope or integrate the ideas and emotions involved with that experience. They induce feelings of helplessness in the face of a real or subjective threat to life, bodily integrity, or sanity. There is frequently a violation of the person's familiar ideas about the world, putting the person in a state of extreme confusion and insecurity. It's important that you deal with these issues."
"Well, I think you covered that all very well. That's exactly how I'm feeling, well done Kate." He sunk back into the bed and closed his eyes.
She sighed and watched as the lines around his eyes remained creased and his lips were pursed in an expression of pain. There was no way he could fake sleeping to her.
"Colonel," she said. When she receieved no response she tried again, "John?"
He snapped his eyes open.
"I want to try a therapy with you called Traumatic Incident Reduction," she said. When he failed to comment on it she decided to plough on and let him inteject if he needed to, "It's a form of therapy where the client does all of the work."
He rolled his eyes.
"It would involve you watching the traumatic event and I would offer no interpretations, nor would I give a positive or negative evaluation. I would simply be a facilitator and it would be up to you to tell me what you see and how you feel about it."
"You want me to watch the tape?" he asked uncertainly. She watched a range of emotions go across he face and after a few seconds he managed to reassert composure and close off again.
"Yes," she said with a nod, "Successive run throughs would eliminate any negative thoughts on the event, allowing you to view it from a different persepctive."
"I've got a headache and this isnt really…."
"It has its origins in scientology so-"
He looked critical. "As in Tom Cruise scientology?"
"I see you've been keeping up with the entertainment news."
"Hey," he said, "In my defense, we ran out of reading material a long time ago and its not my fault that female members of staff keep leaving their copies of Cosmopolitan in the movie room."
"Will you at least consider it?"
He could see that she was going to continue to press the issue, so begrudgingly, he answered, "I'll consider it."
----------------------
Elizabeth entered the infirmary to the sounds of retching, interspersed with groaning, and when she walked around the privacy curtain she could see that Sheppard was leaning over the railing and throwing up into a basin that Beckett was holding for him, while a nurse rubbed his back. He looked truly miserable.
When Beckett noticed her standing there, he passed the basin to Sheppard and walked over to join her, steering her away from the unpleasant scene in the process.
"I'm afraid you've come at a bad time," said Beckett quietly.
"I can see that," she said as she heard more sounds from behind the curtain. "Is he okay?"
"He's been vomiting all afternoon."
"It's really that bad?" She narrowed eyes to more nauseating sounds.
"Aye, he's running the risk of becoming severely dehydrated and the cramps don't seem to be getting any better. He's exhausted."
"I thought the Enzyme would be wearing off by now. Rodney seemed to recover fairly quickly."
"I don't know whether it has anything to do with the amount of feedings he had and the enzyme interacting with his body differently but he's not getting better. If I had some of the enzyme, I could wean him off slowly and his recovery might be a bit smoother. As it is, his body can't cope with complete withdrawal." Beckett looked tired and on edge and she wondered how much sleep he had managed to get since Sheppard had returned.
"I can help," They both turned to see Ronon leaning up against the door. Elizabeth wondered just how long he had been listening to their conversation.
"How?" asked Beckett narrowing his eyes.
"I could capture a wraith, bring it back and you could get some of the enzyme." He walked into the room.
"I'm not so sure that's an option," said Elizabeth, "It would be too risky."
"I know a planet," said Ronon, "I could track one easily." She had no doubts in her mind that he could but it still did not sit right with her.
"That may be the case," said Elizabeth, "But we'll leave that until we're desperate."
"Uh, Doctor Beckett?"
The nurse was calling him.
Beckett crossed the infirmary in a few paces to get to Sheppard's bedside and the nurse showed him the emesis basin.
It was coated with blood.
------------------
Elizabeth watched Sheppard as he slept. Even in his sleep, his face was strained and she could tell that he was consumed with pain. She hated seeing him like this. He was always the strong one; lying here, he showed vulnerability that she rarely ever saw.
She nearly jumped when she heard someone clear their throat behind her. She looked over her shoulder and saw Mckay standing there.
"How's he doing?"
"He's been asleep for a while," she said, "But no change."
Mckay walked over to the bed and leant against the railing as Sheppard shifted in his sleep and mumbled something under his breath. "Can you believe how much younger he looks?"
"He didn't look that old before," noted Elizabeth and she wondered how she knew that. How long had she spent staring at his face to know that?
"Only Sheppard could make friends with a wraith."
"He said that?" Elizabeth asked, "That they were….friends?"
"No," said Mckay, "He made a deal and stuck to it for some inane reason."
A comfortable silence settled between them, one borne of familiarity and mutual respect.
"How did it feel Rodney?" she asked leaning on her hand.
Mckay's back stiffened and he turned to her slowly, leaning back against the bed and crossing his arms over his chest, "What?" He tried to look complacent, as if he had no idea as to what she was referring to.
"The Enzyme withdrawal."
Mckay looked down at the floor, "Painful," he said, "It felt like I wasn't really here." Sheppard groaned again and he checked on him before continuing, "I don't really remember much but I can't remember it being this bad."
"It makes no sense," Elizabeth said pulling a chair over for Mckay to sit on, "If the wraith gave him the gift of life, then-"
"Why is it practically killing him?" asked Mckay as he sat down, "I've been asking myself the same thing." He tapped his fingers on his knees unconsciously.
Rodney Mckay was a man who truly had difficulty sitting still.
"Perhaps the ones that get the gift of life need the wraith to administer the enzyme and it keeps them subdued and more compliant to any of their demands," she postulated. "Beckett says he can't discern if there have been any long term effects because he's the first for this to happen to."
Sheppard flung his hand out and it knocked the railing, he jerked awake, eyes staring wildly around the room.
Elizabeth rose quickly from her chair and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, "It's okay John."
"Elizabeth?" he asked in a weak voice.
"You're in Atlantis." She smiled reassuringly, "Go back to sleep."
He looked up at her with sleepy eyes, licked his lips and then settled back onto the pillow, closing his eyes and promptly falling back into his restless sleep. She swept a piece of his hair off his perspiring forehead and then sat back down next to Mckay as if nothing had happened.
They sat in silence for a while; both watching Sheppard's sleeping form, content with the quiet.
Mckay finally broke the silence, "Want a game of Go Fish?" he asked taking the cards out of his pocket and waggling his eyebrows.
Elizabeth watched him perform an overly elaborate shuffling trick with the cards and raised an eyebrow herself, "I can't really remember how to play it," she admitted.
Mckay continued to shuffle the cards, "It's easy," he said and started to deal.
Elizabeth looked back over to Sheppard as he rolled onto his side and decided that taking her mind off him for a bit might be a good thing. She picked up her cards, eyes not really taking them in and said, "Sure."
They had been playing for a good hour, Mckay beating her every time with a self-satisfying grin, when Sheppard awoke suddenly and threw up all over himself.
Elizabeth set about helping him sit up while a nurse ran over and Mckay sped off to go find Beckett. It seemed that Beckett had run the risk of going to his quarters to get a few hours sleep. It was about to be interrupted.
Sheppard was uncoordinated, his eyes moving listlessly around the room, as if he wasn't really there. Numerous attempts to get him to speak had him mumbling incoherently and trying to bat them away.
"John, you have to calm down," said Elizabeth even as he pushed her away. She didn't know what she was doing, was uncertain how to help him, and instead settled for rubbing his back and speaking in a soothing voice. If Sheppard had been fully aware of his actions, she was sure he would mortified with his current state.
"No," he called out, lost in another crippling delusion.
The nurse received a kick to her thigh and he tried to hook his legs over the edge of the bed.
"I'm going to kill him," he shouted loudly.
"John, stop," Elizabeth said skirting around the bed to stop him from moving.
"Kolya!" he called out. He was pulling his I.V line out and staring at the trickle of blood on his hand as if it were the most fascinating thing in the world. She realised quickly that in his frame of mind, he wasn't going to listen, and before she could stop him he was pushing himself off the bed.
"Kolya isn't here John," she said.
Beckett ran into the room just as Sheppard dropped down onto the floor, his legs crumbling beneath him. He sat awkwardly, legs bent at an awkward angle, fingers clawing out for purchase.
"Colonel," Beckett reached out for him and Sheppard shrunk back. Beckett looked down at his outstretched hand, his open palm and pulled it back. He noticed that Sheppard was holding one of his hands up to his chest, where the feeding mark had been, trying to protect himself.
"No!" he shouted.
"What's happening?" asked Mckay numbly.
"He's having another episode," said Beckett, "Sara, I need you to get me a sedative and something to calm his stomach. He had a gastrointestinal bleed earlier, this will only make it worse." He directed to Elizabeth and Mckay.
Sheppard was kneeling, his hands wrapped around his stomach as he groaned and rocked to try to alleviate some of the pain. He coughed and gagged, his stomach burning with the abuse it had received, his muscles spent and providing him little energy to move beyond his current position.
"Carson?" Elizabeth asked worriedly.
"Maybe you two should wait outside," suggested Beckett as he kept his eyes focused forward.
"We're staying here," said Mckay, "You can't expect us to leave when he's like this."
"Rodney, you're not helping," Beckett ground out.
"Carson, I'm not leaving." Mckay folded his arms across his chest.
"Make it stop," Sheppard said reaching up to his head. It felt like his brain was going to leak out of his ears and his vision was so fuzzy and blurred it continued to make him sick to his stomach.
"I'll give you something to make it stop." Beckett said reassuringly.
"No," Sheppard said batting his hand away angrily, "Stop the pain." He clarified and breathed in deeply, sucking in a lungful of dizzying air.
"Where?" Beckett asked.
"Everywhere," he groaned as he leant against the bed.
"We can't help you. You have to push through it."
"You push through it," Sheppard snapped angrily, "This has been going on for days and it's not getting better. God, it's more painful than when that bastard was feeding on me," he said and arched his back.
"Come on Sheppard," said Mckay, "I thought you had a high pain threshold?"
"Rodney," Beckett warned.
"Hey, if he's in pain and he's telling you, you have to know it's bad. That's all I'm saying," said Mckay defensively.
"If you're not going to help, go away…." Sheppard scrubbed his face, "All of you, just go away and leave me alone."
Elizabeth clamped a hand over her mouth. She couldn't watch the scene in front of her any longer. Sheppard was inconsolable, in tremendous amounts of pain and there seemed no end to it.
Before she had any awareness of what she was doing, she found herself standing out in the hallway, tapping her earpiece and saying, "Ronon. You still want to go off-world?"
TBC
REVIEW please…………..okay so I struggled a little so I apologize if it's a little off. I'll go back and edit it at some point…..:)
Any mistakes are my own as I have no beta……