She was breathtaking as she stood there all in white, the lines in her face wrinkled as she smiled, those smoldering chestnut orbs concentrated on the woman before her. Emma could feel the muscles in her face pulling, her heart fluttering in her chest. It took all her will not to rush the distance between the two and pull Regina into her arms.
The soft melody of a piano caressed her ears and she looked toward the source for a moment, but the figure was hazy, unrecognizable. She paid them no mind and brought her attention back to the raven-haired beauty waiting for her. Her heart leapt.
Perfect.
The word echoed in her mind, but never left her lips. She couldn't make out the patterns of the dress. It was merely a fountain of white, falling from Regina's waist in a waterfall of milk and flowed to the ground in a pool of satin.
Emerald eyes fell away from the lake of white, the color blinding her now. The sound of mild chatter surrounded either side of the blonde, but when she looked, there was no one there. The rows of chairs were empty.
This hadn't seemed to bother her, instead she felt as if a million eyes were upon her. She looked back to Regina once again, but the brunette seemed further than before. She saw the older woman's mouth open, as if to call her name, but no sound followed.
Emma broke into a sprint to catch the voice that was lost, but no matter how hard she had pushed, Regina seemed to have distanced herself more. Then she heard it; a muffled voice in the distance like a soft thunder. She attempted to catch it but the world around her faded to black.
Emma Swan felt her consciousness regaining, reality pulling her back to life. She heard a distant shout. Panic seized her for a moment as she wondered if someone might have broken into their house until she opened her eyes to the empty side of the bed. Letting her stomach fall back into place, the blonde listened for Regina.
"Emma!" Her name was called once again, and it didn't sound happy.
Hastily, she scrambled out of bed, more fearful than anything. The last time that she had taken her time when Regina had called her name, it didn't end pleasantly. She frowned at the thought. The two of them seemed to have been getting short with each other more often than not; even for the smallest of things.
It was Regina, for the most part, that had been so easily angered. Her mind reeled back to their most recent argument, as she slowly sauntered down the hallway, when the brunette had tripped over one of Emma's shoes that she had left in the entryway. Emma found that it was best to kick her shoes off upon entering the house and store them by the door for later use, but Regina heard none of it. She preferred them to be in the closet and she had told her fiancée as such.
And the argument had spun into a tangled web that Emma found herself trapped in. She had said a few things to the brunette that she had regretted instantly. More words were said; useless nitpicks just to keep yelling. The two had eventually split when their tempers rose higher; Regina to the bedroom and Emma to the living room. And as it had been before, one or the other would crawl out from under their rock and apologize. And then that was that.
The entire thing was frightening, to say the least, as they always were. But, Gods, this time was different.
She was terrifying in her anger. Emma had seen it before; the molten fire swirling in her eyes and the vein in her forehead, pulsing, threatening. Her mother could draw this out of her easily, she knew. And she thought that she would never have to see it again, that it would have died with Cora, but she was wrong.
She was staring at the face of someone that wasn't Regina. This was a she-panther waiting to tear her apart… and she had every right to.
Why did she leave her shoes out again?
Regina echoed her thoughts, her voice deadly and quiet. That scared Emma more than the yelling.
The blonde offered her a sheepish smile, hand flying to the back of her neck. "Maybe we should invest in a little shoe thing out here?"
Her attempt at humor hadn't sated the brunette's anger. Not this time. She gave a nervous chuckle, backing up slightly, only to find herself bumping into the couch. Regina never moved, her eyes still pinned on the younger woman.
"Don't think you're going to get out of this, Emma. I told you just the other day not to leave your shoes out here." Her lips pressed together for a moment and Emma could see her take a deep breath. "Does what I say go in one ear and out the other?"
"Well, you know how childish I can be." Emma attempted once again to lighten the mood. Maybe if she just tried a little harder...
The stone face that she wore had the blonde's heart sinking. "Gods knows the way that you act, you're still a child. You're still a child…" Her eyes fell away for a moment, but when they returned, sadness shone in them.
"I'm twenty, Gina, I'm not a child." Emma seized the opportunity and drew a foot forward, stopping almost instantly when Regina had spoken, voice laced with venom.
"You sure as hell don't act like it." She took a step back, tugging at Emma's heart and silencing her for the brunette to continue. "You play video games all day, you leave dirty dishes and food everywhere, and you don't pick up after yourself, let it be your shoes," the shoe that she had tripped over earlier had been held up and thrown at the blonde's feet, "or your clothes. Our apartment would be a pigsty if I didn't clean it up myself."
Anger bubbled within Emma and her nostrils flared. "I do clean up after myself!"
"When, Emma? Days after you make the mess?"
"I might have left a dish or two, but not like what you say."
"More than once. More than once." Olive fingers dug into the flesh of olive palms. "And don't you tell me that you don't leave your clothes strewn all over the room, or your shoes, or your jackets. If you ever felt so inclined to hang something up every once in a while, maybe we wouldn't be having this discussion."
"Why are we having this… discussion?" Gods did she want it to stop. She hated fighting.
"Because I am sick of it, Emma. I would like to come home every once in a while to a clean house." She moved from her spot and Emma flinched, but she walked passed the blonde and to the kitchen where a few dishes sat unwashed in the sink. She picked one up and inspected it as she continued. "I am not your maid, gods, Emma, I am not. I work all day and I have to come home to this while you, what? Do nothing? Sit on your ass?"
Emma's brows furrowed, eyeing the plate warily. She kept her place behind the couch. "You told me that you didn't want me to work-"
"You could lift a finger to help out around the house."
"I go to school!" Emma found the words out of her mouth before she could control the filter. She almost wanted to stuff them back into her mouth. Almost.
"Not all day, you don't. You quit that job how long ago? How many extra hours do you have?" Regina's fingers went white as they pressed into the plate. Don't break it, don't break it, don't break it…
"I still have to study and-"
"I have not once seen a book in your hand, Emma. Always a controller… and these damned dishes!" She threw that plate and Emma felt the need to duck, even though it crashed against the wall into a million pieces far from her. She could feel herself tremble.
They argued, maybe, but there was never violence.
"Gods, are you drunk?" Emma couldn't help the question, but she had to ask. This wasn't Regina at all. Not the woman that she fell in love with. "You're fucking crazy."
Laughter fell from the brunette's lips, but not the kind that could make Emma weak. It was cold and humorless. "I wish. Gods, I wish I was drunk right now." She eyed the broken plate as she paced from the kitchen, scoffing. "Another mess."
"I'll clean it up," she meekly muttered, but was stopped by another bout of that terrible laughter.
"You? Clean?" Regina shook her head, the smile fading away into a grim line. "You're as useless as a knife in soup when it comes to that."
Emma frowned. "Why are you acting cruel?"
"Cruel?" A brow quirked. Every movement that she made was another shudder down her spine. "You're insolent. Is that what you want? To start naming insults? I can think of many to call you, my dear."
"Why are you doing this, Regina? What is it going to do for you?"
"Make you listen for once in your life but, apparently, that's never going to happen." Regina closed the distance between the two, the toes of her heels nearly touching Emma's own. She smelled of spices and cinnamon. "Your video games have taken over your life."
"Is that what you're so angry about?" Emma tried to look into her eyes, but the whiskey hues and the fire within felt too daunting and she shied, swallowing. "Aren't we spending enough time together?"
"You're avoiding me," she muttered, as if to herself. "Is the flame of this relationship already losing its glory, Emma? Is that it?"
Emma was taken aback, eyes widening. She finally brought herself to gaze into those eyes she used to find solace in, but they were cold and angry, and she found herself wanting to look away. "Why would you think that?"
Regina stepped back. "It's been almost three years. You were young when we started this relationship."
"And what, you think that I've finally come to my sense?" The older woman didn't say anything. "You know, you really need to work on yourself, or something. Why the fuck do you always think we're not going to last?"
"Look at us now, Emma. Look at us." She shook her head, eyes brimming with tears. "Gods, I don't know. I don't know…"
"You don't know what?" Emma wanted to take that step forward and hold the woman, but she found that she couldn't move.
"I don't even know if you love me, Emma. I don't even know…" She swallowed and blinked the tears away. "I don't even know if I love you."
Those words were like a stake through her heart. Emma's head pounded, her heart thundering in her ears, and for some reason, she felt angry. "What the fuck are you talking about?"
Regina brought her gaze to meet with Emma's. "We've spent months apart, it feels. I'm busy, you're busy, we only share a bed together. Maybe we've fallen out of love. We've fallen out of sync, that's for sure and maybe it was just in time."
"Just in time?" For what?
"Before we get married."
"I love you, Regina." Emma frowned, but the older woman turned away. Her heart broke inside her chest, Regina pulling it with her.
"Maybe we should call it off." Regina said, deaf to her rising desperation.
"You're breaking up with me?"
She didn't say anything, only stood there, staring, but not seeing.
Why can't I read her? she thought, frowning.
"Regina." Emma fought back tears, her throat constricting.
"You're messy and you're petulant and you're…" She shook her head, the smile that had started to form faded away. "You said it yourself that you only went after me for my looks. You wanted to fuck me and nothing more. Just like everyone else."
"Whoa, what the hell are you talking about?"
Regina crossed the distance between them once again, her pace alarmingly fast. "Admit it, Emma. Think. Just think for once! You're used to saying you love me because that's what I wanted to hear. Do you honestly feel anything or are they just words?"
Emma couldn't speak. The words she wanted to say died on her tongue. Of course, I fucking love you, you idiot! But she thought, just as Regina had told her to do, and came up empty. She always imagined her life with Regina, but it seemed to be fading away into nothingness.
"Or are you too broken to know what love actually is? To know what it feels like?" Regina sneered and a hand went up to grab the ivory jaw before her. Emma froze, eyes locked in on the brunette's own. "This relationship is folly, nothing but a figment made from our desperation for something real to cling to. Because how can it be real? How can it work when we're only pieces and never whole and everything in this universe is against our very existence?"
This isn't Regina. This is a nightmare. This isn't Regina. This is a nightmare. This isn't Regina. This is a nightmare. This is Regina. This isn't a nightmare.
Her heart crumbled in her chest and her lungs turned into cement. She couldn't breathe.
"You know what I say is true, Emma. That's why you're not talking." Roughly, Regina pulled away from the blonde.
"What do you want from me? To say that I don't love you?" She took a step forward, her pain and her anger and every other useless emotion coming forward in a flurry. "Fine, I don't love you, Regina. I only ever wanted to fuck you and get your money and live for free and I wanted to marry you as quickly as I could just to take your fucking money when you die. Gods only knows that you're old enough. How could I ever love a broken woman like you?"
None of it was true, what she was saying, yet she had said all of it anyways. She was trying to get a point across, she thought for the better good, but she went too far. The hurt in her lover's eyes stung her like a bee. Her emotions always seemed to get the better of her, taking over her mouth before her mind could even think to stop it.
"I knew it…" Her voice cracked.
"Gina, wait…"
"Gina?" Regina scoffed and it was like a knife through her chest. "You've taken to calling me Regina since this argument had started, but now that you're ready to tuck tail and turn away, you're resorting to calling me by a nickname that you didn't even make up. Finish what you've started, Emma, there's no going back."
"I-I did to!"
"As I recall, you had accidentally called me that after your words were lost." She turned around and held out her hand. Emma felt compelled to hold out her own and received a ring in return.
"What is this?"
"I don't think we should go through with the wedding, Emma." Regina had quickly turned away and busied herself with the broken glass. "You've said it yourself. You do not love me. All you want is my money."
"Come on, Gina… Don't be like this. You know I didn't mean it…" Emma found herself grab a broom and dustpan before slowly inching her way toward the brunette who looked so small as she crouched by the broken ceramic.
"Didn't you hear me, Emma? Didn't you hear yourself?" She looked up now, eyes rimmed red.
The blonde shook her head, attempting to urge those tears away, but they came silently, falling down her cheeks like streams. Regina had already looked away, sweeping up the broken plate. "I- I didn't-" Her voice cracked when she spoke again, but was unable to finish her thought.
"I can't stand it anymore. I can't live in this purgatory. We haven't told each other 'I love you' in what feels like months, and even if it would be said, there's nothing behind it. It's empty. It's always empty…" Her body trembled, her words dripping with the tears that she shed. "I thought being in this relationship would make me happy, but it only tears me apart. You smile and laugh with others, you jest and hug your friends, but you leave it at the door when you are with me. What little we had is gone, Emma."
"It's not as if you put any effort into this relationship," she countered, fire in her veins. What right did Regina have to say these things when the woman merely reciprocated her faults? "Who the fuck would want to be around such negative energy especially if they're not willing to change their attitude… Or the very least say something about it."
"Passive-aggressive isn't your strong suit," Regina snorted, words falling to the floor. "We've made a mistake. I made a mistake. We should have waited. We should have never started a relationship." The bitterness had left her tongue, replaced by gloom.
Emma pressed a hand to her mouth as she felt a sob pulling forth. It left without a sound, her entire body shuddering. She couldn't stand it when Regina cried and the woman was breaking in front of her. She lowered herself and put an arm around the older woman but was quickly rejected.
"Don't you dare try to comfort me, Emma. I don't want your sympathies. You do not want me. What am I to you?" Regina stood and strode with the dustpan to the kitchen. The blonde didn't move. "Just leave…"
"I'm not leaving," Emma managed to choke out on a sob. She had just enough time to dodge a flying saucer.
"Leave!"
When she didn't move, another dish was thrown her way, crashing against the wooden floor at her feet. Emma didn't hesitate the next time Regina readied to throw the remaining dish at her and quickly grabbed her keys from the end table by the door and the shoes that had started this argument before she fled, as she always had.
Emma made it outside and to her Bug before she finally broke down, heart racing and head pounding. What was she going to do? Where was she going to go? She had nothing with her. She hadn't even thought about it.
So, she drove in the night and didn't stop, tears blurring her vision and a rock in her heart. When she did stop, she found herself in front of the Nolans' apartment in Storybrooke. How she had managed to make her way here, she didn't know, but she didn't question it.
And she didn't get out of her car, either. She sat in the driver's seat, wiping her cheeks of the tears that had dried hours ago. She didn't want them to ask questions.
"Gods, what am I going to do?" Emma asked aloud, fresh tears welling in her eyes. She bid them to go away. She had to make something up when she knocked on her parents' door. She didn't want them to know. She didn't want them to ask questions.
What would she tell them, anyways? She and Regina got into a fight? But it was much more than that... Gods, there was so much more to it than that. Did Regina truly not love her? ...did Emma truly not love Regina?
Or are you too broken to know what love actually is? To know what it feels like?
Then what did she feel for Regina if not love? Were they just words to soothe their desires? Were they empty? Meaningless? Had she fought against everyone to defend this "love" for nothing? Just a mere fascination in their minds?
She wondered briefly if Regina had questioned herself of these things, or if she had truly believed what she had said. The thought of Regina never truly loving her sent a wooden stake through her already crumbling heart. Why did she tell Regina those things?
It must have been hours before David had tapped on Emma's window. The blonde had pulled herself from a nightmare of yelling and flying plates to the harsh light of day and her father's curious face. When she shifted and a ring bit deeply into her hand, did she realize everything had really happened and none of it was a nightmare.
Her head pounded once again. She sighed and opened her door, keys out of the ignition and into her pocket. The warm breeze was welcome and airy compared to her hotbox.
"Hey."
"Hey. What brings you here?" He stepped aside to allow his daughter out of the vehicle.
"Oh, uh…" Her heart squeezed, but she forced a smile that barely formed. "Just visiting. Thought I would before the new school year starts."
David chuckled softly and brought an arm around his daughter. "Where's Regina?"
"At home. She said it was okay." Emma shrugged, forcing the answer before it died on her tongue.
"I see. Well, I'm actually off to work, but Mary Margaret's inside. She'll be happy to see you. It's been a while."
"It's been busy," she murmured, reluctantly pulling away from his arms. She hadn't realized how much she needed a hug. Her mind reeled to Regina.
"Life can get in the way. I'm glad that you came up." He smiled and ruffled her hair, eyes falling to the blonde's arm. He seized it and quirked a brow. "Cute."
"Oh…" Emma giggled shyly, eyes falling to that little panda that stared back at her. "I got that for my birthday."
"I wished you would have shown us." He gave her a wry look before releasing her arm. "What birthday was this?"
"My nineteenth," she said, frowning.
David gave her a look. "And you came up for Christmas twice without showing us?"
"As I said, we've been busy. It escapes my mind." She sighed softly. "I don't want to make you late for work."
"Oh, of course. Another glorious day at the station." David laughed, eyes smiling, and bent to press a kiss to her forehead. "I'd say hi to your mother before you go off, though. She'll be happy to see you."
"I don't think I'm going anywhere else today." Emma shrugged, but nodded and stepped away from her car.
"Are you alright, Emma?" He frowned, a hand falling to her shoulder.
"Yeah," she lied. "Don't worry. I'll see you later."
"Of course, honey." He gave her a skeptical smile. "Have a good day."
Emma nodded before heading toward the apartment building and up the flight of stairs to the familiar green door. She smiled at it. It was good to be back here; the first place that she could call home. She rapped on the door and the voice of Mary Margaret soon followed.
"I swear, David, if you forget your keys one more time I am going to glue them to your- Emma!" When the door opened, Emma was greeted by a bright and cheerful smile. "What are you doing here?"
"I was in the neighborhood and decided to drop by." Emma jested, awkwardly shifting. "I thought maybe I could stay here a couple of days before school starts back up, if you don't mind."
"No! Of course not!" Mary Margaret reached for the blonde's hand and brought her inside, buzzing about the house with a hum. "Would you like some coffee? I made some for David, but he only took a cup. Are you hungry? We have plenty of food."
Emma seated herself at the kitchen counter, leaning against it on her elbows. "I'll take some coffee, thank you. I'm not really hungry."
"Of course, Emma!" She quickly fixed up a cup of coffee for her daughter and gestured towards the dining table. "Why don't we sit down and catch up?"
The blonde didn't protest and stood, taking the cup given to her before marching over to the table behind her mother. She sighed and slipped into the dining chair, sipping the hot beverage. "What do you want to talk about?"
Mary Margaret beamed, sitting upright in her chair. "What have you been up to?"
Emma shrugged and her mother frowned. "Nothing really. Finished up the school year."
"How did you do?" She leaned forward on her elbows. "Your job didn't trouble you any, did it?"
"No, I… uh… quit my job in March. It was getting to be too much." Emma dipped her head to take another swig from her mug, eyes closing as she allowed the warm liquid to slide pleasantly down her throat. "I didn't do too bad, I don't think. I passed, so that must count for something."
"Just passing doesn't count for anything, Emma." Mary Margaret gave her a pointed look, but when Emma had merely dipped her head, she sighed and pressed onto another subject, reluctantly. "How's Regina been doing? I'm sure that she's glad it's summer vacation. It'll give her some time off."
"Yeah," her daughter murmured, the caramel colored liquid seemed interesting. "But she's been preparing things for next year and…" Shrugging, she trailed off and swirled the contents of her cup around.
"Have you two been planning for the wedding?" Then she sat back, eyes widening slightly. "It's not too far away now, is it? Just about four more months, huh? It's in November, right?"
Emma only nodded at this, each word that Mary Margaret said was another kiss of the blade. She found her leg bouncing up and down when a heaviness settled in her chest and the ache threatened her vision, blurring it.
No no no no no…
She swallowed and attempted to focus her attention back on her mother, blinking the water from her eyes.
"Are you alright, Emma?" A hand was reaching for her own, but Emma quickly nodded, pulling her hands to herself.
"Yeah, I am. Just a little tired. I didn't sleep well last night." At least that was true. She did fall asleep in the car, after all. She hadn't meant to. Though the exhaustion creeping behind her eyes felt as if it were caused by more than just a sleepless night.
She didn't want that. She never wanted that. She didn't even want to think about that.
Go away go away go away…
But she knew, deep down, that no matter how hard she would try to push away the darkness creeping into her mind, it would settle still and not leave. And when that happened, she wouldn't be able to smile nor would she be able to feel, nor would she care about her life or the other lives around her. Regina always seemed to be able to take away that darkness with the light of her smile.
Gods, what did I do?
"Maybe I should let you take a nap." Mary Margaret was now standing, taking the empty mug from her daughter's hands.
"Huh?" Emma blinked from her thoughts, her voice had seemed a thousand leagues away.
"You. Nap. You're spacing out." The older woman chuckled.
"Oh, yeah. Yeah…" Shaking her head, the blonde stood from her spot. Each step that she had made thereafter felt as if her feet were cement bricks. The stairs – gods, the stairs – seemed to add another heavy brick to her shoulders.
She didn't want to be here. Being here meant leaving Regina alone at the apartment, more than likely feeling like a piece of trash, discarded on the side of the road. Emma collapsed onto the small bed, eyes closing before her emotions could catch up with her.
It felt as if had only been a second before Emma stirred when the sun's rays spilled across her face. Exhaustion still kept heavy behind her eyes, but she sat up despite her brain's intent on returning to slumber. As she sat there, trying to shake away the rest of her sleep, she could smell something very faint, familiar - it was sweet and floral.
Before she could remember who it belonged to, she stood and made her way downstairs to be greeted by her mother's warm smile.
"How was your nap, sweetheart?" She neared her.
"Fine. I'm, uh, gonna go hang with Ruby if that's alright?"
Mary Margaret chuckled and touched her arm. "Of course, Emma. I'm not going to stop you. Dinner will be at six."
"See you later… mom." Emma forced a smile at her before rushing out the door, breathing finally when she stepped onto the streets of Storybrooke. It had been far too long. She missed dearly the openness of the town however strange that may sound.
The scent on the wind was sweet and briny, reminding her of home. Even though Boston was a dream, it felt too cluttered at times and the air was difficult to breathe. It was freeing here; refreshing.
Perhaps that was her nap's doing. She felt rejuvenated. But something felt out of place as if there was a piece missing.
None of that mattered as she approached and entered Granny's Diner.
"Hey, bitch! I didn't know you were in town!" Ruby was quick to round the counter, a smile as bright as the sun on her face. Emma soon found herself engulfed by warm arms and found herself sinking in the familiarity of them.
"I decided to drop by for a bit before school started," she hummed into chocolate locks. Her eyes were caught by a flash of yellow at the counter.
"Belle!" Emma said her other friend's name with a grin and was pulled into another embrace.
"Emma, such a delight! I didn't expect you so soon."
"It's been almost a year since this bitch has been back." Ruby snorted, eyes narrowing on the blonde but a bout of laughter soon followed when her lips parted to speak. "Nah, don't worry about it," she interrupted Emma's apology. "I get it. Life is crazy. Unfortunately you came at a shit time since both me and Belle have to work."
"Tell me about it," Emma muttered and slid onto one of the bar stools. "Sorry 'bout the timing. I just needed to get out of the house."
"Can I get you anything?"
"Uh, no. I'm fine." Ruby quirked a brow but didn't say a thing as she moved behind the counter once again, working at the till. "Don't mind me. I'm just finishing up a few things Granny wanted me to do before my shift."
"S'okay. What've you been up to?" The blonde could feel herself start to relax while she listened to Ruby and Belle bring her up to speed.
"- and so I've been trying to save up," Belle concluded, elbows on the counter and cute little smile on her face.
"I'm proud of you, Belle. I mean, I seriously thought you were going to go to college straight after we graduated, but I'm glad that you've decided to do something now."
"Yeah, me too. But if I kept putting it off, I would keep doing it until it'd be too late. I figured it'd be easier to get a job at the library." She played with the straw that poked out of her iced tea.
"And you, too, Rubes." Ruby's eyes narrowed on her friend.
"Granny advised it. Wanted me to understand more and shit about running a business even though she taught me most everything she knew." The waitress shrugged and leaned forward. "But enough about our adventures in college, what's been up with you and Regina?"
Belle's attention was piqued and the question that had been on her mind was brought forth. "Where is she?"
"Uh, definitely not here."
"Having another 'conversation' with your parents?"
Emma snorted and caught the swan pendant that lay against her chest. "She's still in Boston." Ruby's brows immediately rose. She could feel the burning questions about to arise and decided to intercept them. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Oh, ho, ho!" Ruby clapped her hands together and leaned forward. "Do tell. Did you two have a fight?" Emma wanted to stare at her and deny her attempts to pry, but the question immediately had her eyes falling to the counter and its quaint design. "You did!"
"Come on, Ruby. Leave her alone." Belle touched her girlfriend's hand, taking her attention away from their friend. "Let's not bring this party down."
They drove off into a small argument of their own, leaving Emma to block them out. She could hear Regina's voice in their tones; harsh, biting, accusing. It left a bitter taste in her mouth. What point is there to a relationship if it would just end anyways?
Of course, the logical part of her brain answered that question for her; the experience. There could be something buried in that other person, something that no one else might have. Like eyes that could draw you in or a smile that could liquefy your insides or a laugh that could turn your legs to jelly.
Or someone that could destroy you completely, tearing the world down around you and leaving you standing there, lost and alone.
"Em?" She felt a hand on her arm and looked up to find Ruby staring at her. It was Belle's hand and voice. "Are you alright?"
Emma shook her head. "I think things are over between me and Regina."
"What happened?"
"Do I need to kick her ass?"
"Ruby, really?" Belle huffed and took Emma's hand. "Don't pay attention to her. What happened?"
Their gazes met. Belle's eyes were like blue crystals. Regina's was gold when captured in the right light. It struck her in a sore place.
"We fought… badly. She threw plates at me and told me to get out."
"Whoa. Did not know she was capable of that," Ruby muttered under her breath but Emma caught it. "The fuck did you do?… Did you cheat on her?"
"No!" Emma's nostrils flared. How could Ruby think she was capable of such a thing? The waitress raised her hands in defense, muttering a quick apology. She took a moment to regain herself and answered, "I just… I don't know what happened. These past few months… Fuck, this past year has been- We haven't really-…" She shook her head. What was this past year? It felt as if it were a dream and she was just rolling along with it. Why couldn't she have noticed the lack of communication between she and Regina? "We've been drifting apart, I guess."
"Drifting apart as in how?" Ruby pried before Belle could take a more tender direction in prying. This earned her a dirty look. She returned it and, for a moment, Emma smiled. Her friends were one-of-a-kind.
"I don't know. Me working, her working. School, friends, video games…" She frowned, listing off the reasons Regina had told her. "She's been taking up extra work over the summer like proctoring summer school and shit for extra money. I don't know… It- uh…" She sighed, failing to find the right words. "She said she didn't know if she loved me."
"What the fuck?" Ruby's palms slammed on the countertop startling Emma. "What kind of bullshit is that?"
"She asked if I even loved her," Emma continued.
Ruby pried, "And what did say?"
"I told her that I loved her, but…"
She could feel Belle squeezing her arm in an attempt to comfort her. "What do you think?"
"I think… I think that I don't know," she admitted, biting the inside of her cheek. "I tried to come up with a reason to give her - to give myself - and I couldn't."
"Bitch, you love her and you very well know it." Ruby hooked a finger under her chin, forcing Emma's eyes to meet her own. "We can all see the way you act around each other like some fools drunk in love. It's disgusting, frankly. But it's real."
"Maybe it was then."
"No, maybe it is now." The waitress dropped her hand. "I think you guys are just confused and hurt. Maybe she's just questioning it because of your schedules and she has you questioning it, too."
Emma could only shrug. She couldn't muster up an argument this time and crossed her arms on the countertop, resting her chin on top of them. "Sometimes you say things, Ruby, that makes me think you're not a total bullshitting idiot."
Belle chuckled beside her. "She can say some meaningful things that make you think sometimes, I must admit that."
"Thanks for the credit, guys." Ruby rolled her eyes. "Listen, girl, don't let this hold you back from possibly the best thing in your life. One day, you're gonna look back on this with Regina and laugh about how silly you guys were."
"Ruby's right. Just breathe and take things one step at a time." Belle stood from her stool and wrapped an arm around the blonde for a quick hug before parting. "I really wish I could stay, but unfortunately I must get to work. You're in good hands."
"It's fine, Belle. Thank you for being here."
"We've both got your back. Forever." Ruby pledged, stepping around the counter to give Belle a quick hug and peck on the lips. "See you later. Try to have fun."
Belle gave an exasperated look before nodding toward Emma.
"Maybe you should reach out to her, Em," Ruby suggested, favoring her right foot as she leaned against the bar stool. "Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person."
"So she can fucking scream at me again?"
"Relationships have a shit ton of screaming." The waitress' eyes fell to Belle's back as she left through the diner's door. "Me and Belle have had our fair share of matches. Trust."
"Yeah, but did she throw shit at you?"
"We both threw shit at each other." Ruby smirked. When silence was met, she spoke again, "Look, I know you can't just walk away from her and pretend she didn't exist." Emma frowned and played with the pendant that still fell from the delicate chain around her neck. Ruby noticed. "I know you love her despite what she made you think."
"I know," she muttered, fingernails digging into her palms.
"Just think about it. You can't avoid her forever."
Ruby was right. She needed to be the bigger person and reach out to Regina, regardless what may come of it. She decided to play it safe and shot off a simple:
Hey.
"Did you do it?"
"Yeah. Now let's see if she responds."
Minutes later when she checked her phone, she found no response and tried again.
Gina?
"Did she respond yet?" Ruby now sat across from her in one of the booths that they had transferred to, leaning forward on her elbows.
"Nope. I doubt she will."
"Oh, come on. Maybe she's busy?"
Emma merely shook her head and dropped her phone onto the table. "Doing what? It's the weekend."
"I don't know, but give her a minute." Ruby swiped through her phone, frowning slightly when she came upon the same results.
"Just drop it!"
Then that wolfish smile appeared in the form of a vibrant red curve.
"What did you do?" When Emma snatched her phone of her best friend's hand, she was met with a third message.
Come on…
"Really, Rubes?" As the brunette was shrugging, her phone buzzed in her hand indicating a new message.
"See? Everything works out for me, eh?"
"Oh, sure," she spat, showing Ruby the next message.
Leave me alone.
"Well, that was rude."
"No shit." Emma released a sigh and turned her attention to the small screen. What could she say in response? Ruby. She always had the right answer.
You can't avoid me forever.
I don't want to hear anything from you.
Her response was almost immediate and the first thing that came to mind made it through the next message.
Who's the child now?
Don't text me again.
"Don't text me again," she repeated the message aloud to her friend, brows furrowing. "I believe I made things worse."
"You didn't make things worse, Emma. At least you reached out and she didn't… well, scream at you or anything." Ruby pushed herself out of the booth when the blonde's eyes remained on her the dark screen of her phone. "Look, girl, you look exhausted and… It's been a rough day, I'm sure. Why don't you just go back to your parents' and rest?"
"Excuse me?" Emma wasn't able to get one word in edgewise before she was pulled out of the booth as well, awkwardly left to stand.
"You're tired. You need to give yourself a break. Rest and think everything over, okay?"
"What is there to think over?"
"If you have to ask that question, Emma, then you haven't thought of anything." Emma almost didn't recognize her best friend. Ruby's face had been rid of her usual playful demeanor and replaced with a solemn frown. "Get going, alright? My shift is starting soon and…"
"I got it. I'm a downer."
"You're not-"
"No, it's fine. I-I, uh, need to go anyway. See you later, okay?"
"Okay." Ruby nodded slightly and followed Emma as she slowly wondered toward the exit. "Update me, 'kay?"
"Alright."
Emma didn't take her time to walk through the streets of Storybrooke back to the Nolans' apartment. Each step that she took grew more weighted as a shadow hung over her. She barely made a noise to Mary Margaret when she asked about her visit before finding her way back to the small twin bed upstairs.
She tried to ignore the sweet perfume that still clung to the sheets. Why didn't her parents change the bedding? she wondered, pressing her nose against the pillow and inhaling deeply. For some reason, beyond the rocks that sunk into her stomach, she felt… tranquility. It took her sweetly into its arms and lulled her into another dark slumber.
When she had finally awakened, night had fallen, bathing her in moonlight. For a moment, she wondered where she was and why the bed was so cold. She rolled over, only to find herself on the ground with a soft thud and a new ache in her hip.
"Fuck!" she cursed, shoving the useless blankets that only tangled her with the bed. Emma heard the stairs creak under the weight of a visitor ultimately doubling her efforts and by the time was pulling herself up with help from the mattress, a voice spoke.
"Are you alright, Emma?'' The blonde looked behind her to see David, illuminated by the downstairs lighting. She nodded.
"I fell off the bed," she mumbled and staggered when her hip screamed in protest. Light blinded her soon after and she was sure she looked like something from a horror film the way that she limped ungracefully towards her father, blinded and in pain. "What time is it?"
"Eight," he answered, rushing toward Emma with a frown, an arm hooking under her armpit. "Mary Margaret said you came back from visiting Ruby, mumbled something to her, and passed out."
"Apparently." She gained her footing and shooed the man away. "I didn't break anything. I just walk like a disfigured monster, is all."
David laughed. "Would you like some ice for that?"
Emma shook her head, moving passed the sheriff to head down the stairs. The scent of dinner still lingered in the air. Her stomach growled. She hadn't eaten since yesterday morning and the gnawing in her stomach was a painful reminder.
"It's gonna be a bruise." She made her way to the kitchen where Mary Margaret was pulling a baking dish from the oven. "What's for dinner?"
"We already had ours." The dark-haired woman smiled, gesturing toward the dish that was now on top of the stove. It was a casserole that didn't look appetizing, but the aroma made her even hungrier. "It's chicken casserole. I kept it warming in the oven for when you got up."
"Thanks." She nodded slightly and grabbed a bowl from the cabinet to spoon the remaining noodles into. When she took her leave to the dining table, her parents followed. She took a bite and chewed, though her appetite was lost when they started to speak.
"I would like to visit you and Regina sometime," her mother said, smiling. "I still haven't seen the apartment."
"Yeah," she replied, stabbing the casserole with her spoon.
"Did you show your mother your tattoo?"
She froze when David asked the question. Her eyes, wide, went to Mary Margaret who stared at her. She offered a sheepish smile. "No."
"You have a tattoo?" The schoolteacher raised a brow. "Emma Swan! You should know better than to get something like that. They are permanent. You'll have them for the rest of your life. Do you want that thing still when you're-"
"Mary Margaret, will you stop it? This is why she didn't show you." David set a hand on his wife's and squeezed it. "Emma, just show her."
Emma nodded, gave in, and offered up her arm. The panda she got for Regina still looked on with sparkling eyes and the green stalk of bamboo in paw. Mary Margaret tried to be angry, Emma could see the way she pressed her lips together, but the smile quirked on them, regardless.
"That's cute," she murmured, thumb tracing a pattern on the small bear. "Why a panda?"
"Gina," Emma answered, withdrawing her arm to take another bite of her meal. "She loves pandas. She got a swan on her arm."
"Really?"
The blonde nodded, dropping the spoon back into the bowl, uneaten bite falling into the rest. David frowned at this. He had been studying her. She could feel his eyes.
"Are you okay, Emma?"
"I'm not hungry." She pushed the bowl away, forcing a smile on her lips. "It was good, though."
"Okay." He nodded slowly. "Is everything going alright with Regina?"
The question stole the air right out of Emma's lungs. She couldn't find the ability to breathe as she sat there, staring at the man who had merely returned the look. She nodded, her words caught in her throat, but the tug of tears threatened her eyes. She willed them away, swallowing around the lump in her throat.
"Yeah, everything's fine." Her voice cracked. "I think I might go back to bed."
"You've just gotten up, Emma," Mary Margaret started, but her husband cut her off.
"Let her go," David said, his voice soft and thoughtful.
Emma took this as her leave and stood from the table, nodding to her mother. "Thank you for dinner." Without waiting for a response, she scampered off, tears stinging her eyes.
She tried to hold them back, but she found it difficult the more she thought. Emma perched on the edge of her bed and buried her face into her hands, blonde locks tickling her forearms. She should have never left when Regina bid her. She should have stayed.
The plate, though, was her problem. But then she thought, as she always had, and wondered if there was more to it than the fear of breaking the plate with her face. She always ran. Ever since she was a child, she ran from situations that frightened her, emotional or physical. Emma had never been great with emotions, nor was she any better at controlling them.
Love had seemed to quell her urges. Regina did. But she was never good at arguments, especially with the ones that she loved. The fight between she and Mary Margaret should have told enough. She ran then, she ran now.
She regretted both decisions.
Emma rocked on the bed, slowly moving back and forth, as she attempted to keep quiet and breathe through the mucous plugging her nose.
I should have stayed, she thought, over and over, in her mind.
She should have never left. She should have taken Regina into her arms and held her, even if she fought it, and waited until she calmed so they could talk it out. So, she could amend the nasty words that she told Regina. She hadn't meant them. She never meant them.
Why did she say them?
And why did Regina say that she didn't love her?
The thought forced a sob from the blonde. She tried to quell it, a hand pressing tightly over her mouth in hopes that it would work, but she heard it echo in the room.
The two of them hadn't seemed to spend a lot of time together the past few months, so Regina had brought up during their argument, and she realized now. Emma had been concentrated on school and Regina with her work. She also had her job on top of that, which generally brought her late into the evening, leaving days where the two wouldn't even see each other.
That was one of the reasons why she had quit the job, on top of stress with her schoolwork. But when she looked back on it, she had spent the extra time with friends or relaxing away from her fiancee. And when she thought back to the time spent with Regina, the two had only shared meals and slept in bed together, and sometimes that might not have been every night.
Her heart squeezed in her chest. This was something that she feared for in the future; not spending enough time together. She had feared that their love would grow thin and they would drift apart. And no matter how much Regina's voice had echoed in her mind, telling her that she didn't love the older woman, she found that she still couldn't imagine life without her. What once faded in fear only grew stronger.
Emma felt herself sob again and didn't bother trying to stifle it, nor the one that followed, nor the one after that. And they only grew the more she thought.
Regina didn't want her. She broke off their engagement because she didn't want to marry Emma. She saw her face, hard and cold, in her mind's eye, haunting, laughing.
She didn't hear them come in, but the arms around her told that they were there, frowning and hugging. Emma buried her face in her father's shirt, her body shaking, but no longer crying. There was a gentle hand on her back, soothing, but she paid no mind to it.
"We're here, Emma…" Mary Margaret's voice sounded and the palm of the hand flattened on her back.
Emma nodded against David's chest, his musky scent filling her lungs. She closed her eyes, finally sniffing her nose.
"What's wrong, Emma?" It was David who had asked and she felt reluctant to answer, but she knew that it was too late to hold it in.
"I… I got into a fight with Regina…" Her voice was hoarse when she spoke, the words barely coherent, but a hand fell to her head, stroking it.
"What happened?"
"She didn't hurt you, did she?" Mary Margaret sounded angry, but Emma shook her head and told them all of what happened, swallowing back the tears that threatened again.
"I don't know what to do…" She finalized, now sitting away from her father's chest. "I screwed up and… and I- I don't know… I love her. I love her and she…"
"Loves you." Mary Margaret's voice surprised her when she finished the thought, though differently than the blonde had intended. "I have seen it, Emma. She's in love with you, and that's powerful. She's scared."
"I am, too," Emma said, her voice small. "I'm scared that it's over."
"Emma, look at me," David spoke again, his finger hooked under her chin, guiding her face to meet with his. She looked at him, swallowing hard. "It isn't over unless you say that it is. You still love her, Emma, and I know that she loves you. The two of you have something deeper than what could be broken by a simple fight."
Emma, though, attempted to shake her head, but her father wouldn't allow it.
"Listen to me, Emma. Couples have fights, sometimes they are small, sometimes they are big. Your mother and I have had more than one, but it makes us stronger, it makes us see differently." He tucked a lock of golden hair behind the blonde's ear. "These fights give you a chance to see the other side and see what can be done differently to make everyone happy."
Emma contemplated his words.
"Remember what I told you when you called me up and told me that you proposed to Regina?" He continued when she hadn't spoken.
"You asked if I'm doing the right thing and that I tend to run head-first into things?"
"No, after that," he chuckled softly and cupped her knee. "I told you that we meet the ones we're meant for, no matter how young or old we might be, and we know that we will be in each other's lives for the rest of it. And you told me that's why you wanted to marry Regina, because you knew she was the one.
"And remember how I told you that it can sometimes get hard? Even so bad that you think that it's over?" Emma slowly nodded. "Don't give up, Emma, okay? You asked her to marry you for a reason. Remember that reason. Remember your love. Just don't give it up, sweetheart. What you have with her may never be found with another."
Emma was in tears once again. Those words brought her back to that day and to those feelings that she had. The ache in her chest would always remain if she were to walk away, and she knew that it was true. There wasn't going to be another like Regina out there.
And, Gods, at this point, she couldn't even imagine being with another person.
"And we're here for you, Emma. We always will be." He added, dropping a kiss to the top of her head.
"I know…" she croaked, wiping away the pestilent tears.
David pressed a kiss to her forehead. "You have given her time. You have given yourself time. Go back to her and talk this over."
"Not right now, of course. It's late." Mary Margaret brought her gaze away from the clock on the nightstand to smile at the two, a hand reaching for Emma's. She squeezed it when she found it.
"It's been more than a day," she murmured, worriedly.
"By the time you get there, it will be late." Mary Margaret urged, standing from the bed. "Why don't you get some rest and wake up in the morning?"
The blonde nodded, though wore a frown. "Okay."
"Good girl." David stood and pressed another kiss to her forehead. "We're downstairs if you need us, honey."
Emma said nothing as the two of them left, turning the light off as they did so. She sighed and curled up on the mattress, blankets bunched in her arms as she held them. She didn't know if she could wait until the morning. It seemed too far away.
She turned and looked at the time. Mary Margaret was right, of course. It would be three in the morning by the time she hit town. Regina usually went to bed early.
She did as she was told and closed her eyes, desperately trying to find sleep in the dark void that her eyelids provided, but she was not granted such a gift. Emma opened her eyes and lay there, quietly listening to her parents shuffling around downstairs. Their voices were muffled, but she could make out her name as it was spoken occasionally. She tossed onto her other side.
Eventually the noises downstairs ceased and the light that bathed her doorway was gone. Emma quietly sat up, eyes on the clock. It had only been an hour. If she waited a while longer, her parents should be asleep.
Why am I waiting for them to sleep? she wondered to herself.
Her answer was granted twenty minutes later when she found herself sneaking out the front door, still wearing what she had arrived in, and keys in hand. Emma was on the road shortly after, different scenarios running through her mind of what would happen when she arrived home.
Regina would be asleep, but would she wake her? Or would she crawl into bed with her? But what if Regina wasn't asleep? The two would talk. She would apologize to her fiancée straightaway. But would she accept? Or would she tell her to get out, again, a few more plates sacrificed in the process?
Those questions among others blew up Emma's mind, even still when she finally arrived, over five hours later, stopping in her usual parking space. The apartment building seemed daunting in the night. Many of the windows were dark, but a few were lit with the lives of others. She swallowed and entered the building, her head spinning and her hands clammy.
When she opened the door to the apartment, she was met with darkness, the shades pulled down on the windows. Regina wasn't awake. She quietly closed and locked the door behind her before venturing further into the apartment. The shattered porcelain was cleaned up, she had noticed, heading toward the hallway.
Of course, she thought, why would she leave a mess?
Quietly, she made her way to the back bedroom and opened the door. There was a lump on the bed, bathed in city lights, and snoring, as Regina always had. Emma found herself smiling at this, her heart swelling when she saw the older woman's peaceful face.
She didn't want to disturb her. Instead, Emma found herself kicking her shoes off and placing them carefully into the closet before crawling into bed, car keys on the nightstand. When she settled into the bed and under the covers, arms went immediately around her, the snoring softening into a content purr. She smiled even wider, fingers absently combing through raven locks.
The snoring stopped and the woman stirred, quickly pulling away from Emma with her mouth open in a ready scream. Emma panicked and reached for the lamp, yelling, "it's me! It's me!"
"What the hell are you doing here?" Regina shouted, pushing the blankets off her. "Gods, you nearly gave me a heart attack."
"I'm sorry!" Emma sheepishly shrunk against the bed.
The brunette eyed her for a moment before looking over to the nightstand. "What time is it?"
"Almost five," she replied, finally sitting up.
Regina gave her an incredulous look, brows furrowing. "Why are you here at five in the morning? When did you get here?"
"Not that long ago." Emma frowned slightly.
"Why are you here?"
The question only wedged the stake further into her heart. She frowned and spoke, hesitantly at first, "I… I love you, Gina. I'm in love with you. And I can never fall out of it. And… I'm sorry. I never… I never should have said what I did… I don't want you for your money and I don't want you for a place to live. I want you for you. Gods, how could I have ever said that?"
The brunette was quiet for a long moment, exhaustion and tears in her eyes, as she regarded the younger woman. Her fingers clutched tightly at the blankets beside her.
"A-and I promise that I'll spend more time with you, baby. I will. I can't- I can't let you slip through my fingers. I love you way too much and I can't imagine a day without you in it and it was hell being away from you and-" She hadn't realized that she had been crying as she spoke until Regina reached forward, wiping tears from her cheeks and shushing her, streams of crystalline glinting in the moonlight.
"I was scared that you didn't love me, Emma. I know that I should have never assumed…" She choked and shifted closer to the blonde. "It just feels like you've been avoiding me, like I have done something wrong and I felt thrown aside. And you're still- you're in college and your life is far more exciting than this old English teacher's."
Emma laughed and brought Regina into her arms, hands smoothing down her back and tangling in her hair. "I didn't mean- I didn't mean to make you feel like that, Gina. I didn't even realize what I was doing, but I promise, Gods I promise that I will put away the video games and everything else to hold you in my arms and kiss you until the sun rises."
"And I promise to remember not to slip onto the pity train and actually put effort where it is due. It's… It's not your fault, sweetheart. Gods, this is my fault for being so… I should have said something. I shouldn't have blamed you-"
"I think we both needed to do something different but we didn't realize what. Baby, we both suck at this relationship thing, but we'll make it work. We'll put our pieces together and create a whole."
Regina sniffed and laughed, face hiding in blonde locks. "I've missed you. It's only been a day and, Gods, I've missed you until my heart screamed."
The blonde pulled away from her lover, eyes meeting with mocha hues, which instantly melted her own heart. She kissed her, then, tasting the salt of her tears and the sweet familiarity of her lips, her fingers digging into the brunette's hips. Regina made a soft noise of surprise and returned to kiss, fingers tangling in her hair.
"I can never give this up," Emma murmured softly when the two pulled away, the corners of her mouth digging deep into her cheeks. Regina mirrored her smile with a nod.
"Will you kiss me until the sun rises?" The older woman whispered.
Emma nodded, smiling, and leaned forward to claim the soft, pink lips once again, her being slowly gravitating toward the brunette. She was in her lap by the end of their second kiss, but no mind was heeded as their lips crashed down upon one another again, and another time after that.
The sun's rays shone bright in the room by the time the two had finally pulled away, their clothes scattered over the bed and floor, and their skin slick. Emma held Regina in her arms, as it had always seemed, and kissed her head, earning a large smile from the older woman.
"I love you, Gina," she whispered, as if her voice would ruin the moment they had.
But Regina didn't seem fazed. She merely turned her nose into the crook of her young lover's neck and hummed, "And I love you, Emma."
And Emma knew, then, that she would always be home.