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CHAPTER ONE
It was quiet here, silent and still as the darkness of space. John was suspended, weightless and floating, free from everything, even gravity, just as he'd always wanted. Nothing to tie him down, he thought, but then again nothing to hold him up either. The frightening thing wasn't the silence, nor the totality of the stillness: it was how comfortable his body felt. Fed, nurtured, given everything it needed, his body was relaxed. Only his mind could register how unnatural this comfort was, how hostile, how lethal. But though his thoughts raged, his heart beat didn't jog, his muscles didn't tighten. He was no longer the landlord, but merely a tenant in his own body. He could hear the others breathing if he listened carefully enough, but he couldn't talk to them. He couldn't see them, imprisoned behind his eyelids as he was. Even words were beyond him now, as was action. Nothing left for him at all but regret, and She would soon take that from him too.
John Shepherd paused to stretch out, and dimly wondered what lap he was on. Ever since his meeting with Caldwell, he couldn't seem to want to do anything except punch a bag or run. The sonofabitch had all but asked him what colour Elizabeth's underwear was! John grimaced and pushed himself a little bit harder. He damn well knew that if Elizabeth were a man, or he were a woman, then he would not have had to suffer through 45 of the most uncomfortable minutes of his life. No, he amended, if Caldwell weren't a greasy, two-faced snake with an eye on John's job he most certainly wouldn't have had to suffer through the indignity of being asked, essentially, whether he owed his continued presence in Atlantis to his sexual prowess. And his blood boiled when he thought about what they were going to ask Elizabeth, considering what they'd felt comfortable with asking him.
John had known that there were rumours. Hell, if he'd gotten up to even half of what he'd supposedly gotten up to with Elizabeth and Teyla he wouldn't have had time to go off-world. It was natural, when people were cooped up together and living in each others' pockets that stories would be told, and he was by no means the only person to have an undeserved reputation. But he would have thought that a professional would have been able to see that there was nothing more than platonic in his and Elizabeth's relationship. Of course, the incident with Terminator Ken and Barbie taking over he and Doctor Weir's bodies a few weeks ago hadn't helped matters, but if you were going to be held responsible for everything you did while an alien entity was in charge of your body, then half the SGC would have been court-martialed years ago…
John stopped, too out of breath and angry to continue. He'd pushed himself too hard and this was the result. Grimacing, he slid down towards the floor, feeling in his jacket for a bottle of water. Gingerly, he pulled at the side of jacket and t-shirt, lifting both up to check on the thick bandage which still circled his ribs. Mercifully, there didn't appear to be any tell-tale splotches of blood, which meant he hadn't popped any of his stitches. He'd been stuck in the Infirmary for nearly three weeks, and he had no intention of heading back there any time soon. He took a deep breath, tasting the scent of sea that permeated the city no matter where you were.
He'd missed it.
His eyes shot open at the thought. Was he really sure that Atlantis smelt like this, or was this just another hallucination? John felt his heart begin to thud in his
chest. What if he was still there, still with Her, still imagining everything? Could he
be sure? Could he really be certain that he'd stolen that dart, made it back to Atlantis? John could feel sweat prickle at his collar, and he suppressed the impatient urge to punch something. This felt uncannily like a panic attack, and that wasn't something an Air Force pilot was ever supposed to experience. He lowered his head, trying to slow his breathing. This was real, he told himself. This was definitely real. This was nowhere near as pleasant as the world She had created for him. This had to be real…
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