Chapter 8
Der
(that was written by Ted, Gwen's true love)
Then all of a sudden Ed realized something, "Hey you fixed my brother so why can't you fix me?"
"Oh well I guess I could try," said Krit pointing the remote and zapping Ed with it.
"Awesome my arm is all better and . . . Why are my fingers and toes still metal!" yelled Ed.
"Well that was all I could do with out throwing off the balance of the planet your going to have to wait another 30 minutes before I can restore you anymore, sorry." said Krit not really caring.
"What, why you took care of my brother completely so why not me!"
"Time for remote lesson 104!" screamed Gwen all of a sudden desks fell from the sky, and Krit instantly became a teacher, ( oh god I have lower then minimum wage). Everyone got into desks; except for Roy and Al mostly because Al was still pawing at Roy.
"STOP MAKING OUT IN MY CLASS OR I'LL BEAT YOU!" yelled Krit pulling out a metal pipe, Al seemed upset but just picked himself and Roy; walked over to a desk and sat in it. By this time Roy had given up and was now trying to make himself comfortable in Al's lap.
"Today class we are going to learn about G. U. R," said Krit in a nice teachers voice but still holding the pipe.
"What?" asked Ed.
"God's Universal Remote, duh you've never paid attention in school," said Kira sounding very annoyed.
"That's right Kira," said Krit, this making Kira look very smug. "The ways of the remote are very simple once you know the rules really. When it comes to making things appear you must first locate the item from some ware else then teleport it to you. The item may come to you but then it will be missing from some ware else, ok everyone got that? Just then a cell phone rang, Krit answered it, "Where is my car! Robin didn't take it and.."
" Unrecht Nummer!"
"Nein!"
"Falso número!"
"No"
"Incorrect numéral!"
"Non!"
"Yanlýþ sayý!"
"Hayýr!"
"Fasullo novero!"
"I know it's you so stop trying to confuse me!"
"Welcome pizza hut may I take your order?" said Krit pushing buttons on the remote.
"I fucking hate you right now."
"Your pizza will be there in 30 seconds or your drink is free."
"What the hell are you. . . . crash oh my god my car! . . . . . That was 40 seconds by the way." With that Krit pushed one button and hung up the phone.
"See class I teleported his car back to him, then I teleported him in the middle of the Arctic ocean."
"Poor Batman didn't stand a chance," said Kira and Gwen nodded; Ed just twitched.
"Now on with the lesson; portals are the easiest things to do with the remote. A portal is simple a rip in reality ware organisms from either plain can move back and forth until then portal is closed." Then Gwen raised her hand, "Yes question?"
"What happens if the portal is closed and there is still someone traveling through?"
"Good question, we have never really tested this but we have a few theories as to what happens to you. The first is that you simple get pulled out of it and back to ware you entered from. The second you get thrown forward into a random alternate dimension, you could end up in the one you wanted but there are so many its not likely; and of course the last the rift tares you apart and you scattered parts float in a dimensional rift for all time. We could easily test it now even," then Krit made a little hamster appear. He was a cute little hamster, with a little button nose and big eyes full of hope of finding a loving home someday. Krit smiling at the hamster gave him a little ball of food, overjoyed the hamster ate it in one bite. Just as he swallowed it Krit opened a portal tossed the hamster in and closed it quickly.
A look of horror crossed Ed, Roy, and Al's face.
"What did you do that for!" yelled Ed.
"I thought you were a scientist and in the name of science I must find out if my hypothesis is correct."
"What was you hypothesis?" asked Roy still sitting in Al's lap.
"Being closed off in a dimensional portal before reaching the destination would result in instant death." said Krit looking at a small screen on the remote. "Hypothesis correct," was all she said next. This was followed by a long silence.
"Oh I can fix the rest of you Ed," then Krit pointed the remote at Ed and pressed a button, and he was all normal again. This gave Ed extreme joy but then a though came to him.
"Explain how you fixed us." said Ed very serious all of a sudden.
"I didn't take any ones limbs Ed. I used mice. A rodents body chemistry is very similar to a humans, so I use the remote to break apart the mice and reform them into that you would have been at this present time. Now you will grow and not have to worry about anything. I just didn't want to throw off the natural balance is all and it took a lot of mice to fix your little brother so I had to wait a bit. The good thing about mice is they breed fast."
Ed just looked at his arm for a long time then looked up at Krit, "No amount of therapy will ever make this moment ok." Then the desks disappeared and Krit went back to "normal."
Just then a mole waddled up to Gwen and spoke, "We have successfully released the secret weapon and just as you predicted they are either dieing or fleeing."
"Secret weapon?" asked Roy looking at Gwen.
"Pepto-Bismol, I had them fluid the tunnels with the stuff," replied Gwen
"Uh why?" asked Ed
"The evil things spit acid so I use a acid reflux medicine duh."
". . ."
"Any way now all we have to do is help Krit clean out her place and we will be fine," said Kira. Then the giant Viking Eskimos on flying penguins attacked.
"THE ANTARCTIC SPECIAL POLICE FORCE WERE FUCKING SCREWED!" scream Krit as they were dived bombed by the Antarctic police. Being attacked from the air made Gwen curl up in a little ball and scream bloody murder.
"Well she is use less," said Kira, "and so am I." With that Kira grabbed the remote pointed it at herself and went back to her living room.
"Oh I am so going to kill you if I live thought this!" yelled Krit as Kira dropped the remote and jumped into the portal. Just then a axe flew from above and almost cut Gwen if half but she had fallen over in her panicked sobbing and it just missed her.
"GWEN QUICKLY THAT VIKING JUST ATE TED'S HEAD!" as those word were uttered a silence fell on all of them. Suddenly Gwen sat up picked up the axe and launched it back at the Viking that had thrown it and cut him in half.
"Gwen is that your arm?" looking up they saw Gwen's arm in a cage being carried by a penguin.
"FIRST TED THEM MY ARM THAT'S IT YOUR GOING TO DIE! KRIT WEAPONS!"
Krit started fiddling with the remote, until a box appeared. A little confused everyone looked at it.
"What is that, and what are we supposed to do with that?" asked Ed.
"Those are Kira's shoes."
"WHAT YOU BROUGHT THOSE HERE!" with that Gwen launched it at the Vikings. Whi in turn caught it and opened it. This dropped three of them instantly, including the one that had Gwen's arm.
"My arm!" yelled Gwen picking it up and putting it back on like it had never been removed.
"What the hell!" screamed Roy pointing at Gwen.
"I don't know and I am not going to ask this is already to fucked up for me anyway," said Ed. As Ed finished his sentence, Gwen pulled out a Uzi and started firing at the Vikings, soon all of them had dropped from the sky.
"That. . .that was a lot easer than I thought it would be," said Krit.
"What are you talking about you didn't do anything I did all of the work and," all of a sudden Gwen saw a bird in the sky coming toward them. This cause Gwen to freak seeing as she is terrified of things that can fly, "DIE SHIT HAWK!" screamed Gwen shooting at the bird. The hawk hit the ground in front of Krit, and left a small crater.
"FUCK! That was one of my messengers!"
"Ummm oops."
"That breaks the treaty, are you TRYING to cause another war?" Gwen then picked a hatchet and beheaded the bird.
"There now tell them the Vikings did it," said Gwen
"Whatever," said Krit seeing what the message was, "Well good news we have reclaimed are land from the evil ones."
"Dose this mean you can send us back now?" asked Al.
"I guess we could," said Krit opening up another portal, and started pushing everyone through it. After they had gotten through it portal they prepared for there goodbyes.
"Get the fuck away from me! You have permanently deformed me and Roy, and you have cause me permanent mental trauma!" yelled Ed.
"Well I thank you for fixing us and turning Roy into a kitty but I hope you don't come back any time soon," said Al still hugging Roy.
"I hate you, I hate you and I hope you die," said Roy still being crushed by Al.
"Been there done that, and happy to be of service!" said Krit happily.
"Hey Krit can I have the remote for a bit?"
"No."
"Come on it can't be that hard to control," said Gwen grabbing one end of the remote. This caused a Tug-a-War match.
"LET GO ITS MINE!" screamed Krit, still pulling on it.
"LIKE YOU EVEN NEED THIS THING!" Gwen yelled back.
Sparks started to come off of the remote and all of a sudden just a mole and a fox were fighting over the remote. Then there were some cracking noises; followed by a shower of sparkly lights. A black vortex opened under the two and they were sucked in.
"What the fuck was that?" asked Ed.
"Don't know don't care there gone," said Al.
"I hope there dead." Stated Ed.
A/N: Sorry this took so long I was very busy the last couple of days. Bull shit you've been dancing the last couple of days. I have not, and what do you know you stupid monkey statue. I am a statue so I'm not really stupid ware you are the one TALKING to me. I really hate you. ANYWAY, hope you liked it please look for are next story named after a food item!