Hi! Long time no see. I absolutely LOVE Atlantis and I LOOOOOVE McShep, but I never really get a chance to write hetero because all my favourite pairings are M/M, so I decided to step outside of the norm and make one of my boys a girl, just for this story. I did toy with the idea of writing about the boys with different partners, but I just can't do it, they have to be together. I also wanted to address the concept of platonic relationships and how you can love someone but not feel attracted to them and how hard that must be for some people. If you like this story please let me know, I have another couple I'm writing at the same time so I'd love to hear which is your favourite.

Not so Platonic Love

Being in love with your best friend was never easy.

There were all the usual problems of not wanting to ruin the friendship, watching them date other people and trying not to lose your shit every time they spoke about them and, of course having to deal with being in their personal space without hyperventilating.

When you and your best friend were both men, that presented a very different problem.

John would never be able to describe how he felt about Rodney if anyone asked. He was in love with him, utterly and completely, in that crazy, forever type of love that Disney movies liked to sing about and John had always thought was nothing more than a fairy tale. He would have given anything to be able to be with him, but there was one big problem.

John was straight and so was Rodney.

So, while John was in love with his best friend, he was not in any way attracted to him and that made all of this very difficult.

How could you be in love with someone without being attracted to them you may ask? Well, fucked if John knew. He'd heard of people in plutonic relationships, but he'd never been able to understand how that was possible until now. He loved being with Rodney, loved spending time with him, loved everything about him, but as much as he'd tried to feel even the slightest attraction to him, it just wouldn't happen.

It wasn't for lack of trying either. He'd watched the man while he was changing, in the locker room after missions, or off world, when there was no one else around of course. He also tried thinking about him when he was alone and taking care of his needs … but there was nothing. If was frustrating and painful and he knew he should really pull back from their friendship to spare himself any further pain, but he couldn't, because being around Rodney, whatever they were doing, felt so incredible, like flying, and John was addicted to the way it made him feel.

He'd struggled through watching Rodney date Katie Brown and then struggled more when he was pursuing Jennifer, but he'd never try to steer Rodney clear of relationships that could fulfill him the way he deserved, he was far too good of a friend to do that. It was hard, but he had been living with it for years without anyone knowing about it and he dealt with it any way he could. It wasn't a great way to live, but it was his life and he'd accepted it.

So, when he came back from a visiting the Athosians with Teyla one day and was called into the infirmary to see Rodney had been turned into a woman … it was a complete mind fuck.

And it wasn't just that Rodney had been turned into a woman, he was a breathtakingly beautiful woman. His high cheek bones, fair skin, dark brown hair, subtly curving figure and brilliant blue eyes on a woman were an incredible combination and he … well she, had a soft, lilting voice that did very bad things to John's gut. She was absolutely perfect, she was everything John could have wanted in a woman and any lack of attraction John had felt to Rodney in male form had been turned completely on its head.

He was in the room with her when she woke up and he managed to stay there until she was calm enough for Carson to talk her through what had happened and explain that it was a complete transformation; Rodney was a completely intact woman, with every female body part a woman should possess. John then managed to help her calm down from that and then handed her off to Teyla and Jennifer to help her to the bathroom and start explaining all the female things Rodney needed to know.

Then John fled.

When he got back to his room he had spent the better part of an entire afternoon trying to calm his mind and body down, squashing the urge to run back into the infirmary and beg Rodney to be his. His mind whirled with all the possibilities, all the things they could do and be now that they were different sexes. His heart wanted all of it so badly that it frightened him, but at the same time his mind threw up every wall it could to keep John from doing something both he and Rodney would regret.

All of this was new to Rodney, he was bound to be messed up, and the last thing he needed was John making things even more confusing for him. There was also the possibility that even though Rodney was now a woman, didn't mean she was a straight woman. Her body had changed, but it didn't mean her preferences had and even if they had there was no guarantee she'd think of John as anything other than a friend. And of course, there was the fact that she was officially in a relationship with Jennifer.

Rodney, or M as she asked everyone to call her now since even as a woman she hated Meredith, spent the next several weeks away from everyone and everything, taking the time to get used to her new body while a science team worked to see if they could get the machine that had turned her into a woman to turn her back. John checked on their progress daily and checked in with M once a day to see how she was going -doing his best to ignore how happy she looked to see him whenever he visited because surely he was making it up in his own head- only for a few minutes, because that was all the time he could manage in her presence without feeling like he was going to make an idiot of himself.

At the end of two weeks, she told him she was planning on going back to work on Monday and John knew he was going to have to get himself back under control before then. He noticed she looked a little sad and when he asked why she mentioned that she and Jennifer had broken up.

John's heart sang and sank at the same time. If they'd broken up it meant M was single, but it also meant M had lost Jennifer and John was sure that would be upsetting for her; he never wanted to see her upset. He tried to be a supportive friend and asked what had happened, wondering whether it was Jennifer's choice or M's. She told him it was both of them, but mostly Jennifer; Jennifer wasn't gay just like John wasn't and she didn't feel any attraction to M anymore.

Hearing that made John's stomach feel like it was full of lead. Imagine telling M now that John had been in love with her forever but hadn't said anything because of lack of attraction; it would surely sound like a horrible joke. So he'd been sympathetic, said he was sorry, and left the room to be alone and try to get himself back under control over the weekend; he even tried meditating with Teyla.

It didn't work.

He joined the rest of the team when they escorted M out of her room and to the mess hall on her first day back at work, doing his best, like Ronan and Teyla, to help deflect all the stares she was getting. He could tell she was feeling really self-conscious, but she appreciated their support. Throughout her day either Ronan or Teyla stayed with her, helping her feel less alone and John was sure she appreciated it. John had marines to train so he couldn't be there, but that was probably for the best, he didn't think being alone with M was a great idea.

With her return to active duty they also had their first mission off world together -which thankfully wasn't an overnight mission because if he couldn't handle being alone with M at normal times, being alone with her in a tent would surely be impossible- and that meant spending a lot of time together, particularly as it was mostly a Teyla trading mission. John did his best to make sure Ronan was between them as much as possible, not engaging with M unless he absolutely had to, but he was incredibly aware of everything she did and because of that he started to notice something that surprised him.

M and Ronan were actually getting along really well. He'd barely seen them interact before and certainly not like this, they were talking and laughing together and … if John wasn't mistaken, they seemed to really like each other. Well damn, John hadn't even considered that eventuality and he should have. M was incredibly beautiful and becoming a woman had actually improved her patience and her social skills. John wasn't actually sure why or what had changed, but she was nowhere near as mean to people now and had a lot more time for people like Ronan who she usually had no patience for because they didn't understand anything she said.

So, what had changed between her and Ronan? The only thing John could put it down to was that she was a woman now and would therefore be attracted to men, so perhaps this was her flirting? The prospect excited him and filled him crushed him all at once. If she liked men, it gave John a chance to be with her, but at the same time, if she liked Ronan … well, how could John possibly compete with the Satedan? Not only was he like a brother to John and John would never want to tread on his toes, particularly when he'd already lost Jennifer to Rodney just a few months ago, but the man was practically Hercules, there was no way John was going to stack up next to him.

God, it was so messed up.

When the mission was over, he debriefed then headed back to his room without a word to anyone. He avoided his team as much as he could over the next week or so, not wanting to watch Ronan and M get closer. They noticed, of course they did, but if they asked me blamed being busy with marines, or paper work, or anything he could think of to explain without telling the truth.

He was almost ready to get back to reality, almost felt like he could manage to control his feelings, when there was a knock on the door late one night and he thought it open to find M standing in the doorway, looking at him worriedly.

"Hi," she greeted hesitantly. "Can I talk to you?"

XX

Never in Rodney's wildest dreams did he ever imagine this would happen to him.

He'd been looking over a new lab his people had discovered, puzzling over what it could be. All it had taken was someone to press a button they shouldn't have, and to this day no one would tell him who that was, to turn the thing on and turn Rodney's life completely upside down in just a few seconds.

And of course, it had only been him standing in the circle.

When he'd woken up, he'd known straight away that something was different, he felt different. Rather than feeling a little freaked out and really flustered and angry, he felt utterly terrified and tearful. He opened his eyes to find his team, Carson and Jennifer standing around him, looking at him with worried eyes.

"What happened?" he asked, then all but shrieked at how different his voice sounded. "Oh my god! What's happening to me? What's going on? Ah!" he'd thrown his hands over his mouth and realised immediately that they felt different. A quick glance down had revealed exactly what was different, they were smaller, dainty and when he pulled them away and looked further down, he spotted two prominent lumps on his chest that definitely shouldn't be there.

John had been really good at helping him calm down, and as soon as he was a little calmer, Carson explained that he was a woman now, a completely functional woman, and that had led to another meltdown, that once more John had helped him through. He'd been so grateful to all of them for being there, but especially John, particularly as he knew it couldn't be easy for the other man to have his best friend suddenly become a woman.

Teyla and Jennifer had eventually helped Rodney into the bathroom to take care of personal necessities and to help him through the meltdown he had upon sighting his new body. He'd been as calm as he could be -well, she was as calm as she could be, that was an odd thing to think- when they came back out, but she'd really wanted to see John and she'd been upset when she'd come out and he wasn't there anymore.

They'd moved her back to her quarters late that night when most of the city was sleeping, which she was grateful for since there was no one around to stare at her. Jennifer had stayed the night with her, holding her tightly, but she didn't have the heart to tell the other woman that she would have preferred John be with her.

She was still attracted to Jennifer, she wouldn't deny that, but she didn't feel the same as she had when she was a man and she could tell Jennifer was struggling with the same thing. She stayed with Rodney -or M as she asked to be called now that she wasn't a man anymore and hated her given name even if it worked far better than it used to- as much as she could over the next several days, doing her best to support her through it, but M knew she was doing it out of friendship and obligation, not out of love. It hurt a little, but not as much as it would have if Rodney had still been a man and still completely in love with her like she had been.

The highlight of her days had been John, Teyla and Ronan visiting. It was funny, but being a woman felt different than being a man. She wasn't as short tempered or frustrated anymore and she really appreciated the time they were taking to help her through everything. John's visits were only short, which made her sad, but she knew he was busy. Teyla and Ronan were around a lot more and she found that with her being less prickly with them, Ronan in particular had started really warming up to her. She wasn't in the least surprised to feel an attraction to Ronan, he was after all a handsome man, and she had a feeling he felt the same slight attraction to her, but that was as far as it went for both of them. They were friends, family even and that's the way it would stay. She definitely enjoyed his company though and she appreciated his strength from a womanly perspective.

She missed John though.

John had been with her since they came to Atlantis, he always found time to sneak into the lab and keep her company. Even when Rodney was dating someone on Atlantis he spent more time with John than anyone else; John felt like a part of her. She's always thought he felt the same way about her, otherwise she really couldn't understand why the colonel spent so much time with her. He was her best friend and she missed him so much it hurt.

He was the main reason she'd decided to go back out into the world, even though she really didn't feel ready. She was hoping with her going back to work they'd be able to see more of each other. He'd been there the Friday before after Jennifer had finally told her officially that she couldn't be in their relationship anymore. He'd been sympathetic and kind and seemed happy to hear M was coming back out to join them, he was with the others when M left her room and helped shield her from the prying eyes of the other staff. He'd been busy the rest of the day but she'd understood, he had a lot to do and she didn't hold it against him; but then he hadn't been at dinner that night either.

She'd thought it was just because he was busy, but then they went on a mission the next day and he barely spoke to her, keeping Ronan between them at all times. When he disappeared afterwards the entire team was worried and M had given John a week to get back to normal before deciding she had to go and talk to him about what was going on. She missed him so terribly and she needed him back. She would never have been able to admit that to herself when she was a man, but she couldn't ignore it now.

She finished dinner, which he once more wasn't at, and went down to his room to talk to him. She knocked on the door and when he called for her to come in the door opened and she looked at him, taking in how tired and worn he looked, and squashed down her nerves to say, "Hi, can I talk to you?"

He looked surprised to see her and she saw him tense which worried her. What was going on with him? Had she done something to upset him? She walked through the door and thought it shut behind her, asking the question because she couldn't think of anything else to say, "Have I done something wrong?"

"No," he replied immediately. "Why would you think that?"

"Because you've been avoiding me," she explained. "I really can't come up with any other reason why, and believe me, I've thought about it, far too much."

"It's nothing you've done," John replied, looking down.

"Then what is it? The different body thing? Is it hard for you to talk to me now because I seem like … I don't know, a different person? Because I'm still me, granted a bit friendlier and more patient, but I would have thought they'd be good changes not bad ones," she asked, grasping at straws to come up with some reason that would make sense.

John shook his head, "It's not you … not at all," he replied, sounding like he was really struggling. "Look I just need some time, okay, time to … adjust to everything. It's not your fault, not in any way, my issue is … my problem."

"Oh, I see," She replied, thinking about all the times she'd heard the 'it's not you it's me' excuse. It was never true and it was hard to believe that it could be true now. "John, I really don't understand what I've done," she said, feeling her eyes tear.

"I told you it's not you," John said quietly.

"It's not you it's me, right? I've heard that excuse plenty of times, John and it's never true. People just say that because they don't want to tell you how … how much they don't like you or why." She wiped the tears off her face as they fell and crossed her arms over her body. "Look I know I'm … difficult-"

"M-"

"But that never seemed to deter you before, and and and I … I've probably never said how much your friendship means to me and I'm sorry. But it does, it means a lot … you do and … I need you." She looked up at John to see a pained look on his face. "I've always been terrible with people, but you make me … better … more human and … without you I … I'm just not … me. Not the person I want to be. I need you, John, please, just tell me what I've done wrong and I'll fix it."

"M … Rodney, it's nothing you've done wrong," John said, looking down at his hands which were balled into fists in his lap. "I just need a bit of time … okay, just … just give me some space for a while and everything will go back to normal. I just need some time."

M bit back a sob and looked down, squeezing her eyes shut, to try and push back the tears.

"M …" John started to say, but M shook her head, thinking the door open and leaving the room, not able to stand being there anymore.

It hurt to lose John, to know the man didn't want to be friends with her anymore and even more not to know why. She walked quickly to her room, glad she didn't run into anyone else on the way, and crawled straight into her bed, thinking the door locked. She buried herself in the covers and sobbed into her pillow, begging in her mind for John to be her friend again. She really didn't know who she'd become without him. She'd always been so bad with people, but John's friendship had made her better and she knew it, she'd been learning to trust someone, really trust someone, for the first time in her life. Now he was gone and she could only hope he'd forgive her soon and come back.

XX

The next few weeks were hell for M, John continued to avoid her and she never seemed to catch him around the place, even at meal times. Their next off world mission had been scheduled for a few days after their conversation and John even had someone else assigned to take her place, sighting that it was only a trade mission on a planet they'd already explored and there was nothing of interest to her there, so her time could be better spent back in the lab. That had been bad enough, but then he kept doing it. She tried to talk to him about it, but she could never find him and the hole that had been ripped in her heart that night she'd tried to talk to him just grew wider and wider, it felt like it as starting to suffocate her.

Finally, she couldn't take it anymore. Trying to adjust to a new body with different emotional reactions and … other woman things that she'd of course never had to deal with, was bad enough, but now, with this added on to it, she just couldn't take it anymore. She spent every moment she was awake on the verge of tears and she barely got more than a few hours of fitful sleep at night. She couldn't go on like this and she knew it, so she did the only thing she could.

Elizabeth was typing something into her computer when she knocked on the wall of her office and when the woman looked up, she smiled briefly before obviously seeing the forlorn look on her face.

"M, is something wrong?" she asked.

M walked into the office and handed Elizabeth an envelope.

XX

John was not in a good mood, which wasn't at all a surprise lately, but this morning he felt even worse than usual. He had a feeling of dread in his gut that he just couldn't push aside and he'd barely wolfed down breakfast, that was sitting terribly in his stomach, when he received a call from Elizabeth to come up to her office.

He met Teyla and Ronan on their way up as well and they both greeted him warmly, seemingly pleased to see him. He gave them the best smile he could muster in return, pleased to see them as well of course, but at the same time feeling jealous of Ronan and whatever he had going with M. He wasn't actively listening to their conversation, mostly lost in his own world of pain like he had been for the past several weeks, but something Teyla said caught his attention.

"How did it go asking Jennifer out last night? Did she like the flowers you found for her on the mainland?"

"Yeah, she did, and it went great, she said she finally feels like she's ready to date someone else" Ronan replied happily and John stopped walking to look at his friend curiously.

"You're dating Jennifer?" he asked, knowing he sounded accusatory.

"Yeah," Ronan replied with a raised eyebrow, obviously surprised by John's tone. "Something wrong with that?"

"No, I'm just surprised, I guess I've missed a lot lately," he covered up for his slip and kept walking. "Good for you, I know how much you like her," he added wanting to sound supportive of his friend. His mind was whirling, thinking about M. If she wasn't with Ronan then that meant that perhaps she was still available and maybe John might have a chance with her after all. He smiled his first genuine smile in months and clapped Ronan on the shoulder. "I'm really happy for you, buddy."

"Uh … thanks," Ronan replied, looking properly flabbergasted by John's behaviour.

"John you have been behaving most strangely recently, is there something you would like to talk about?" Teyla asked gently.

"Oh … no it's nothing. Sorry, I haven't meant to be distant, just … a lot on my mind. I'm fine though, I'm doing better now," he replied, hoping to ease their worry.

"Very well, but we are here to listen if you need someone to talk to," she offered and John smiled at her warmly.

"Thanks, Teyla, I'm sorry I worried you," he replied as they walked into the gate room and headed up the stairs to Elizabeth's office. It seemed that the entire team had been summoned so John was surprised not to see M anywhere around. Figuring maybe she was still coming, he and the others walked into the office doorway and knocked on the glass. "You wanted to see us, Elizabeth?" he asked, hoping it wouldn't take long to get through what she wanted to say.

"Please have a seat all of you," Elizabeth said and John finally noticed that she looked worried.

"Is something the matter, Dr Weir?" Teyla asked, none of them sitting down, clearly feeling as on edge about whatever she was going to say as he was.

Elizabeth sighed and linked her hands together in front of her. "I called all of you here to let you know that you're going to have to choose a new member for your team," she explained, and John looked at her puzzled.

"Are we going to 5 person teams?" He asked

"Should we not wait to discuss this until M arrives," Teyla suggested.

Sadness filled Elizabeth's eyes as she looked down at her hands. "No, you aren't going to five person teams and no there's no need to wait for M." she closed her eyes for a moment and John knew whatever she was about to say was going to be bad news. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to come straight out with it. M is no longer a part of this expedition, she has resigned."

John couldn't believe what he was hearing. "What? Surely that can't be true, M would never leave Atlantis."

"I didn't expect it either, but she handed in her resignation a week ago and has spent all her time here since leaving notes for Zalenka to follow so none of the current projects fall behind," Elizabeth explained.

"Did she tell you why she chose to resign?" Teyla asked, sounding surprised and upset.

"She told me her reasons, yes, and I could understand them perfectly. I tried to convince her to stay and told her I would help her handle the current situation, but she declined and there was nothing else I could do to stop her," Elizabeth replied.

"Why wasn't I told about this? She's a member of my team," John demanded, angry that he hadn't been informed. It had been a week after all, Elizabeth had had plenty of time to tell him.

Elizabeth looked over at him with a mixture of anger and disbelief, "Of all the people in this room, Colonel, I would have thought this would surprise you the least."

"What is that supposed to mean?" John demanded.

"When was the last time M went off world with your team?" Elizabeth demanded. "She returned to active duty 6 weeks ago and every mission you have had since then you have barred her from going. When she handed me her resignation, she told me there was no point staying on Atlantis if she couldn't do her job, and I couldn't understand what she meant until I went back over the logs from your last several missions and found she has only been on one since her change. Care to explain that to me, Colonel?"

John was floundering mentally. Now that Elizabeth had said it, he realised she was right, it had been 6 long weeks and he'd found reasons for M not to come on every mission. At the time he'd told himself that it was for the best, for both of them, but now he realised he'd been abusing his power as chief military officer and he could understand completely why M would be upset by that.

"I just figured with the change and everything, adapting to a new body and all, that she'd want a bit of time back in the city," he tried to explain, but the Elizabeth's face told him she didn't buy it for a moment.

"If that was the case you should have discussed it with her, but I know it's not, John." She shook her head. "You have always been a good chief military officer, I even recommended you to the management at the SGC for your promotion, but this … whatever this is, was an abuse of your power and it's cost us our chief science officer as well as an invaluable member of your team."

"All right, I understand and I'm sorry," John said, trying to soothe her. He had to fix this and he knew it, he had to talk to M. "I obviously did the wrong thing; I'll go and see M and talk to her about this."

"You can't, John, she went back to Earth last night," Those words made John's heart stop and his stomach fill with dread. "What? Where did she go?" he asked.

"I don't know, John, she chose not to share that information with me," Elizabeth replied angrily.

John sank down into the chair that he'd refused when Elizabeth had first offered. If M had gone back to Earth last night she could be anywhere by now, how was John going to find her? He had to find her, he had to make this right, but how?

"She didn't leave any forwarding information at all?" he asked, grasping at straws.

"No, none" Elizabeth repeated and John felt like his heart was breaking in his chest. He'd lost her, the person he loved more than anything in the universe and she was gone.

And it was all his fault.

He must have looked as desolate as he felt because Elizabeth's voice was softer when she asked. "Are you all right, John?"

No, he wasn't all right, of course he wasn't all right, how could she expect him to be? "No," he said simply, standing up from the chair and leaving the room as quickly as he could. He moved through the corridors to M's room and opened the door, taking in the emptiness of the space in front of him.

He'd done this, it was his fault and he had no idea how to fix it.

He walked into the room, thinking the door shut and locked behind him. There were far too may feelings going through him at that moment, it felt like he wanted to cry and scream and vomit all at the same time. He dropped down onto the bed and picked up her pillow, wrapping his arms around it and burying his face in the soft cover. It smelled like a combination of Rodney and M which only made him feel worse. He sat there for a few moments breathing in the opposite scents of the person who'd meant more to him than he would ever be able to describe.

Then he broke down, sobbing into the pillow and feeling like the world was falling down around him.

XX

Okay, what do we think so far? Should I bring M back to Atlantis or end it here? I'm also considering writing a completely different version of this where Sheppard reacts to Rodney's chance completely differently, do let me know if you'd like to read that one. Take care :)