Hello, I'm back with another update, This chapter was going to be longer, but it was getting really long so I decided to cut it in half. I hope you like it.
6 Months later.
It was a typical day on Atlantis for Teyla, at least these days it was. She went out with Ronon to see her people in the morning, then returned to the city and went through some training with Ronon and a few of the marines. After that she'd had a shower and now she and Ronon were sitting down to lunch in the cafeteria.
Normally John would have been with them too, not that he really said much these days so his absence wasn't overly obvious, but he was off with one of the other SG teams, on a planet without a stargate that required creative navigating through an asteroid field to reach. None of the other expedition members had the flying expertise John did so he'd taken the pilots seat for this particular mission.
Ronon and Teyla would have normally wanted to go with him, but he'd taken a new group of marines with him that he planned to run a training exercise with, so they had stayed behind without a fuss and gone to New Athos instead. It had been good to see her people doing well on their new home world, it brought her a great deal of joy, which was something she sorely needed these days.
M had been gone for 6 months now and nothing had been the same without her. John had turned into a completely different person in her absence, quiet, closed off and sullen. He wasn't cruel to Teyla or Ronon, but he barely spoke to them anymore. When he wasn't off world on a mission or doing the other tasks being head military officer required of him, he was in the gym working out or running around the city; Teyla wasn't sure he even slept anymore. She'd tried to talk to him, Ronon had too even though words really weren't his thing, but John hadn't wanted to engage. He'd been polite, but he'd told them in no uncertain terms to leave it alone, so eventually they had.
She missed him though, missed the days where he was his, laidback, friendly self. Both she and Ronon had been upset at him about M leaving, particularly when he refused to say why he'd basically cut her out of the team, but they'd softened towards him when they realised how much the scientist's absence was wearing on him. Teyla missed M too and Rodney just as much, the scientist had always been abrasive, and downright insulting at times, but Teyla had grown to love and appreciate him all the same and those feelings had only grown stronger with time. When he'd become M it had been a big change for all of them, but Teyla had felt a stronger connection to M, probably because she wasn't trying to constantly push them all away like Rodney had.
Teyla missed her, the entire city missed her, and they wanted her to come back, but no one knew where to find her. Teyla could only hope that someday, somehow, M would come back to them on her own.
"Hi, guys," Teyla was startled out of her reverie by a quiet voice behind her. She and Ronon turned to look at each other then back to look at the woman standing behind them, smiling nervously.
"M!" Teyla exclaimed, feeling her heart lighten for the first time in months. She leapt up from the chair and pulled the woman into a very enthusiastic Athosian greeting as Ronon climbed to his feet and wrapped his arms around both of them, hugging them tightly to his chest. "It is amazing to see you again!" Teyla gushed and M wrapped her arms around them both in return.
"It's so good to see you guys too," M replied brightly. "I've missed you both so much."
They pulled back from each other and Teyla felt herself smiling happily for the first time in months. "We didn't know you were coming back."
"Well, I'm not officially," M replied and Teyla felt her heart sink. "I'm here with the representatives from the pentagon."
Of course, Elizabeth had been talking about the people coming from the pentagon to see Atlantis.
"They want me to show them around, because apparently tour guide is now a part of my job description," M said rolling her eyes. "I didn't put up much of a fight though because I wanted to come and see you guys, I have some things I've been working on in my spare time, and I've had far too much of it, that I've brought with me to show you; I think they'll be able to help you out in the field. The pentagon gurus want a jumper flight after their tour so Elizabeth's organising for Lorne to take them out; while he's doing that I'll come and find you guys and show you."
"Dr McKay, are you ready?" An unfamiliar person in a suit called from the door and M called back that she was coming, before turning back to face Teyla and Ronon.
"I've got to go, but I'll find you guys as soon as I'm done, okay."
"Okay," Ronon agreed with a smile.
"We will see you soon, M," Teyla agreed with a warm smile for her friend and the woman moved over to join the other person at the door. Teyla watched her go before turning to look at Ronon.
"We have to make sure she doesn't leave again," Ronon said.
"Yes, I had the same thought; however I am unsure of how we could achieve this," Teyla replied.
"We have to make sure she stays until Sheppard gets back. Didn't he say he was coming back in a couple of days?" Ronon asked.
"I believe they are supposed to be, yes," Teyla agreed.
"All right, so we just need to get her to stay until he comes back," Ronon said thoughtfully.
"Or find a way to get John to come back sooner," Teyla replied, thinking about what they could do. "Perhaps we could persuade Elizabeth to call John back sooner."
"It's worth a shot," Ronon agreed, and they left the mess hall together.
XX
John flew the jumper back through the asteroid field, ignoring the marines talking around him. Their mission, which was supposed to last several days, had barely lasted 5 hours because the planet they were going to had a wraith ship parked in orbit when they arrived. Thankfully they managed to cloak the jumper and get out of there before the ship detected them and they were on their way home again.
In a way John was happy that the mission hadn't gone ahead, being stuck on a planet in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of new marines wasn't his idea of a good time. At the same time though it had been a change from the norm and that was something to almost enjoy.
Almost enjoy, because there was nothing John really enjoyed anymore. Since M had left John's enjoyment of things had been non-existent. He tried to find joy in something, anything, but even flying wasn't all that fun anymore; even when John did crazy, dangerous things that Elizabeth yelled at him for later.
He still did his job on Atlantis, he wasn't going to let his people down, but he didn't enjoy it like he used to.
He sighed as thoughts of just how badly he'd screwed things up with M entered his mind. His desolation and lack of enjoyment were his own doing and he had no one to blame but himself. In a lot of ways that made things harder because he had nowhere to channel that anger except into himself; and he had. He punished himself every day, pushing his body harder and harder in the gym, making his muscles hurt and scream at him. He was in the best shape of his life, he had even more muscles than he usually had, but he didn't take any joy in how good he looked, he just hated himself more.
As soon as they cleared the asteroid belt, which John could do in his sleep, he sent out a message to Atlantis to let them know what had happened and that they were only a few hours out. They acknowledged his message and said they'd inform Elizabeth. With that done John pulled out his iPod and headphones and disappeared into some Johnny Cash for a while. He didn't even really enjoy that anymore, but it was better than listening to gossiping marines.
XX
When the call came through that John was going to be back in a few short hours Teyla and Ronon had been in Elizabeth's office asking whether there was any chance of contacting John and asking him to return early. When the information about John's communique reached Elizabeth, she smiled at them both and said, "Looks like there will be no need. Do you think if John spoke to M it would change anything?"
"Yes, I believe it would," Teyla replied. "I am sure you have noticed John's decline in happiness since M left. I believe he would do almost anything to convince her to come back to Atlantis."
"Did he ever speak to either of you about what happened between them?" Elizabeth asked. "Not that it's my business of course, but if it's something that's going to affect their working relationship moving forward, it may be important that I know."
Teyla shook her head, "I'm afraid not. We have asked, but John will not speak about it, and of course we cannot force him."
Elizabeth nodded. "All right. He'll be back in a few hours and the representatives from the pentagon weren't planning to leave until tomorrow; M will still be here when he gets back. I guess all we can do is try and get them to talk and hope for the best. Atlantis really needs M back."
"Yes, we do," Teyla agreed and she and Ronon headed out of the office, asking to be notified when the jumper got back. They were barely down the stairs when M came into the room and asked them and Elizabeth to come into the lab so she could show them what she'd invented. They all followed her down to the lab, knowing they probably wouldn't understand a word she said, but if nothing else it was a good way to keep M from finding out that John wasn't far from getting back, and they had to admit they were curious.
When they reached the lab she had a lot of things set up, including wraith technology. Zalenka was there as well as a lot of the other scientists and a couple of the military staff who were new to Atlantis and seemed to have just followed M and the scientists here. Teyla had to wonder if they'd only come because M was an attractive woman.
"All right, thanks for coming down. I have invented a couple of new devices I think will be really helpful for off world teams, as well as Atlantis itself. I need a volunteer," she began, looking around the room for anyone who wanted to step up. One of the marines came forward with a grin and Teyla rolled her eyes at Ronon. "All right, thank you. I need you to stand here," M directed and the man moved over to stand where she told him to. M then passed the man a small metal device that she asked him to attach to his dog tags and he did that easily.
"Okay, now, just stay still, and don't freak out," M directed, moving over to the computer she had set up on a nearby desk. She punched in a few commands and the wraith tech whirred to life. "Okay, here we go," she said and suddenly the wraith device shot out a beam that would usually take a person up into a dart, only nothing happened to the marine. M deactivated the device and everyone turned to look at her in shock. "These," she said, holding up one of the devices, "emit a scrambling frequency that stops a dart's transport beam from being able to get a lock on your bio signature," she explained and everyone in the room looked on in wonder. "They're small, easy to produce and have a 12 hour battery life when fully charged. They can be turned off to conserve the battery life, then on when there's any sign of wraith around. Otherwise, if the mission is only a short one, they can be turned on and left running until the team returns."
"McKay, this is amazing! Can I?" Zalenka asked, moving over to take the device from M's hand which she easily handed over. While he was studying it, M thanked the marine and took back the device she'd given him. "Don't worry, there's plenty," she said when the other scientists had gathered around Zalenka to get a look. She opened a large metal case that was sitting on the floor beside her chair and put it up on the table for everyone to look at. "But, there's also a couple of other things, and I think these will be of interest to you, Teyla."
Teyla looked over at M curiously and the scientist held up a metal device about the size of a naqueda generator. "This is basically the same thing, only it works on a larger scale. Rather than just protecting one person like these do, it will cover an entire village."
Teyla studied the device in amazement. Could something so small really keep the wraith from being able to beam people up from a whole village?
"Once turned on, it will run for 5 hours on a cloudy day on its usual battery or up to 12 hours on a sunny day. It runs on a small, rechargeable battery that charges with solar panels and has a backup naqueda power source that will keep it going for another 7 hours if a siege goes on for that long. It comes apart into 4 pieces, so off world teams would be able to carry one piece each in their packs, but it isn't overly heavy, so, if necessary, it could be carried by one person. I have made enough for each SG team to be able to take one when they go off world."
She pulled up one last metal case and opened it up to reveal a device around the same size. "And lastly there is this. It is a portable shield generator for the stargate."
She pulled it out for everyone to see and set it on the desk. "It runs on the same type of power source and will last several hours during a siege. Obviously we can't stop the wraith from dialling the gate, but we can stop them coming through. This needs to be positioned behind the gate, I have designed it this way so whoever is activating it can be as much out of harms way as possible. Once it's activated it creates a bubble of energy that wraps around the gate and pulls tight against the event horizon, exactly like the shield we have on Atlantis. It once more comes apart into pieces and doesn't weigh much, so it'll be easy to carry and can always be set up behind the gate with someone monitoring it while teams are off world, or activated as soon as you arrive if you feel a wraith attack is imminent and you don't intend to be on the planet for long."
"These are incredible!" Elizabeth said, looking at M in amazement. "What a wonderful thing to have created, M."
"I thought you'd like them," M said with a smile. "There's one to leave in Atlantis as well for if the power goes out and you can't use the usual shield. And." She pulled two metal briefcases out from under the desk and turned to smile at Teyla. "These are for new Athos." She opened them and inside was one of each of the larger devices and several of the smaller ones. "It's not a complete shield of course, I'm still working on that, but it will help protect them from a cull. I know it's not perfect, but-"
"It is wonderful, M, my people will be beyond grateful!" she said, giving M her usual Athosian thank you; so grateful to have met someone so had to get her to stay on Atlantis, she couldn't leave again.
"You're welcome, Teyla. Let me show you how everything works," M said with a warm smile, picking up the first device.
After going through everything thoroughly with Teyla and the rest of the people gathered in the room, to make sure they understood how the devices worked, M and the others headed to the mess hall to talk for a while.
"You must come back to Atlantis, M," Teyla beseeched when they were all settled. "We all miss you and this galaxy needs you."
M smiled at her warmly. "I miss you guys too and I'd love to come back, but …" she trailed off and sighed. "I can't be here seeing John every day and not have him even speak to me. Before all of this … sure, I would have just pushed it aside and done my job like I always do when things in my life go to hell, but now … I feel things so much deeper and it's a lot harder to push my feelings aside than it used to be. I'm not as closed off anymore, which I suppose is a good thing ultimately, it makes me more empathetic towards others and I'm less of a jerk, but it also makes me more vulnerable and … things hurt more."
"Did anyone ever work out why that is, M?" Elizabeth asked. "You went through such a drastic personality change after the ancient device changed your body."
"Oh, yes, I forgot I didn't tell you Carson and I did eventually come up with a theory, the day before I left actually. The ancients don't do things by halves. The machine didn't just wire me to think like a woman it wired me to think like an ancient, as much as I can being that I still have a human brain. Ancients were a lot about … community and togetherness and harmony. Obviously not all of them I mean Janos existed, but even he did the things he did to better everyone else, he just did it in ways the other ancients didn't necessarily like. You know I'm not much of one for the soft sciences, but … that's all I can explain it as. I'm still me, just … it's my inbuilt instinct to reach out rather than push away, I guess you could say."
"Wow, I guess that explains things a little," Elizabeth said thoughtfully.
M nodded, "It has its benefits and drawbacks," she said. "I'm really nice to the people who matter to me, sickeningly sometimes, and hideously protective. Like those devices I made. I didn't make them for my benefit, I'm not even likely to need to use one, I made them to protect Teyla, Ronon and John, and the Athosians because they're Teyla's people. I wouldn't have even thought about it in my other body unless it was also to save myself, that was just who I was. So, that's a benefit. The drawback is, like I said before, when something hurts me, I can't deal with it so well," she said sadly. "And John … he was my best friend. Not much could hurt me more than him not wanting to even speak to me."
"John misses you, M," Ronon said. "He hasn't been the same since you left. He's miserable all the time, doesn't smile, barely talks to anyone. He knows he did the wrong thing and I think he'd do just about anything to make it up to you."
M looked at them doubtfully. "I don't suppose you have any idea why he did it?" she asked.
"No, he will not tell us," Teyla replied. "But I believe he would tell you if you asked. I know you said you tried before, but things are different now; It's like … he's lost his soul without you."
M looked down for a moment, then asked. "When is he coming back?"
"Later today, possibly this evening," Teyla replied.
"Well … if he wants to talk to me, I'll listen," M said, looking at them all with a doubtful expression. "I won't lie, I hate the pentagon," she admitted, with a pained expression and Ronon, Elizabeth and Teyla chuckled. "And I missed you guys. I've made some great friends back on Earth and they're lovely, but you guys are my family. It was really hard dealing with the whole change and everything without you."
"Really? You seemed to be doing so well before you left. I was really surprised actually, and a little worried," Elizabeth commented.
"Well, you were right to be worried. I wasn't doing well at all, I was pushing everything aside and focusing on John and Jennifer and … everyone else rather than thinking about what was happening to me; another drawback to the ancient mental wiring. I do have to wonder whether they did that on purpose though, to try and stop the people who got turned this way from melting down; getting them to focus on everyone else instead. Maybe it worked better for the ancients than it did for me, who knows. As soon as I was back on Earth and there was no one else to focus on … I melted down hardcore. I did all sorts of things to get over it; different kinds of therapy, that helped a little, eventually I ended up in Tibet of all places meditating with the monks."
They all looked at M in surprise. "I know, right, me meditating? I never thought I'd be able to do it but I did; thank you, ancients I suppose. Oddly enough that's what eventually got me through everything. I'm sure the ancients programmed something into my brain to make it easier for me to accept though, because I'm positive I'd still be there right now if they hadn't. I mean, I have never been the best at coping with change, not when it comes to myself, but I'm honestly fine now … that's odd for me." She shrugged. "I guess the ancients didn't want their transformed women to be in therapy for years."
"Did you ever find out why the ancients made the device?" Teyla asked.
"No. After finding out that the change was permanent and there was nothing they could do to reverse it, I told the science team to stop worrying about the lab and go back to their other projects," M replied. "They weren't going to be able to help me no matter what they found out, so I sent them back to doing something useful. See, always thinking about everyone else now," she said, rolling her eyes at herself.
They all fell silent for a moment, then Elizabeth spoke. "Well, you'll be needing to stay overnight. Your room is still there, we didn't let anyone else claim it. Please consider staying on Atlantis, M, I'm sure you and John can work things out, even if Heitmeier needs to get involved. I imagine you'd rather not have to go back to therapy, but wouldn't it be worth it to be able to stay?" she asked.
M sighed, "Yeah, I suppose so," she agreed.
Just then Carson and Jennifer walked into the mess hall and M smiled brightly, getting up to greet them.
Teyla turned to look at Elizabeth and Ronon, seeing the hopeful look in their eyes that she was sure matched her own. M wanted to come back, they just had to get John to talk to her.
And by the ancestors, Teyla and Ronon would make sure he did.
XX
When John arrived back on Atlantis he headed immediately to Elizabeth's office to give her a debrief of what had happened. She smiled far too brightly at him when he knocked on her wall.
"John, it's good to see you back. I hear there were wraith orbiting the planet when you arrived," she asked.
"Unfortunately, yes," John replied. "I figured there wasn't much point sticking around in a solitary jumper, we can always reschedule the mission for another time."
"No, I agree. Well, I won't keep you long, there's no need for a long debrief since nothing of mention happened. I'll see you in the morning for our usual meeting," Elizabeth said and John eyed her warily. She was letting him go far too quickly and that was always suspicious.
"Should I be worried right now?" he asked, studying her warily.
"About what?" Elizabeth asked.
"About how quickly you're trying to get through this debriefing?" he clarified.
"Oh no, I've spent most of the day with the pentagon representatives, I'm pretty eager for an early night and as we've previously discussed, there's nothing to really debrief about." Something caught her attention behind him and she smiled in a way that disturbed John before turning back to address him again. "And right now, Ronon wants you."
"He does?" John asked, turning around to see the Satedan standing just outside the office waiting for him, with that 'Don't even think about trying to avoid me' face. He turned back to Elizabeth, feeling a little like he was being ambushed. "Why?"
"Oh, nothing you should be worried about," Elizabeth replied breezily, motioning for Ronon to come in. "He's all yours Ronon," she said as the man came into the room and grasped John's shoulders tightly. He turned John so he was facing away from Elizabeth and began pushing him along the bridge.
"Hey, hey, is anyone going to tell me what's going on here? Should I be having Beckett scan you all for goa'oulds or something?" John asked, planting his feet.
"You can walk or I can stun you and throw you over my shoulder. Either way, you're coming with me," Ronon replied.
"We're not goa'oulds, John, Ronon just needs you for something and I promised I wouldn't hold you up long. Trust me, when you get to where he's taking you, you'll understand completely," Elizabeth assured him and John looked worriedly from her to Ronon then turned around to walk along the bridge before Ronon could start pushing him again. Ronon's big hand clamped down on his shoulder and he led John through the corridors, John getting more and more nervous with every step.
"Come on, buddy, when are you going to tell me where we're going?" he asked.
"When we get there," Ronon replied gruffly and took John in the transporter down to the level of the crew quarters. As he pushed him out into the hallway John felt his nerves getting the better of him and he stopped walking and turned to look at Ronon.
"Look, I am not taking another step until you tell me where we're going," he said, in a voice that only partly betrayed his frustration. "I've just spent hours cramped in a jumper with a bunch of marines and I really want to shower and eat something. I'm not in the mood for whatever this is."
"Well, it's not up to you. There's something you need to fix and you're doing it, now!" Ronon replied gruffly. "Or do you plan on trying to fight your way past me? Because we both know how that'll end."
John sighed in frustration, knowing Ronon was right. "Just tell me how much further I'm going to have to walk?" he groaned.
In reply Ronon threw John over his shoulder and John wriggled and squirmed in his hold for a few moments, before deciding it wasn't worth it. What did he care if Ronon was waking him somewhere horrible? It wasn't going to change anything about his sad, pathetic life. When Ronon stopped walking, John looked around the corridor trying to get his bearings and he realised where they were just as the door whooshed open. This was M's room, why where they in M's old room?
"Ronon, what is going on?" John growled, his heart pounding at the very sight of the space that used to belong to the love of his life. He hadn't set foot in this room, not since that first day he'd found out she was gone. He'd cried in there for hours, then he'd taken M's pillow and left the room. He still had M's pillow on his bed, most of her scent was gone from it now, but it still smelled like Rodney and John hugged it every night, trying to find some comfort in his miserable existence.
Ronon moved over to the balcony door and put John down, turning him around before he could ask any more questions.
'Oh my god!'
He didn't say it out loud, he couldn't get his mouth to work, but he certainly thought it.
M was standing out on the balcony with Teyla, looking at him nervously. She looked absolutely breathtaking in a royal blue dress that brought out her eyes and her hair drawn up in a high ponytail, the front sitting up in that odd way he'd seen women do that he always thought looked hot.
"You shouldn't have forced him to come if he didn't want to, Ronon," M said, sounding sad.
"He didn't say he didn't want to come," Ronon replied with a shrug and as much as John wanted to remind the Satedan that he hadn't exactly given him a choice, he didn't want M to think he hadn't wanted to talk to her.
"He didn't tell me where we were going, so, I was a little resistant," he explained, glowering at the Satedan, it was far easier to speak when he was looking at him and not M. He was upset at the man for putting him in this position, but he could understand completely why he had. "I would have just come down here on my own if he had."
Ronon looked completely unrepentant. "Your track record isn't great, Sheppard," he said by way of explanation, then turned to leave the room. Teyla squeezed M's arm gently then followed him out.
The door closed behind them, and John and M were alone
XX
What did we think? The next chapter will have their conversation in it, I will post it up soon. How do you think it's going to go? I have to admit the thought of Ronon carrying John through the city over his shoulder was more than a little amusing for me. Elizabeth might have been a little OOC when John got back, but it made me giggle and sometimes people surprise you