Hey everyone I'm back. I've been writing like mad recently and trying to slow down long enough to edit and post has been hard for my poor brain. I got a lovely review the other day though and I realised I hadn't updated this one in a while, so I knuckled down and got the chapter edited.
Just do you're all aware, the Ori aren't in this universe.
Enjoy
Little Talks
M had finished giving Maugan, Carlos and Sacha a tour and was in the lab, reviewing some information about one of the current projects the science team had going, when she felt someone approaching from behind her.
"Hey," Ronon's quiet voice got her attention and she turned around to look at him.
"Hey, Ronon, something wrong?" she asked.
"No, I just wondered if I could talk to you for a second?" he asked and M agreed easily.
She called out to the others that she'd be back in a minute and followed Ronon out into one of the little alcoves in the corridor.
He looked a little nervous and that made her nervous.
"Should I be worried?" she asked as he turned around to face her.
"No, I just wanted to … be honest about something," he replied and she was pretty sure she knew what he was going to say. Going into battle didn't make Ronon nervous, but talking about feelings or relationships was very hard for the big Satedan.
"About the attraction between us?" she asked, unsurprised when he nodded.
"Yeah. Look, Sheppard told us about what he's been through the last 6 months and he mentioned being concerned about us having feelings for each other. I told him and I wanted to tell you, I am definitely attracted to you, but that's as far as it goes. You're my friend, my team mate, and I … care about you, a lot, I hated you being gone, but it's not the same way John cares about you … I don't really know what it is. I'd never do anything to ruin things between you and John though, I just wanted to make that clear," he said.
M nodded. "I appreciate that and I feel the same way. You're a good looking man, Ronon, only a blind woman wouldn't feel some physical attraction to you, and I care about you too, but it's … different, we're more than friends, but not like John and I …" she trailed off, thinking about it. "I don't honestly know what I'd call us either, family doesn't seem right, but we're more than friends … I guess it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things, it's not going to change anything between us or affect our relationships and that's all that matters. I think it is good to talk about these things though, clear the air, make sure there are no misunderstandings. Does Jennifer know?"
Ronon nodded, "She asked me about it before we started dating, whether I had feelings for you, I guess she picked up on the attraction like John did."
M nodded back, "I hope it's not something she's worried about," she asked.
"No, I've explained it to her, she understands," he replied
M smiled, "That's good, I'd hate it to be an issue for you guys."
"That was something else I wanted to talk to you about. Me and Jennifer, it doesn't bother you?" Ronon asked.
"Oh, no, not at all," M replied. "I think it's great, I know you really liked her. As much as I cared about Jennifer before, honestly, it pales in comparison to how I feel about John. Stupid really that it took me so long to realise it."
"So, you loved him all that time too?" Ronon asked.
M thought about it, "I think I did, honestly, I just never let myself stop to analyse my feelings because I was scared of what I'd find. When I finally did … the love was overwhelming," she admitted.
Ronon smiled. "I'm happy for you guys too, and I'm really glad you're back; nothing here was the same without you … Meredith."
M huffed out a laugh, "God, please don't call me that."
"Why? I get you hating it while you were a guy, but now that you're not, why don't you like it?" Ronon asked.
"Because the only time I've ever heard it said, it was either a taunt followed by a lot of laughter, or by my parents who I don't have any positive memories of," M admitted. "Jeanie calls me Mere and John's started calling me that, which I actually like when he says it. Maybe if he called me my full name for a while I might grow to like it, right now it just makes me cringe."
Ronon nodded, "I can understand that, but I like it, it's a warrior's name," he said with a grin and M couldn't help grinning back. "I'll let you get back to work, see you at lunch," he said.
"See you then," she replied and they shared one more smile before heading off in opposite directions.
XX
When lunch time came around John left his finally completed mission reports and radioed M to find out where she was. He smiled when she said she was about to come down to his office and see whether he'd finished doing battle with the evil mission reports. He told her he'd meet her in the mess hall, save her walking all the way down to his office, and she agreed.
He walked down to the mess hall with a smile on his face, laughing internally at how many of the staff looked at him in surprise as he passed them. When he got there, he spotted the group sitting together and headed over to grab some food before making his way back to the table. As he wandered through the room, he noticed Cherry sitting at a table with Kavanagh and that didn't sit well with him. What could those two possibly be talking about?
He made his way to the table and sat down in the space that had been left for him beside M, feeling warm and floaty when she looked over at him and smiled lovingly. "Hey, there you are. Did you slay the evil mission reports, Sir knight?" she asked and he chuckled.
"I did indeed, fair lady," he joked back and she laughed.
"Oh, yes, that's me all over," she replied, holding the back of her hand up to her forehead as if she was going to swoon. "Oh, someone save me … actually forget that, I'm not a princess I don't need rescuing, I'm a scientist I've got this covered," she said instead.
"That's right, girl, you do," Carlos agreed, giving M a fist bump.
John grinned, amused by their antics and trilled to bits that M was actually here. It was still such a novel concept to him; it didn't feel quite real yet.
A thought came into his head and his mind went back to thinking about Cherry and Kavanagh. Cherry had been out on the pier with them the night before when M had first arrived, which meant she'd seen them together. He didn't want to be paranoid or egocentric, but was that what they were talking about? Neither of them knew who M was, the only time the Daedalus had been around before M left for Earth she'd still been adjusting and no one from the ship had seen her. The rest of Atlantis didn't even know what had happened yet, so none of them would have told any of the crew members; the nursing staff maybe, but they shouldn't have. Were they over there pondering over who M was? She had ticked Cherry off that morning and she seemed like the kind to hold a grudge.
Of course they could just be chatting about how much they hated everyone, but when it came to Kavanagh John had learnt very early on to expect the worst.
"What's worrying your far too beautiful head?" M whispered to him.
"I saw Kavanagh and Cherry sitting at a table talking on my way over here," John replied. "Call me paranoid, but I don't think anything good can come from that."
"No, I don't think so either," M agreed. "Could you ask one of your lieutenants to discreetly watch Kavanagh as well?" she asked.
"I think I'll do exactly that," John replied, standing up from his chair and moving over to the corridor where he could make his call in peace.
He just hoped he was being paranoid about nothing.
XX
After lunch they headed down to the briefing and John as hoping that once it was over he might be able to convince M to take a jumper flight with him. They hadn't really had any time alone to talk since she got back and he really wanted some.
That was provided this briefing didn't take too long of course, goodness knew those things felt like they went on forever sometimes.
When he and M arrived in the gate room, he was surprised to see not just Sam, but all of SG1 there waiting for them. John moved over to Elizabeth and said, "Elizabeth I didn't know we were having so much extra company for the next little while," he said politely, but he had to admit he was very curious about why there were two Colonels now here in his base. It was one thing for Sam to take over from Elizabeth for a while, it was another entirely to have Mitchell here as well. They may have been the same rank, but it made him uneasy having the other Colonel there without any real reason.
"Neither did I," Elizabeth replied quietly. "Don't worry, John, Mitchell isn't here to step on your toes … well, he wouldn't want to be anyway. I'm sure we'll have a better idea of what they're doing here once we've had our briefing."
"Are they all going to be in there?" John asked.
"I can't see why they should be," Elizabeth replied and that made John feel better. "Anyway, we'd best go and say hello to our guests."
The three of them walked down the stairs towards the assembled group and Elizabeth greeted them politely.
"Colonel Carter, Colonel Mitchell, Dr Jackson, Vala, Teal'c, welcome to Atlantis."
John stood slightly behind Elizabeth with M beside him and he could tell she was nervous. These were people who had known her before and wouldn't know about the change. She was going to have to explain it to them and he knew that wouldn't be fun for her.
Sam greeted Elizabeth warmly before looking up at John and giving him a friendly smile and a polite greeting. Her attention turned to M then and she looked surprised.
John glanced at the others and saw the moment they spotted M as well. He squashed down the urge to throw something at Mitchell and Jackson as they stared at her wide eyed for a moment before schooling their expressions.
"And who's this?" Sam asked brightly.
"How about we head up to the briefing room and I'll make the introductions up there," Elizabeth suggested, motioning to the room upstairs.
"Of course," Sam agreed easily, following Elizabeth up the stairs.
John and M followed behind them, far enough back that when M whispered, "I should have changed and put my hair up before I came to the briefing. I didn't even think about it, I feel ridiculous. Damn Maugan!" he was the only one who heard her.
"Don't worry about it, you look fine. The dress is very professional and aside from being sparkly your hair doesn't look that dressy. I think you look amazing, but I always think that," he added, happy to see her smile at him as they walked into the briefing room.
He was equally happy when none of the others followed them.
They took a seat around the briefing room table and M addressed Elizabeth straight away. "Sorry for being out of uniform, Elizabeth, I didn't know about the briefing when I dressed this morning and I didn't think of going to change before we came up here."
"Don't worry about it, M, you don't officially start back here until tomorrow so I didn't expect you to be in uniform for the briefing. Besides, you look very professional, aside from your hair but I think it looks lovely," Elizabeth complimented.
"Oh, yes, Dr Harper takes perverse pleasure in doing my hair for me on non-work days; apparently it's imperative that I show off my 'fabulous cheek bones'," M replied with mock frustration and Elizabeth laughed.
John felt M relax a bit at that and he knew it had been her intention. She wanted to break the ice a little with Elizabeth, after all it was the first real conversation they'd probably had since M came back. It also let Sam know that M hadn't been dressing up for her benefit, which John imagined would be a concern for her given their history.
"All right, let's get down to it. First of all, Colonel Carter, you remember Dr McKay," Elizabeth said motioning to M and Sam looked like her eyes could have fallen out of her head as her mouth dropped open in shock.
"Rodney?" she asked.
"Not anymore," M replied. "Meredith, although I still don't like it so I just go by M most of the time."
"How did this happen?" Sam asked.
"Weird ancient device," M replied. "I was the unlucky person to be standing in the circle when some idiotic person pressed a button they shouldn't have and … here I am. It was about 8 months ago now so I'm mostly used to it, not everyone knows though so if you could maybe not tell the others, at least for the next little while. We have some alternate universe SGA1 team members here at the moment, plus the crew from the Daedalus, I'd rather not have to explain it all to them right now," she asked.
"Oh, no, that's fine, I completely understand," Sam replied. "Well, Rodney … sorry, M, it's nice to see you again."
"You too," M replied with a polite smile.
"All right, on to our next item of business. I didn't realise SG1 were all coming with you so I didn't organise them quarters, are they planning to stay long?" Elizabeth asked the question in a way that made it sound like she wasn't as concerned about their presence as she was.
"No, I didn't either until we were leaving or I would have let you know," Sam replied. "Daniel wants to get a better look at Atlantis and since our galaxy is pretty quiet right now there isn't a lot of off world missions going on back home, Mitchell, Teal'c and Vala thought they'd come along and help out here, or so they said. Honestly, I think Vala is just coming to keep an eye on Daniel and Mitchell and Teal'c are here to keep an eye on both of us. It wouldn't surprise me if General O'Neill ordered them to come and keep us out of trouble," Sam finished with a grin and John couldn't find it in himself to grin back.
It sounded like O'Neill had sent them all, to take over the place. With Elizabeth gone and Sam in charge there was nothing stopping her from assigning Mitchell as the CMO, and considering John's history he wouldn't be surprised if they tried to do just that. No matter what Elizabeth said John knew the highers up hadn't just decided to promote him for a job well done when he took over Atlantis, she'd had to push for it.
"You'll understand if this sits a little uneasily with my people and I, Colonel," Elizabeth said concernedly. "As soon as I take a leave of absence you arrive, which I understand in some ways being that you're a full bird Colonel now and have experience with ancient and replicator technology, but at the same time almost seems a bit unnecessary considering Colonel Sheppard could have taken over any of my duties temporarily and M has plenty of experience with the replicators, ancient technology and now the wraith. That we could have accepted quite easily though, but you've now also brought in Colonel Mitchell who really has no place within this command structure; unless you are intending to replace Colonel Sheppard as CMO," Elizabeth said in a way that left no question at all of what she thought about that.
"Oh, no, Elizbeth, that's not why we're here at all," Sam rushed to assure her. "Look, can I be honest with you?" she asked.
"That would be a good start," Elizabeth replied.
Sam looked thoughtful for a moment. "We've defeated all of the major goa'uld threats, we've freed the jaffar, the milky way galaxy has never been safer and we should all be celebrating; only we're not. The stargate program has become our lives, without it we're all relegated to positions on Earth and none of us really want to do that. Teal'c should be living the free life with his people, but he's a warrior and what their society wants now is politicians, not warriors; so all those years fighting for freedom have given his society everything and now they have no place for him in it."
"Daniel had been dying to get here to study the ancient technology and he could be a real asset, Colonel Mitchell and Vala are very resourceful team members with a lot of experience and Teal'c is an incredible warrior. All Mitchell ever wanted was to be a part of the Stargate program, all the rest of us want is to be out there helping people before we're too old and they relegate us to desk duty. I was hoping, and I think they are as well, that if we proved that we could be assets to you, there might be a place for us here, on Atlantis. I've even considered resigning my air force position and asking to come here as a civilian scientist instead."
"I'm sorry if it seems like we're invading, I know Mitchell is the same rank as you, Sheppard, and I know officially I outrank you, but he doesn't want your job and neither do I, we just want to be out there helping people," Sam finished.
Well, that wasn't what John had been expecting, but he couldn't say he didn't understand.
"Well then, that changes things," Elizabeth replied, looking thoughtful.
"I can certainly understand," John added. "After doing this job I don't think there's anything I'd be happy going back to on Earth either."
"There's really not. R&D is interesting, don't get me wrong, but it's nothing compared to being out there in the thick of it," Sam replied with a sad smile.
"If you are serious about coming here we'd be happy to have you, but only if you came here as a civilian, like you've already said. We couldn't have you here as a full bird colonel and I doubt they'd let you come anyway. You at least have that option, you have more than one skillset that we can use here, Mitchell is a different story entirely. I doubt they're going to approve the transfer of a second Lieutenant Colonel to the city, not to mention Mitchell has held the rank longer which would make him the superior officer. I'm not going to have someone here with the potential to undermine John's leadership," Elizabeth said concernedly.
"I've been trying to think of a way to make it work, I just haven't come up with anything yet," Sam said thoughtfully. "I will though."
"Do you think there's anything that could make the superiors back on earth agree to let you all stay here?" Elizabeth asked.
"If I can come up with a good enough reason and General O'Neill gave the order, there's really no one who's going to oppose him," Sam replied. "And he would do that for Mitchell, for all of us, if we asked."
"Well then, for now I guess we'll wait and see how all of you take to the city, and how the city takes to you," Elizabeth replied. "We have a very tight knit community here and occasionally certain people clash with the main population for one reason or another. Those people unfortunately can't stay here, it causes … unrest in the community, and we have to transfer them back to Earth."
"I understand, thank you for your consideration," Sam replied with a smile that Elizabeth returned.
"All right then, let's get down to business," Elizabeth directed and they pulled out their notes about current activities on Atlantis that Sam needed to be aware of.
XX
The meeting took a few hours but it wasn't too painful and they were finally out at 3. Elizabeth took Sam to find the others and show them around and John grabbed her quickly before she went to ask her whether he could borrow a jumper for a short trip. When she asked why he said he wanted a short flight to clear his head, which wasn't a lie he definitely did, and she agreed easily; trusting him as she always had. As soon as she agreed John headed back to the briefing room where M was packing up her notes and asked whether she'd come out in the jumper with him.
She agreed with a smile and they headed back to their rooms to put their notes away, then M grabbed a jacket while John grabbed his iPod. M called through to Carlos, Sacha and Maugan to let them know she'd be away from the city for a little while in case they were looking for her, then they headed down to the jumper.
John called up to the tower to let them know they were heading out for a little while, then flew up out of the roof and off over the ocean.
M sat beside him, looking out of the windscreen in wonder. "It's crazy how much I missed this place," she said softly. "The endless ocean, the sound of the waves. Carlos, Sacha and Maugan's house was right on a cliff overlooking the ocean, which helped, but we were only there on the weekends and … it just wasn't the same."
"At some point soon you're going to have to explain those three to me," John said, his curiosity about M's friends still niggling at him.
M chuckled, "They are a little out there aren't they? It would have taken me ages to work them out if they hadn't just come out and told me; Maugan's good like that, she doesn't beat around the bush. They're good people, good friends, I'm glad they came back with me." John felt her eyes on him. "We're not really here to talk about them though, are we?"
"That certainly wasn't my plan, no," John replied.
"Do you plan to land somewhere, or would you rather talk while flying?" she asked.
"I'm going to land," John replied. "I flew over the mainland a little while back and found a beautiful spot I want to take you to."
"Okay," M agreed easily, trusting him as she always had and relaxing back into her chair to enjoy the rest of the flight.
The spot he'd found was a cliff face enclosed in beautiful, flowering, hedge type plants on three sides in a semicircle, while the open side looked out over the ocean. If John had calculated right it would have a beautiful view of the sunset shortly.
It didn't take long to get there and he landed the jumper so it was facing out towards the ocean.
He turned to look at M who was smiling brightly. "It's beautiful," she said, her voice betraying how taken she was by the view. "It's so odd to think that I never would have appreciated this if I'd still been in my old body, I would have been too busy thinking about all the things I needed to do back in the city." She turned to look at him with a loving smile. "Not now though, it's amazing being here with you."
For the longest time John just looked at her, still struggling to believe that this was really happening, that she was really here, that she really loved him.
She turned the chair around to face him and gave him an apologetic look. "I'm sorry, I know I've hurt you these last few years, even if I didn't know it, and I know it hurt you more when I had to go away and sort out my feelings."
He wanted to interrupt her and tell her that it wasn't her fault, she'd never made him love her, but he didn't, letting her talk.
"You always meant so much to me, but like I said the other night I never stopped to analyse what those feelings were because I was so scared of what I'd find. I don't know how you managed to keep it together as well as you did for such a long time, knowing you loved me but not feeling anything else; I don't think I would have handled it as well as you did. I truly had no idea, which I know was exactly the way you wanted it, but I wish I'd known, because even if it would have been really hard for me at least we could have helped each other through it. It kills me to know you were in pain for so long," she said sadly.
"It wasn't all bad," John assured her. "And I could have pulled back from you, spent my time doing other things with other people rather than being with you all the time, but I didn't, because I loved being with you. Call me masochistic, but as hard as it was I could never have given you up. You're the most wonderful thing my lonely life has ever brought me and I would have done anything to keep you close," he confessed, smiling softly at the tears that were shining in her eyes.
"You are for me too," she admitted. "You always have been. God I … I love you so much. Now that I recognise it for what it is I … can't believe I never realised it before. It makes sense now why none of my other relationships ever really got very far, because I never felt anything like this for any of them, not Katie, not Jennifer, and I thought I really loved Jennifer. Those feelings are so hollow compared to what I feel for you, I can't believe I ever questioned it really, you'd have thought I'd be smarter than that. I guess it just goes to show how strong denial can be," she said, self-deprecatingly.
Hearing her say that was so overwhelming for John. He didn't want to start crying, not right now, but his heart had been so dead for so long that all of the wonderful, beautiful feelings flowing through him right now were a lot for him to take. He closed his eyes as the tears slipped down his face, wondering if there was any way he could possibly get himself back under control without a complete meltdown.
He heard her get up from her chair and she slipped onto his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck and stroking her fingers through his hair as he buried his face in her shoulder and fought back the sobs that wanted to come. His hands shook as he wrapped his arms around her and held her as tightly as he dared.
"I'm sorry, John, I never wanted to hurt you. I love you so much," she said tearfully, burying her face in his hair.
John held her for the longest time, working through all the overwhelming emotions, including the horrible pain that had filled his soul when M had left Atlantis and the loneliness that had swallowed him until she came back. When he was through all of that he allowed himself to sink into the good feelings.
His love for her burnt so brightly, fuelled by the knowledge that she loved him too and when he finally pulled away from her hold, he gazed adoringly up her concerned face.
"I love you too, I love you more than anything and I would do anything for you. You're the most incredible person I know, Mere."
She smiled at him softly, the love and caring obvious in her beautiful eyes. She reached up and ran her fingers gently over his face, her incredible blue eyes taking in every detail, "You are far too beautiful, John." She whispered, holding his gaze for a moment before leaning down to kiss him.
He kissed her back gently, letting her have control of how deep it went. He knew she said she hadn't been intimate with anyone in her current body, but he had no idea how far that stretched; it could mean even things as simple as kissing, so he didn't want to scare her.
When she pulled back, she looked at him with eyes full of desire. "Kiss me, John," she whispered and he knew she wanted him to take control, which he was more than happy to do if that's what she wanted.
"I don't want to do anything wrong," he whispered, searching her eyes. "I know this is all new to you and I don't want you to feel like I'm pushing you."
"I appreciate that, but kissing and touching aren't new to me, John," M whispered back.
"Well, when you put it that way." Taking a risk, he slid his hands up along her back, enjoying her gasp of pleasure as his hands caressed her through the fabric of her dress. He brought them up to cup her face and pulled her down into a deeper kiss, his mouth moving seductively against hers. Her fingers gripped his hair and he slid one of his hands around to comb into the back of hers, keeping her close.
When he felt like it had been long enough, he ran his tongue gently along her lips, slipping it inside when she opened to him and gently exploring her mouth, loving all the little sounds she made. It felt so incredible amazing and his mind whirled with the thought that he was kissing Rodney, after all these years the incredible scientist was finally his.
He kissed her until they were both breathless, then he eased back and looked up to gauge her reaction. She looked back at him, her eyes swirling with lust and it filled him with warmth and hot desire.
"Wow, you're really good at that," she whispered, her breath touching his lips as she spoke, making his shiver delightedly.
He ran his trembling hands gently down her back again and she closed her eyes, sighing contentedly. "I feel like I've been waiting for you to touch me forever and it feels amazing now, I can't imagine what it'll be like when I can feel it properly." She opened her eyes and looked at him again. "I wish I wasn't so nervous about it, I really want to feel your hands on me properly and I really want to touch you." She slid her hands down his neck and chest, her fingers caressing his body through his jacket. It was only light but it felt amazing.
"We can take all the time you need, I'm not going anywhere," he assured her. "And you can touch me anywhere any time you like, even if you're not feeling ready for me to touch back the same way, I will never pressure you for anything, and I promise, when you are ready, I will make it amazing for you. I know what I'm doing, Mere, I'm not a horny teenager who can't wait and will rush through it just to get what I want. I'm not like that, I wasn't even when I was a horny teenager; I'm far more concerned about your needs than mine. I want it to be perfect for you, it is a big deal."
"Yes, it is, a much bigger deal than it was in my other body," she replied. "I don't know how women like Maugan can sleep with so many people and not be utterly terrified. I never want to do that with anyone but you, because I love you and you make me feel safe; I could never do that if I didn't." She looked down with a sigh. "And I've probably just completely spoiled the mood, sorry."
John huffed out a laugh, "You worry far too much, Mere. I'm not a woman, remember, you're the woman now. It takes a lot to ruin my mood, it's yours we need to be worried about. Do you feel like it's spoiled?" he asked
M looked thoughtful, "Maybe a little," she admitted, "but only because I'm feeling silly."
"Why?" he asked.
"For overthink everything; my brain ruins far too many things," she replied, looking annoyed at herself.
John shook his head, "Your brain hasn't ruined anything," he assured her. "I know you, remember, I know how hard things get for you, I know your incredible mind can be your worst enemy sometimes and torture you by making you overthink things. I'll make it a little easier for you, don't overthink anything that happens between us. If something bothers me, I'll tell you, and if you're worried that something might have bothered me, just ask me, don't sit around overthinking it and stressing yourself out. I want to be something that makes you feel good and calm, not stressed out and anxious, okay."
She smiled at him gratefully. "I love you, John Sheppard."
"I love you, Meredith McKay," he replied and she looked down for a moment before looking up at him again.
"Say it again," she asked.
"That I love you, or your name?" he asked.
"Both," she replied and he smiled softly a her, whispering lovingly with a hint of seduction.
"I love you, Meredith McKay, and I know you don't like your name, Meredith, but I do, and maybe I can help you like it too."
She kissed him softly, slipping her hands up along his chest. "I like it when you say it like that," she whispered.
"Good, I'll do it more often, Meredith," he replied with a soft smile, running his hands gently through her hair. "I had an idea for while we were out here. Do you want to dance with me, Mere?"
She looked at him surprised for a moment, before smiling brightly and nodding. She slid off his lap and he grabbed his iPod out of his pocket. This wasn't a Johnny Cash moment so he opened a Dan Seals album and played They Rage On. Its lyrics weren't great, but he really liked the tune.
As the music started to play he pulled her close, wrapping an arm around her waist and taking her hand. She had probably never danced with a man before, but she fit against him perfectly, slipping her arm over his and around to his back, leaning her face against his shoulder. He held their hands against his chest and led her in a slow dance, which she followed seamlessly.
When the chorus played, he sang along quietly and she snuggled in tighter against him, "Somehow searching for the answers, in the night like shadow dancers. Before their time is gone, they rage on"
It was funny, he'd hated learning how to dance when he was young, but it actually really helped his coordination and made him far more graceful than others in a sparing ring. He'd always thought that was all it would be handy for, now he decided he had a far better use for it. Nancy hadn't really liked dancing, they'd barely even danced at their wedding, and John didn't mind that at all. Dancing around the jumper with M right now was amazing and he almost shook his head at how stupid he'd been to think he really loved Nancy all those years ago. He'd married her because he thought it was the right thing to do and he fooled himself into thinking he was in love with her, but he wasn't. The love he felt for M was completely different, it consumed all of him, but in a caressing way not a suffocating one.
When the song ended, he kissed her hair and asked what she wanted to do. When she asked if he had another song that was good for dancing to he thought about it for a moment, before she pulled back and said, "Actually, I do." She reached into her jacket and pulled out her phone, which John assumed she still had from her time on Earth and was just used to carrying around. She started a song playing and came back to melt against him as the flute started playing.
There is something that I see
In the way you look at me
There's a smile, there's a truth in your eyes
But an unexpected way
On this unexpected day
Could it mean this is where I belong
It is you I have loved all along
It's no more mystery
It is finally clear to me
You're the home my heart searched for so long
And it is you I have loved all along
There were times I ran to hide
Afraid to show the other side
Alone in the night without you
But now I know just who you are
And I know you hold my heart
Finally this is where I belong
It is you I have loved all along
It's no more mystery
It is finally clear to me
You're the home my heart searched for so long
And it is you I have loved all along
As the instrumental section gave way to lyrics again she leant up to whisper the words in his ear
Over and over
I'm filled with emotion
Your love, it rushes through my veins
And I am filled
With the sweetest devotion
As I, I look into your perfect face
It's no more mystery
It is finally clear to me
You're the home my heart searched for so long
And it is you I have loved
It is you I have loved
It is you I have loved all along
The words of the song were so perfect and John blinked away tears as she leant up to kiss him. "Not your kind of song I know, but I wanted to play it for you," she whispered.
"It was perfect," he replied, leaning down to kiss her again. "I love you, Mere."
"I love you too," she replied, snuggling into him even after the music had stopped, seemingly content to just hold him for a while which he wasn't at all complaining about.
She was here, in his arms where he'd always wanted her, nothing could make this moment anymore amazing.
When John noticed the light coming into the jumper was starting to change, he looked out through the view screen and saw that the sun was starting to set, and he'd been right, the view was spectacular.
"The sun's going down, want to come out and watch it with me?" he asked softly.
"I'd love to," she replied and he took her hand, thinking the back door of the jumper open and leading her outside onto the grass.
It was absolutely breathtaking and John enjoyed every moment of it with the love of his life snuggled tightly into his side.
He'd never been so happy.
XX
When the sun was finally down they flew back to Atlantis, parking the jumper back in the bay then heading to the mess hall to find the others. They were all sitting down at a table together, including the original SG1 and the alternates. There were two spaces left for them beside Teyla, who greeted them with a bright smile as they sat down.
M was happy to let the conversations go on around her, participating only as much as she wanted to, her mind on John and the afternoon they'd spent together. She was glad they'd had a chance to finally talk about everything, it had been so lovely dancing around the jumper with him, and god could he kiss; desire rushed through her body just thinking about it.
She definitely wanted to kiss him more.
When dinner was over Jennifer asked if M would take a walk with her and she agreed easily, asking John where he was planning on heading. Hee said he'd probably head out onto the pier with the alternates and SG1, who seemed eager to go out with him. M nodded and told him she'd meet him out there, then headed off for a walk with Jennifer.
They walked for a while in silence, then Jennifer spoke, "I … don't really know what to say to you," she admitted. "I feel really bad because I tried to be there for you, but I couldn't. You were falling apart and you needed me, but I fell apart with you instead. I'm sorry," she said sadly.
"It's okay," M assured her, "It was a weird situation and … none of us knew how to react. I was grateful to you for being there as much as you were. I could tell it was weird and hard for you, but you did it anyway because you cared and I appreciated it."
Jennifer stopped walking and studied her. "It's crazy, you know, sometimes when I look at you I can still see … and other times it's like you're a completely different person. I feel like I know you so well and so little at the same time."
"Would it be easier to think of me as someone different?" M asked.
"I don't know, maybe, I don't want to though. You meant so much to me, I don't want to just pretend that was nothing," she replied. "I think we just need to … I don't know, spend a bit more time together maybe. I mean I've not seen you in 6 months and that didn't make it any easier to deal with, maybe I just have to get to know you again, like this. We could hang out or something, the four of us, you, John, me and Ronon. John's good friends with Ronon so that should be a good mix, right?" she asked.
"Sure," M replied. "It won't be awkward for you though?"
Jennifer shrugged, "Maybe, but there's no other way to get past it except to try," she said, her smile suddenly turning sad. "You know I always wondered about you and John, when we were together, you always seemed to have such a special connection to him and … I should have known."
"Hey, when you and I were together, you were all I was thinking about," M assured her. "I didn't realise I had feelings for John until well after I'd gotten this body. I did love you, I never lied about that, I just didn't realise I loved him more because I'd squashed it so deep down inside myself where I wouldn't have to face it. I'm sorry things worked out the way they did, Jen, I never wanted to hurt you."
"Oh, no, don't be sorry. I wasn't trying to make you feel bad by saying that, I was just thinking that I should have seen it. I thought I knew you better than anyone, I'm disappointed at myself that I was wrong and even more disappointed with myself that when things got too hard I just ran away. I was a terrible girlfriend," she said self-deprecatingly.
M wasn't sure how to respond to that, really that's exactly what she'd done so M couldn't say it wasn't, but she didn't hold it against her. "Look, it was what it was and it's done, we've both moved on and I don't hold any ill feelings towards you. Let's not dwell on it, okay?" she said gently
"Okay," Jennifer agreed with a grateful smile.
"So, friends?" M asked.
"Sure," Jennifer agreed, reaching forward to hug M tightly.
M held her back, breathing in the scent of her. It was crazy to think that only a little while ago that scent would have really affected M, now all she thought was that Jennifer smelled pretty.
They pulled away and M asked whether Jen was coming out to the pier. When she said yes, they turned to head out there, both lost in their own thoughts until they rounded a corner and found Kavanagh waiting there.
"Well, well, well, if it isn't Doctor McKay," he said with a creepy grin. "Thought I wouldn't find out, didn't you?" he asked. "What are you going to do now that I know? I'm going to tell everyone and they'll all know; how does that feel?" he asked.
M looked at Jennifer who looked back at her with a shrug, "I think I'll feel fine about it considering everyone already knows," M replied, looking at Kavanagh like he was stupid.
"What do you mean?" he asked, his face falling.
"I mean everyone here knows," M clarified. "I was in the city when it happened, Kavanagh, did you really think there was any way it would stay a secret? The crew of the Daedalus don't know because I've been away working at the pentagon for a while, but the whole of Atlantis does, and if you listen closely you'll hear the sound of them not caring."
"But … Cherry-"
"Is a childish tramp from another reality who I'm pretty sure doesn't know how to tie her own shoes," M replied. "Why in the world have you even been talking to her? Have you been trading tips on how to be bigger idiots?"
When Kavanagh looked lost for words M shook her head and walked past him, hoping the Daedalus would leave soon and she wouldn't have to see Kavanagh for a long time.
It did worry her, him knowing, just because Cherry knew about her and John being together and they'd wanted to keep that to themselves for a while. She really didn't want it getting out now and making things difficult for John, she just wanted to be happy with the man she loved for a while and settle into her happiness without any of the crap the Atlantis rumour mill was bound to stir up, not to mention the crew of the Daedalus.
"Are you okay?" Jennifer asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine, I'm just worried. I don't care who knows that I'm me, they're going to find out eventually, but Cherry was on the pier the other night and she saw John and I together which means Kavanagh either knows or can find out. We know people are going to find out eventually, but we wanted a little while to enjoy the relationship before everyone else finds out. I'd like to think people will just leave us alone, but I'm certainly not holding my breath and I don't want people to make things awkward for John, you know, question his sexuality or his masculinity or whatever stupid nonsense soldiers come up with," M explained.
"Well, hopefully people on Atlantis will just accept it like they accept every other weird thing that happens here, you know, gossip for a few days then get over it," Jennifer offered, wrapping an arm around M comfortingly.
"There's always hope," M replied, although she didn't believe it for a second. She really was a pessimist she'd been working on that.
When they made it out to the pier the others were all out there talking and laughing. Most of them were sitting down with their legs over the side, but John was standing back from the others, like he had been the night before, waiting for her. She moved over to stand beside him, slipping her hand into his just like she had the night before and he turned to smile warmly at her. "Hey, did it go okay?" he asked.
"Yeah, Jen and I are good. She wants to spend a bit of time with me now that I'm M; she wants us to be friends which is nice. She suggested the four of us hanging out, her, Ronon, you and I," M explained.
"Oh, well, I don't see why not," John agreed easily. "So, if it all went well why do you look so worried?" he asked.
She explained her conversation with Kavanagh and her concern about their relationship getting out. "Look, you know I don't care who knows about us, I just don't want things getting awkward for you and I don't want everyone's unnecessary opinions and gossip putting a strain on us."
"I know," he replied quietly, reaching out to pull her into his arms and holding her tightly. "But we can't control what other people are going to do, we can only control how we react. Whatever happens, you and I are going to be okay. We've gotten each other, our team and the entire city through everything else the Pegasus Galaxy has thrown at us, we'll get through this too. I love you, Mere, I'm not going to lose you over some opinions or gossip."
M sighed, "I know, you're right, I'm just being paranoid. I love you too," she replied, melting into his arms.
They stood there for a little while holding each other, then John asked whether she wanted to go and sit down with the others. "Oh, Sam knows about me, do you want to-"
John didn't let her finish her sentence before he took her hand and pulled her over to sit in the gap left for them between Ronon and Teyla. They sat down between their friends and John wrapped his arm around her, kissing her hair as she leant against his shoulder. They sat together listening to the others talking around them for a while before M heard Sam say, "Whoa."
"What?" Daniel asked.
"… Never mind," Sam replied and M grinned, closing her eyes and breathing in John's soothing, masculine scent.
It was so crazy how a body and hormones could change so much about how things affected you. She'd always thought John smelled great, but it was always just an appreciation of the scent. Now that she was female it fired her blood in delightful ways and calmed her all at the same time. He smelled strong and safe and so very very male, and she loved it.
"Oh, M, I meant to ask before, why were you guys all dressed up when you arrived last night?" Jennifer asked, breaking into her thoughts.
"Oh, we'd been out at a party," M replied. "We were supposed to have to serve two weeks notice before we left the Pentagon, but we finished getting all of our notes to hand over to the rest of the team ready in a few days, which meant we were going to be sitting around for the rest of the time with nothing to do. So, our boss at the Pentagon made us a deal, he was throwing a party for his wife's birthday and a bunch of her colleagues were coming. She's a university professor which means the guests were all highly intelligent people who liked to look down on him and treat him like an idiot for not being an academic. So, he said if we got all dressed up, came to the party, and made her colleagues look stupid for a few hours, he'd let us leave as soon as the party was over."
"So, we went to the party and made all those university people look like idiots for 4 hours; it was so much fun," Maugan said, smiling evilly.
"Our former boss was so happy, I think he spent more of the party hiding out in rooms of their house laughing himself silly than he did actually talking to anyone," Sacha added.
"We had a great time, but we were glad to leave when he let us go," Carlos added. "We got straight on the jet and flew straight to the SGC."
"Ah, that explains it. Well, you all looked great," Jennifer complimented. "That blue looked really nice on you," she added to M.
"Oh, thanks, all Maugan's doing I assure you. She dressed me up and did my hair for me, I didn't have a hand in any of it. I did really like the blue though," she added, looking down the line of her friends to Maugan, who was sitting between Rodney and Sam.
"Well, it brought out your eyes so perfectly," Maugan replied. "Oh, and have I mentioned? Best day ever!" she gushed, pointing to either side of her. "I'm surrounded by sexy geniuses." She looked from Sam to Rodney. "You both have such pretty eyes," she said and Rodney grinned while Sam just looked surprised.
"Um, thanks," she replied and Maugan smiled brightly at her.
"Any chance I could keep you? I can't keep Rodney he's got to go back to his universe, but could I keep you?" Maugan asked and Sam looked around at the rest of the group as if she wasn't sure whether the woman was serious or not.
"She doesn't mean like a pet, she means she wants to date you," M explained.
"Oh, um … I'm flattered, but I don't date women, sorry," Sam replied and Maugan looked disappointed.
"Really? Well that's a terrible shame, you're the perfect woman aside from M down there, but she's taken too."
"Sorry, Maugan," M said.
"That's okay, darling, I totally understand why," Maugan replied, grinning at John who grinned back. After a few moments Maugan turned her attention back to Rodney "So, hot stuff, can I take you home with me tonight?"
"Uh … sure," Rodney replied and Maugan looked delighted. "Oh goody, I'm going to do very bad things to you, you sexy creature," she said, snuggling into him.
M chuckled, "No, ladies and gentlemen, Maugan is not at all subtle," she announced.
"Oh what's the point of being subtle, then no one really knows that you want," Maugan defended herself and M couldn't argue with that.
They stayed out on the pier until it started getting late and the breeze began to get a little too cool for comfort, then they headed back inside to the living quarters, dropping people off on their way back to their rooms.
Maugan led Rodney down to her room, stopping at her door to smile brightly at John and M before pulling him into the room with her.
"He's never going to be the same," M said with a chuckle as she and John continued on their way down to M's room. "Hey, I have to shower, do you want to go down to your room and grab some stuff then come back, or should I come down to you after I'm done?" she asked.
"Oh … I can go and grab my stuff and come back; your bed has the better mattress after all," John replied and she had to agree.
"Okay, although I think I'm going to order myself a bigger bed tomorrow," she said as they reached her room.
She gave him a kiss before opening the door and heading in, making her way straight to the shower. She got through her shower relatively quickly and was just finished getting dressed when she heard the door chime sound again. She thought the door open and smiled as John walked into the room, freshly showered and wearing black tracksuit pants and a forest green t-shirt that brought out his eyes beautifully.
"Hey, you look ridiculously hot in that t-shirt," she told him. "It makes your eyes pop, or that's the way Maugan says it anyway."
"Funny that's what the sales guy said to me as well," John replied, putting his bag down near the door and moving over to take her in his arms, kissing her delightfully.
M melted into the kiss, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling herself closer; God it felt so good being pressed up against him. She wished she wasn't so nervous about having sex in this body, he was so hot and she wanted him so badly.
She thought about Maugan and Rodney in the other room, probably going at each other like rabbid animals, and felt more than a tinge of jealousy at how easy it was for Maugan, and how easy it used to be for her in her old body. She pulled back and looked up at John who looked back at her lovingly. If she were still in her old body she wouldn't have the possibility of being with him like this; she used that thought to soothe her jealousy somewhat.
"What's wrong?" he asked her concernedly.
She shook her head, "Nothing, just frustrated … at myself, not you," she explained snuggling into him. "I wish I was like other people, that I wasn't so neurotic and didn't overthink everything. I want to just be able to … be sometimes, to live in the moment and enjoy it, but I can't and it frustrates me." She sighed. "You are so beautiful, I want to be able to love you in every way I can … but I can't, because my brain won't stop overthinking it."
"Mere, of course you're going to overthink something like this, nobody just falls into their first time; it's just been a while since you've had to worry about anything like that so you're not thinking about it objectively," John soothed. "You're in a completely different body now, nothing is the same, that doesn't happen to most people at this age, does it? If it did people would be as nervous about intimacy as you are. There's nothing wrong with you, Mere, I'd be nervous if I was in a new body too."
She sighed, "I know, you're right," she conceded. "It doesn't make it any easier though."
"No, I'm sure it doesn't; I don't imagine anything will. Anything I can do to help at all?" he asked.
"Just … don't give up on me," she asked softly.
"Mere … Rodney, I have loved you forever, nothing could make me give you up now," he assured her and she cuddled into him tighter, feeling tears gathering behind her eyelids.
"I love you so much, John."
"I love you too, Mere."
She held him until she felt a little calmer, then a question popped into her head. "Why do you call me that?"
"What? Mere?" he asked.
"Yeah," she replied, pulling back and looking up at him curiously.
"I've called you that in my head ever since your sister said it that first day we met her," John explained. "I liked it, I thought it suited you, I still think so, and aside from Jeanie nobody else calls you that, so it made it feel kind of special. Would you rather I didn't?"
"Oh, no, I like it, I was just curious," M replied. "It sounds nice when you say it," she admitted with a soft smile. "I kind of wish I had something to call you aside from the same thing everyone else calls you, but I can't really think of anything that suits you. I mean babe and sweetheart really just don't work for you," she said with a grin and he laughed. "Tall dark and handsome maybe, but that's a bit long, and there's sexy, but both of those are too superficial. I don't want to call you something that's just a comment on your looks, I want it to be something that says what you mean to me on a deeper level. I'll have to give it some thought."
"Well, you are a genius, I'm sure you'll come up with something," John assured her, kissing her forehead. "Hey, speaking of your sister before, does she know?" he asked softly.
"No," M replied, looking down. "I thought about going to see her, but … I really don't know if I should. It might be better if she just thinks I died; I'm sure it'll be weird for her and I can't imagine how she'd explain this to her daughter or her husband."
"Mere, she'd want to know you're still alive, and if she thinks it'll be too hard explaining to Caled and Maddyson she doesn't have to tell them. She knows about Atlantis and the weird things that go on here, she'd understand. You guys finally reconnected, I'm sure you don't want to lose that now, and you're different in this body, you've said it a few times, maybe you'll find connecting with her a little easier now," John suggested gently.
M thought about it, John was probably right, she just wasn't sure how she would tell Jeanie. She'd have to give it some thought.
"I know it's not really my place to butt into your life and tell you what you should do, I just don't want you to miss out on something that I know means a lot to you," he added.
She raised an eyebrow at him, "John, you're my partner, at least that's what I've been assuming you want to be, I haven't really asked."
"It is," John assured her.
"Okay, so it is your place to tell me what you think I should do about things like these," she reminded him. "I may not agree with you, that happens, but if you have an opinion about something that affects our lives, I expect you to say it. Wouldn't you want me to?" she asked.
"Yeah, I suppose you're right. I'm trying to tread lightly because this is so new, although I guess it's really not new at all, just different. I think I'm just … worried that I'm going to do or say something wrong and you'll realise this was a big mistake and end it," he admitted.
"Well, that's not going to happen," M said, bringing her hands up to cup his face. "I'm still me, John, still Rodney, and we've always been comfortable being honest with each other in the past; I've always liked that about us, I don't want it to change now. Admittedly we could be a bit harsh with each other sometimes when dolling out that honesty, I'd like to avoid that, although I know we're going to disagree sometimes, every couple does. The point is, if you think I'm doing something silly or that I'm going to regret later, or something that's hurting you in some way, I want you to say it, okay."
John smiled, taking M's hand and kissing it softly. "Okay, and I expect the same from you, all right."
"All right," M agreed easily. She knew it would take a while to find equilibrium in this new relationship, they'd never really be able to go back to how they used to be, but they would be something far better once they'd settled in. "Are you ready to go to bed?" she asked.
"Yeah," he agreed easily and they headed over to the bed, crawling in together and getting comfortable. M snuggled into John's chest as his long, incredible arms wrapped around her and held her close. She loved how strong he was; he always made her feel so safe. She slipped her arm around his stomach, sliding it over his incredible muscles as she went. God he felt good, she really wanted to touch all those muscles properly.
"You know you're allowed to touch me if you want to," John's quiet words surprised her.
"As much as I'm dying to … no, that would be teasing both of us which is never fun," She replied.
"Well, if you change your mind, remember, the offer's there," John replied, leaning down to kiss her hair gently. "Good night, love of my life."
"Good night, far too beautiful man," she replied and he chuckled quietly.
She lay there for a long time, listening to his heartbeat under her ear. It was so amazing to think that John was hers; that incredible, beautiful man who all the women off world had always wanted and the whole time he'd been in love with her … him.
It was so crazy to think that, she'd really had no idea.
She let her mind drift back to when she was still a man, it was really easy to remember certain things, but others were really fuzzy. She tried to think back to her feelings about John and wondered what would have happened if John had told her how he really felt. John was an incredibly beautiful man, and not just because he was gorgeous on the outside, M had always thought so. His friendly, laidback approach to life and his adorable, boyish smile made him so incredibly beautiful, and it was no wonder so many women wanted him, but he was also intelligent, kind and caring, he really was a remarkable person.
Could M have come to have feelings like these for him if she'd still been in her other body? She hadn't thought so before but now she wasn't so sure; it was hard to think like she used to.
Really it didn't matter, they were together now and whatever she'd used to feel was really of no consequence, but she was still her so of course she over thought everything.
Eventually she settled down to sleep and just before she closed her eyes she reached out and ran her fingers gently across his stomach and up to his chest.
'Soon' she told herself. 'You'll get there soon.'
And she did her best to ignore the part of her brain that said, 'but I want to be there now.'
XX
So what did we think? I loved writing Maugan and Rodney's bits because I want him to get the hot girl for once. What do we all think about Maugan, Sacha and Carlos? They will be explained later on in the story, but I'd love to know your theories about them before we get up to there. It might be obvious already, but Ronon and M are going to have a very different relationship to Ronon and Rodney, it'll develop as the story goes on.
Please comment if you're reading, it lets me know you're interested and I tend to give more attention to posting the stories people are interested in.
Take care