Hi all, sorry I've been away for a few weeks, I've been working on an original story and it's had me really occupied, I'm considering converting it into a John Rodney story so I can post it up here, let me know if you're interested in reading it.
Anyway onto the story. I didn't realise quite how long this chapter was until I'd moved it all to another document, I thought I'd get SG1's reaction to M in this chapter but it won't be until the next one now.
WARNING NAUGHTY SCENES AHEAD, or there would be but this is ffnet and they don't let us post them here. I have them up on Ao3 if you want to read them, sorry I can't post them here feel free to PM me for the link to the chapter on Ao3 if you'd like me to send it. Not John and M yet, that's not far off I promise, this is a different couple, one I've never really played with before but thought I'd have a go with in this story. I'd love to hear what you think.
Okay, here we go.
Revelations
"Sam, do you have a minute?"
Sam looked up hearing Daniel's voice and smiled at her best friend. There were still a few days until Elizabeth left thanks to everything that had happened with Cherry, and Sam had been enjoying the chance to read about some of the projects the science team were currently undertaking. She had been keeping up with all of it so she could give M a thorough briefing when she got back to work, but she was doing it for her own enjoyment as well. This was where she belonged and she wanted to get back to it. Leadership was fine, but she wanted to be a scientist.
"Hey, Daniel, I always have a minute for you," she replied brightly. She closed the computer as he walked into the office and sat down across from her, thinking the door closed behind him. "This must be like heaven for you," she said, motioning to the city around them.
"It is incredible, I still can't believe I'm finally here," Daniel replied with a smile, but it died after a few moments and he became serious. "Sam, there's something I want to talk to you about."
"Okay, is something wrong?" she asked, concerned about nervous he suddenly looked.
"Wrong no, I just … I'm not sure how to … start …" he trailed off for a moment, looking thoughtful. "Sam … what is going on with you and Jack?" he finally asked.
Sam felt pain slash through her and she thought back to the last time she'd seen Jack before she left to come to Atlantis. He'd told her to move on, to let go of the fantasy she had of them and find something better for herself. He wasn't unkind about it, he was very gentle, but he made sure there was no room for misinterpretation or hope and the finality of it all had really hurt. "Nothing," she replied, looking down. "And there never will be."
"I'm sorry, I know he meant a lot to you," Daniel said sympathetically. "Can I ask you a question though? And please don't misunderstand because I'm not trying to be callous about this, I respect your feelings, but did you ever really see anything happening between you two? Or do you think having Jack around was a convenient way to avoid getting closer to someone else?"
Sam almost laughed humourlessly as she remembered Jack saying something almost exactly along those lines to her. "I don't know to be honest, Jack thinks so and I know Pete did too," she replied.
"Yeah, but Pete, as much as he was a nice man, really wasn't any more suited to you than Jack, was he? He reminded me of Jack in a lot of ways and I did wonder whether that was why you liked him in the first place; he was a kind of … stand in," Daniel said gently, and as much as the words could be taken badly, Sam knew Daniel and he wasn't trying to be unkind; he was just being honest which was something she always appreciated about him, and really, he was probably right.
"Yeah, I guess you're right," she agreed quietly.
"Can I ask you something else?"
"Sure," she agreed easily.
"If Jack hadn't existed, or you just didn't feel about him the way you do, do you think … you ever would have thought of … me that way?" he asked hesitantly.
Sam looked up at him surprised but he wasn't looking at her now, he was looking down at his hands.
"Because as much as I like Jack, and you know I do he's one of my closest friends, I never thought he was a good fit for you. He's a nice guy but he's very … simple. And I'm not being mean it's one of the best parts about him, there's nothing to misunderstand or misread, what you see is what you get, but it also means there's not a lot under the surface of what makes him tick, and … I don't think someone like that would ever really make you happy. You're smart, Sam, really smart and could you honestly tell me that spending your life with someone like that would make you happy? What would you do together on your days off? What would you talk about aside from work? What do you have in common? Is someone like that really what you want?"
Was it? Sam had never really thought about it that way. She'd been in love with Jack for so long but known there was really no way she could have him, so she'd never considered what a relationship between them would really look like. Could she have ever been happy with him?
"Look, I know this is coming completely out of nowhere for you, I doubt you've ever even thought about me this way, but I like you, Sam, honestly I … love you. And I've never said if before because I wanted to respect your feelings for Jack and give you a chance to at least try, but we're here now, Jack's back on Earth and he won't be coming to join us; whereas we want to stay here for … hopefully a long time. It's a new start for us and we could make it a completely new start … if you wanted to."
He finally looked up at her again, his blue eyes looking nervous but so sincere. "You have been my friend for a long time, you know me and I know you, we've been through almost every imaginable horror together and we've seen the best and the worst of each other. At the beginning I was mourning Sha're, then you had feelings for Jack, then you had Pete and I had Sarah, but that's all gone now. I loved my wife, but ultimately, I think that, just like you, I need someone more intellectually matched to me to be truly happy. We have different disciplines, but we're both intelligent, educated people and we can appreciate each other's interests. I could go with you to a museum or a science convention and have an intelligent conversation with you about what we were looking at. We could to a show or the theatre and appreciate the culture or an art exhibit and discuss what we were looking at with thoughtfulness. I would love you and cherish you and be there for you in ways Jack never could and I think you know that. I would share my life with you, that's something Jack can't do, and honestly, he could have tried. You two could have been together every night you weren't at work and who was really going to know? But I doubt he ever made any effort to do it, because Jack's life was with Sarah and Charlie and he couldn't give it someone else. You deserve more than that, Sam, you deserve all the love and devotion someone can give you and I would give you that."
Sam looked back at him with tears in her eyes and he reached across the table to gently touch her hand. "I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you, but even if you could never care about me that way, you deserve more than the dream of a person, you deserve something real. If you were willing to let me try and make you happy, I would love you and be there for you forever, even if you can never fully love me back. Just think about it, okay, please," he asked sadly, getting up from the chair and leaving the room, thinking the door shut behind him.
Sam thought the door locked and sat back in her chair, letting the shock and pain wash over her. She had so much to think about, but right in the front of her mind was one obvious truth.
Daniel was right about Jack, he really would never be able to give her what she wanted and accepting that hurt, a lot.
She folded her arms across each other and buried her face in them as the tears fell.
XX
Sam walked out of the transporter and along the corridor, heading for what she hoped was the right door. She'd been thinking about what Daniel had said for hours and she had no idea what she wanted to do. She was so confused about it all, but the person she usually spoke to about things like this was … well Daniel. Aside from Janet he'd always been her best friend and without him to talk things out with she'd been at a loss.
She had to talk to someone though, and after what felt like hours of trying to work out who would be the best person to confide in and help her see the way, the answer had finally come to her. It sounded crazy, in fact it probably was crazy, but there was only one person she could really think of who might be able to give her some perspective.
She reached the door and rang the chime, hoping she wasn't disturbing the people inside. After a few seconds the door sang open and Sheppard stood in front of her looking surprised. "Colonel, what brings you by?" he asked curiously.
"Hi, Sheppard, I was actually wondering whether I might be able to talk to M for a minute?" she asked.
"Oh, sure, come in," he replied, moving aside to let her pass and waving the door closed behind her. "Mere, Colonel Carter's here to see you," he said, leading the way over to the bed that M was sitting up in. She looked tired and pale but so much better than she had days ago when Sam had gone to see her in the infirmary.
"Hey, Sam, how are you?" M asked with a soft smile.
"I'm all right, how are you?" Sam asked, moving over to stand beside the bed.
"Better, I can stay awake for a few hours at a time now, it's like Christmas," M replied with an infectious smile that Sam couldn't help returning.
"Glad to hear you're improving," she replied, not able to hold on to the smile for long. She looked down for a minute and missed the silent communication that passed between John and M.
"I'm going to duck next door and see if Ronon wants to go for a run, I'll go back to my old room and grab the rest of my stuff on the way back," John said with an easy smile.
"I still can't believe you have so few things," M said with shake of her head.
"When you live on military bases your entire life, there's not a lot of room for a lot of things," he explained, sitting down on the bed beside her and reaching out to gently touch her face. "If you need me to come back, call, I won't be far," he said softly, leaning forward to kiss her.
Sam watched them in amazement. She'd seen them out on the pier together and she'd seen John at her bedside when she was in the infirmary, but she'd never seen them behave this intimately and it blew her mind. She knew with certainty though that she'd made the right decision with who to talk to about her current dilemma. If anyone could understand what she was going through or help her reason her way through it, it would be McKay.
After a few moments John pulled away and bid Sam a good day as he left the room. When the door was shut behind him, M reached down to the side of the bed and pulled up what looked like a couch back, passing it to Sam and motioning to the end of the bed. "We're going to get a couch, but in the meantime if you put that against the baseboard at the end it makes a pretty comfortable place to sit, and then we can face each other while we talk," she explained.
Sam took the cushion thing and put it where she'd suggested, sitting down on the end of the bed and leaning back against it. M was right, it was comfortable. "Thanks."
"You're welcome, I have a feeling this isn't going to be a short conversation and you should be comfortable," M replied.
"Thanks, I appreciate it … Look I … I didn't want to bother you, particularly not with a … personal problem, but there's no one else here I could think of to talk to and … I think you'd be the best person to talk it out with and get a perspective from," Sam explained, looking up at M apologetically. "It is my personal life though, so if you'd rather I didn't-"
"Sam it's fine, really. I'm sitting here bored out of my mind because Carson won't even let me read for another two days. Having something to ponder over is actually something my brain is really excited about. Talk to me about anything you want, I don't mind," M offered, sitting back and looking at Sam patiently.
Sam sighed, "You and John, I'm assuming before you were a couple you were friends for quite a while first?" Sam asked.
"He's been my best friend for the last several years, yes," M confirmed.
Sam nodded, "I know it's a personal question, but how did you know it was a good idea to become more than friends? Was it a hard decision? Was it hard to make the transition to a different kind of relationship? Was it awkward at all?" she asked. "I know I'm asking a lot I just … want to know how you handled it."
M looked thoughtful, "At the beginning it as hard, but that was because I had never thought of John that way while I was a man," she explained. "I was a very straight man and the thought of being in a relationship with one had never even entered my mind. When John told me he was in love with me it completely threw me and I had to go away and really think about how I felt about him and whether I could make the transition to a different kind of relationship, as you said. Once I'd really thought about it and realised I did care about him that way, it was a different story. Realistically it's only been a short time we've actually gotten to spend together, but it's been the best time of my life."
She paused, looking thoughtful. "There's no preamble or stressing about what this person thinks of you, or whether you need to portray yourself a certain way to make a good impression. John knows me, and I know him, we've been through everything together by now and we still love each other; there's something so freeing about that. Plus, we know we're compatible, we've already spent so much time together so we know what we have in common as well as what's different about us, which is enough to make things interesting. It's so hard to know that when you first meet someone, you have to feel all of that out, when they're already your friend, you already know it. It's been amazing, honestly, and not awkward at all," she finished, looking over at Sam curiously. "Do you mind me asking who?"
"Daniel," Sam replied honestly.
"Ah, I see. I wondered whether you were going to say Jack, I know you always had feelings for him," M replied and Sam looked up at her surprised.
"Did everyone know?" she asked.
"Genius remember," M said by way of explanation. "And let's be honest, I did pay a lot of attention to you."
Sam chuckled, 'Yes, I suppose that's true."
"So, what's holding you back?" M asked.
"In some ways, the same things you said, wondering whether I can make the transition to a different kind of relationship, but also being worried about it falling flat and ruining our friendship. Also though, there's Jack … you were right about me there," she confirmed. "I've loved him for so long and I know he has feelings for me, but … nothing ever came of it. I saw him not long before I left to come here and he told me to give up on us, it'll never happen and I have to move on. He said I was using him as an excuse not to get involved with anyone else, and funnily enough Daniel said the same thing. It hurt, a lot, but then Daniel asked me this afternoon whether I could honestly have ever seen Jack and I having anything real together and that threw me. He'd always been something unattainable so I'd never really thought about it, now that I have … I don't know what to think."
"Can I say something without sounding mean?" M asked and Sam nodded.
"Go ahead, even if it's mean. I came in here to talk to you, I wouldn't have if I wasn't prepared for a few barbs," Sam said honestly.
"Sam I wouldn't be intentionally hurtful to you, not during a conversation like this. You've always been someone special to me, I've never wanted to see you hurt in any way. Look, what I was going to say, and funnily enough that actually leads quite well into it, is that one of the reasons I pursued you so doggedly was because you would be completely wasted on someone like O'Neill. Sam you're so special, you're brilliant, you're beautiful, you're brave and loyal and ridiculously intelligent. You are an incredible person and as much as I don't want to be mean to O'Neill here, what could he possibly have to offer someone like you? Some hot sex, maybe, outside of that what is there?"
M took a deep breath and let it out slowly, looking thoughtful. "Look, I know it sounds harsh, but he would only drag you down; I know that because you're like me, even more so now that I'm a woman as well. You need someone who can keep up with you intellectually, as least somewhat, Jack could never do that and we both know it. John is a lot like Jack in some ways, they're both laidback, loyal, open, honest sorts of people, they don't take things too seriously they use humour to diffuse situations and to keep people at arms-length when they want to. They both like beer and the Simpsons and simple things like that, but unlike O'Neill John has so much more depth underneath all of that. He's smart, Mensa level smart, which means while he can't always understand what I'm talking about, he can understand a lot of it. I don't have to dumb everything I say down to primary school level just to get him to follow along, you know as well as I do how rare that is in someone as beautiful and otherwise brilliant as John is. I have never met a man more perfect than John, he's remarkable, and that's good because if he wasn't, all the love in the world couldn't keep our relationship together. I honestly think you need someone like that too, Sam, and while Daniel isn't in the same realm of genius as you and I live in, he's an intelligent, cultured, well-educated, good-looking man, and he would be a far better match for you than O'Neill."
Sam sighed, closing her eyes and leaning back against the pillow. "Yeah, Daniel said the same thing," she replied.
"Glad to hear it," M replied. "But you're still not sure?"
Sam shook her head, "Daniel's amazing, believe me I know, he's an incredible person and I care about him a lot; I'm just not sure I can see us as anything other than friends."
"I get that," M replied understandingly. "Actually, while I was going through this, my friend Sacha had me do an exercise of sorts to help sort out my feelings. Do you want to try it?"
"Sure," Sam replied, figuring she had nothing left to lose.
"All right, get comfortable and close your eyes," M directed and Sam did as she was asked. "Okay, I'm assuming you have things you want out of a relationship? I'm going to do this a little different to Sacha because your situation isn't quite the same as mine. I want you to think about everything you could want out of a relationship, marriage, kids, holidays, spending time together, whatever, I want you to visualise it in your mind."
"Okay," Sam agreed doing exactly that.
"Now I want you to imagine doing those things with Jack, but I don't want you to sugar coat it or put the rose-coloured glasses on, I want you to think about it from your most realistic view of the man," M directed.
Sam did it and nodded, "Okay."
"Okay, now I want you to do the same with Daniel, imagine all of those things from as realistic a view as you can."
Sam did that too. "Okay."
"Now, without trying to control anything or overthink anything, I want you to compare the two and tell me how they make you feel. How does it feel to have these things with Jack? How does it feel to have them with Daniel? Which looks better to you without any fantasy images clouding your mind?" M asked.
Sam went through it all, putting the two options up side by side in her mind and studying them. She imagined being with them both physically, she imagined spending time with them and taking holidays with them. She imagined marrying them, living with them and she paid attention to how it made her feel. When she finally opened her eyes and looked at M who was watching her patiently, all she could say was, "Wow."
"Yeah, a bit of a shock, isn't it?" M asked. "You should have seen me at the end of that. It was a little different, I was using the things I'd wanted to do in my other relationships and just viewing them with John in their place, not comparing two people, but actually seeing it all in my mind made things a lot clearer."
Sam looked away, tears slipping down her face. "I can't believe I've wasted so much of my life," she said self-deprecatingly. "Why did I never stop and really think about this before?"
"Love does crazy things to people, so does infatuation. Do you think it was really love, or were you just … infatuated with something you'd built him up to be?" M asked.
Sam took a shaky breath, "Honestly, I don't know anymore," Sam replied.
"It's hard not to build people up in our heads sometimes, and when we do it makes us either blind to the people around us or makes us try to change the people we're with to suit that ideal in our heads. Being in this body now I see things differently and I know I put you up on a pedestal for a long time. Katie and I never would have worked out because she would never have matched up to you in my head. Jennifer was closer, but I don't honestly think anyone would have reached that ideal. I mean you're brilliant, Sam, but I'm sure I idealized you far too much," she said, shaking her head at herself.
"One of the best things about John being a man is that I'll never compare him to you, but crazily enough, if I did, he'd be the only person who would beat you. Sam, you're an incredible woman, even in this body, which is mostly straight, if I didn't have John, I'd still pursue you … just probably with a bit more tact. Don't settle for an ideal, you deserve to have someone remarkable to spend your life with. If you think there's any chance that person could be Daniel then go for it, take the chance and see where it leads. Yeah, it might not work out, but that's a chance you take in every relationship, and you're both intelligent enough adults that if it doesn't, I think your friendship would still be okay."
Sam wiped her eyes and moved over to where M was. Sitting herself down beside the other woman she gave her a one-armed hug. "Thanks, Rodney … sorry, M."
"Hey, I'll take Rodney over Meredith," M replied and Sam laughed.
"Just FYI, you make a damn good-looking woman, McKay," Sam said and M chuckled this time.
"Not to toot my own horn here, but … damn, right? It almost makes me wish I was born a woman," M replied and Sam laughed. They sat there in silence for a while, then M asked, "So, can we be friends now?"
Sam chuckled, "We were friends before, McKay," she admonished.
"Oh no we weren't and you know it. I idealized you and you barely tolerated me. I think we'd get along better now. I'm much more patient and much less stalkery," M replied and Sam laughed again.
"All right then, friends," she agreed and M smiled tiredly at her.
"So, what are you going to do about Daniel?" M asked.
"I'm not sure," Sam replied honestly.
"You know what I think you should do?" M asked.
"What?"
"Go and hump his brains out," M replied and Sam cracked up laughing.
"I'm serious, that's what I'd be doing with John if I was allowed and I wasn't …"
"Wasn't what?" Sam asked half worried half curious.
"Kind of terrified," M replied in a small voice. "Don't get me wrong I'd love to, John is … so far beyond perfect and I know he'd look after me; but I've never done that in this body and it scares me," M admitted, looking down at her hands. "How do you get past the nerves?" she asked.
"How did you get past them in your other body?" Sam asked.
"Raging libido and I was a teenager," M replied. "But that was different, I was a man then and everyone knows most men are basically walking hormones. Now I'm a woman and that's something going … inside my body, and I've heard the first time hurts a lot. I know it's a really personal question but I have no idea who else to ask, what was it like for you the first time? Was it really unpleasant?" M asked looking up at her again.
Sam thought about it, "It was a little uncomfortable, but I was also a teenager with another very inexperienced teenager. The better someone is at it the better it feels in general, and that won't be any different the first time. The best thing is that it only gets better after the first time, so even if it's a little uncomfortable, every time after that will improve until it just feels amazing; as long as you have a good lover of course and John doesn't strike me as the kind not to be a good lover. That kiss before was really sweet, you don't think of people like John as being sweet until you actually see it. But if he kisses like that, I imagine everything else he did intimately would be just as sweet."
"He is a great kisser," M agreed. "I know I've only kissed women before, but he's still the best kisser I've ever had. He says the same about me which is nice," she sighed, looking down at her hands again. "He's so patient and wonderful, I love him so much … I'm just so scared that he'll disappear. I'm sorry, you don't need to hear about all of this."
"Hey, it's fine. I just came here and laid out all my personal issues for you to help me with, I'm perfectly fine with returning the favour. Besides, that's what friends do, particularly when you're a woman," Sam assured her. "It's natural to feel insecure about something we cherish sometimes, everyone does it, but I don't think you have to worry about John going anywhere. I saw the way he looked at you and spoke to you before, not to mention the number of hours he's spent camped out at your bedside this last week or so, it's obvious he loves you and I don't see him giving that up for anything. As for the intimacy side of things just give yourself time, people don't usually get new bodies at our age, of course you're going to need time to adjust. The one piece of advice I'll give you is to wait until you feel ready, but don't wait to feel not nervous at all, because that will never happen. And when it's happening, remember to relax, it always feels better when you're relaxed, and try to remember what it was like for you when you were a man being with a woman, what would have helped you make it better for her? And do the things you wished women had done for you, whether that was talk more, or whatever."
M smiled, "Thanks, Sam," she replied, leaning her head gently against Sam's shoulder.
Sam smiled back, tightening her hold on the other woman. She was pretty sure she'd like having this new McKay as a friend. She looked forward to seeing what it was like working with her, particularly when she went to civilian status.
Now she just had to decide what to do about Daniel.
XX
Daniel was lying on the bed in his room, staring at the ocean through the glass sliding door. Normally he'd be working, but right now he couldn't focus on anything except Sam.
He'd been wanting to broach the subject of them for a long time, but there never seemed to be the right occasion and he'd decided to just go for it anyway. That had been three days ago now and he hadn't seen or spoken to Sam at all in that time. He was pretty sure she was avoiding him and he couldn't blame her for that, it had come out of left field for her and there had been parts of the conversation where he'd been a little blunt. He'd had to be though, she deserved more, even if it wasn't with him.
He blinked back the tears that were stinging his eyes. After Sha're had died he'd never thought he'd be happy again. Sam had barely even known him then, but she'd been a ray of sunshine in the darkness that was his life and her friendship had helped him so much. He hadn't noticed he'd been falling in love with her, in fact it wasn't until the day Jack admitted to having feelings for her that he noticed his own, and by then it was too late.
So, he hadn't said anything, but as the years went on he'd watched her pine for Jack and watched the way Jack tried to steer her away and even tried to date someone else himself, but at the same time kept pulling her back in. Daniel hadn't wanted to be cruel to Sam by saying anything so he'd eventually told Jack that it wasn't fair and he had to either follow through or let her go. Daniel hadn't told Jack that he had feelings for her, that wasn't the point, he just didn't want to see her get her heart anymore broken or bruised. She was an incredible person and she deserved better.
He knew something had happened between them before they left, Jack had come to the SGC to see them all and he'd spoken to Sam alone. He'd left right after that conversation looking rather grim and Sam had been really quiet ever since.
He'd thought about waiting until they'd been on Atlantis a little longer, but with Elizabeth still around Sam wasn't under as much stress as she was going to be soon and he thought it would be better to talk to her about it when she didn't have the responsibility of looking after the entire city on her plate. So he'd done it, and now all he could do was hope he hadn't completely destroyed their friendship.
A knock on the door surprised him and figuring it was probably Vala, who had been at him the last few days about why he was so quiet, he took a deep breath and got up to answer the door. When it slid open and he instead came face to face with Sam, Daniel was more than a little shocked.
"Uh … hi," he breathed.
"Hi, can I come in?" she asked, a nervous expression in her lovely, blue eyes.
"Of course," Daniel replied, moving back to let her in and thinking the door closed behind him. She wasn't in her uniform, she was in something soft and casual and she had her hair down; he almost never saw her like that, he liked it.
For a few minutes they studied each other silently. Daniel had no idea what to say so he waited to see what she'd say instead. In the end she didn't say anything, she reached up to take his face in her hands and kissed him.
His heart raced in his chest and his mind went blank of anything except the feeling of her lips against his. He kissed her back, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her closer. It felt so good to hold her, to feel her body pressed up against his; it was so intoxicating. He didn't think about what he was doing before his hands started wandering over her back, sliding up into her hair and around to her hip. She was touching him as well, her hands gliding down the side of his chest and around the back of his head, grasping his hair and pulling him close as he deepened the kiss, drinking her down, wanting as much of her as he could get.
She was so beautiful, so incredible, his Sam and she was right here in his arms; he never wanted to let her go. Before he knew it her hands were sliding up under his shirt and pushing it up his chest. He barely thought about it before he yanked it off him and as he got it over his head- losing his glasses in the process- and dropped it to the floor, he saw that she'd taken hers off as well and his eyes widened in awe; she was completely naked from the waist up.
XXX Naughty Scene Erased, Sorry XXX
Daniel lay above her with his face buried in her neck and floated on a wave of bliss as long as his overactive mind would allow. it snapped him back to reality like an overstretched rubber band much sooner than he'd like and he realised he'd just had sex with his best friend, who may not actually feel anything other than friendship for him.
His mind screamed out for him to say something, but he had no idea what he'd say. He pulled out and moved from above her, lying down on his back beside her. What do you say to your best friend who you've just slept with?
She rolled onto her side and cuddled up to him, resting her head on his chest, and he decided words could wait until tomorrow; tonight, he was going to pretend this was something real. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her close and kissing her hair, burying his face in it. This was what he wanted; he was going to hold on to it as long as he could.
XX
Sam woke up the next morning feeling amazing, relaxed and well rested in ways she hadn't in a long time. Daniel's body was wrapped around her back, his arm holding her tightly and his face buried in her hair. It felt so good to be in his arms, feeling his skin against hers. It was crazy to think she'd never thought of him as anything other than a friend, the man was gorgeous and she felt so much for him. She'd never noticed because she'd been so caught up in her … infatuation with Jack, but Daniel was pretty damn perfect; gorgeous, kind, smart and funny, why wouldn't she want him?
Not to mention the sex, God, he'd made her body sing. If that was what she had to look forward to for the rest of their relationship she was going to be a happy woman indeed. Just thinking about it was making her body prepare itself for him again and she closed her eyes and let her mind and body sink into the memories. She wanted him inside her again, wanted to feel those magic fingers dance across her skin.
Pressing back against him she noticed his half hard cock resting against her arse and a wicked thought occurred to her. Moving her body into just the right position she reached back and guided him inside her.
XXX Yes there was morning after nookie that I've also had to erase, sorry XXX
They lay there together for the longest time afterwards, basking in the afterglow. After a few minutes she felt it though, a tension in his body. She'd felt it last night as well, before he'd rolled away from her, and she'd followed him, trying to show him that she was there in case he wanted to talk about them. When he'd pulled her close instead and hadn't said anything she'd been relieved, not because she didn't want to talk to him, but because she was so tired after days of not really sleeping, she really hadn't had the mental energy to talk right then.
Now the tension was back and she could almost hear the cogs turning in his head. What did he think about her being there? Was he upset? She had just kind of leapt on him the night before because her mind just wouldn't supply the right words to say at that moment, but when things had gotten so heated between them so quickly, she'd pushed all thoughts of talking completely out of her mind and let herself enjoy the night.
He'd still be waiting for an explanation of course, and were she in his shoes she'd want one too; he was probably confused as hell.
She felt him start to pull away but she grabbed the arm that was wrapped around her and held him firm, "Don't go," she said quietly.
"I think I have to, Sam," he replied and she could hear his voice was shaking slightly.
"Why?" she asked, trying to turn over and look at him, but the arm around her stopped her.
"Because I don't want to watch you leave, I don't want to see that this meant nothing to you," he replied. "I should have stopped it last night, but I didn't because I wanted to pretend, just for one night, even though I knew it would kill me this morning. I shouldn't have, but I did and now I can't … can't watch you leave."
"No, no, no, hey," she squirmed in his grip and he finally let her go, moving quickly from behind her and sitting up on the side of the bed facing away from her. He started to get up but she wrapped her arms around his chest, stopping him. She lay her head against his back, "Why would you think this meant nothing to me? Why would you think I was going to leave?" she asked
"Most of the time when people turn up at your door late at night and don't say much of anything … it's not anything serious or permanent they want," he replied with a hint of bitterness and Sam cringed, thinking about what that would normally mean and how it probably looked from his end.
"Okay, I can understand what you're saying, but that's not what it's like at all," she assured him. "I can see how it probably looked that way, but it's not. I came here to talk to you, I truly did, but when I saw you I realised I had absolutely no idea what to say. I was trying to think of a way to tell you that you were right, that I was holding on to something that was never going to be anything and even if it were it would never have made me happy. That I care about you and as much as I'd never looked past my … whatever it was with Jack to consider anyone else before, I have now and I realised you mean more to me than I ever imagined and that I could actually see us being happy together. I wanted to say that I'm sorry I can't tell you I love you straight away, because that's something I'll need to build up to, and I know it won't take me long, but that I want to be with you and I hoped it would be okay with you if I took a little while to say it back."
She hugged him tighter. "I wanted to say all of these things, but my mind just went blank, because when I'm actually paying attention to you properly, you're far too beautiful and it distracts me. So, I did the only thing I could think to do, I tried to show you how I felt. I didn't think about how it might look for you with me not saying anything, but I never meant it to hurt you or make you feel bad. Please, come back and hold me," she beseeched.
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly, reaching up with shaking hands to touch hers. "Are you sure this is what you want?" he asked. "I love you to more than anything, Sam, but I know, regardless of what I said the other day, that I'm not perfect and there are probably people out there better for you than I am. I want to be with you so much, but mostly I just want to see you happy and I know that's not with Jack. I don't just want you to settle for me because I'm here and you know I love you; I want you to want me back."
"Daniel, have I ever struck you as the one nighter/casual type? I'm definitely not and I wouldn't do that to you, I know you're not that type either. I wouldn't be here if I didn't want you. You've been my best friend for years; I know what an incredible person you are and I would never feel like I was settling with you. I already love you, just in a different way, all I need to get that to transition to the romantic kind of love is to be with you in different ways and that's what I want to do." She said softly. "Please come back, hold me for a while, talk to me," she asked. "You can ask me anything you want to know or talk to me about anything, that's what I'm here to do."
Daniel turned back to look at her and she could see tears in his eyes as he studied her shrewdly.
"Are you sure this is what you want?" he asked.
"Yes, I'm sure," she replied.
"All right then," he replied with a nod, looking down for a few moments and swiping at his eyes. He turned around to face her and pulled her into a heart stopping kiss which she readily returned. "You are … far too beautiful, you know that right?" he asked her.
"Thanks, you too," she replied with a grin. "Oh and uh … we are going to be having a lot of sex, every chance we get, just a heads up."
A grin spread across Daniel's face and he raised an eyebrow at her. "Like that did you?"
"Oh yeah," she replied with a nod. "That was … how are you so good at that?" she asked.
"I am very intelligent remember," he reminded her. "And you are very responsive, it's hot as hell and it definitely helps."
"Hmmm, I'll remember that," she replied, thinking about the noises she'd been making last night and this morning. She hadn't been paying all that much attention to them, but it was good that he liked them.
"I also love hearing you say my name … it was good to know I wasn't just a body while your mind was … elsewhere," Daniel said quietly.
"I wouldn't do that to you, Daniel," she assured him, reaching out to gently touch his face. "That's just cruel and you're my best friend, why would I want to be cruel to you? I promise, you are all I've thought about for the last several days, well, almost, I had a few other things to work through first. Funnily enough McKay was really helpful with sorting that out."
He looked at her incredulously. "McKay? Really, you asked him for help with this?" he asked as if she were insane and Sam laughed as she remembered that Daniel and the others didn't know about M being McKay yet.
"Oh, yeah I forgot, you guys don't know about McKay yet."
"Know what?" Daniel asked suspiciously.
XX
M's strength steadily increased and at last Carson was happy to let her leave her room and read things. Nothing too strenuous though, only basic things, he didn't want her stressing her brain. She wasn't sure if that was really necessary, but because the healing they'd done to M's brain was completely unprecedented he was taking every precaution, and as hard as it was for M to be patient she loved her brain and she didn't want to do anything that might damage it in any way. She may have been going stir crazy, but at least when this was over she'd be able to get back to herself.
When she woke up on Sunday morning it was to the sound of waves crashing on the pier outside their open balcony door and John's incredible arms wrapped around her, holding her against his equally incredible body.
He was so amazing. Being his friend had been wonderful, but being in a relationship with him was absolutely magical. He knew her so well, everything she liked everything she didn't, and he was so sweet, always thinking about her and what she might want or need. He'd had the first few days of her recovery at home with her and when he'd had to go back to work he'd done everything possible to make sure she was looked after in his absence and only did the things he absolutely had to so he could be with her as much as possible.
Today was Sunday, nobody worked on Sunday unless it was absolutely necessary, so they had the day off together and that was why John was still beside her in bed. On work days he was usually up and running with Ronon, and often Carlos and Sacha, well before M even roused.
A few days earlier he'd asked her to explain Carlos, Sacha and Maughan to him, so she had. It had been a funny conversation, mostly because she'd been so shocked when she'd first met them and now she was so used to them, whereas John, of course, had been in that shocked stage and seeing him shocked was adorable. She still remembered the conversation word for word.
XX
"So, I want to ask you something."
They were lying together on the bed but for once M wasn't sleeping, she actually had the energy to be awake for a while and she was taking advantage of it, lying on his chest and enjoying the feeling of his fingers carding through her hair.
"Of course," she agreed easily.
"Carlos, Sacha and Maughan, aside from being ridiculously curious about them in general, I'm also really curious about you and them … while you were back on Earth. I will admit to feeling a bit … insecure about us considering you've apparently been … living with them and everything. I mean I may be straight but I'm not blind and well … Carlos and Sacha are both very attractive men and Maughan is gorgeous … and I know you're not completely straight in this body. You told me you've never done anything in this body, and it's not that I don't believe you, but I wondered if perhaps you just didn't want to tell me you had. I know that's not a question but I'm sure you can understand what I'm asking," John said sounding nervous and M could understand why he was asking. If John had been living with someone like Maughan M would have had her doubts as well.
She pulled out of his arms and crawled up the bed so she was looking in his eyes. "There has never been anybody but you," she assured him. "And I never want anybody but you. John, you're … I don't think there's really a word good enough to describe how beautiful you are to me. I'm not a wordsmith, Jackson might know one maybe I'll ask him one day. Look, that doesn't matter, the point is as pretty as Sacha, Carlos and Maughan are, they've got nothing on you, not to me. I don't want you to feel insecure about us, particularly not because of my friends, it'll just make you unhappy and I don't want that. I'll tell you this a thousand times if you need me to, I don't want you to doubt it, okay."
She could see the insecurity in his eyes and she realised she'd seen it a couple of times before but hadn't known what it meant. She'd have to keep an eye out for it in the future.
"Okay," he agreed, but she could hear that he wasn't entirely convinced.
"John, I hadn't even kissed anybody in this body before you, I certainly hadn't had sex. Don't get me wrong there were plenty of offers, but I think deep down I always knew I loved you and it didn't matter who was asking, I never wanted anyone else touching me. Do you remember how I asked if I could hug you that night out on my old balcony?" she asked and he nodded. "Maughan and the guys had given me hugs before, but they were simple, friendly interactions, exactly as I feel hugging Carson and how you'd feel hugging Teyla and they were never long because I'm not that great having people in my space. When you held me that night, I just wanted it to last forever and it killed me letting you go the next day. I walked back through the gate and I felt empty, like I'd left half of myself behind and when I got back to the pentagon and Carlos and the others were there to take me home, they gave me a hug to say hello, and again later when I was back at the house and upset about having to leave Atlantis again, and all I kept thinking was how I wished it was you. No one makes me feel the way you do, no one ever has. Please believe me, I don't want you to spend the rest of our lives worrying about this."
She leant down to kiss him and he kissed her back, an edge of desperation coming through. She answered it with love, stroking her fingers through his hair. "There's only you, John," she whispered, holding his gaze and letting him see all the love and desire she felt for him.
He stroked her face reverently, "I'm sorry, I don't want it to sound like I'm doubting you," he replied.
"And it doesn't, I know what insecurity feels like. Tell me something though, Maughan flirts with you all the time and so does Vala, should I be worried about you and them?" she asked.
"They do?" John asked, looking genuinely surprised.
"Well yeah, I'm pretty sure it's just how they communicate," M replied.
"Oh, I hadn't noticed … but no, of course not. I love you, M, I've always loved you, I haven't even thought about anyone else in … God, years. Even before I came to Atlantis and fell in love with you there hadn't been anyone else for a really long time," John replied.
"Chaya?" she reminded him.
"Oh … honestly I'd forgotten about her," John replied thoughtfully. "That wasn't really feeling, I'm pretty sure that was more curiosity and ancient voodoo," he replied and M laughed. "But okay, I get your point. I think I'm just … not used to loving someone this much, I didn't even love my ex-wife this much, it's making me feel a bit … out of my depth I suppose would be the best way to describe it. It's hard to navigate something that's so new to me."
"Trust me, I get that," M replied and John looked back at her with a nod.
"Of course you do," he acquiesced. "I'm sorry, you're absolutely right, I have no right to be complaining about being out of my depth right now."
"Hey, I never said that, I'm just saying I understand," M assured him. "Everyone feels like that sometimes, just like everyone feels insecure sometimes, even Maughan, Sacha and Carlos, although you'd never know it, just like no one else would ever know it about you. Have you seen you? There's nothing to be insecure about, you couldn't get any hotter, trust me."
John looked back at her incredulously, "You know I've never worried about my looks before, it's not something I define myself by, but still, I'm sure there's room for improvement." He looked up at his hair, "This for example."
M shook her head, "Nope, that just makes you hotter," she assured him. "It gives you a … more naughty, less perfectly groomed military edge and that is hot as hell. John, do you have any idea how hard it is to resist you? If I didn't still feel half dead I think we'd be getting it on, no matter how mildly terrified I still am by the prospect."
He looked at her seriously, "But I wouldn't, I don't want you to be scared of me, ever," he said softly.
M sighed, "I know, it doesn't make it any easier though, I just want to …" she reached her hands out to touch him then pulled them back with a noise of frustration shaking her head. "That's what you do to me, you make me want you even though I'm scared, so … stop worrying about how you look, okay, you're perfect just as you are."
"Okay, I get it," he replied, kissing her gently. "Let's talk about something else. Maughan, Carlos and Sacha, explain the curiosity that is those three."
"Okay, to put it simply they are a polyamorous triad. They are three people in a consensual, ethically non monogamous relationship that live together, sleep together and have a commitment to each other while also seeing other people," she explained.
"Whoa, that's … whoa. I don't think I've ever heard of that before," John replied looking shocked, and M laughed.
"It's not overly common place that's for sure. Carlos and Sacha don't generally go out looking for other partners, they're pretty settled with each other and Maughan, but Maughan is pretty much insatiable, which is why she needs two men and as many other people as she can find. She prefers women, but as you've seen will take a man if he meets her criteria, but it doesn't happen often," M explained.
"But you've never...?"
"No. Like I said there were offers, the very first time I met Maughan she offered, and both Carlos and Sacha offered. It was an open invitation, I could have taken them up on it anytime I wanted to, but I never did. I don't think of any of them that way, and as much as they're my friends and I care about them all a great deal, they are far too high maintenance and a bit too … feminine. Like, they're all beautiful people, that's obvious, but if I'm in a relationship with a man I want a man who looks very much like a man, like you. You pull at every female instinct and feeling I have, they don't and they never have. Maughan is beautiful, but again too high maintenance, and I never really had any interest in going there. It's only ever been you, John. Even when Sam came to see me the other day, she hugged me at one stage and there was nothing; she's the one person in the universe I thought would always tempt me. She's incredible and if I didn't have you, sure, I'd still go there, but I have you and … I don't want anyone or anything else."
John had given her a cheeky smile, "Really? I'm actually beating Samantha Carter, hottest woman in two galaxies?" he asked, mimicking Rodney's old words.
"Yes, you are," M replied, not falling for the ribbing and looking at John seriously.
The cheeky smile changed into a look M had never seen on John, it was a shy, delighted smile that made him look so young and innocent, "Oh," he said, looking down and fiddling absently with his fingers.
M smiled at how adorable he looked, delighted that she'd been able to invoke this response in him and even more delighted to see it at all. John Sheppard, looking shy, she never thought she'd see that. "I wish I had a camera right now, you look so adorable like that," she told him and he glanced up at her, a light blush colouring his face.
"Really? I can't remember the last time I felt like this, high school maybe. I didn't think I'd ever hear you say something like that about me, or Sam, she always seemed like such a big deal and I always thought she'd be someone I had to … stand behind if that makes sense, in your mind. I guess she was always someone I thought could steal you away from me if she ever gave you the slightest inclination that she was interested. To hear you say I might be more to you than she is-"
"Not 'might be' you are," M interrupted him, leaning forward to wrap her arms around John's neck and pulling him in to her chest, burying her face in his hair. "You are everything."
He snuggled into her, letting her hold him for a while. "So how did you end up living with them?" he asked after a few moments of silent thought and M chuckled.
"Well, I didn't know this when I first met them, but Maughan, Sacha and Carlos paid their way through college by modelling. They actually made big names for themselves in the industry and made a ton of money, which they ended up pooling together and investing really well, they now have a net worth of … I honestly don't know how much, but it's a lot. When I'd been there for a little while they invited me to spend the weekend at their house rather than at the pentgon and they were my friends by then so I agreed. They drove us to an airfield where a private helicopter flew us to the property and when we got there I nearly fell out of the damn thing in shock. I thought I was looking at a forest or something, but it's their property; it's massive. They own a few kilometres out into the ocean beside it as well so they have private beach access. They ended up giving me my own wing to stay in, which was beautiful and had remarkable views of the ocean; I loved it. They invited me back every weekend after that for a while and eventually it just became common place for me to go home with them on the weekends," M explained.
"Sounds like it would have been nice," John replied, thinking about his own childhood and how miserable he'd been, surrounded by all that stuff but no affection. If there had been people around to care about him it would have been a very different story.
"It was lovely, but it wasn't Atlantis and you weren't there," M replied adoringly, stroking his hair.
"You don't miss it at all?" John asked.
"Nope, none of it. Nothing could be as wonderful as being here with you," M replied and John pulled her down into a kiss
XX
M snuggled into him, smiling as his arms tightened around her. It was still really early; she should probably try and get a bit more sleep so perhaps she'd have better luck staying awake later that day. John had told her the others wanted to come for a visit and they were going to watch a movie; she was looking forward to that.
She smiled, thinking about John and how much she loved him; she wished she had a way to show him. She leant up and kissed his jaw, "I wish you knew how much I love you, John Sheppard," she whispered, kissing him once more before settling down on his chest and closing her eyes, allowing herself to get lost in the comfort of being in his arms and letting it lull her back to sleep.
She didn't see his eyes slide slowly open or the smile that spread across his face before he tightened his arms around her and drifted back off to sleep himself.
XX
What did we think?
I loved the idea of Sam asking M for advice and I really enjoyed writing Sam and Daniel's naughty scenes. Their relationship won't be a massive theme in the story, I just like to occasionally take time out of a story to focus on the other characters sometimes, but it will be mentioned again in passing and there will be the occasional cute scene with them. Jack and Sam are my OTP from SG1, but I just thought I'd mix things up a little bit, Jack will make an appearance later on but he won't be a regular character.
I'm going to have future chapters focusing on other characters occasionally too, if you have any specific requests for chapters to be focused on someone particular or if you'd like to see a certain scene turn up in the story feel free to ask and I'll see what I can do.
What did we think of Carlos, Sacha and Maughan's relationship explained? I love the idea of having people in polyamorous relationships in stories, they're an area I'm wanting to explore a bit more and I love those three together. There will be more little glimpses into their lives coming up and a visit to their house in future chapters for anyone who is curious.
So next chapter M will be back to work, SG1 will react, and the rest of the city will show one of the newcomers what happens when you upset one of their own. There will also be some seriously messing with said newcomer (in a funny way). There will also be some lovely naughtiness.