Hi all, I'm back again. I hope you're enjoying the story. I'm probably not going to update on here after this chapter because it doesn't seem as though anyone is interested in the story. That's okay of course, I write because I enjoy it, I just don't want to waste time posting to multiple places for no reason. If you'd like the link for the story on Ao3 feel free to ask.
Warning fluff and Explicit content ahead, consider that a warning for the rest of the story because there's going to be a lot of it.
Dealing with UST
John was in the best mood the next day. He really didn't want to detangle himself from around M's incredible body, but he did so reluctantly, knowing Ronon would be waiting for him to go for their morning run. He met the Satedan out in the hallway and they headed off, running into Michell when they reached the main corridor, who was headed out for a run of his own. Some days they saw him, other days he was out a bit after them so they didn't see him until later.
John was in such a good mood that he even tolerated Mitchell being there without any issue.
They ran through the city, completing their 5 miles in record time, before heading back to their rooms to shower and get ready for the day.
"What's got you in such a good mood this morning, Sheppard?" Mitchell asked as they approached the transporter and John grinned at him.
"Well, how did you expect me to look after spending the night with M?" John asked. "You were right, the UST between us was getting out of hand, we both feel much better now."
He and Ronon walked into the transporter and John grinned at the look of shock on Mitchell's face as the transporter door closed and the transporter flashed them up to their floor. As soon as he walked out of the transporter he burst out laughing, Ronon joining in.
"Do you think he's ever going to figure out that you're together?" Ronon asked.
"I don't know, but I'm going to enjoy every second of watching his shock until he does, and the shock he'll probably be in afterwards. I'll see you at breakfast," he said when they reached their doors.
"See ya," Ronon echoed, and they both disappeared into their rooms.
John walked through the door and headed over to the bed where M was still sleeping. He stood there for the longest time just watching her, wishing he was back in the bed beside her, before heading in to his shower. He showered thoroughly then brushed his teeth and pulled on his black uniform before heading back out into the room main room.
He was surprised when he reached the bed and saw that M wasn't in there. He listened for the shower but couldn't hear it and was just mulling over where else she'd be when she came out of her closet, dressed for the day, and smiled at him in a way that made his knees weak.
"Mmm, it's my favourite Sheppard," she said as she approached, desire clearly visible in her eyes.
"I would hope I'm your favourite," John replied, more than a little confused about that comment.
"Well of course you are, that's not what I meant. I should have said my favourite view of you; freshly showered, hair still wet, smelling amazing and in that outfit," she explained. "Now, you look delectable every second of the day, but I just particularly like this view," she said and he smiled as he slipped his arms around her and pulled her into a kiss that made her moan and melt into his arms.
"How are you feeling this morning?" he asked softly.
"Wonderful," she sighed, gazing up at him adoringly. "I am going to be smiling so much today my staff won't know whether to be happy or scared."
John chuckled at that, "Me too," he replied, kissing the tip of her nose which made her giggle adorably.
"Oh god I'm giggling, I don't think I ever imagined myself doing that, even in this body. I must sound like a lovestruck school girl," she said, sounding only slightly mortified at herself.
"You sound adorable, Mere, and is being lovestruck really such a bad thing? I'm rather enjoying it myself," John replied, kissing her again.
She made a delighted noise and kissed him back, sliding her hands down to the bottom of his jacket and slipping them up underneath his shirt. He groaned in pleasure, pulling her closer and deepening the kiss, letting his desire for her come through in ways he never had before.
He'd held himself back so much, not wanting her to feel scared or pressured, but now that they'd made love and she'd asked him to let go more, he found all the passion he'd pushed deep down inside and forced himself to repress was rushing to fill him. After years of being in love with Rodney, but having no outlet for those feelings, there was a lot of passion to fill him.
When they broke apart for air he only managed a few deep breaths before he brought his lips down to her neck, his hand running up into her hair, which he was really grateful she hadn't put up for the day yet, while the other one ran down her back, pulling her as close as he could. She gasped in pleasure, her hands slipping around to his back so there was nothing between them and she could press her body right up against his.
"God you feel so good, don't stop," she sighed.
He didn't want to stop, he never wanted to stop, he wanted to hold her and touch her like this forever; but they had to get to breakfast then get to work.
"I don't want to," he whispered, pulling his lips reluctantly back from her neck, his body trembling with the effort of leashing his desire for her. He took a deep breath, then another, before pulling back enough to look at her despite her whimper of protest. "I have spent years pushing down my love for you, and months repressing all the desire I feel for you, and now it's really, really hard to keep it leashed. I want to touch you and hold you and make love to you all day; but we both know I can't, we have work to get to and people depending on us."
She sighed, pulling her hands out from under his shirt and wrapping them around his neck instead, leaning her face into his shoulder and taking a deep breath. "I know, you're right, I'm sorry if I'm making this hard for you."
"I don't want you to be sorry, I can tell this is just as hard for you," he assured her, drawing on all of his self-control and forcing the lust back down. "I just wanted you to know that I'm not pulling away because I want to."
"It's okay, I know," she assured him.
They held each other a little longer while their bodies calmed down and they got their desire for each other back to a manageable level. It was going to be there hot and strong for a long time, but they had to control it and they could.
Finally she pulled back from him and gave him a warm, adoring smile. "I love you, John Sheppard, more than anything in the universe," she said with so much conviction it almost brought tears to his eyes.
"I love you too, Meredith Rodney McKay, more than you will ever know," he replied with the same conviction and she gave him a soft, loving kiss.
Eventually she pulled away and headed into her bathroom to do her hair, stopping at the door and turning back to face him. "Are you going to bring your stuff in here now? Or do you like having separate bathrooms?" she asked.
John grinned, "I'll move everything over this afternoon," he replied.
She smiled, "Good, you should move your clothes into the closet over here too, there's plenty of room, and then I get to look at it and be reminded of you every time I go in there," she said, giving him a warm smile before disappearing into the bathroom.
John smiled after her, sinking down onto the bed and thinking about how he'd never been this happy or in love in his life.
It was so amazing.
She walked back out into the room a few minutes later, with most of her hair left down today and just the pieces at the front twisted and pinned back from her face so they were out of her way. As she walked out smiling at him, his brain threw a thought out in front of him.
'That's Rodney you're looking at, your Rodney, the Rodney you never thought you'd have and she loves you back.'
He pushed back the tears those thoughts tried to bring on and stood up to meet her, taking her hand and kissing the palm. "I have never been happier than I am right now," he told her and her smile turned warm.
"Neither have I," she replied, linking their fingers together and gazing up at him adoringly.
They shared that moment just a little longer before John led the way out of their room, her hand still held firmly in his.
They didn't separate until the transporter reached the mess hall and they moved out into the throng of people. They grabbed their breakfast and headed over to the table where the others were sitting, taking their usual seats beside Teyla and sharing a heated smile before they bid everybody good morning.
"Good morning, John, good morning, M, you both look happy today," Teyla greeted them back.
"It's a good morning, Teyla," M replied.
"A very good morning," John agreed and Teyla, being Teyla, didn't ask any further questions, smiling warmly at them and returning to her breakfast.
They astutely ignored the look of shock on Mitchell's face because they both knew they'd crack up laughing if they looked at it.
XX
John had been right when he said he'd be smiling all day, he had to fight to look serious while he was instructing his marines, but he could tell most of the long-standing ones were thrilled to see him in such a good mood while the newer ones looked confused, but happily confused. It was always good when your CO was in a good mood, none of the marines wanted to do anything to spoil it.
Mitchell and Teal'c had become permanent fixtures in their daily training and he was pleased that Teal'c was as generous with sharing his expertise as Teyla and Ronon were. Mitchell was improving, although Lorne still beat him every time, the Major having taken it on himself to be Mitchell's most frequent sparring partner. The Colonel hadn't been keen on taking Ronon on again, and he'd only gone through one session with Teyla before deciding to stick to other marines for now.
John had deliberately not sparred with him, as much as he knew M had mostly let go of what had happened between them, and John knew their little joke at his expense was also her brand of payback, John was still more than a little annoyed at the guy for upsetting the love of his life.
Today John sparred with Teal'c for the first time and was impressed with the Jaffar's skill, as well as how well he managed to keep up with the very well-trained jaffar. Their time was almost up when Teal'c got a good hit in and John deflected the next few before Lorne called time and the pair of them stood back from each other.
Teal'c inclined his head to John, then came over to study his face closely. "You fought well, Colonel Sheppard, although I am afraid I have caused you an injury," he said and John reached up to feel the blood running down the side of his face.
"It seems so," he agreed with the jaffar's assessment. "Don't sweat it, Teal'c, it's not the first hit I've taken, Ronon and Teyla have both clobbered me plenty," he said with a grin over at his two teammates who were grinning back, although Teyla looked concerned as she came over to cover the injury beside his eye with a towel.
"You should go to the infirmary and have this seen to, John," she said, pulling the towel away for a moment and studying the injury before returning the towel to John's head.
"I intend to, Teyla," he agreed easily, taking the towel from her hands and holding it up against the wound himself.
"Marines, we are done for the day. Let this be a lesson to all of you; it doesn't matter how good you are at something, there is always room for improvement. In the case of a city like ours there will almost always be someone better or stronger than you, or, in this case, both," he said, with a grin at Teal'c. "You cannot let your guard down and you cannot get complacent, keep up with your gym time, make sure you're running even on days the wraith aren't chasing you and make sure you take the direction we give you. You're all well trained, I can see your skills improving every session, but guess what? So am I. I have been here taking that direction from Teyla and Ronon for a good long while now and I still just got a delightful injury for the Dr to look at. You can always improve. Dismissed," John said and the marines left the room. They all looked at him in concern as they passed, but he gave them a reassuring smile, wanting them to know he was fine and his good mood was still intact.
After they left he turned around to start packing up, only to stop when he saw Lorne and Ronon already on it. "We'll take care of this, Sir, you should get that looked at," Lorne suggested gently and John smiled at his 2IC, agreeing easily.
He headed down to the infirmary with Teyla and Teal'c walking beside him, and he could tell the Jaffar was feeling bad.
"I'm fine, really, you don't need to come down with me," he assured them as they reached the transporter.
"Of course not, John," Teyla agreed placatingly and John rolled his eyes affectionately.
They reached the infirmary in no time at all and John was sure he saw Carson sigh before the doctor finished what he was saying to one of the nurses and came over to look at John. "All right, Colonel, what have you done to yourself now?" he asked as John sat back on the bed Carson directed him to.
"Just a little knock sparing with Teal'c this morning," John explained, pulling the towel away.
Carson frowned at him as he pulled his gloves on and came over to gently touch the edges of the wound.
"Well, I can't feel anything broken, but you're going to need stitches," the doctor told him and John nodded, having expected as much. He lay back down on the bed when Carson directed him to, and turned his head to the side so the doctor had a good view of the injury.
"I'm fine guys, go and shower, I'll see you at lunch," he told Teyla and Teal'c.
"Are you sure, John?" Teyla asked.
"Teyla, it's not the worst injury I've ever had, it's just a few stitches, I'll be fine," he assured her and she nodded reluctantly. She gave him her usual Athosian goodbye, and Teal'c inclined his head to him, then the two of them left the room.
John settled down on the pillow, closing his eyes and thinking about M since there wasn't a lot else to do while he was waiting for Carson to stitch him up. He winced slightly at the anaesthetic, but it didn't wipe the smile off his face.
"Glad to see you're still smiling over here, Colonel," Carson said as he started cleaning the injury.
"I'll be honest with you, doc, I have never been as happy as I am right now," he admitted to the other man.
Carson was one of the few people neither he or M were in direct command of and it made him easier to talk to than other people; not to mention he was just genuinely nice.
"It certainly seems that way," Carson replied and John could hear the smile in his voice. "I'm taking it things are going well between you and M; I'm happy for you both."
"Thanks, Carson," John replied, his smile somehow widening.
Carson was done quickly and he gave John some ibuprofen to take with lunch that day before letting him go. It was almost lunch time so John decided to duck past the lab and see if M was ready to get something to eat.
He heard music coming from inside the lab as he got closer and smiled as he heard Metallica playing. He and M had never really discussed music before, it hadn't been anything she was particularly interested in when she was Rodney so it hadn't really come up. Now though she seemed to have more interest and that made John happy since he was a music fan. Speaking of which his guitar was now in their shared room and he hadn't played it in a while, he should come up with a song to play for M since she said she liked him singing.
It was funny how things had changed since M became a woman and since she'd come back from the pentagon with Carlos, Sacha and Maughan. Rodney had often been sitting in the lab, in total silence, talking to himself or occasionally yelling at the other scientists around himm or bickering with Zalenka, while the rest of the scientists were always completely silent around him for fear of incurring his wrath.
As John walked into the room now he saw M sitting at her desk, with Maughan sitting on one side of her and Radek on the other. They were talking amiably to each other about something on their computer screens, while Carlos and Sacha were discussing something on the whiteboard and occasionally they'd shoot a question between the 5 of them.
M was still Rodney, it was still obvious in so many things she did, but there were so many ways where she was almost a different person. John had always loved Rodney and his snarky sarcasm, even though there were times where it made him roll his eyes at the other man and remind him that he didn't need to be so mean all the time. He had to admit though, M being more amiable to her friends was actually really nice; he didn't feel like she was constantly pushing them away anymore and he liked that.
He stood at the door watching them with a small smile on his face, until Carlos spotted him, "Hey, Sheppard, how are you doing man?" he asked in his usual friendly way.
John really liked Carlos, now that he wasn't afraid the man was going to steal M away from him, he was a genuinely friendly guy. He liked all three of them actually, even if they did flirt with him and M all the time.
M looked over her computer screen and spotted him, her eyes lighting up and filling with warm desire. It quickly turned to concern though and she was up from her desk and standing in front of him, holding his face gently as she studied the stitches beside his eye.
"What happened?" she asked worriedly.
"Nothing major, Teal'c got a lucky shot in while we were sparing this morning," he explained. "Poor guy felt terrible, he even came with me to the infirmary, but I'm fine," he finished, smiling warmly at her concern.
She sighed, stroking his face gently, "What am I going to do with you? You get hurt far too often," she said, sounding worried but resigned.
"Believe me, I have had far worse than this," he assured her.
"Believe me, I am well aware," she replied, looking at him worriedly. "I'm usually there these days, it's not a fun thing to watch."
He smiled, taking her hand and bringing it down to his lips to kiss her palm. "I'm sure it's not, but I always bounce back just fine; you shouldn't worry that beautiful mind of yours about me."
"Do you ever stop worrying about me?" she asked.
"No," he admitted, getting her point.
"Well then, you can't expect me to not worry about you, can you?"
"No, I suppose not," he acquiesced.
They shared a look for a few moments, both of them understanding that there really was no way they would completely avoid danger in their line of work.
Wanting to change the subject John said, "It's nearly lunch time, are you ready to get something to eat?"
"Yeah," she agreed, turning back to tell the others to go and eat.
They went without a fuss, John moving over to give them room to get past.
When they were all gone M studied him closely. "I would love to be all over you right now, but I know that will just be teasing both of us, so perhaps we should just go to lunch and pretend we're not completely lusting after each other," she suggested.
John grinned, reaching down to gently grasp her hips and pull her closer, "Well there is that idea, but that means I have to go without a kiss until we're done for the day, and to be honest, I really don't think I can wait that long," he said, bringing their lips together.
It was so hard not to get carried away, he wanted to just drown in her, but he managed to keep his crazy libido mostly leashed and kept the kiss from getting too deep.
When he pulled back, he smiled at her lovingly, "See, we can manage this all right if we try."
"Speak for yourself," she replied, looking back at him with hot desire. "You have no idea what I am going to do to you tonight."
"Oh really? Have it all planned out do you?" he asked.
"I'm in the middle of formulating a plan, yes," she replied. "How adventurous are you when it comes to your own body?"
He blinked at her a few times, not completely sure how to take that question. "Well, as previously stated I generally put it through hell on a regular basis, so there's not a lot I won't consider. Why? Do you plan on doing something really weird to me?" he asked, wondering if he should be worried.
"Not really weird, but you are remembering who I'm friends with and I may have asked them for a little education about things I can do to make you feel really good," she explained and John wasn't sure whether to be excited about that or extremely nervous; because yes, he did remember who she was friends with, and as much as he liked them they also mildly terrified him.
"Well, I did tell you I trust you and I do. If you want to try something a little unorthodox I'll go along with it, and if I don't like it I'll tell you, how's that?" he asked.
"Sounds reasonable," she agreed, looking pleased. "All right, ready for lunch?" she asked.
"Definitely," he replied, taking her hand as they walked out of the room and only letting her go when they reached a populated corridor.
He was both excited and nervous about what lay ahead of him that night, but that was an exhilarating feeling. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been nervous about sex, aside from last night, but that was a different kind of nerves; he'd been nervous for her not himself. He knew a lot about pleasing a woman's body, and there was a lot he knew how to do that he still had to introduce M to, but as far as his body went, or men's bodies in general, he only really knew the basic things that made him enjoy sex. It would be interesting to see what Carlos, Sacha and Maughan had taught M about pleasuring him.
XX
The end of the day came without any major upsets and at last it was dinner time. John and M enjoyed it with their friends before making a comment about their evening that shocked Mitchell thoroughly and heading up to their room with matching grins on their faces.
When they walked into their room they were greeted by their relatively empty living area and John thought once again about how they really needed to get a couch, a big one, and a big screen of some sort with a projector so they could have team movie nights. They'd only had the one since M had been back and it was on their bed on a little laptop screen. John would love to have a big screen to watch on.
He mentioned the idea to M who looked thoughtful and agreed that it sounded like a great idea. That was one of the best things about being with M, she liked a lot of the same things he did. Not sport of course, but John could live with that easily enough, there were plenty of marines to enjoy that with. Things like video games and movies and board games and card games. Things like logic puzzles and maths puzzles and remote controlled cars and little games they made up together that only they really understood. He'd loved spending time with Rodney because of these things, now he got to do them with M, as well as being intimate with her, and that was just one of the things that made their relationship so amazing.
They looked at the space for a little while, discussing how they could get everything they wanted into it and where they might get it from, before deciding they'd have to take a trip to Earth sometime soon and look at some things that might suit. John had plenty of money so that wasn't an issue, and M said the same thing, so they could get something they really liked.
Once that discussion was over M helped John move everything out of his bathroom into the one they were going to be sharing, then helped him move his clothes into the closet. With that all done she pulled him with her into the shower and they scrubbed each other clean.
He wanted to run his hands all over her and kiss her breathless, but she'd told him tonight she wanted a chance to explore his body and he didn't want to get too carried away and ruin that for her.
When they were both thoroughly clean and dried off, he asked her whether she wanted him to shave and she said no, so he let her drag him out of the bathroom to the bed. She had him lie down before heading into the closet and coming back with a towel and a little bottle that he recognised as lube. She put them down on the bedside table then crawled up onto the bed, straddling his hips and running her hands seductively up his chest.
"Damn you are a work of art," she said, her eyes roving over his body as thoroughly as her hands. "I am going to touch and kiss every inch of you tonight; I want to ask you something first though."
"Okay," he agreed easily.
"I know you are very much straight so don't take this question the wrong way, but have you ever played with this?" she asked, sliding her hand around to grab his ass.
He furrowed his brow at her, "No," he replied, wondering where she was going with this.
"Would it bother you if I did?" she asked and he would admit to feeling rather alarmed.
"Why would you want to?" he asked, trying not to let the discomfort he was currently feeling show on his face.
"Because, as you clearly know, women have a lovely pleasure spot inside us, you are very skilled at finding it I discovered last night. What you probably don't know is that men have one too, it's back in here," she squeezed his ass gently. "And when it's touched right it's … well, pretty damn incredible actually."
"Dare I ask how you know that?" John asked suspiciously. Rodney had been straight, hadn't he?
She looked down at him as if she could read his thoughts and smiled reassuringly. "No, I never had sex with another man," she assured him. "One of the girlfriends I had in college was very sexually experimental and she used to do it to me, usually while giving me incredible blow jobs. It feels odd at first, but when you find that spot … well, let's just say there are fireworks," she explained and he looked up at her incredulously.
"Seriously? I mean I knew gay guys liked to … play with each other up there, but I never knew there was actually a reason aside from there not being a vagina on either of them," John said, feeling confused.
"Well no, there's definitely another reason, a very good reason actually," M replied. "Now if I doesn't interest you and you don't want to do it, then by all means I won't ask you to. This is something I want to do for you because you made me feel amazing last night and I want to return the favour, but I won't be offended if you say no. It's completely up to you; I can make you feel good in other ways if you'd prefer."
John thought about it, he'd never considered it at all, he thought it was something only gay guys did. Thinking about it now made him more than a little nervous, but wasn't this exactly how M would have been feeling the night before? She'd trusted him to take care of her and he should return that trust just as fully, he could always stop her if he didn't like it.
"All right, I … I trust you, Mere. If you say it's good, I'm willing to try it," he replied.
"Okay, if you're sure," she replied with a soft smile. "Like I said it will be weird at first, you need to relax and do what I tell you to. If it's weirding you out too much you can tell me to stop and I will, okay."
"Okay," he agreed, feeling the nerves in his belly jumping around like mad.
"First though, I have some incredible muscles and skin to explore." She leant down and held herself a few centimetres from his lips. "Tonight is about you, I want you to enjoy what I'm doing to you. Lay back and relax and let yourself go, okay, no holding back. You're always the one responsible for keeping everyone else safe, let me be the one to hold you and keep you safe for once, I promise not to let you fall."
She leant down to kiss him them and he surrendered to her, feeling the passion and desire he felt for her flooding his system.
It was funny what hearing those words did to him. On one hand he felt an immediate need to fight back, to tell her he didn't need looking after and he was the one who was supposed to look after her, not the other way around. On the other hand it felt almost like a release, like he could really relax and let go because she'd given him permission. It had been a long time since he'd really relaxed, since he was in Antarctica actually, and that was quite a few years ago now. So, he squashed down the first urge to immediately rebuke her offer and let himself melt into the mattress beneath him as she got to know his body.
She hadn't been lying when she said she wanted to kiss every inch of him, she found every erogenous zone he possessed, starting with his ears, moving down to the edge of his jaw, the hollow at the base of this throat, the palms of his hands, the skin just beneath his ribs and just under his hip bones. They were all places he was really sensitive and he'd never had a lover who took so much time finding them all and making them feel so incredible.
Trust M to map his body out as if he were a subject of scientific study.
XXX Naughty scene deleted, sorry, those are the rules, I just forget sometimes XXX
When the waves of ecstasy finally abated, he felt her crawl up to lie beside him, wrapping her arm gently over him and kissing his hair. "Are you okay?" she asked as he came down from his high and he nodded, opening his eyes and looking over at her.
"That was … incredible and terrifying all at the same time," he admitted. "Don't worry," he added when she looked worried. "I got past the terrified stage pretty quickly, I just felt … really vulnerable; I'm not used to feeling like that."
"I could tell, I remembered what it was like for me the first time too, both as a guy having that done to me and last night. It is a very vulnerable position to be in, having someone inside your body. I understand completely if it's something you don't want to do very often," she replied understandingly.
John thought about it; realistically it probably wasn't, but it had to make him wonder then if that meant she didn't want to either.
As if reading his mind she said, "It's different for me, I'm a woman and between the two of us I've always been the … well, let's face it, you could always overpower me easily. Having you be dominant over me is … quite a turn on actually, all those big strong muscles holding me against that …" she made an appreciative noise, running her hand down his chest and stomach. "Incredible body of yours. It's what you expect as a woman and it gives me more than a little thrill. You on the other hand are not just a man but an alpha male, the big, strong, very masculine type; being at someone else's mercy isn't something you're going to cope overly well with because you're used to being in charge all the time, and being a Colonel in charge of an entire city full of people is going to make it even harder to let go of your control. I completely understand that," she said, kissing his jaw softly. "You can't be strong all the time though, you need to let go sometimes, or you'll just end up-"
"Numb and cold," he finished the sentence, looking into her eyes that were watching him curiously. "I've been there, Mere, I was still there until I met you," he confessed, reaching out to gently touch her face. "Nancy, she … she always expected me to be strong, it's how I was raised and how she was raised; men are the strong providers, they're not allowed to show weakness. And I didn't, ever, because that's not what we do; being in the military only made it worse. Even when I lost Lyle and Mitch and Dex I didn't cry; because that's not what men do."
He reached up to gently stroke her face, "I was numb to everything until I came here. This city, where the military are only here by invitation and the leader is a woman, it's a completely different environment and I started to … thaw I suppose would be the word for it. When we became friends you warmed me up a lot, Teyla and Ronon as well of course, but you more than anyone. When you left I felt the numb, cold feeling come back, only it was much worse, because waiting inside it to strike at me when I was weakest, was all the pain I felt from losing you. Then you came back and … I've never felt this … alive in my life."
His fingers glided gently over her face, mapping her beautiful features as her tear bright blue eyes looked down at him with love and warmth.
"It was hard for me, to feel as vulnerable as I felt before, but I didn't reject it because it's you. I want to be able to be open with you, naked and vulnerable in every way; the ways I couldn't be with Nancy and I've never been able to be with anyone else. It's not easy for me though and you're right, I wouldn't want to do it all the time," he admitted.
She leant down to kiss him softly. "That's okay, I understand. I want you to know that I'm here for you though, to look after you when you need it. I'm glad you feel like you can be open with me, I want you to be, and I'll never judge you or think less of you for needing help, or support or … anything from me. You and I have always been very different people, but I have a unique perspective on being a man that most women will never have and I know what the pressure to be strong all the time feels like. My family raised me the same way and my father never permitted weakness from me, it's one of the reasons I was always so angry; I had no other outlet for my feelings."
"You should have tried hitting stuff, works a treat," John suggested and M chuckled.
"Well, I still get fed up with people sometimes; maybe I'll try that next time I feel like yelling at one of the scientists," she replied.
"Good idea," John agreed with a warm smile.
He was feeling far more stable and back in control of himself now, and she was lying very close to him, very, very naked.
"Well, I've had my therapy for the evening." She laughed at that, which had been the point. "Does this mean I get to give you some too?" he asked.
"What did you have in mind?" she asked, her eyes alight with interest.
"Well, you've shown off your very talented mouth and very talented fingers, I thought perhaps you'd let me show off my skills now," he replied with a suggestive grin.
"Well, Colonel, I believe I'd have to be crazy to turn down an offer like that," she replied, desire obvious in her expression.
"Good thing you're not crazy then," he whispered, closing his mouth over hers. He kissed her slow and deep, his hands slipping up into her hair, holding her exactly where he wanted her. She surrendered to him completely, moaning in pleasure and kissing him back, her hands sliding up into his hair and gripping the crazy strands.
He moved her over onto her back and began to explore her body the same way she'd explored his, the way he didn't get as much chance to the night before.
XXX More deleted smut XXX
XX
John woke up the following morning to the sound of his alarm and told Atlantis to turn it off. He and M were lying in a tangle of limbs on their bed, exactly where they'd fallen when they'd finished making love the night before. He'd managed to roll off her onto his back and she'd rolled with him, draping herself over his body. He'd wrapped her up in his arms before falling into the deepest, most content sleep of his life.
Now he was awake again, and as much as he knew he should get up and go for his run with Ronon, this morning, he just really didn't want to. He reached for his com and stuck it in his ear, calling quietly to Ronon and receiving an equally tired response from his Satedan bestie.
"Not running this morning, buddy," he said quietly.
"Me neither," Ronon replied and John pulled his comm out with a grin and snuggled back into M, happy to wake up when her alarm went off later.
He didn't fall back completely to sleep, he floated in a light, content dose, lost in memories of the night before and the amazing feeling of completeness she brought him.
He loved her so much it overwhelmed him at times, but it was absolutely worth it
He was surprised to be roused awake a little while later by the feeling of her hand gliding gently up his stomach and along his chest. "You have no idea how much I love you," she whispered and he smiled softly.
"As much as I love you," he replied, his smile widening as she kissed him.
"Maybe you do have some idea then," she said adoringly and he finally opened his eyes, looking up at her incredible blue eyes that were looking down at him with so much love it was staggering. "Good morning, Enkeli, I've finally decided on my name for you," she said.
"Oh? And what does Enkeli mean?" he asked, curious to know what her genius mind had come up with.
"It means angel," M replied. "I would just call you angel, but I didn't know how you'd feel about that. Even though most angels are men, it often has a feminine ring to it. So, Enkeli, if I call you that around anyone else it'll just confuse them rather than give away what I'm actually saying."
"Why angel?" he asked.
"Because you're always protecting me, you're far too beautiful, you're valiant and strong and good and brave. You're my angel. Of course, if you don't like it, I don't have to call you that," she assured him. "I can think of something else."
"Mere, you can call me anything you want as long as it's not in front of my marines," John replied with a joking glint in his eye. "When they're around it's 'Colonel'," he said with a growl at the end of it.
"Well, Colonel," she purred in a way that made him shiver delightfully. "I could just call you that, but everyone else calls you that ,so it's not particularly special. That being said I can always call you that when we're getting it on if it's a turn on for you," she joked.
"Well, now that you mention it …" he joked back and she laughed, leaning down to kiss him again.
"I love you, Colonel Sheppard," she purred.
"I love you, Doctor McKay," he purred right back, pulling her down to kiss him again.
They spent a few minutes making out before reluctantly getting out of bed and heading for the shower. It was hard not to let their hands wander too much, but they both knew they had to get through their shower quickly so they could get down to breakfast at a decent time.
When they were done they made their way into the closet to find some clothes and John decided to wear his black and grey combo that day. He was strapping his thigh holster to his leg when he felt M's hand slide down his back and over his ass.
"You know the best thing about having seen you completely naked now? Whenever you do things like bend over, I can imagine you're doing them naked," she said, giving his ass a gentle squeeze, and he laughed.
"Actually, I'd think the best part is that you don't have to just imagine now," he replied, finishing with his thigh holster and turning back to pull her into a loving kiss.
When they pulled back he smiled at her adoringly, enjoying the way her eyes shone up at him.
He loved her so much.
They made their way out of their room and down to the mess hall, knowing they were grinning like loons but far too happy to care. They got their food then moved over to their table and sat down, greeting the others who had beat them there with happy smiles.
John was about halfway through his breakfast when the mail came around and he was surprised when a very expensive looking envelope appeared in front of him. Very curious he cracked it open, noticing that he had the entire table's attention, and found a very fancy invitation inside. Reading on he was shocked to find that he'd been invited to his brother's engagement party and that there was an option to bring someone with him. It was about two weeks away and he only had a day or two left to RSVP.
He studied the invitation closely, completely flabbergasted. He hadn't seen his family since his divorce, not a single one of them, he hadn't even spoken to them, why would Dave be inviting him to his engagement party after all these years?
"Are you okay?" he heard M ask him quietly and he looked over at her concerned blue eyes, handing the invitation over to her to read. "Oh," she said after she'd read it, looking up at him with understanding. "Yeah, no wonder you're confused."
"I just … can't understand why," he said, sounding as confused as he felt. "I haven't spoken to them since I got divorced and that was … a really long time ago. I probably sound paranoid, and I definitely am, but I just can't help but feel like this has to be a trap of some kind."
"I get that," she replied, reaching over to take his hand gently. "But it could also be your brother just trying to make peace after all this time. Getting married is a big deal and maybe he just wants his little brother there. Inviting you along to his engagement party, which is nowhere near as big a deal realistically, might be his way of feeling out whether there's any reason to invite you to the wedding," M suggested gently.
He looked at her thoughtfully. She could be right, but then she'd never met his family.
"Assuming for a minute it's not a trap, would you want to go?" she asked.
"Honestly … I don't know," he admitted.
"Well, give it some thought. If you do decide to go I'd come with you, as long as Sam approves it," she assured him.
"I would," Sam replied from down the table and M gave her a grateful smile.
Realising he was probably making a spectacle of himself right now, looking completely lost and helpless, John was suddenly really grateful that the people at the table right now were mostly people he trusted, particularly since Mitchell wasn't there.
It was odd, he trusted Colonel Carter, they had worked with her before so he had a lot of time for her, Dr Jackson was the kind of person it was easy to be around, mostly because, like M, he was more concerned about his own stuff than other people's. Teal'c was like a combination of Ronon and Teyla and it was easy to tell he was an honourable man, and Vala, surprisingly enough, despite the others mentioning on several occasions that she'd been a thief and a con artist once upon a time, didn't set his untrustworthy radar off. Mitchell on the other hand … there was just something about that man that set him on edge and John found him hard to be around.
He schooled his expression and put the invitation back in the envelope, sliding it into his pocket. He'd think more about it later when he was alone with M and she could help him reason it out. He went back to his breakfast just as Mitchell arrived and M went back to hers, but he could feel her watching him out of the corner of her eye.
They were almost finished when Mitchell jokingly asked how their night was last night, and that got John out of his internal reverie. He looked up at the man with a genuine, satisfied smile and he saw M do the same. "It was amazing," he replied, enjoying the way Mitchell looked between the two of them as if he couldn't decide whether to believe them or not.
"Okay, you have got to tell me whether you're kidding or not, because I have tried to work it out and I really just can't," Mitchell complained.
In reply to that John and M just smiled brighter and Mitchell looked between them and the rest of the table's occupants with a lost expression. "Why do I get the feeling all of you are in on this and I'm missing something."
"You're always missing something, Cam," Vala replied without looking up from her food, and John had to fight really hard not to laugh.
When it was time to get to work M told him to come and find her if he needed to talk and he thanked her, giving her a soft, grateful smile, before heading off to his morning meeting with Carter.
XX
Ronon was heading for the gym later that day when Mitchell caught up with him. "Hey, can I talk to you?" he asked.
"About what?" Ronon asked, not really one who enjoyed talking all that much, particularly to people he didn't like all that much.
"About Sheppard and McKay," Mitchell explained and Ronon just raised an eyebrow at him and kept walking. "Talk to them," he replied.
"Look I just … I know I screwed up when I first got here and I want to make it up to everyone, I don't want to have to leave Atlantis," Mitchell said, keeping up with him. "I made that joke about the UST between Sheppard and McKay initially because I was trying to break the ice a little bit, apparently that's just what I do, but now I'm really wondering what's going on between them. I don't want to assume anything and … slip up again. Look, Sheppard seems like he has a good sense of humour so I try to joke around with him, but everything I try to do just seems to end in him mocking me, and McKay … well I have no idea how I'd try and form any sort of decent working relationship with her, I mean, McKay has always been pretty unpleasant and-"
"See, that's your problem," Ronon interrupted him, finally stopping. "You 'assume' a lot about people you don't know. If you want to make things up to McKay, or get Sheppard to like you, stop assuming and talk to them, or, just pay more attention. I'm not a talker, that's not my thing, so I pay attention, and you can learn a lot more about people by doing that than talking. That's all the advice I'm going to give you." He went to leave and stopped. "Actually, there's one more thing. Don't assume M is anything like Rodney, because there's a lot of ways she's not, and you'd notice that if you paid attention rather than assuming."
He walked away then and Mitchell followed him, looking thoughtful. Ronon wondered if he was going to ask anything else, but the Colonel ended up just walking with him to the gym
When they got there John was already there working out, and Ronon greeted him before heading over to the equipment to begin his workout. Mitchell did the same and Ronon watched the man, who was looking at Sheppard in more than a little bit of shock. That didn't surprise Ronon, John was a slimmer build than he or Mitchell so it was easy to miss how strong he was, unless you saw the weight he could move in the gym. He'd built up even more strength while M was away, and he'd started working out with heavier weights to maintain that level of strength now that she was back, rather than spending the same amount of time he used to in the gym.
Ronon had hated seeing his friend like that, so hell bent on punishing himself. He'd tried to stop him for a while, tried to redirect his attention, Teyla had too, but it had never worked for long. Ronon still couldn't believe he hadn't noticed John's love for M, even when she'd been Rodney. He knew that had been the point, John didn't want any of them to know, but now that he thought back to it the feelings had been pretty obvious at times, and even more obvious after M had left.
He watched as John stood up from the piece of equipment he'd been working on and shot a glace over to Mitchell, who quickly looked away from him.
Ronon didn't always understand people's behaviour, but he knew John didn't like or trust Mitchell. He didn't know whether that was because of the way the other Colonel had spoken to M when he'd first arrived, or if it was something else entirely, but he could tell John wasn't happy about the other man's presence in his city.
"Hey, want to go for a run?" John asked Ronon, "We missed this morning. Or did you want to keep going on the equipment for a while?"
"Run sounds good," Ronon replied, finishing the set he was up to and heading out of the room with John in the direction of their usual running route.
"Can I ask you something?" Ronon asked as they ran through an empty part of the city.
"Sure," John agreed easily.
"Why didn't you ever tell Teyla and I how you felt about McKay?" Ronon asked, admitting, only to himself, that he was slightly hurt about John not trusting him enough to tell him.
"Honestly … I barely handled thinking it let alone talking about it," John replied. "It wasn't anything personal, buddy," he added as if he could read Ronon's mind. "When he was still Rodney I felt so conflicted; being in love with someone I didn't feel any attraction towards. It's a mind fuck, trust me. After she became M I was so messed up I could barely think straight, and after she left … I felt like she'd taken half of me with her. I couldn't deal with any of it so I didn't, I just tried to handle everything else. I know I didn't do very well at it, but it was the best I could do at the time."
Ronon nodded, feeling better knowing John hadn't kept it from him because he didn't trust him with the knowledge.
"Can I ask you something now?" John asked.
"Sure," Ronon echoed his reply.
"How would you have reacted if I'd told you while M was still Rodney?" John asked.
Ronon thought about it, "I would have been surprised … then I wouldn't have been surprised at all … then I would have gone on with life," he replied. "Sateda was very different to Earth, there was a lot of … affection between my people, and it wasn't limited to one sex or the other; so I wouldn't have thought anything of it."
"Really? Satedan's were really affectionate? I wouldn't have guessed that; you don't really come across that way," John said, sounding surprised.
"I noticed pretty fast that your people aren't like that, so, didn't think it would be a good idea," Ronon explained. Adding, "It's actually really hard for me not to be affectionate to you, Teyla and M. I think being a runner for such a long time made it easier, I was used to keeping to myself by the time I came here, but won't lie, it's one of the things I missed most about Sateda."
John stopped running and Ronon stopped beside him. "Hang on, you want to be affectionate to us and you're stopping yourself?" John asked, looking half curious and half concerned.
Ronon shrugged, "It's not a big deal," he replied.
"Yes it is," John disagreed. "You're my best friend, you matter more to me than anyone I know, aside from M of course, I don't want you to feel like you can't be yourself around us, buddy," John replied and Ronon could see that he was serious. "How was Sateda different to here?"
"There was a lot more … touching," Ronon explained. "Everything was really communal, men and women didn't hide their bodies from each other, and love and affection were freely given to whoever you felt them for. It would be nothing to hug someone or kiss them or help them bathe after a mission. Lovers were whoever you wanted them to be, male, female, it didn't matter to us, and you didn't have to be coupled with someone to share that kind of affection with them, although people often had a primary partner and several secondary partners when they did feel ready to settle down. life was a gift for us and we treated it that way, we didn't hide our feelings from each other, whatever they were" he explained. "But I know if I tried to show you affection the way I would have shown someone I cared about on Sateda, you wouldn't take it well."
John studied him closely, looking nervous for a moment. Then his expression changed and Ronon saw the courage John always displayed when facing down an enemy "Show me," he said determinedly.
"Sure you want me to?" Ronon asked.
"Yes," John replied and Ronon felt touched that the other man wanted to do this for him.
"All right." He agreed, reaching forward and pulling John close to him. He took the Colonel's face between his large hands and leant down to kiss his forehead, holding his lips there for several moments before pulling back and stepping away. "That's how we said hello," he explained.
John blinked several times, then raised his eyebrows and shrugged. "Well, that wasn't so bad. A bit more … close than the Athosians are."
"We aren't a talking people," Ronon replied simply.
"You're right, if you'd done that without warning it probably would have freaked me out, but if it's what comes naturally to you I'd get used to it. Maybe just keep it restricted to team and warn them first, oh and maybe not around other people."
"See, too many rules, easier to just not," Ronon said tightly.
"No, look, I get that you miss it and it's what comes naturally to you, if you want more affection from us then I'd get used to that for you, and I'm sure Teyla would as well, other people just might get a bit … weirded out about it because it's different for them. They got used to the Athosians though, so if they were introduced to it gently I imagine they'd adjust fine." John assured him.
"Well, I wouldn't want to be that way with everyone, just the team," Ronon explained. "I have to ask though, what about M?" he asked, knowing this would be the hardest part for John.
He'd always guarded his friendship and familiarity with McKay very doggedly, now that he was in a relationship with M Ronon knew that protection had become something of an iron cocoon.
"Really it would be up to her, she's not much of one for people invading her personal space. If you ask her and she's fine with it …"
"Would you be fine with it though?" Ronon asked. "I haven't forgotten how you reacted when you thought M and I had feelings for each other, and all we were doing that day was talking. And we are attracted to each other, we've both admitted that. It's not a big deal for me and I know it's not for M, but how would you feel?"
John looked away for a moment, "I know I reacted badly that day, that definitely wasn't one of my finest hours and Mere means … everything to me," he admitted, looking up at Ronon with more feeling than he'd ever seen the Colonel show. "But she's not my property and I trust the two of you more than anyone I've ever known, Teyla too of course but this isn't about her. If she's happy for you to share that affection with her, you can, I won't go all green eyed monster on you."
Ronon looked at his friend confused for a moment.
"It's a way people on earth describe feeling jealous," John explained and Ronon nodded. "I want you to feel at home here, at least with the team, even if it takes the rest of us a bit of time to get used to it."
Ronon smiled, placing his hand gently on John's shoulder. "Thank you, John," he replied, knowing John really wouldn't understand how much this meant to him, but grateful that he was willing to even consider it.
John nodded with a smile of his own, returning the gesture which was a start at least.
They continued on their run and after a few minutes Ronon thought about something else he'd wanted to ask John while they were alone. "Why don't you like Mitchell? Is it because of how he spoke to M when he first got here?"
"Honestly I don't know," John replied, looking as confused about it as Ronon was. "It's not any one thing in particular, something about him just … bothers me. I'm trying not to make it too obvious, but if you've noticed-"
"I pay attention to how you react to other people," Ronon interrupted. "It tells me how I should treat them. You're my leader and my friend, I trust your judgement, if you don't like someone there's generally a good reason," he explained.
John nodded. "In this case I don't actually know, I just know there's … something."
Ronon nodded and kept running, wondering, just like John, what it could possibly be about the man that set him so much on edge.
XX
That afternoon, when he'd finished all of his work for the day, John asked M to take a walk out to the pier with him and she agreed easily. They sat out there for a long time talking about John's family and his reluctance to go back to earth for this engagement party. M sympathised and spoke about her own family, which John cringed just hearing about. She then went on to talking about Jeanie, how happy she'd been to have managed to form a bond with her again the previous year and how much she missed her now.
"I may never be able to see her again, but you have the chance to make things better between you and Dave. Don't you want the chance to at least try?" she asked. "There will be a lot of other people there so you won't have all of your brother's attention, but being there for him will probably mean a lot. If we get there and it's terrible, we just leave, no one's going to make us stay, are they?"
"No, I guess not," John agreed. "So, you think I should go?"
"Enkeli, I'm not going to tell you what to do," she said, taking his hands gently in hers. "It's your family and I understand your feelings about them, but if you miss this chance are you going to regret it later?" she asked.
"Yeah, I probably will," he agreed. "Okay, I'll go," he decided.
"We'll go," M corrected. "There's no way I'm not coming with you."
He smiled at her warmly. "I love you," he said sincerely.
"I love you," she replied, bringing her hand up to touch his face.
He reached out and pulled her into his lap, wrapping his arms around her waist and kissing from the back of her neck around to her cheek, while she giggled adorably.
"You know you're the only man in the universe who could make me giggle," she told him when he'd stopped.
"And proud of it," he replied, pulling her back to recline against him as they looked out over the water.
"I missed Atlantis so much; the uninterrupted view of the ocean and the stars at night, the sound of the water crashing against the city, being out here with you, drinking horrible beer and just … being. Those times were the quietest my brain ever got while I was in that body and it was the only time I ever really felt … calm, relaxed, at home. You and this place, you're both home for me, Teyla, Ronon and Carson as well of course, but … always you the most," she said, leaning her head back against his shoulder and turning to look up at him. "I love you so much, I always have, I'm sorry I never noticed before."
"Don't be sorry, I have you now," he replied, looking down at her with a loving smile. "You're worth it, Mere, you always were," he assured her.
"I believe that when you say it, but I still feel bad for not knowing," she replied, kissing his jaw in that way that always made him shiver and come up in goosebumps.
He knew it wouldn't matter if he told her not to feel guilty, so instead he leant down and kissed her, letting her feel all the love he felt for her. "There is nothing in this universe more amazing than you and I love you more than anything. This moment, and every other one we share, make it all worth it," he whispered.
She smiled up at him warmly and pulled him into another kiss.
XX
John asked Sam to let them both go to the wedding, and to be able to dial through to earth and get his RSVP sent through with a reply of yes and that he'd be bringing someone with him. After that it was dinner time so they went down to find food.
They were halfway through their dinner, and enjoying their friends' company, when someone said something about them being together. John hadn't actually been thinking anything of it, he just reached over and gently touched M's hand, sharing a warm smile with her. It wasn't until Mitchell suddenly burst out with, "Oh my god you two are actually together," that he realised their little slip up.
At first he hadn't been overly concerned, after all Mitchell was bound to work it out eventually, but then he realised the room had fallen completely silent around them.
John and M glanced around the room nervously, realising they had everyone's attention, and John turned back to glower at Mitchell, who, in his defence, looked apologetic. John turned to M and could tell what she was thinking, "How are the other staff going to react?"
"Well, duh! Just how slow are you?" Cadman asked from across the room and everyone else made murmurs of agreement. "I mean, come on, who wouldn't want to date their best friend if they suddenly became a … very hot member of the opposite sex? Hell, I'm straight and I'd go there, find anyone in this room who wouldn't."
John almost laughed when there were more murmurs of agreement and M blushed so hard she could have fit in very well with a tomato.
"And seriously, find a straight woman who wouldn't go there with Sheppard if she were allowed, can you blame McKay?" Plenty or murmurs of agreement from the female population and it was John's turn to blush. "What do you need, Mitchell? A map to the obvious?"
"I think a gag might be better," Maughan replied, and the entire room agreed wholeheartedly.
"Thank you, Lieutenant. Anyone who finds a useful gag for Mitchell feel free to bring it to me," John said loud enough for the entire room to hear and they all laughed before the room returned to its usual volume of noise and everyone went back to their own conversations.
John turned to look at M who was astutely looking down at her food, blush still firmly in place. He looked back up and glared at Mitchell then, quickly realising he wasn't the only person at the table doing so.
"Wasn't it you who always said McKay had no filter between his brain and his mouth?" Daniel asked, tilting his head to the side. "It seems she's found her filter and yours has perhaps fallen out."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that so loud," Mitchell replied, looking over at John and M horrified.
"Do you ever do anything you actually mean to do, Mitchell, or does your brain just periodically shut down and make you far stupider than normal?" M snapped so only their table would hear her, finally looking up at him. "Do you have any idea how awkward and hard you could have just made things for us? For John? Do you think about anything other than yourself, ever?"
Mitchell looked like he wanted to argue, but he seemed to think better of it and remained silent instead.
She glared at him for another few moments before looking away, putting her fork down on her plate and leaning her face against her hand, looking nervous.
"Hey, don't worry about it, they aren't," John said softly, wrapping an arm around her and running his hand soothingly down her arm. "We knew they'd work it out eventually and it sounds like they've at least suspected for a while."
"Suspecting and knowing are two very different things," M replied, but she leant her head against his shoulder. "I just don't want you getting hurt because of me."
"Stop worrying about me, Mere, I'll be fine," he assured her, not caring in the least if any of the other staff were watching them.
She didn't reply so he turned his attention back to Mitchell, glowering at the man who had the decency to shrink back in his chair and look guilty.
XX
So What did we think? I know I'm picking on Mitchell, but it's just so much fun and as much as I love Ben Browder and thought he was great in farscape, he has to be my least favourite regular character in the stargate universe and I'm still sore at him for threatening McKay with a lemon. By the way that didn't happen in this story, that entire exchange between him and Sheppard was just to OOC for my liking. I love the idea of Ronon being an affectionate snuggler deep down so he will be, only with people close to him though, I want to show his affectionate side off a little more in this story.
I hope you're enjoying the story so far and all the fluff and smut, I've been having such a great time writing it :). If you feel so inclined I'd love to hear what you think and any feedback you might have. Thank you to those who have commented and given kudos, they are appreciated.
Take care,
Kayla